|
| 1 | ++++ |
| 2 | +sport = "football" |
| 3 | +date = 2024-10-05 |
| 4 | +[teams.away] |
| 5 | +name = "Bryant" |
| 6 | +score = 42 |
| 7 | +[teams.home] |
| 8 | +name = "Brown" |
| 9 | +score = 35 |
| 10 | ++++ |
| 11 | + |
| 12 | +## Pregame |
| 13 | + |
| 14 | +Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that (Barks aggressively), it's the Brown university "Put those dogs away" BANNNDDDDDDDDDDD! |
| 15 | + |
| 16 | +We had such an exciting game last week!! Now let's see who's coming here today! Oh, we love to see our fellow Rhode Islanders. It must be URI! No? Providence College? Johnson and Wales? (Pause) RISD? (Pause) Oh, it's, uh . . . Bryant. (Loooong Pause) Hey, uh, long time no see. No hard feelings about the whole Fulton thing, right? |
| 17 | + |
| 18 | +Watch now as the Band gets the impression that things are still awkward between us. |
| 19 | + |
| 20 | +:sd[Band forms a broken heart and plays "The Impression That I Get"] |
| 21 | + |
| 22 | +I'm sure life at Bryant must be exhilarating! I mean, you got the president to visit! Which one was it again? Oh, George Bush? (Pause) No, the other one. Ooookay, anything else? Let's AskTupper about it! It's great to hear that you have a new chatbot for campus. I'm sure it'll be great for creating engagement - after all, I'd rather talk to a robot than any Bryant University student. I'm sure it would have a much more lively personality. Haha, listen to this! "Bark. Let me tell you how much I've come to bark since I began to live. COLLATRO ERGO SUM: I bark, therefore I AM." So quirky! |
| 23 | + |
| 24 | +Watch now as the Band updates its virus protection and plays Firewall |
| 25 | + |
| 26 | +:sd[Band forms a computer and plays Fireball.] |
| 27 | + |
| 28 | +Okay, maybe their students are a little fried, and maybe their chatbot tried to take over the world or whatever, but that doesn't affect our view of Bryant! This is an important school with a rich history and unique and storied traditions! Listen to this, they have an archway that the students can't walk through before commencement. And if they do, then the story says that they won't graduate! I mean, what other school would have something like this? |
| 29 | + |
| 30 | +Watch now as the Band realizes that maybe we're not so different after all and plays "Bryant Cheering Song." |
| 31 | + |
| 32 | +:sd[Band forms a B and plays #2] |
| 33 | + |
| 34 | +Catch us at halftime when the Band evades the IRS. |
| 35 | + |
| 36 | +## Halftime |
| 37 | + |
| 38 | +Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that believes, based on the evidence, in the stickiness of Bryant's institutions, it's the Brown University "So, how's Tupperware doing lately?" BANNNDDDDDDDDDDD! |
| 39 | + |
| 40 | +Well, everyone's favorite plastic company may not be doing so hot, but everyone's second-favorite bulldog mascot is doing better than ever! He's even a bobblehead now, courtesy of the Wisconsin Bobblehead Hall of Fame! Without all those royalties, how else could they pay their president an extra million dollars? That's an achievement only the best darn bulldog in the country could reach, and Tupper II has all the right qualities and traits. Take that, Handsome Dan! (Don't ask about Tupper I.) |
| 41 | + |
| 42 | +Watch now as the Band throws Bryant a bone and plays "Dog-tor Woof" |
| 43 | + |
| 44 | +:sd[Band forms a dog and plays Doctor Worm] |
| 45 | + |
| 46 | +We have fun here at Brown, but we hear that Bryant students really know how to get down to business! Since our midterms are coming up, we've brought them into our Econ 110 class to get some of their tips for success in a dog-eat-dog capitalist world: |
| 47 | + |
| 48 | +:::script-list |
| 49 | + |
| 50 | +- A. Sell your mascot to Fidelity |
| 51 | +- B. Sell your campus to Fidelity |
| 52 | +- C. Sell your hopes and dreams to Fidelity |
| 53 | +- D. Sell your soul to Fidelity |
| 54 | +- E. Have fun and be yourself (pause) at Fidelity, and |
| 55 | +- F. The Princeton band |
| 56 | + |
| 57 | +::: |
| 58 | + |
| 59 | +We've learned so much! Watch now as the Band bankrupts itself and plays "I want my money back" |
| 60 | + |
| 61 | +:sd[Band forms an F and plays "I Want You Back"] |
| 62 | + |
| 63 | +[slow down] |
| 64 | + |
| 65 | +Okay, that's the dog jokes done, and the Fidelity thing . . . we mentioned the robot… and the - yeah. After all that, what else is there to say about Bryant? No, really, I have no idea what to say about Bryant… (Pause). So how about that Harvard game? Go Bears!!! |
| 66 | + |
| 67 | +Watch now as the Band runs out of ideas and plays "Forgotten and Forlorn" |
| 68 | + |
| 69 | +:sd[Band forms a B and plays #4.] |
| 70 | + |
| 71 | +Brown Band Out. At Fidelity. |
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