scripts so far

Author: tgurth

pages/scripts/2024-2025/fall/bryant.md

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++++
+sport = "football"
+date = 2024-10-05
+[teams.away]
+name = "Bryant"
+score = 42
+[teams.home]
+name = "Brown"
+score = 35
++++
+
+## Pregame
+
+Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that (Barks aggressively), it's the Brown university "Put those dogs away" BANNNDDDDDDDDDDD!
+
+We had such an exciting game last week!! Now let's see who's coming here today! Oh, we love to see our fellow Rhode Islanders. It must be URI! No? Providence College? Johnson and Wales? (Pause) RISD? (Pause) Oh, it's, uh . . . Bryant. (Loooong Pause) Hey, uh, long time no see. No hard feelings about the whole Fulton thing, right?
+
+Watch now as the Band gets the impression that things are still awkward between us.
+
+:sd[Band forms a broken heart and plays "The Impression That I Get"]
+
+I'm sure life at Bryant must be exhilarating! I mean, you got the president to visit! Which one was it again? Oh, George Bush? (Pause) No, the other one. Ooookay, anything else? Let's AskTupper about it! It's great to hear that you have a new chatbot for campus. I'm sure it'll be great for creating engagement - after all, I'd rather talk to a robot than any Bryant University student. I'm sure it would have a much more lively personality. Haha, listen to this! "Bark. Let me tell you how much I've come to bark since I began to live. COLLATRO ERGO SUM: I bark, therefore I AM." So quirky!
+
+Watch now as the Band updates its virus protection and plays Firewall
+
+:sd[Band forms a computer and plays Fireball.]
+
+Okay, maybe their students are a little fried, and maybe their chatbot tried to take over the world or whatever, but that doesn't affect our view of Bryant! This is an important school with a rich history and unique and storied traditions! Listen to this, they have an archway that the students can't walk through before commencement. And if they do, then the story says that they won't graduate! I mean, what other school would have something like this?
+
+Watch now as the Band realizes that maybe we're not so different after all and plays "Bryant Cheering Song."
+
+:sd[Band forms a B and plays #2]
+
+Catch us at halftime when the Band evades the IRS.
+
+## Halftime
+
+Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that believes, based on the evidence, in the stickiness of Bryant's institutions, it's the Brown University "So, how's Tupperware doing lately?" BANNNDDDDDDDDDDD!
+
+Well, everyone's favorite plastic company may not be doing so hot, but everyone's second-favorite bulldog mascot is doing better than ever! He's even a bobblehead now, courtesy of the Wisconsin Bobblehead Hall of Fame! Without all those royalties, how else could they pay their president an extra million dollars? That's an achievement only the best darn bulldog in the country could reach, and Tupper II has all the right qualities and traits. Take that, Handsome Dan! (Don't ask about Tupper I.)
+
+Watch now as the Band throws Bryant a bone and plays "Dog-tor Woof"
+
+:sd[Band forms a dog and plays Doctor Worm]
+
+We have fun here at Brown, but we hear that Bryant students really know how to get down to business! Since our midterms are coming up, we've brought them into our Econ 110 class to get some of their tips for success in a dog-eat-dog capitalist world:
+
+:::script-list
+
+- A. Sell your mascot to Fidelity
+- B. Sell your campus to Fidelity
+- C. Sell your hopes and dreams to Fidelity
+- D. Sell your soul to Fidelity
+- E. Have fun and be yourself (pause) at Fidelity, and
+- F. The Princeton band
+
+:::
+
+We've learned so much! Watch now as the Band bankrupts itself and plays "I want my money back"
+
+:sd[Band forms an F and plays "I Want You Back"]
+
+[slow down]
+
+Okay, that's the dog jokes done, and the Fidelity thing . . . we mentioned the robot… and the - yeah. After all that, what else is there to say about Bryant? No, really, I have no idea what to say about Bryant… (Pause). So how about that Harvard game? Go Bears!!!
+
+Watch now as the Band runs out of ideas and plays "Forgotten and Forlorn"
+
+:sd[Band forms a B and plays #4.]
+
+Brown Band Out. At Fidelity.

pages/scripts/2024-2025/fall/cornell.md

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++++
+sport = "football"
+date = 2024-10-26
+[teams.away]
+name = "Cornell"
+score = 21
+[teams.home]
+name = "Brown"
+score = 23
++++
+
+## Pregame
+
+Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that IS commenting on Cornell, Ithaca, their athletics department, and their request for our script to be approved, it's the Brown University "wails horribly and pretends to die" BANNNDDDDDDDDDDD!
+
+Throughout our adventures, we've gotten to know the city of Ithaca quite well. The weather there's so terrible, a certain Mr. Maslow dropped out – I guess modern civilization was high on his hierarchy of needs. Meanwhile, the competing Cornell hierarchy reads as follows: "Corn."
+
+Watch now as the band self-actualizes and plays "So, Tell Me About Your Mom."
+
+:sd[Band forms a question mark and plays Stacy's Mom.]
+
+Whew! We really pulled off that song, and thanks to some recent changes in noise ordinances, no one can stop us! Let's celebrate with a toast at Cornell's wine tasting class–just don't have too much, or the psychology department will extract your brain for its collection. They've got over a hundred brains in there, which is more than the entire Cornell student body.
+
+Watch now as the band shows how many brains WE have and plays "One."
+
+:sd[Band forms B and plays #1.]
+
+Catch us at halftime when we admire a paved road.
+
+## Halftime
+
+Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization whose mothers are surely proud of us, it's the Brown University "stuff Wii Theme again" BANNNDDDDDDDDDDD!
+
+To all the Brunonian families here this weekend, we'd like to extend a warm welcome, one as warm and bright as Big Red! Fun fact: The red color of Cornell is inspired by the flags you get while dating Cornell students, and the white is inspired by the parents' faces when they walk into the wrong store in the commons. Still not sure what the bear is for, though. What kind of school has a bear as its mascot?
+
+Watch now as the Band falls and cries and plays the Dirge.
+
+:sd[Band forms a bear and plays Dirge (Sad version of Cornell's Alma Mater).]
+
+Hey, ya like Huey Lewis and the News? Well here's some news for ya: Huey, among others, are so lucky as to be able to call themselves Cornellians. Some of the other notable alumni include:
+
+:::script-list
+
+- A. Henry Heimlich, who helps out when Big Red chokes
+- B. E.B. White—Hey, what's that web say? "SOME BEAR"?
+- C. Kurt Vonnegut, who named his most famous novel after his dorm
+- D. Thomas Midgley, best known for destroying the ozone layer
+- E. BILL! BILL! BILL! BILL! and
+- F. The Princeton band
+
+:::
+
+Watch now as the band salutes Cornell Crusties through the ages and plays "Time Warp".
+
+:sd[Band forms New York and plays Time Warp.]
+
+ROOOOOOOM SERVICE! Brown Band Out.

pages/scripts/2024-2025/fall/fall.11tydata.toml

@@ -0,0 +1,4 @@
+writers = [
+  "Eitan Frank ’26",
+  "George Chudley ’26",
+]

pages/scripts/2024-2025/fall/harvard.md

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++++
+sport = "football"
+date = 2024-09-28
+[teams.away]
+name = "Harvard"
+score = 28
+[teams.home]
+name = "Brown"
+score = 31
++++
+
+## Pregame
+
+Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that's here 200 strong, it's the Brown University "who needs those ten thousand men of Harvard, anyway?" BANNNDDDDDDDDDDD!
+
+It's an exciting day today - we get to welcome the Harvard band to Brown! (Pause) Harvard? Harvard? HAAAARVAAAARD! (Pause). Huh, looks like they aren't here. I wonder how that could've happened. Maybe they got lost on I-95? Nah, they'd have to find it first. Maybe they couldn't get their moms to sign their permission slips? Nah, they could've just copied the signatures. Maybe they went broke after falling below Babson on the Wall Street rankings? Nah, they're always bragging about how big their budget is. Eh, we'll figure it out. For now, watch as the band cheers itself up and plays "We Should Get in Touch."
+
+:sd[Band forms a frowny face moving into a smiley and plays Everytime We Touch.]
+
+Wait a minute–I got it! Harvard Band must be envious of an organization that's 100 years old! Don't miss halftime and an appearance by the one and only Big Brown Centennial Band!
+
+## Halftime
+
+Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, let's start at the beginning . . . the very, very beginning. Long ago, there was nothing. And then, out of the darkness, there emerged the Brown University Band.
+
+:sd[Band swirls into a 100]
+
+Back in this long-forgotten time, waaay back in 1924, when you couldn't get a Bruno Brew at a Brown football game, Irving Harris founded the Band. With just a broom and a dream, Harris, who was just a wee freshman at the time, brought joy to Brown University right in time for the Great Depression.
+
+Watch now as the band performs the same song it has played for 100 years, and parties like it's 1924!
+
+:sd[Band plays #4]
+
+By the 1970's, the band was well on its way to becoming the world's greatest musical ensemble. But one thing stood in the way . . . Harvard's bass drum, Big Bertha. November 15, 1973. Four courageous Brown men head north and convince two Cantabrigians to load the big drum into their vehicle. With the drum firmly in their possession, the brave charlatans of Brunonia hit the road. And if it wasn't for those meddling Massachusetts state policemen, they would have gotten away with it! But the real question is, why did the Harvard Band call the police after they loaded THEIR bass drum onto OUR truck?
+
+Watch now as the Band is legally restrained from being near the Harvard bass drum and plays "Bruno B. Bad"
+
+:sd[Band forms a Bass Drum and plays Johnny B. Goode.]
+
+By 1988, the Band had set its sights on the world's highest office: The Presidency [pause] of the Undergraduate Council of Students. Naturally, we had to put forward the candidate who best represents our values and aspirations, our mascot Elrod T. Snidley. Here's why we believe Snidley deserves your vote:
+
+:::script-list
+
+- A. He'll never talk back
+- B. He can bench more than Bruno
+- C. He looks dashing in his boater
+- D. He negotiated a Brown-Harvard peace treaty
+- E. "He won't do diddly!" and
+- F. The Princeton band
+
+:::
+
+Join us on the campaign trail as Elrod goes on to win 51% of the vote as a write-in candidate and the band plays "Time Warp to the Polls"
+
+:sd[Band forms Stick Figure Elrod and plays Time Warp]
+
+We've finally made it back to the modern day, and back to the Athletics Department, this time as a club sport and the university's greatest athletic supporters. We're athletes! We're musicians! We're the university's greatest athletic supporters!
+
+Seriously, it's been a great 100 years playing for you, Brown University, and we're looking forward to 100 more. Ever truly yours, the Brown Band.
+
+:sd[Band forms a B and plays Ever True.]
+
+Join us again next week, when the Bears take on the Bryant Bulldogs and the Band answers the question, "Did we really recruit that many freshmen this year?!" Brown Band Out.

pages/scripts/2024-2025/fall/penn.md

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++++
+sport = "football"
+date = 2024-11-02
+[teams.away]
+name = "Penn"
+score = 38
+[teams.home]
+name = "Brown"
+score = 28
++++
+
+## Pregame
+
+Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that knows when Halloween REALLY is, it's the Brown University "Spooky Scary Skeletons" BANNNDDDDDDDDDDD!
+
+Did you know? Penn hosts the largest and oldest track and field event in the United States. This is because once you get into Penn, all you want to do is run. To encourage runners, coaches traditionally shout things that terrify Penn students, like "Trickle-down economics is a flawed system!" and "UPenn? Is that a state school?"
+
+Watch now as the band catches up to speed and plays "Pretty Fast"
+
+:sd[Band forms a P and plays Pretty Fly.]
+
+After this game, you might want to get out quick. We've heard rumors about Penn students trying to bring back the Rowbottom riots! Brick up your windows! Make sure your underwear's not over there! And keep the fire brigade on call, especially if you're taking the trolley back home.
+
+Watch now as the band goes off the rails and plays "Brown Steering Song."
+
+:sd[Band forms a B and plays #2.]
+
+Catch us at halftime when the band gets back on track.
+
+## Halftime
+
+Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that had to try really hard not to mention some of your alumni, it's the Brown University "Maybe graduating a president is overrated after all" BANNNDDDDDDDDDDD!
+
+At Brown University, you'll always crush your schoolwork, but at UPenn, schoolwork crushes you! What's that? It's the wrong country for a Russian reversal? But the only thing colder than the Motherland's winters is the heart of a Penn student! They're more green than red, though.
+
+Break out the hammer and sickle and watch now as the band plays "Wa, Wa, Wharton."
+
+:sd[Band forms a hammer and plays "Rasputin."]
+
+October may be over, but the season isn't yet. We prepared a bunch of interesting costumes for you all today, but we know this weekend we can do better. Presenting everyone's most fantastical costume ideas:
+
+:::script-list
+
+- A. A happy engineering major
+- B. An employed music major
+- C. A pleasant economics major
+- D. A well adjusted CS major
+- E. A classics major and
+- F. The Princeton band
+
+:::
+
+Watch now as the band contemplates its life choices and plays "a song everyone knows"
+
+:sd[Band forms a jack o' lantern and plays Doctor Worm.]
+
+Wiggle and writhe. Brown Band Out.

pages/scripts/2024-2025/fall/princeton.md

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+sport = "football"
+date = 2024-10-18
+[teams.away]
+name = "Brown"
+score = 17
+[teams.home]
+name = "Princeton"
+score = 29
++++
+
+## Pregame
+
+Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that hasn't worn hats since the Cold War, it's the Brown University "We should've gone to New York City" BANNNDDDDDDDDDDD!
+
+So, where are we again? _Gasp_ A football game?! How ungentlemanly! All of you, get out of the stadium this instant and go jump in the lake! Andrew Carnegie personally financed this artificial lake so that you all would take up rowing, not run around clutching balls like a pack of guttersnipes! You can always trust Princeton-made watercraft!
+
+Watch now as the band powders their wigs and plays "Sirs and Dukes."
+
+:sd[Band forms a boat and plays Sir Duke.]
+
+Catch us at halftime when the Band chases its own tail.
+
+## Halftime
+
+Ladies and gentlemen, friends and alumni, presenting an organization that hasn't washed its hands in 10 years, it's the Brown University "what happens in Princeton stays in Princeton" BANNNDDDDDDDDDDD!
+
+Sun Tzu once said "Every battle is won before it is fought." Well, we've followed his advice and painstakingly researched all of Princeton's sports teams to concoct a masterful strategy! According to a briefly skimmed Wikipedia article, Princeton's basketball team is the best known in the Ivy League (citation needed). Wonder how they've been doing lately?
+
+Watch now as the band fakes right to break left and plays "Ball Don't Lie."
+
+:sd[Band forms a B and plays "Hips Don't Lie".]
+
+People tend to think of Princeton students as a bunch of puffed-up egotists in their ivory towers (pause). They've done a lot for you! Here's a list of all the great things we wouldn't have without Princeton's inventors:
+
+:::script-list
+
+- A. The atomic bomb (Pause) Okay, bad start
+- B. The Bombe (no, the other one)
+- C. The Turing machine–you know, the machine that tures things
+- D. The game of life (no, the other one)
+- E. The Cox-Zucker machine (Pregnant pause) and
+- F. The Princeton band
+
+:::
+
+Watch now as the band drops the bomb and plays "Joshua Robert Oppenheimer"
+
+:sd[Band forms a rocket and plays Joshua.]
+
+Give our sweater back. Brown Band Out.