output

Community - 1x01 - Pilot.HDTV.FQM.en.srt

Speaker : dean
Listener : all
Good morning. How do we turn this off?  Mother, you think you can come and help me turn it off? How do we turn this off? Can you help me with this? Oh, thank you, thank you so much. I didn't mean to snap. uh, good morning. Many of you are halfway through your first week here at greendale and as your dean, i thought i would share a few thoughts of wisdom and inspiration. What is community college? Well, you've heard all kinds of things. You've heard it's "loser college for remedial teens, 20-something dropouts, middle-age divorcees, and old people keeping their minds active as they circle the drain of eternity." That's what you heard. However, i wish you luck! Okay, you know-- uh-oh. Okay, there's more to this speech. There's actually a middle card that is missing. Can we all look around our immediate areas, 'cause i really wanted to--


Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
i'm only half-arabic, actually. My dad is palestinian. He's a u.s. citizen. He's not a threat to national security or anything. A lot of people want to know that after they meet him, because he has an angry energy. But not, like, angry at america. Just angry at my mom for leaving him. Although she did leave because he was angry and he was angry because she's american. My name's Abed, by the way.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Abed, nice to know you and then meet you in that order. Now about that question that i had--
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
oh, uh, 5 after 11:00 when you asked.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Abed?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
yeah?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
what's the deal with the hot girl from spanish class? I can't find a road in there.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
well, i only talked to her once While she was borrowing a pencil, but, Her name is Britta, she's 28, birthday in october, She has two older brothers and one of 'em Works with children who have a disorder I might want to look up. Oh, and she thinks she's gonna flunk Tomorrow's test, so she really needs to focus So she's sorry if that makes her seem cold.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
holy crap. Abed, I see your value now.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
If these guys knew you like I did they would have given you a small office.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
Jeff Winger! Genius at law.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
you got to stop saying that.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
i will never do that. sit down I still cannot figure out how you gonna join September the 11th with my DUI, that alone, why that helped.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
Well, 2002 was a simple time.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
So what is my lawyer doing here?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
i'm a student.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
well, that cannot be an inspiring journey.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
uh, i am in a bit of a jam. The state bar has suspended my license. They found out my college degree Was less than legitimate.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
i thought you had a bachelor's from columbia.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
now i have to get one from america. and it can't be an email attachment.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
well, you've picked a fine school.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
yes, and i'm hoping that our friendship Will yield certain advantages. You know, academic guidance,
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
yes.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
moral support, Every answer to every test For every one of the classes that i'm taking. Here's my schedule.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
no. Now, Jeff, just by asking that, You have insulted the integrity of this entire institution.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
okay. Duncan, you, did seem less into integrity The day that i convinced 12 of yours peers that when you made that u-turn on the freeway And tried to order chalupas from the emergency call box, That your only real crime was loving america.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
Well, I do love America, I do love it, very much. I love chalupas. But, i'll look into it. 
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
thank you. Duncan, you are a good man.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
Jeff, are you familiar with the adage, "cheaters never prosper"?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
No, and if i wanted to learn something, I wouldn't have come to community college.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
oh, hey! spanish.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
uh, don't hit on me, okay?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
whoa.  I wouldn't dream of it. I just wanted to let you know about my spanish study group.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
the guy who's playing bejeweled on his iphone all class has a study group? Um, can i sign up twice?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
i'm taking the class as an easy credit. I'm actually a spanish tutor.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Board certified.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
can you say that in spanish now?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
i really need help with spanish.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
yeah, i was willing to bet, i'm Jeff. Or "Jefe". We meet at the library at 4:00.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
yeah, Britta. thanks.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
You gonna be there? Un po' di piu'. That means "See you there".


Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
Bienvenido.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Bienvenuto! Hey, all right, come on in.  I got the whole table. Welcome.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Yeah. We have the whole room.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Yeah, here's the, uh, contact sheet. Just put your stuff there. Man. Rest of the group is running late. But you and i can get acquainted.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
you may have noticed this morning, Not so good at the small talk.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
yeah, i like big talk. what's your deal?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
that's not small talk?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
what's your deal and is god dead?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
all right, you want to know my deal? I dropped out of high-school because I thought for some reason  it would impress Radiohead.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
You'd be surprised what gets back to these guys.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I joined the peace corp. I did a little foot modelling, I got tear gased in a World Trade Rally,
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Marry me.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
And I think, Jeff, my deal is above all else, honesty.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
honesty?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
yeah. You tell me the truth, i will like you. You lie to me, i will never talk to you again. That's my deal.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
ah, that's a good deal.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
So what's your deal?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
uh, i would have to go-- I would have to say, um, honesty, Because, I would say anything to get what i want. And i want you to like me. So, uh,
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
wow. that's a very honest answer. All right, now i like you fine.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
really? Wow. you're easy.


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
hell yeah.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
Abed in the house!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
why?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Britta invited me. is that cool?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
oh, i can't think of a single logical reason why not.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
cool.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
there you go. Oh, hey, here. Put your contact info down right there. That's right.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff britta
cool, cool, cool. Cool, cool, cool. hey, this is kind of like breakfast club, huh?
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
we are in a library.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff britta
yeah. i'm sure we've each got an issue balled up inside of us  that would make us cry if we talked about it.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
do you have something balled up inside of you?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
well, i got a little doozy in the chamber if things get emotional.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff britta
Oh. hey, text message. Let's give this bad boy a read.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
it's probably just for your eyes.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff britta
I've never got one of these
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Well, it's just, You probably,  it's probably just for your eyes.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff britta
"say you have to pee. i need to talk to you."
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
"say you have to pee."
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
that is weird.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
"say you have to pee. I need to talk to you."
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
do you have to pee?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
no.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
hmm.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
that's so weird.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
well, i'm stumped. That's very creepy. That's very creepy.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
does it say you have to pee?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
no, it's just someone With a misguided grasp of abbreviation.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed britta
I just need five minutes, you guys, So go ahead and study all the verbs,in spanish.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
Abed,
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
Yeah?
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
What's your read on that guy?
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
You look like Elisabeth Shue.


Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
Act natural, pretend you are watching the athletic proceedings.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
I couldn't stop watching them. There's a guy going for the track, that's older than the game of poker. He's kinda cracking.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
suppose i was to say to you It was possible to get those test answers?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
i would say, "go for that," And could have said so in a text.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
i'm asking you if you know the difference Between right and wrong.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
i discovered at a very early age That if i talk long enough, I could make anything right or wrong. So either i'm god or truth is relative. And in either case, booyah.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
oh, interesting. It's just the average person has a much harder time saying, "booyah," to moral relativism.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
duncan, you don't have to play shrink  To protect your pride. I accept. you're chicken.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
Are you trying to use reverse psychology on a psychologist?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
No, I'm just using regular psychology on a spineless, British twit.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
i'm a professor. you can't talk to me that way.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
a six-year-old girl could talk to you that way.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
yes, because that would be adorable!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
No, because you're a five-year-old girl And there's a pecking order.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
fine! i'll do it!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
thank you.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
yeah, pleasure. Bye! Yes! good! Why am i still shouting? I'm drawing attention to myself.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta abed
you guys aren't gonna believe this, But the rest of the group, Is here.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
are you the board-certified tutor?
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
that means you do my homework, right, Seacrest?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
i need to call my babysitter If we're gon' be later than 10:00.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
what board certifies a tutor?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
where's Britta?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
not sure. But i invited more people from spanish class. Is that cool? 
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
it's the coolest.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
I'm gonna go to the bathroom And bring my jacket, wallet, and keys with me In case there's a fire.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
should we go with him?
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
i'm leaving my homework with slumdog millionaire over here.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : troy
that's borderline racist, i think.


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
and busted.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
uh, listen.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
now you know. I'm a smoker.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
yeah, but they're filtered, so that makes them safe.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
you ready to get started? Looks like the rest of your group showed up.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
yeah, not mine, actually. I think Abed took out a page on craigslist. And i was trained never to say this, But i think that group may be untutorable.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
oh, really?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
so why don't you and i go study over--
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
dinner?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
or drinks.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
i think, actually, we should prioritize here And study first and then go to dinner. And if they really prove to be untutorable, we'll slip out early.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
oh,they will be, untutorable.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
all right. Look at this crew. All ready to study all night.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
well, i can stay at least till 10:00.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
but who studies with strangers, right? My name is Jeff.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Jeff, it's a pleasure. My name is Pierce Hawthorne and, yes, That is Hawthorne as in Hawthorne wipes, The award-winning moist towellete.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
i was just going to ask.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
i'm also a toast master, so perhaps I should do the introductions.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
definitely!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
all right, you already know brittles.
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
Britta.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Abed. Abed the arab. Is that inappropriate?
Speaker : abed
Listener : pierce
sure.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
roy. roy the wonder boy.
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
"Troy".
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
little princess elizabeth.
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
"Annie".
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
and finally, this beautiful creature is named Shirley.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
is that even close?


Speaker : annie
Listener : group
i'd like to know why i had to find out About this group on accident?
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
this is getting way more like breakfast club now.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed
there's breakfast?
Speaker : britta
Listener : group
okay, um, maybe we should get started--
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
you know, i've been a part of a lot of study groups that fell apart because of unresolved tension. Shouldn't we address Annie's concern?  Did we not invite her?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
well, Annie, sweetie, it's not behind your back. We just didn't think about,
Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley
can we stop with the "pumpkins" and the "sweeties"? Being younger does not make me inferior. If anything, your age indicates That you've made bad life decisions.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Shirley has a response to that.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
no, no, no. i don't.
Speaker : troy
Listener : shirley
you should. it looks like you do.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
please, Shirley.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
okay, okay. I'm sure i've made some bad life decisions And maybe Annie's decisions will be better. But i think she needs to decide Whether she wants to be considered a child Or an adult, because children get pity But not respect. And adults,  they get respect, But they also get the back of they head grabbed  And their face pushed through jukeboxes.
Speaker : britta
Listener : group
okay. Why don't we try learning "jukebox" in spanish?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
what are you doing?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Pierce! Let's discuss this creepiness.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
pardon you?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Are you unaware that Shirley Finds your advances inappropriate?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
what advances?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
you have been sexually harassing me Since the very first day of class.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
sexually harassing? what? That makes no sense to me. Why would i harass somebody who turns me on?
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
saying she turns you on is the harassment, dude.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : troy
hey.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
I am a prominent business leader And a highly sought after dinner guest And i will not take courting advice From some teenage boy.
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
well, this teenage boy  is a quarterback and a prom king.


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
what are you doing?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
i'm certified.


Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
you're not prom king anymore, Troy. This isn't riverside high.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
how'd you know i went there?
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
because you're still wearing your stupid letter jacket. And more importantly, I sat behind you in Algebra.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
Wait, you're that girl that got hooked on pills and then dropped out. You're little Annie "Adderall".
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
Yes, and you are a stupid jock who lost his scholarship by dislocating both shoulders in a keg stand.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Keg flip. They're very hard to pull off. You don't know-- I'm a legend.


Speaker : abed
Listener : group
You know what I got for Christmas? It was a banner year at the Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me, he said, "Hey, smoke up, Johnny!" "No, dad! What about you?"
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Well, uh, that-- That actually was from The Breakfast Club.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Nobody puts baby in the corner.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
Dirty Dancing.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
Uh, I'll be right back. But while I'm gone, you guys need to hash this stuff out. No stone unturned. Go!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
What does that,
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
I can't feel my,
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
Okay, I am the Barack Obama of this room.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
Hello.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
It's Professor Duncan. Come to the parking lot now.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
What's wrong with your voice?
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
I'm disguising it.


Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
Get in the car! Act as if either you have just finished or yet to begin driving. Every answer to every test in your curriculum this semester.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
I knew you could do it, buddy. Thank you.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
Whoa there, grabby-grabby. What do I get?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
The satisfaction of being even.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
Even, fairness, right, wrong. There is no God. Booyah, booyah.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
What do you want from me?
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
Your Lexus.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
My car for a semester's worth of answers?
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
Will it be just a semester though, Jeff? Won't you be taking the easy way out for the next four years? I want payment in advance. I want leather seats with built-in ball warmers.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
You know, bluffs this weak are how your people lost the colonies.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
Have a nice disbarment hearing.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
What am I supposed to drive?
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
Why don't you take this car? It's good for the earth.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
Yeah, so is wiping your butt with a leaf, but it's not how a man gets around! A golf kart!


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
It is a disaster in there.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Yeah, untutorable. You like Thai food? I love Thai food.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Wait, so, this is a game to you? You put human beings into a state of emotional shambles for a shot at getting in my pants?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Why can't you see that for the compliment that it is? Ok, ok. I'm sorry. It was an accident. I did a little bit of lying  to get close to you. But how was I suppose to know that you were smart and cool, I mean, you look like Elisabeth Shue.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
You're unbelievable.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
What do you want me to do?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Oh, maybe one decent thing could be to go in there and clean up your mess.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Okay, if i do that, then dinner, right?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Yeah, fine, whatever. As if there's a dinner on Earth that could make me forget you are a shallow douchebag.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Oh, you're gonna eat those words when you see my new car.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
All right, everybody! I want to say something. Everybody, sit down.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
You don't have to yell.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
You know what makes humans different from other animals?
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
Feet.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : troy
No, no, no, come on. Bears have feet.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
We're the only species on Earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do. For the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you it's name is Steve, and go like this. And part of you dies just a little bit on the inside, because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil. We can forgive a shark. And we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for Screenwriting.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Big mistake.
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
He's got a point.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome, but I can never admit that, because that would make me an ass. But what I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. She's driven. We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce. We need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
The Dalai Lama and I--
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
We should listen to him sometime. We wouldn't regret it. And Shirley. Shirley has earned our respect, Not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. And don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was way too specific to be improvised. And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? Maybe he is. You think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No! They're trying to impress their high-school prom king. And Abed. Abed's a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup, because you know what? Soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You are just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed
Soup?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
I want you to look to the person to your left. Sorry. Look at the person sitting next to you.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Look at her? Okay.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
This?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Yeah.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
I want you to extend to that person the same compassion that you extend to sharks, pencils, and Ben Affleck. I want you to say to that person, "I forgive you."
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
I forgive you.
Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley
I forgive you.
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
I forgive you.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : troy
You little twerp.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Pierce, I'd like you to say, "I forgive you."
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
He didn't say it?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : troy
I forgive you.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
You've just stopped being a study group. You have become something, unstoppable. I hereby pronounce you, a community.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
Oh, that's nice. I like that.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
This isn't like Breakfast Club anymore. Now it's like Stripes or Meatballs. Anything with Bill Murray, really.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
I agree with Abed that tonight has been very special. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a dinner engagement with Britta.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
Britta?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I lied. Thanks for calming everyone down. but since you're not a Spanish tutor, just a lying creep who purposely upset everyone in an attempt to get with me, I'd appreciate it if you left and stopped wasting all of our time.
Speaker : britta
Listener : group
Everybody ready?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Fine.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
And I'm happy to report that one of the benefits of being a lying creep is having all the answers to tomorrow's test. And I'm happy to share them with anyone whose time I've wasted more than they've wasted mine.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Uh, Jeff, if you have all the answers, why the hell did you start this study group?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
I don't have a study group, Pierce. I made it up.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
What about the "Look Left" speech?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Made it up. That's what I do.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
I make things up, and I got paid a lot of money to do it before I came to this school-shaped toilet. I was a lawyer.
Speaker : group
Listener : self
Oh, God.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
That explains everything.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
You know, I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Michael Douglas in any of his films.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Yeah?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Yeah.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Well, you have Asperger's.
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
What did he say?
Speaker : troy
Listener : self
"Ass-burger".
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
It's a serious disorder.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : troy
It really is.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie shirley
If it's so serious, why don't they call it meningitis?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : self
"Ass-burger".
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
Burger for your ass.


Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
Jeffrey, before you say anything, you may want to think about the gift you've been given.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
An excuse to punch a hippy?
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
No. No, not that. An important lesson, my friend. You see, the tools you acquired to survive out there will not help you here at Greendale. What you have, my friend, is a second chance at an honest life.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
Why are people trying  to teach me things At a school that has an express tuition aisle? Give me the keys.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
No, I have to keep your car for-- Don't hit me. Please, don't hit me. Jeffrey, Jeffrey! Are we cool? Are we cool? We're cool.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
I like you, Jeffrey. You remind me of myself at your age.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
I deserve that.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
You know, I've been divorced seven times. Sometimes, I think I'm doing something wrong.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
You keep getting married.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
I never looked at it that way.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce troy
Shouldn't you guys be studying?
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
Yeah, things got kind of boring after you left. Let me ask you something. People becloud me for wearing this jacket ever since I got here, but  If I take it off to make them happy, That just makes me weak, right?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
Listen, it doesn't matter. You lose the jacket to please them, you keep it to piss them off, Either way It's for them. That's what's weak,
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
Wow. You just wrinkled my brain, man.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : troy
He's good, isn't he?
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
He's really good.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Shouldn't you be rolling around on a bed covered in test answers?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
I don't have any of the answers. I'm gonna-- I'm gonna flunk the test.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
You just, like, study for, like, an hour. It's not that hard. You seem pretty smart. You got a sports coat.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
I am me, Well, the funny thing about being smart is that you can get through most of life without ever having to do any work. So, uh, I'm not really sure how to do that.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
What's going on? Can you guys hear me? Am I deaf? Can you hear me talking right now?
Speaker : group
Listener : abed
Yes.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
That's good.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
You know what? Jeff, actually, we didn't get that far without you, so if you want to come back upstairs--
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Really?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Well, it is your study group, so.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Come on, let's study.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Sounds good.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
No pressure.


Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
I'm sorry I called you Michael Douglas and I see your value now.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Well, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.


Speaker : duncan
Listener : extra
Absolutely not.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : extra
Waster! not a bathroom! Not a bathroom.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : extra
Shouldn't be too hard to fake a study group, right? Oh, geez, I'm sorry, I, I was raised on TV and I was conditioned to believe that every, Black woman over 50 is a cosmic mentor,
Speaker : extra
Listener : jeff
Were you conditioned to pay for your damn taco, Sanfield?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : extra
Yes, I'm so sorry. It's Seinfeld.




Community - 1x02 - Spanish 101.HDTV.FXM.en.srt

Speaker : dean
Listener : all
Good afternoon, Greendale community college. I am your dean with a few corrections to the fall class catalog. Cosmology should be cosmetology, astrology should be astronomy, and the students on the cover should be smiling, but I suppose that's a matter of opinion. Whoever is growing a small patch of cannabis behind the gymnasium, congratulations. You have won a cruise. Report to security to claim your tickets. In order to increase awareness of homelessness, security has been given binoculars. In campus news, the debate over our library's PA system continues with some students suggesting its volume be lowered, while others question its very purpose. More on that story as it unfolds.


Speaker : troy
Listener : group
That dude makes a lot of announcements.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
I like it, it makes every ten minutes feel like the beginning of a new scene of a tv show. Of course, the illusion only lasts until someone says something they'd never say on tv like, how much their life is like tv. There, it's gone.
Speaker : annie
Listener : group
I guess Jeff's running late again.
Speaker : britta
Listener : group
Oh, What a shame. Maybe we should get started...
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
I think we should wait for Jeff before we start studying.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
But maybe when Jeff gets here, we could talk to him as a group about his tardiness.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Don't use that word around Abed. In any case, if you want me to have a chat with Jeff, I'd be happy to do it. We've got a bond going, kind of. Sorta like brothers.
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
I hope your mom didn't make you take baths together 'cause one of you would've been like, 30.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : troy
That's funny. You know, Jeff probably comes late so he doesn't have to sit through all of your tardiness.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed
Sorry, Abed.
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
Spoilers.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
Real stories... They don't have spoilers. You understand that TV and life are different, right?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
My Lady.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
My Lord.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Hey, Baby.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Hi, Sweetie.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
You smell nice. Vitamin P.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Morning, Jeffrey. People were jazzed to see me too.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
Word 'em up.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
Word 'em everywhere.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Good entrance.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
That was for you.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I think there's something that the  group would like to talk to you about.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Actually, there's nothing...
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
If you're gonna study with people, it would be cool of you to show up on time.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
Oh. Were you waiting? talking about your interesting personal lives and your cool emotional problems. I just feel like I never have anything to offer. Truth is my life is emptier than this three-ring binder.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Annie, Do you have any Spanish notes that might fit in there? Double-spaced. Thank you.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
So what's a guy got to do to get a "C" around here?
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
One-liner.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
Good studying. See you later. Bye.


Speaker : britta
Listener : group
Will you guys have some self-respect? You're obsessing over someone who does not give you a second thought. Meanwhile, in Guatemala, journalists are being killed by their own government.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Baby, you, uh, jumped a column there. What's happening in Guatemala?
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Nothing.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Journalists are being murdered?
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie shirley
Believe me, every day in that country, people are being killed for speaking out. and the worst part of it is, when it's all over...
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie shirley
It's gonna be as if it never even happened.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
You know what today is? The two-week anniversary of my horrible first impression.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
There's a card for that?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Not specifically, but if you think of grandsons as a metaphor for friendship, I think you'll agree with this transformer here that it's time for ours to become a man. By reading from the Torah.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Look, Jeff. You're harmless enough to me cause a life full of ups and downs has given me douche-ray vision, but those are good people in there, and they trust and respect you. Watching you exploit them, kinda bums me out.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Exploit them? They're my friends.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
You want me to bring your car around, Jeff?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
No, Abed, I don't want you to bring my car around. I'll bring yours around, good guy. You get going, all right.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
You're cute, but selfish and narcissistic to the point of near delusion.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
She said I was cute.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Tell you what, you take her. I have less to prove. You can't pursue people so desperately. It starts to creep them out. Why don't we go get a beer? I'll give you some advice, and we can have what the  kids are calling a sausage fest.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
I'm not much of a sausage guy, Pierce. Maybe next time.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Next time, then.


Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Will you tell us more about Guatemala?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
I never went to a real college.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie shirley
You should discover that stuff on your own.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
But we need your help. We've been living on the wrong side of the looking glass. You're like Jodie Foster or Susan Sarandon. You'd rather keep it real than be likeable.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Can you at least tell us what to google?
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie shirley
You could start with this journalist Chacata-Panecos. He wrote an article critical of the government, and they killed him.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
That's horrible.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Can we have a protest? I want to protest the hell out of something.
Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley
We could have a candlelight vigil like lesbians have on the news.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
I could make brownies.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Brownies?


Speaker : chang
Listener : all
Every once in a while, a student come up to me and ask, Why do you teach Spanish?" They say it just like that. "Why do you teach Spanish?" "Why you?" Why not math? Why not photography? Why not martial arts? I mean, surely it must be in my nature to instruct you in something that's ancient and secret like building a wall that you can see from outer space. Well, I'll tell you  why I teach Spanish. It is none of your business, okay? Now, I don't want to have any conversations about what a mysterious and inscrutable man I am. I am a Spanish genius! In espanol, my nickname is "El tigre chino"! 'Cause my knowledge will bite her face off! So don't question Senor Chang or you'll get bit. Ya bit. Ya bit! Friday Manana, we'll be having conversations with the rest of the class using some of the phrases we learned in unit one. You'll be partnering up in pairs of dos. If you look under your desk, you'll find a card with either a picture or a word on it. For ejemplo, blondie aqui has a card with a picture of a house on it. So that means the person with the card with the word casa on it, is her partner. Comprende, Star-burns? See you Friday. Find your partners. Have a great day. And what do we say at the end of every class? Come on, hands... 90 percent of Spanish.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
You want to trade cards? I'll give you 20 bucks.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
No.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
50 bucks.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
I don't want your money. I want your shirt.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
What?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
I've had my eye on it since registration day.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
All right, fine. Give me your card.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
I don't think you understand. I want to wear it out of here.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
What are the odds?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Are you sure you didn't adjust the odds? I know Abed's been eyeing that shirt for three weeks. It's almost like you gave it to him so he would switch cards.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
I gave Abed my shirt because I'm not selfish, which is something I guess you'll finally  discover while we are working on this. Tomorrow night? Dinner, drinks.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I think that's something we should discuss with our partners. Oh, see, I did switch cards.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Can you believe this? What are the odds?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
That's a nice shirt. Want to sell it?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Yes.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
What's the moist towelette industry like? Believe me, it's nothing like the product. Nah. It's a hard, dry, large business. Destroyed all my marriages. Of course it didn't help any that  I can't have children. I'm not sterile. In fact, it's a rare condition they call "hyper-virility". Apparently my sperm shoot through the egg like bullets. Can you believe that?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
I can't. But you can, so that's fine. So, the assignment is to,uh, write a Spanish conversation using those five phrases.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Hemingway's Lemonade.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
We don't need to make this a long evening. We can just..
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Am I a piece of garbage to you?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
What? No!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Got ya. Let's have one drink before we work. To the "empowerage" of words.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
To the irony of that sentence.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
So what's up with you, Jeffrey? It seems like you got a burr up your ass or something.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Well, I guess that it's... I think it's Britta.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Forget Britta. ...you have to know is her name. What is she, a water filter? She's ugly.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Why don't we start with me saying...
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
What are you doing?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Our assignment.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Oh no no no. This is the first time people are gonna see Winger and Hawthorne together. We are gonna show them we're a force to be reckoned with. Come on, let's brainstorm some story ideas. Better yet, before we do that, let's ask ourselves... What is a story?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Oh, My God in heaven.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : extra
If you like that brownie, you'll gonna hate what's going up on in Guatemala. Google it.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Raise the truth.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Once it gets dark, I hand out the candles and we do  what's called "a speechless protest". We put the tape over our mouths, and gather hand-in-hand in a sea of outraged silence.
Speaker : britta
Listener : starburns
Starburns, no.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
What's gotten into you?
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie shirley
This is not how you do this.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
We know it's not how you do it cause we're doing everything.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie shirley
But this is tacky and lame. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. What I meant to say is that this cause is really personal to me.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Are you saying that we're not allowed to protest? Britta, you sound like Guatemala.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Sounds like somebody has the case of "likes to use French politics to make themselves special, "but doesn't actually ever want to do anything-itis."
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley annie
No. I do things. I went to... I don't do anything. What can I do?
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
You can hang the Chacata-Panecos pinata.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley annie
You guys realize he was beaten to death, right?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
That's where we got the idea from.
Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley
Poignant.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Alright, tell me what I've got so far.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
What we have so far? We have something incredibly long, and very confusing, and a little homophobic. And really, really, specifically, surprisingly, and gratuitously critical of Israel. And it's called "two conquistadors", should probably be "dos". I mean, it is a Spanish class. Oh, which reminds me, the only thing not included in this epic are the five phrases required to get me a passing grade.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
You're right. Needs more work.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Okay What do we do about the ending of act two?


Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff pierce
What are you guys doing?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
I have no idea.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff pierce
Well, we're headed to the demonstration.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed
What, Hippies?
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce jeff
Some cause Britta's into.
Speaker : abed
Listener : pierce jeff
It's a silent protest. Lots of candles. Gets the ladies in the mood for social  change. If you know what I mean. Good chance to put some miles on this shirt.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : troy abed
You realize these conversations are due in the morning. Don't you?
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Right. What do you want to do?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Hola, mi llamo Abed
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Hola, mi llamo Troy
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Donde esta la biblioteca?
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
La biblioteca esta en la ciudad
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Gracias
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed troy
Hacks.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're gonna take this, and we're gonna  put it in a museum for crazy people. And then we're gonna take this, and memorize five phrases from it tomorrow morning before class. Good night.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Wait a minute, Wait a minute, Wait a minute. You're bailing on our first sausage fest? This is your definition of friendship?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
No. This is my definition of you trying way too hard, and me finding it harder  and harder to stay polite. Now this was a fine enough way to spend an evening, devoid of hope, but a woman I kind of like is out there in the moonlight caring about something stupid, and this is my chance to show her that  I care enough to act like I care about it too.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
That's all you had to say, Jeff.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
That was it? That would've been great if I had done that two hours ago!


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Nice sign.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Thanks. I like what you've done with the place.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I think I was a little too harsh on you. I'm not perfect.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
I am. I'd be happy to show you the ropes.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Awesome! Look at awesome Jeffrey Winger. Too awesome for old Pierce with your hip shirts, and your gelled hair, and your cool tape over your mouth.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
Why is everybody wearing tape over their mouth?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
It's a protest, Pierce.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Oh, good. Cause I know what I'd like to protest... How much you hurt me.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
First, you constantly blow me off, then you want me to do your homework, then you tell me I'm trying too hard to be your friend so you have to go. You have to come out here to pretend to care about the stupid stuff she cares about.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
His words, not mine.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
He is paraphrasing.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Pierce, I got an idea. Why don't you go get a cup of coffee, and hold some waitress hostage with a monologue about your sperm.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
I'll show you some sperm, buddy. Was this your idea? What the hell? Fire.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
I'm not ready to die.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
He's jumped in the fountain. He's fine.


Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Conflicts like these will ultimately bring us together as an unlikely family.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
You have horrible breath right now.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Have you seen it?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
We did it, girl... Page three. Its uh, mostly about Pierce, but listen to that last paragraph.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
"The incident occurred during a protest regarding events in Guatemala." Awareness!
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
And this isn't the school paper, by the way. This is a real damn paper, there's a marmaduke in there.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley annie
Well, it's more than  I ever accomplished.
Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley
Did you guys know about  the ethnic cleansing in Burma?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
Need to bust out that brownie mix.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Morning.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Morning.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Oh. no, I get it. Garfield's wishing me a happy Arbor Day, And you'd like a fresh start.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Nice try. It's actually secretary's day, and it says that I'm sorry about crashing your protest with that drunken, self-immolating baby boomer.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
We don't blame you, sweetie. Pierce has always been on my watch list.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
That dude is crazy... He told me girls have two pee holes.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
I sang Christmas carols at a nursing home once. I've seen the face of dementia, and last night I saw it again.
Speaker : britta
Listener : group
You know what he did that's really crazy? He offered me $100 to switch cards with him just so he could be partners with Jeff. I think he thought getting closer to Jeff would bring him respect in the group. I think he spent his whole life looking out for himself and he would trade it all for a shot at some kind of family.


Speaker : chang
Listener : all
Hola, class. Time for our presentations. First up was supposed to be Jeff and Pierce, but Pierce explained the situation. Apparently there was a falling out, things were said, people were betrayed.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
Jeff, having heard Pierce's side of the story, I think the only humane thing to do would be to give you a "C" and let Pierce do his presentation alone, if that sounds fair to you.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
That doesn't sound fair to me at all.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Pierce, I understand that if you don't want to be my friend, but this thing we've created... It is bigger than the both of us, and it deserves to be done right.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
All right.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
Okay, guys? Why are there costumes involved? These are short conversations, they're not supposed to take...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
Your breath away? Well, tough.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
You ready, amigo?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Si.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
F.
Speaker : chang
Listener : pierce
F-minus.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : chang
What? Did you say S?


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
So. That was one of the worst things I have ever seen, which I guess makes being a part  of it, a pretty selfless act, so I'm impressed.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Well, how do you know I didn't do it just to get another shot at you?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Cause a smart guy like you would know that no woman in that class would be able  to look at you as a sexually viable candidate ever again.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
No, I know. I thought of that.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
She looked back.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
You did an all right job  up there, my friend.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Thanks Pierce
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
A couple of notes You got this thing you do with your face when you're trying to be funny that forces people to think about how cool you think you are.


Speaker : troy
Listener : self
Donde, esta, la biblioteca. Me llamo T-Bone, la arana discoteca.
Speaker : abed
Listener : self
Discoteca, muneca, la biblioteca. Esta en bigotes grandes, el perro, manteca
Speaker : troy
Listener : self
Manteca, bigotes, gigante, pequeno, la cabeza es nieve, cerveza es bueno.
Speaker : abed
Listener : self
Buenos dias, me gusta papas frias, los bigotes de la cabra es Cameron Diaz!
Speaker : abed
Listener : self
Yeah boy. Boy.
Speaker : troy
Listener : self
Yeah
Speaker : abed
Listener : self
What? It's 2009.
Speaker : troy
Listener : self
Word.




Community - 1x03 - Introduction to Film.HDTV.FQM.en.srt

Speaker : whitman
Listener : all
death... So-called... Is a thing that makes men weep. And yet a third of life is spent In sleep. Open your textbooks to page 37. Now...close them and throw them away. Throw it away! Throw it away! For those of you who are new, The motto of this class: carpe diem. "seize the day!" No tests! no papers. You want an "a"? Live in... The moment.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
jackpot.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : all
take off your shoes. Quick. take off your shoes. everyone, take your shoes off. Throw them away. Throw them across the room over there. Today, we learn to walk! Get up and walk out the door! This day could be your last!
Speaker : whitman
Listener : extra
You could die in your sleep.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : extra
You could get hit by a bus.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : extra
You, that mole is raised and dark.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : extra
It's not a good combo.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : jeff
You are new.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : whitman
yes, i'm new. But i'll be old too soon. Carpe diem, sir. carpe diem!
Speaker : whitman
Listener : jeff
i like it!


Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
voice command. Voice command. Voice command. Voice command. Voice command! would you please use the buttons?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
okay, grandpa.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : troy
oh, god bless you, dear.
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
what's so funny?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
you guys, i found it. the ultimate blow-off class. Professor Whitman. he thinks he's in dead poets society. There's no tests. there's no work. It's just "day seizing." The deadline to enroll is tomorrow. I suggest you all do it.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
well, some of us are here to actually learn things.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
i'm in.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
me too. it sounds educational.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie jeff
i'll do it. i love robin williams.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
abed?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
not a fan. In every movie, there's an authority figure That gets mad at him for making people laugh.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
no, are--are you going to take the class?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
oh, can't.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
My dad will only pay for classes That will help me run the family restaurant. It's been struggling since 2001. 9/11 was pretty much the 9/11 of the falafel business.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
so your dad has your whole life planned out for you? Are you even interested in falafel?
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
i'm interested in making movies. But my dad says all media's western propaganda That negatively stereotypes arabs.
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
then he should see aladdin. jafar was a bad-ass.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
yes, he was.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
abed.
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
mm.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
how much does a film class cost?
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
$70.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Britta.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Jeff.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Britta.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
isn't abed's dad a hardcore muslim?  They're not as understanding as christians. You can get your head cut off with a salami sword.
Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley
Shirley! That's the most racist thing i've ever heard.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Pierce will beat that in one minute.
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
this is really nice of you.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
the memo says "for dreams."
Speaker : group
Listener : abed
oh!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
you guys, are we going to study spanish Or keep getting involved in each other's personal lives?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
hey, Troy sneezes like a girl.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
and how about i pound you like a boy? That didn't come out right.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
why don't you all just leave him alone With his cute little baby sneezes.
Speaker : troy
Listener : shirley
you're not my mother.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : troy
she's not?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
29 seconds.


Speaker : whitman
Listener : shirley
what's your name?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : whitman
my name is Shirley Bennett.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : shirley
Shirley, you get an "a"...
Speaker : shirley
Listener : whitman
oh.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : shirley
if you can tell me why you are here at greendale.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : shirley
Shirley?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : whitman
to get a degree in business So i can sell my baked goods and whatnot on the internet.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : shirley
why...are you here?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : whitman
to get a degree in business So i can sell my baked goods and whatnot on the internet.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : shirley
why are you here?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : whitman
because i wasted 15 years of my life on a man Who left me with nothing but stretch marks And a foggy memory of two bland orgasms. And now it's time to get what's mine.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : all
day seized. Only when we stop stopping our lives Can we begin to start starting them. Ms. Edison here, for example, would rather write About what happens to other people Than live what is happening to her.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
what'd i tell you? Okay, but, uh, never again.


Speaker : annie
Listener : whitman
i thought there might be a quiz.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : annie
well, here's a quiz for you. Why did the pretty young girl die alone Surrounded by sweater-wearing cats Who are trained to use human toilets?
Speaker : whitman
Listener : all
Get up on your desk. Come on. stand on your desk. Up on your desk. She made it! ha ha! Everyone stand on your desks! Up, up, up, up, up! come on. Rise, rise, rise above the programming. All your lives you were told don't stand on your desks. Well, why not?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : extra
ooh! ooh! oh, heaven. My.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : all
she's okay. Go to the nurse. seize the day.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : all
your homework. ah. I want you to swim in a lake And tell ten people that you love them.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : jeff
Mr. winger, can i have a word, please?
Speaker : annie
Listener : extra
are you okay.
Speaker : extra
Listener : annie
oh, maybe i'm not.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
you know, i was really moved by your honesty earlier. Particularly the part about your husband Not being able, you know...


Speaker : whitman
Listener : jeff
hi. Mr. winger, i like to think that every life That passes through this class is changed. But every year, there's always one cocky opportunist Who's just here to coast and grab an easy "a."
Speaker : jeff
Listener : whitman
oh, yeah. his name's Pierce. I-i can talk to him for you.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : jeff
It's actually you, mr. winger. You have no intention of seizing the day.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : whitman
what? listen, i-i have never lived Until i met you. I-i love you. Oh, there's one down. nine to go. Not that i need the grade or even want it!
Speaker : whitman
Listener : jeff
well, i'm glad to hear it. Because if you don't genuinely seize the day Before the end of the week, Then you will be seizing an "f" for the semester.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : whitman
you... This is no way to teach accounting!


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
i have to plan in advance How to prove that i live in the moment. I mean, i'd rather take an actual class, But now it's too late to drop or add.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
it is not fair how hard it is for you to cheat here.


Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
hey, how's it going? How's your film class, buddy?
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
it's cool. our first assignment is a documentary. They're like real movies, but with ugly people. I'm learning a lot.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed jeff
that is so wonderful. Some people don't like getting involved In other's lives. I think it's great.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed britta
hey, if you're making a documentary About Britta patting herself on the back, You're gonna need a backup battery.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
actually, i'm doing a movie about my dad.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
that is brilliant. How did he react to you signing up for the film class? that part hasn't happened yet. here he comes.
Speaker : abeddad
Listener : self
hey! you want to get involved in my family's business?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
holy...war.
Speaker : abeddad
Listener : jeff
where do i find mr. Britta?
Speaker : britta
Listener : abeddad
i'm mr. Britta. That's right. i'm a woman with rights. And you can see my whole face.
Speaker : abeddad
Listener : britta
oh, i get it! Because i'm arab, i must hate women. Let me tell you something, i love women. But i'm getting a major b-word vibe from you.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abeddad
wow, i can't believe i missed out On getting involved in this.
Speaker : abeddad
Listener : britta
you go host american idol And you stop messing with my son. He's a special boy. I raise him, okay? you don't raise him.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abeddad
raising him means letting him follow his dreams.
Speaker : abeddad
Listener : britta
dreams are for sleeping.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abeddad
you don't know that.
Speaker : abeddad
Listener : britta
it's clinically proven.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abeddad
so's polio.
Speaker : abeddad
Listener : britta
you lost me!
Speaker : britta
Listener : abeddad
abed wants to study film.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
wait, what is he saying?
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
he says "we're leaving."
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
tell him that you want to stay and study film.
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
i don't think i'm really in the scene.
Speaker : abeddad
Listener : britta jeff abed
see, it was hard enough to talk to him before. Now we have this between us!
Speaker : abeddad
Listener : abed
Let's go!
Speaker : britta
Listener : abeddad
hey! hey!
Speaker : abeddad
Listener : britta
hey, don't touch me!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta abeddad
guys, guys, stop it. stop it.
Speaker : abeddad
Listener : britta
you don't touch me!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Britta back up. stop.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abeddad
Sir, you have a right to your faith And your family's privacy. But abed is an adult and a u.s. citizen.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Right?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
yeah.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abeddad
and he has the right to stay.
Speaker : abeddad
Listener : jeff
fine. you want to raise him, you raise him. I'm out!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abeddad
wait, what?
Speaker : britta
Listener : abeddad
you know, i had a father like you. And the day i finally cut myself loose is the day i finally started being happy.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
well, that went well.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
i'll have to make some adjustments to my film. Jeff, i think you should play the role of my father.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
i don't want to be your father.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
that's perfect. you already know your lines.


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
What? Why are you dressed like an '80s rapist?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
professor Whitman comes by here every morning And i need him to see me celebrating life. What's all that?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
i am calculating abed's expenses For the semester. You know, there's books. there's meals. He's renting that camera. And, you know, he needs a little spending money.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
um, all money is spending money.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Britta, um, it's amazing what you're doing for abed. I mean, a lot of people talk a good game. But you, you follow through. love you.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Shirley, thank you. Bet that doesn't happen to you a lot.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
happened yesterday. Shirley's just doing her homework.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : extra
hillary, thank you for getting people coffee. I love you.


Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
abed, how's it going, buddy?
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
good. my film is coming together.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Cool tie, Jeff. Are you wearing that Because you're playing the role of my dad, Or is it really christmas?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
definitely christmas.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
is that a new camera?
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
yeah.
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
It's more expensive, But it lets me adjust really specific settings That most people don't notice or think about.
Speaker : abed
Listener : extra
Hi, i would like a latte.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
And, Jeff, let me get you something.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
i'm okay.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
oh, come on. i got you.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
no, really. i don't need anything.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
no, really. you're insulting me. Look at all this cash.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
okay, i will get a small, black coffee.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : jeff
boo. an ordinary coffee for an ordinary life.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : whitman
good morning, professor Whitman.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : jeff
sorry, mr. winger, these won't cut it.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
shazbot!
Speaker : whitman
Listener : extra
i shall have... A birthday cake!


Speaker : pierce
Listener : troy
i've seen men in your situation, Troy. No, those are both for me. You were on top of the world before And now no one gives a rat's ass. I can help you with your image. First, lose the jacket. You look like a high school bitch. But more importantly, it's your sneeze. When i was a ceo, I had an array of masculine sneezes That asserted dominance. You know, like, the explosive, Shock-the-room-into-silence sneeze. Or the draw-them-in sneeze. You know... And maybe i wouldn't sneeze because i'm in control. You could even use a sneeze to drive home a point even. Like, i think-- i think the cubs Are going to win it all this year. What do you think?
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
tell me more.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
it's showtime.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : all
Hey, everybody. good morning. Good morning, sir. Good morning, greendale! hi! good morning! Watch the kite. uh-oh. Mind if i get a chance? oh! Look at this. one foot. Thanks, you guys. bring it in here. Nice. thank you so much, you guys. That was really fun.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : jeff
sloppy. And considering the age of these girls, Unwittingly creepy.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : whitman
damn it.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : extra
Beat it.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : whitman
Professor, will you look at the amount of work That i'm putting into this? I mean, throw me a bone!
Speaker : whitman
Listener : jeff
had i not already cried at the sunrise this morning, I would be weeping right now.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : whitman
what does that mean?
Speaker : whitman
Listener : jeff
what do you mean, Jeff? What does your life mean? How long does it take you in the morning To--to make it look like you have bed head? How many sweat pants, sport jacket combos did you try Before you found the one that said "i don't care"? Seize the day, Jeff, for real. Go running naked in a hailstorm, Kiss a girl in the middle of the day, Fly a kite, but do it for yourself. Or you won't just fail my class, You'll fail life.
Speaker : britta
Listener : whitman
thank you.


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
That guy's really got your number.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
drop the flower.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
look, i really need to talk to you about abed. I went by his film class today. he wasn't there. He's cutting. I want to know why he would do something like that.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
ask him.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
every time i try to ask him about it, He just keeps filming me and telling me That i'm playing the role of his mother.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
abed is not normal. That's what you bought When you intentionally tangled yourself in his life.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
look, will you just-- will you please talk to him?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
i've got problems of my own! I'm out here trying to seize a day!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
What in the hell? Is he gonna kill us?


Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
thanks for the pizza, abed. i was starving.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
yeah, it's nice. like a--like a picnic.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed
or a family dinner.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
it's a study group and a pizza. Let's not get carried away.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
so, abed, how's film class?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
good.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
yeah? did you go to class today?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
not really.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
not really. Well, Britta's paying for those classes. Don't you think maybe you should go?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
i was shooting my movie.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
yeah, but your movie's for class.
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
my movie's more important.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
well, ooh la la.
Speaker : extra
Listener : group
someone order seven lattes?
Speaker : abed
Listener : extra
i got that.
Speaker : britta
Listener : extra
no, you don't got it. I got it, abed. i got everything. What is wrong with you? All i want to do is take care of you. I know you're not stupid. are you doing this on purpose? Why won't you answer me?
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
'cause this is the scene where you leave.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
you better believe it.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Britta.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
what do you think, dad?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
i think you are really weird, abed. And i think the wrong person just left.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
perfect. that's a wrap.
Speaker : extra
Listener : abed
that guy was your dad?


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
hey.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
hey. You don't really have tickets for ravi shankar, do you?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
i lied to get you here Because it's time to communicate.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
communicate. have you met abed?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
it's not the two of you that need to talk.
Speaker : abeddad
Listener : jeff
hey, wait a minute, where's weezer?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abeddad
they're coming.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abeddad britta
All right, now, the only reason Why this whole mess got started Is because both of you wanted the best for abed. And i think the lesson we can all take away from this Is that everyone should always do Whatever they want and leave each other out of it.
Speaker : abeddad
Listener : jeff britta
is that your take? let me give you mine. You and your pillow-lipped girlfriend Got all up in my stuff because you wanted to be cowboys And then you turned chicken when you found out It will take more than speeches and guided missiles.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abeddad
interesting. hadn't seen the iraq metaphor, but--
Speaker : abeddad
Listener : jeff
what iraq metaphor? I am talking about your speeches And her guided--
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abeddad
got it!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
The point is is that Britta is sorry, right?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
wrong.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
crap.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abeddad
abed may not be a great filmmaker, But that doesn't mean that he wants to make falafel. You need to let him make his own decisions.
Speaker : abeddad
Listener : britta
make his own decisions? Have you met abed? you know who he is?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta abeddad
guys.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abeddad
yes.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta abeddad
guys!
Speaker : abeddad
Listener : britta
he loves--


Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff britta abeddad
i'm finished.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff britta abeddad
Britta, Jeff, dad.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
how's it going, buddy?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
i don't want to be your father. I think you are weird, abed.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
okay, look, i need to talk to you about abed.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
he's not normal.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
what is wrong with you? All i want to do is take care of you. Why will you not answer me?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
what do you think, dad?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
i think you are weird, abed. And i think the wrong person just left.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
it's not exactly citizen kane.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
i feel a little out of the loop here.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
that feeling is called the joy of freedom.
Speaker : abeddad
Listener : jeff britta
my son is hard to understand. If making movies help him be understood, Then i pay for the class.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
i made this all happen.
Speaker : abeddad
Listener : jeff britta
with falafel as a fallback.


Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
abed.
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
yeah.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
did you do all of that to me on purpose? That's not a very nice way to treat your friends.
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
well, Britta, it isn't called friend business, It's called show business.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
he's smoking.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
honey, let him leave the nest.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
get your hand off my knee.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
sorry.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : troy
god--god bless you. god bless you.
Speaker : troy
Listener : shirley
thank you.


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
for someone who doesn't like getting involved, Well, i owe you.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
you owe me. That cannot be comfortable for you.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
hey, um, you should kiss me right now.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : jeff
day seized!
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
we're even.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : jeff
"a" plus, winger. I know a life-changing kiss when i see one. Wowee! ha ha!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
yeah. fooled you.


Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
am I krumping?
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
no.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
am I krumping?
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
no.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
am I krumping now?
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
no.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
am I krumping now?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
No! This is krumping.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
We are krumping.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
No you are not


Speaker : jeff
Listener : extra
hey, man. my name's Jeff. I'm trying to lock down the rest of my schedule Before the deadline. I heard this class was a cakewalk. Are you passing it? Do you like dane cook?
Speaker : extra
Listener : jeff
yeah, he's awesome.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : extra
so far so good.




Community - 1x04 - Social Psychology.HDTV.NoTV.en.srt

Speaker : chang
Listener : all
Before we wrap up, i would like to thank you guys For filling out these anonymous evaluation cards. I found your feedback To be largely constructive and flattering, So gracias on that.
Speaker : abed
Listener : chang
De nada.
Speaker : chang
Listener : abed
You don't have to sign your name anymore.
Speaker : abed
Listener : chang
Got it.
Speaker : chang
Listener : annie
But there was one evaluation That was so harsh and hurtful And racist That i took the time personally To analyze that handwriting against past exams. And this particular coward Dots her is with tiny, Itty-Bitty, little circles. Boop. Boop. Tcch! Isn't that precious and cute? Who's "erratic and unstable" now, Princess Gringa?


Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Nice day out today, isn't it?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Yeah. Shoot!


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
You forget something?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Yeah. I forgot to stagger the timing of my exit with shirley's. We both have a class across campus, and i can't go That kind of distance with "ooh, that's nice."
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
That's mean.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
No. that's not nice.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I find shirley very easy to talk to, And besides, aren't you supposed to have, Like, an olympic gold medal in jibber-Jabber?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Yeah, but i'm a sprinter. I am at my best during high-Speed bursts of wit. On a shirley walk, i'd be winded by that stoner tree.


Speaker : vaughn
Listener : britta
Hey, britta, hi. What's up?
Speaker : britta
Listener : vaughn
Hey, vaughn, how's it going?
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : britta
No worries.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Interesting. 'Cause i might be worried If i was playing hacky sack a decade too late.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
My class is that way.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
All right, but i just wanted to point out That we easily walked more than 100 yards With no awkward pauses, And that is the sign of a true friend.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I am really glad that you're not hitting on me anymore.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
There's the awkward pause.


Speaker : annie
Listener : extra
Excuse me. Oh, sorry, ladies.
Speaker : annie
Listener : duncan
Professor duncan! Professor duncan!
Speaker : duncan
Listener : annie
What?
Speaker : annie
Listener : duncan
Excuse me. Annie edison. I am in your 101 lecture.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : annie
Hello.
Speaker : annie
Listener : duncan
I've heard about your special psych lab.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : annie
Ah. The duncan principle.
Speaker : annie
Listener : duncan
Yes. And i know it's limited to second-Year students, But i had a 4.0 at riverside high, And i'm not looking down on this school at all, But i'm only here because of a brief addiction to pills That i was told would help me...focus, But they actually made me lose my scholarship and virginity. So--
Speaker : duncan
Listener : annie
Right.
Speaker : annie
Listener : duncan
If you would let me take your lab early, It would be a real feather in my transcript.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : annie
Okay, i've actually been in this situation many times, So i'm just going to be up front. I am not allowed to date students.
Speaker : annie
Listener : duncan
Oh!
Speaker : duncan
Listener : annie
Even though you're an eight.
Speaker : annie
Listener : duncan
Oh!
Speaker : duncan
Listener : annie
Which is a british ten, So i'm angry.
Speaker : annie
Listener : duncan
Oh!
Speaker : duncan
Listener : annie
But if, in spite of that, you are still interested, Then you may join the lab. Ah! Okay. You need to bring two human subjects. And it would not hurt your chances one bit If you could lend me a fiver. I seem to have left my purse in my duffle And my duffle in the boot of my lorry, so--
Speaker : annie
Listener : duncan
Oh.


Speaker : vaughn
Listener : britta
I asked politely, and then panda took his pants off.
Speaker : britta
Listener : vaughn
I never even knew that's what asexual meant.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
I wonder what this express package could be? Somebody had to get something to me very fast.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
You brought your mail to campus?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Oh, yes. My ear-Noculars.
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
What is that? It looks like your bluetooth thingie.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : troy
No, no, no, no, no. This is my cell phone headset. And this is ear-Noculars. It's for spies and whatnot. It gives you sonic hearing.
Speaker : abed
Listener : pierce
All hearing is sonic.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
What's that?


Speaker : annie
Listener : group
So who wants to be in a psych experiment?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Hey, guys, guys, guys? Annie is talking about some kind of experiment.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
She's behind you. Not interested.
Speaker : annie
Listener : group
Please? You get paid.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Do they do stuff to your butt?
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
No.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
No.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
That's fine. I will do it. I am in.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
Yay!
Speaker : annie
Listener : abed
How about you, abed? It's tomorrow.
Speaker : abed
Listener : annie
Ooh, tomorrow? They're showing all four indiana joneses at the vista. I am really looking forward to the first three. I bought a whip.
Speaker : annie
Listener : abed
This is really important to me, abed. Could you please go as my friend? My really good friend?
Speaker : abed
Listener : annie
Wow, i didn't realize we were really good friends. I figured we were more like chandler and phoebe. They never really had stories together. Sure, i'll do it, chandler.
Speaker : annie
Listener : abed
Oh, thank you, abed.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
Oh!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
I am gonna go save britta from that dude.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Yeah, she looks like she's in trouble.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
Hope he doesn't try to "handsome" her to death.


Speaker : vaughn
Listener : britta
And panda has no pants.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Hey.
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : jeff
Hey, hi, what's up, man? I am vaughn.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : vaughn
You in line?
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : jeff
Oh, no, no, no. We're just, uh, we're just chillin'. Hey, you're not gonna order coffee?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : vaughn
Oh, no, i was just gonna see if britta--
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : jeff
Hey, no judgment, bro. I used to do coffee. Then i made the switch to green tea. It's, like--It's, like, Filled with these antioxidants and stuff.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : vaughn
Hmm.
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : jeff
It's pretty tight.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : vaughn
Tight. Yes. I've heard that about green tea.
Speaker : britta
Listener : vaughn
I like green tea. I should make the change.
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : britta
Up top, sugar bear.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : vaughn
Yeah, give me some of that.
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : jeff
There it is.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : extra
Small coffee, please.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Britta's making the change to green tea.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
Oh, that's good. It's good for your skin.


Speaker : duncan
Listener : all
Welcome, research assistants. If you turn your attention to the monitor, You will see that our subjects Are waiting for the experiment to begin, but... It's actually happening right now.
Speaker : all
Listener : duncan
Wow.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : all
You see, the waiting is the experiment. The duncan principle is simple. Namely, that the more control lost by the-- Yeah, i'm gonna write this down too, actually. That's a good point. The more control lost by the ego, The more gained by the id, Resulting in a surprisingly predictable Emotional eruption or breaking point, Known to ma and pa as a good old-Fashioned tantrum. Oh.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : annie
Annie, why don't you, uh, go and tell our subjects That we're going to be starting the experiment In five minutes, okay? And annie... It's never actually going to start.
Speaker : garrett
Listener : all
Ho ho.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : all
Let's do this.


Speaker : annie
Listener : all
Hi, everyone.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
Hi, troy.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Hi, abed. Hi.
Speaker : annie
Listener : chang
Hi, senor chang.
Speaker : chang
Listener : annie
What, a community college spanish teacher Can't use 80 bucks?
Speaker : annie
Listener : chang
Well, we're just running a little bit behind, So we'll probably start in about five minutes.
Speaker : chang
Listener : annie
No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no! It's unacceptable, all right? You lied to me! When you say something starts at 9:00, It starts at nueve!
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
No! No!
Speaker : duncan
Listener : all
Houston, we have an idiot.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Did you know we walk the same way after class? I am sure you didn't or else we would've been walking together, Unless you're a jerk. Just kidding.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Let's do it.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Mm-Hmm. Don't go too fast for these dogs. Short legs. So how do you like--
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
So you've got a kid, right?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
What's that?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Nothing.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
So pierce isn't exactly right in the head, is he?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
I know a lot of grown men With radar dishes coming out of their ear.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
he's like inspector gadget.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Yeah, go, go, gadget incontinence.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
And how about that guy that's always around, flirting with britta?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
I know! He's the worst! Vaughn?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
I know, and what is it with his hair?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
It's perpetually moist.


Speaker : duncan
Listener : all
Okay, we're three hours in, so let's review what we've seen. And pay close attention to every subject's breaking point. We've got a shouter. That one's a stomper. Bye, hippie. There's a generic whack job, bouncing up and down Like a six-Foot child. Shaking. Write that down. Visible shakes. Look at the little one chase the big one. Look at him go. I am gonna make him go quicker. It's like benny hill looks. Whoo, ooh, ooh, get him. Come back again. Whoo, ooh, ooh, get him. All right? There's a bit of fun. It lightens the mood. And back to the present. And then there were two. Break.


Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
No, no, no! Annie! What is going on in there? Why--? What is taking so long? I've wasted all day here for you. The soul train awards were tonight. You promised butt stuff!
Speaker : duncan
Listener : all
And he's out. We got him. strike three. You're gone.
Speaker : troy
Listener : self
There's so much dust in here.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : all
Do you know what? The longer they wait, the harder they break. Buckle up, students.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Do you see how often hacky sack takes his shirt off? He'd play shirts and skins in a game of checkers.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
I am so glad to be able to talk to someone about this. I wanted to say something to britta about it, But we're supposed to be friends now, And she'd think i was jealous.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
I don't see why you and britta aren't together. Two cute white people, going to school together, Just seems right.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Shirley, we're not pandas in a zoo.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Oh. Oh, dear.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
That is not what i want to see.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
There goes the shirt.


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Hey.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Hey, i'm fine. How are-- Want me to, uh, Want me to check you for grass stains?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I wasn't sure how or when to bring up That i was hanging out with vaughn. I figured that you'd make fun of him...and me.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Uh, first of all, Friends do not make fun of each other, Even if they're being tackled in the quad by a hippie, And secondly, vaughn seems cool.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Well, you guys should hang out sometime. I gotta go. I--Uh, that was tacky out there. You won't ever see that again.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Oh, no worries, brah.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Shirley, did you see senor chang's socks today? Tiny bullfighters.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
I can top that. Did you see that hacky sack wears an anklet? Since when won't you talk about vaughn?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Look, i'm trying to be a good friend to britta. She thought i was gonna make fun of him, But i want to be unpredictable. I am gonna show her that i am not the jerk she thinks i am And friend the hell out of That green-Tea-Drinking drum circler.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Okay, but tell me you've noticed How small his nipples are.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Not engaging.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
What? It's not gossip when it's fact. My kids have got hamsters with bigger nips.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
No!
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Oh, well.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
No!
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Jeff!


Speaker : duncan
Listener : annie
Is it on pause?
Speaker : annie
Listener : duncan
No, that's just him.
Speaker : annie
Listener : abed
Sorry you've been waiting 26 hours. It's just gonna be another five minutes.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : self
Oh, my... Why won't he leave?
Speaker : garrett
Listener : duncan
Professor.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : garrett
What?
Speaker : garrett
Listener : duncan
I am sorry, but this guy's not moving. I have classes to go to.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : garrett
Go! Fine! Go kill john lennon again, you loser.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : self
He's ruined my study! He has--He has warped the duncan principle. Damn you, you outlying piece of datum! ow! Aah!
Speaker : duncan
Listener : annie
It's you! It's your fault!
Speaker : annie
Listener : duncan
But you told me to bring subjects.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : annie
Yeah, subjects! Not rain man! I should never have let you into this lab, Miss annie fanny panties in a bunch!
Speaker : annie
Listener : duncan
Oh! Oh, that's so hilarious! Did you think of that The last time you skipped a trip to the dentist?
Speaker : duncan
Listener : annie
Oh, let me answer that question with another question.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : all
It's not--It's not fair! It's not fair! Why, why, why? What are you doing? Put your-- Stop writing! Put your pen-- Give me that! Get out! Get out, you dorks! Get out!
Speaker : duncan
Listener : annie
You have destroyed the duncan principle!


Speaker : abed
Listener : annie
Okey-Dokey.
Speaker : annie
Listener : abed
Go home!
Speaker : abed
Listener : annie
Cool. See ya.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : vaughn
So britta said that you did a lot of community service.
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : jeff
Ultimate frisbee at the senior's center. It is amazing.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : vaughn
And what makes frisbee ultimate?
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : jeff
Aw, man, if i had a nickel For every time i wished somebody asked me that.
Speaker : britta
Listener : vaughn jeff
I am gonna get dessert. Want anything?
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : britta
Carrots.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Oh, i'm good.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff vaughn
Hey, you two.
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : shirley
Hey.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : vaughn
Well, that's a cool shirt.
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : shirley
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : vaughn
Where's it from?
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : shirley
Oh, uh, i don't even know. I guess it's-- Well, uh-- Hey, look at that. "Hanes classic."
Speaker : shirley
Listener : vaughn
Oh, that's nice.
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : jeff shirley
You know, people underestimate the elderly, You know, but you see these guys out there And they're throwing the bee And they're just loving life. It's just inspiring.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : vaughn
You know, i'm gonna really-- I am gonna think about it.
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : jeff shirley
All right. I am gonna go check on britts. See ya.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : vaughn
See ya.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
You are the devil.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
I know.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Donde vaughn ustedes los sabados?


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Domingo, pl-- Oh, okay, I--
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Where do we go on saturdays? You said sunday.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I have a question for you. You like vaughn, right?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Oh, he--He's very cute.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I am just worried That he's thinking a little bit more intensely About this thing than i am. He says stuff, you know, after...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
School?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
After...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Dinner mints?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
After...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Not having sex?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Ahh...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
How was that?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
What? Forget that. The problem right now is that he's calling me "babe." He's trying to hold my hand. It's getting a little relationship-Y. And he gave me something.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Herpes?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
No. This.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
A poem?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
How do i respond to something like that? "Thank you"?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Well, it's a very good question. And it's one i will answer. Uh-- Ooh, i'm getting a text. I am just gonna read it, if you don't mind. I am reading it, and it is read.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
"Did you ever notice where the ocean meets the sky, did ya? It's the same wizard blue that i see in your eye, brit-Ta."
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Oh, no, no. "Wizard blue"?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Yeah.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Thank you so much. You just brightened my day. I am so glad we can rip on that dude again.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Look at this, look at this. That is the stain of a teardrop over the word "rad."
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Oh, he said "rad"? I thought he said "bad." Oh, that makes it worse.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
I am surprised he can read.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Oh!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
You know?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
I know.


Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Hey, sorry about bailing on the psych experiment.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
That was the experiment, troy. We were testing to see how long people would wait in the room.
Speaker : troy
Listener : self
Whoa.
Speaker : abed
Listener : annie
Oh, gotcha.
Speaker : annie
Listener : abed
"Gotcha"? That's all you have to say?
Speaker : abed
Listener : annie
Yeah.
Speaker : annie
Listener : abed
You sat in a room for 26 straight hours. Didn't that bother you?
Speaker : abed
Listener : annie
Yeah, i was livid.
Speaker : annie
Listener : abed
Then why didn't you leave?
Speaker : abed
Listener : annie
Because you asked me to stay and you said we were friends.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Wait. Is this still part of the experiment?


Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
He's more like a puppy with a fish mouth.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Right, right. It's more like this.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
That's right. Laugh it up. You guys want to know what they're doing?
Speaker : abed
Listener : pierce
Yeah.
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
Sure.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Making fun of all of us.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
I heard you with my own ear...noculars.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Pierce, we are not making fun of you.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
Uh-Huh. Calling me "hacky sack" And ripping my--My six pack abs and my moist hair.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
And that face you made? Well, i think it's pretty obviously annie.
Speaker : troy
Listener : self
Okay, this is definitely still part of the experiment.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Pierce, we were not making fun of you.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
Yeah.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
We're making fun britta's boyfriend, vaughn.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff shirley
Oh, good. Well, in that case. But if we're gonna do something, let's do it as a team. I will get the ball rolling. Maybe he has a tiny penis.
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
Who is this guy?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
You all have got to see him. Everything's all, "no worries, no worries." And he always says hello three times in a row. Hello, good evening, how are you? And--Here, look! He wrote a poem!
Speaker : group
Listener : self
Oh!
Speaker : abed
Listener : shirley
Can i read it?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
We shouldn't show that.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Oh, no, it's fine.


Speaker : britta
Listener : vaughan
So i'll be done in, like, an hour.
Speaker : vaughan
Listener : britta
Yeah. No worries.
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
He just said it!
Speaker : britta
Listener : group
Guys, you've met vaughn, right?
Speaker : vaughan
Listener : group
Hey. What's up? Hi. This troop's got a case of the giggles, huh? Is that--?
Speaker : vaughan
Listener : britta
Did you give them my poem?
Speaker : britta
Listener : vaughan
No.
Speaker : vaughan
Listener : britta
Okay, well, Why is the dinosaur rocking a picture of my poem?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : vaughan
Here, read it.
Speaker : vaughan
Listener : group
Oh, you guys are-- Right? You guys are laughing at me, aren't you?
Speaker : abed
Listener : vaughan
Yeah.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : vaughan
No.
Speaker : vaughan
Listener : britta
That's uh, wow. This is the least tight thing that's ever happened to me.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I can't believe you.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Honestly, jeff, how dare you?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
He's crying. Now he's barking.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Jeff, wait! I am sorry i sold you out.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Britta is never gonna forgive me. I can't believe i showed you that poem. Oh, my god, my life is degrassi high.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Oh, jeff. I have a gossip problem. I stir the pot, jeff. I am a pot stirrer. This isn't even the only study group i've had this year. You see those ladies over there? I used to be in their group till they kicked me out. They call me "tattle-Ina." It's a bumblebee nickname. It's--It's cute, but it stings.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Hey, look at the size of that woman's earrings. It's like little dogs should be jumping through them.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Mmmmmmm!
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
This is never going to work.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Look at them.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
This has to end. Mm-Mm, mm-Mm.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Shirley, don't do this. Look, we can still hang out. It's just, you know, we won't bag on people.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Come on, jeff. What are we gonna talk about? My kids? Your--Your doctor career?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
I was a lawyer.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
See? I am already bored.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Well, we'll always have "tiny nipples."
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
they were tiny. Okay. Jeff, wait. Wait. I know i shouldn't do this, But one last little piece of gossip. Britta told me she had a sex dream about you. You still have a chance.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
mm-Hmm. Mm-Mm.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Details.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Mmmmmm! Mm-Mmm.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Details!
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Mm-Mmm!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Details!


Speaker : annie
Listener : abed
Abed, here. I wanted to say sorry for yelling at you.
Speaker : abed
Listener : annie
Indiana jones. Cool.
Speaker : annie
Listener : abed
I just got the first three because... the fourth one blows.
Speaker : abed
Listener : annie
the fourth one blows.
Speaker : abed
Listener : annie
We're cool.


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I do not want to talk to you.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
No, i know, and i'm sorry. I am really sorry. I am really, really sorry, And i will go talk to vaughn if you want me to.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Vaughan broke up with me.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Oh. Oh.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
You broke my trust. You suck.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
I know, and i'm sorry, But i was in a tough position. I couldn't handle just being one of the girls.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
What do you want to be?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Is there a spot on the friendship spectrum Between total stranger And having to hear about the guys you date? And ideally, just a notch underneath Driving you to the airport and painting your kitchen?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
How about the friend level Where you sometimes have to cat-Sit?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Done. And if i'm occasionally naked in your dreams, I won't complain.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Shirley.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
I know. She's got a problem. She stirs the pot. She's a pot stirrer.


Speaker : vaughan
Listener : extra
Sorry, dudes.
Speaker : extra
Listener : vaughan
No worries, man.
Speaker : vaughan
Listener : extra
Yeah, some worries, man. Some worries.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
Whoa. Shirley would have said something funny about that guy.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
and so i told him... Oh, hey--Hey, jeff.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Shh shh shh shh.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
Oh, no.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Pierce! Pierce, give me your ear-Thing.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Got rid of it. You see, jeff, there are certain things Man was not meant to hear. We were designed, by whatever entity you choose, To hear what's in this range, And really, this range alone. Because you know who's talking to us in this range? The people we love.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
He must have heard us call him inspector gadget.


Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
[Imitates a stoner] Oh, i think it's time For burning man.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
[Dorky voice] Ew, i'm saddam hussein. Ew.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
[Imitates a stoner] Nice to meet you, dude.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
[Imitates woman] - Ooh, wow. I love reading and being a desperate housewife.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
[With jamaican accent] Hey, man, coming through. I love de desperate housewives.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
[Snotty guy voice] I am dr. Doogie seacrest. I think i'm better than everyone else because i'm 40.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed troy
I am not 40. I can hear you through the window, morons.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Just pretend like you're asleep.




Community - 1x05 - Advanced Criminal Law.HDTV.FQM.en.srt

Speaker : dean
Listener : all
good morning, greendale community college. This is your dean reminding you That among your school's prestigious alumni Is mr. luis guzman, celebrated actor And model puerto-rican american. This friday, we will be dedicating a statue of guzman And unveiling our brand-new school song. So boy, i don't know about you, But this sure feels like a real college to me.
Speaker : deanbot
Listener : self
greendale, greendale, Greendale!


Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
ah! Jeff, Jeff. Good morning! How is student life, my dry-witted friend?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
probably the same as teacher life, But less tragic, because i get to leave.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
very dry. very witty. Not a great friend. Listen, i wanted to ask you about that young lady In your spanish class. You know, the blonde with the pouty, strident Cate blanchett sexuality and the ridiculous name?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
Britta?
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
that's it, that's it. Imagine living with that. can you imagine? Unbelievable. Anyway, are you two an item, and if so, Would that item be impervious to sabotage?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan
you know, you have the savoir faire of a hyena. How is it that you and james bond Come from the same island?
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
message received. I'll just wait for you to finish striking out first. cheers.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
Have a nice day.


Speaker : abed
Listener : duncan
m.a.s.h.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : abed
fawlty towers. game over.


Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
do you think luis guzman Will ever come to visit his statue? If so, i'd like to ask him about his movie choices, particularly carlito's way, the cowboy way, the hard way, and q&a.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
yeah, luis guzman is on a private jet from hollywood, Because he can't wait to have that conversation with you.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
really? how does he know about me?
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
because he called me on my cell phone.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
why would a movie actor call you?
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
you don't know?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
no.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
i'm president obama's nephew.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
you never mentioned that.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
i didn't know if i could trust you. But now it's time to tell you everything-- Starting with me inventing the ferrari.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
so...i guess the cell phone number You put on the study group's contact sheet was fake, Which i just learned in the awkward conclusion Of a month-long text message affair with a dude from boulder.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
sorry.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
that's okay. Just give me your real number. I'll cleanse my palate while kevin rethinks his marriage.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I'll give you my number if you promise not to use it In any other context than friendship.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
uh...pass.


Speaker : chang
Listener : all
silencio, por favor.
Speaker : chang
Listener : starburns
Star burns-- that means you.
Speaker : starburns
Listener : chang
my name's alex, dude.
Speaker : chang
Listener : starburns
well, maybe you should spend five hours Sculpting that in your face.
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
All right, last night i graded your tests. I'm sure you wanna know how you did, right?
Speaker : all
Listener : chang
yes, i would.
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
well, i'm not gonna tell you. Until i find out who did...this!
Speaker : shirley
Listener : chang
what is that?
Speaker : chang
Listener : shirley
it's a tiny piece of paper, okay? That's all it is. tiny piece of paper.
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
Containing all the information covered on the test. Otherwise known as a crib sheet. Who did it, huh?
Speaker : chang
Listener : annie
Marianne?
Speaker : chang
Listener : pierce
grandpa?
Speaker : chang
Listener : shirley
Jackee?
Speaker : chang
Listener : abed
Kumar?
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
There's one asian stereotype that does apply to me. Whoever did this insulted my honor. And they've got 24 hours to come forward, Or mr. miyagi here will wax off everyone's score and the whole class gets a cero!
Speaker : chang
Listener : extra
'cept you, toby.
Speaker : annie
Listener : group
you're right! it's so unfair. And i can't handle this kind of stress right now.


Speaker : troy
Listener : group
the only difference between senor chang and stalin Is that i know who senor chang is.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
did you hear him call me jackee Like i'm some black female caricature? If the good lord hadn't been watching, I'd have slapped him upside the head.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
who do you guys think cheated?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
flattering. But if i'm gonna cheat, I'm not gonna write information from a book Onto a piece of paper. That's practically learning, for god's sakes. Whoever made that crib sheet wasn't a real cheater. Just...insecure and naive.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
i may be naive, but i'm not stupid.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
well, i may be stupid, But i'm not trying to look like i'm not.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
well, i may be a genius, but i'm not a lesbian.
Speaker : britta
Listener : group
Who cares who made the crib sheet? The only real cheater Is the guy who's threatening everyone with a zero.
Speaker : annie
Listener : group
I'm already overwhelmed by my duties On the school song committee.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
are you a musician?
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
eew. no. i hired a local composer. But he's quite a handful.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
well, i guess that's your fault, isn't it?
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
it is?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
you've got an accomplished Pianist and songwriter sitting 3 feet away from you. I wrote the jingle For hawthorne wipe's moist towelettes. I would have done your song for free. Smooth move, metamucil.


Speaker : abed
Listener : group
troy could do the school song. Troy invited rap music, And he's related to danny glover and president obama.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
abed, have you been racist this whole time While i'm telling everybody at church What a sweet little caramel angel you are?
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
hey, man, that stuff i said this morning wasn't true. I was just messin' with you.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
you were lying?
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
yeah, as a joke. You've never had anybody mess with you before?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
yes. just kidding. no. like that? This isn't a table. Ha ha! that's funny.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
remember when we used to study spanish?


Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
pierce!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
yo.
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
i talked to the dean, And he said you can write greendale's school song.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
well, that's more like it.
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
you know the statue dedication is this friday. So you have to have it done by then.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
this friday? this friday?
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
if that's not enough time--
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
no, no, no! You really don't know much about genius, do you? Yes, i can do it by friday.
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
great! There's a piano in the rehearsal space, And i'll help you out however i can. You're gonna do an awesome job!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
i know!


Speaker : chang
Listener : all
so...this is the last chance For the cheater to be an adult and face la musica... Or everyone fails.
Speaker : annie
Listener : chang
no!
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
you got ten seconds... Starting now.
Speaker : annie
Listener : all
no! I've never... gotten a zero before.
Speaker : britta
Listener : chang
i did it.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Britta!
Speaker : chang
Listener : britta
well, you really took your sweet time with that one, baby.
Speaker : britta
Listener : chang
how dare you terrorize a class by threatening their grades. It's not that easy to get human beings to turn on each other.
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
turn on her!
Speaker : britta
Listener : all
ow! real mature!
Speaker : chang
Listener : britta
that's right. we are mature! Too mature to sit in a class With a cheating, lying poop-face!
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
Okay. time to learn some formal greetings.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
so... Wow.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
yeah, i bet you're enjoying this.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
yeah, well, when we first met, Like you were up here and i was here, and now... Oh, wait, i gave a quarter to a dirty bum today.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
what do you think they're gonna do to me?
Speaker : dean
Listener : britta
well, we're not gonna buy you an ice cream. Hi. dean pelton. What an entrance i got to make there. You would be Britta perry. I just spoke with senor chang, And i'm afraid greendale takes this kinda thing Very seriously.
Speaker : dean
Listener : all
much like a university would!
Speaker : dean
Listener : britta
Your case will be reviewed By a disciplinary tribunal tomorrow In borchart hall. You could be facing expulsion.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
isn't borchart hall the pool?
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
there is an olympic-sized pool there, yes,
Speaker : dean
Listener : all
But we will be next to it, using its $6,000 judge's table!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
uh, is she allowed to have counsel? I mean, i may not be a practicing lawyer anymore, But relative to this place, i'm alan dershowitz.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
oh, okay, ouch, and yes. If you'd like, you may represent her. Dean you later.


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
i'm not gonna sit while some hokey tribunal Gets its jollies judging me.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
hey, if you show up with me, follow my lead, And deny everything, you'll walk. That's the winger guarantee.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
i get it. You think you're gonna save my bacon Using your lawyer powers And send me into fits of grateful arousal.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
i can neither confirm nor deny that. See how good i am?


Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
hey, troy. did you hear? All dogs are blue now. Every single dog in the world is blue. I'm just messing with you.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
yeah, i know, but let me explain to you A few things about how this works. Uh, first of all, i cannot be got, Because i am not gullible like you. Secondly, you are not good at this, Because you are not believable in your face, okay? Your face? it's bad.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
okay.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
um, also... You gotta ride the line between believable and-- what are you writing in?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
it's a notepad.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
yeah, but what are-- what language?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
it's probably arabic.


Speaker : dean
Listener : all
all right, i am convening this disciplinary tribunal At our state-of-the-art judge's table, Which has its own built-in sound system, So take that yale. Our judges include myself, uh, dean craig pelton.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : all
professor ian duncan.
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
professor ben chang.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : chang
uh, no, you're a teacher. you're not a professor.
Speaker : chang
Listener : duncan
maybe because i don't look like ron weasley.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : chang
that's the difference. That's the qualifying factor. gentlemen, point of order.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : duncan dean chang
How can senor chang be one of the judges? He's the one accusing my client.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff duncan
yeah, well, you got prince charles over here, Who's your drinking buddy.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : chang
oh, got me.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
well, it sounds like there are two biases, One on each side, and i go both ways. Oh, let's strike that.
Speaker : dean
Listener : extra
Lashonda, can we please strike that?
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
I am impartial, so it should all work out. Okay. let's begin.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : chang
fine. the tribunal calls teacher chang.
Speaker : chang
Listener : duncan
okay, just keep it up frost/nixon.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : chang
i was planning on doing that. Cleared my whole day. Uh, mr. chang, could you remind us Of the events of yesterday?
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
with great pleasure. it was a tuesday, Uh, crack of dawn, 5:58 a.m. I got up, i took my morning deuce, I made a breakfast consisting of..


Speaker : pierce
Listener : self
* green-dale * * green-dale * * slop *  Mm, nah. * green * * gree--green * * greendale isn't a slop pail *
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
hi, almost done.
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
oh, good.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
you can tell the dean i'll have a song That'll make the devil poop god's pants.
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
that's exciting. Mind if i hear what you got so far?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
well, uh, yeah, sure. I, uh--i'll probably open with something like this. uh... You know, a note like that. And end with a note like that. Uh, the words, i can't tell you. You know, the rest is really a surprise.
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
i'm just a little worried. I keep hearing the same two notes, And your sheet music Looks like a chinese takeout menu.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
a musician sees music in everything, annie. I mean, it could be... * moo shoo pork * * squab with lettuce * * You see? i mean, it just comes out. You know what? you really shouldn't be here right now.
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
what?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
you are inside a throbbing, cosmic womb Of creativity, And when this baby starts kicking, I cannot be responsible for your sanity. i know it sounds funny, But let me play you out, okay? Playing you out now, this song. You know, like on stage? playing you out, okay? Thanks for coming. bye-bye.


Speaker : chang
Listener : all
and then she yelled, "screw you," Or, "screw education," or something like that, And then she stormed out of the room In her high-heel boots like it was tampon time... If you know what i mean.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : all
objection. i don't know what he means.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : jeff
please don't encourage him, winger. Do you have any more questions?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : all
the defense calls Britta perry.
Speaker : dean
Listener : britta
now, are those the high-heel boots He was talking about?
Speaker : britta
Listener : dean
yes.
Speaker : dean
Listener : britta
are they comfortable?
Speaker : britta
Listener : dean
yeah.
Speaker : dean
Listener : britta
i'm just curious. they're cute.
Speaker : britta
Listener : dean
thank you.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
miss perry... Did you make that crib sheet?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
no.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
she confessed!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
she confessed to protect her classmates, Because you were threatening to flunk everyone!
Speaker : duncan
Listener : chang
you did what?
Speaker : chang
Listener : duncan
oh, shut your pompous vortex of overlapping fangs!
Speaker : duncan
Listener : chang
hey, british dentistry is not on trial.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
dean pelton, i move this case Be thrown out of... The pool area!
Speaker : dean
Listener : all
well, it certainly--
Speaker : dean
Listener : all
Well, it certainly sounds to me That this young lady's only crime Is being a hero and wanting to be taller. This tribunal is adjourned.
Speaker : britta
Listener : all
wait! i cheated!
Speaker : dean
Listener : all
and we're back.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : all
objection. my client did not cheat.
Speaker : britta
Listener : all
yes, i did.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : all
yes, she did... But why? That's the real question, isn't it? The world wasn't the only thing that changed On september 11th.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Jeff, come on.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : all
five-minute recess?
Speaker : dean
Listener : all
no, no. there's nothing In the bylaws about recesses, all right? The wheels of justice here don't stop Just because you--aah! Time out! time out! Save the table! save the table!


Speaker : abed
Listener : self
Beginning transmission. The primary purpose seems to be male bonding, And the attitude during conveyance Of the random deceit is apparently of great importance. The humanoid is approximately 5'10" in height.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
what are you doing?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
oh, hey. troy. I didn't see you. Um, how long were you standing there?
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
you trying to mess with me?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
yes, that's what i was doing. You got me. I was just messing with you, but i guess i blew it again.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
yeah. You did.
Speaker : chang
Listener : duncan
man, don't turn your back on me.


Speaker : duncan
Listener : chang
it is on like donkey kong! Have you got a problem with me?
Speaker : chang
Listener : duncan
i don't like the fact that you're walking around here Like you're better than me in front of my students.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : chang
i'm sorry. do you mind if we have this conversation In a room with less balls?
Speaker : duncan
Listener : extra
You're very confident, i'll say that.
Speaker : chang
Listener : extra
but you shouldn't be.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
what are you doing out there?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
you know i have a problem with dishonesty.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
you're on trial for cheating! Fa--look, we'll be fine. I just have to go back out there And make the case that you're a good person--
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
you don't know that. You're just doing all of this 'cause you want to sleep with me I mean, you said it yourself. You don't even want to be my friend.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
wait a minute. Wait, is that what you thought i meant? Britta, look at me. Look at me!
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
i am.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
no, look how handsome my face is. If all i wanted was sex, I could get it from plenty of women Without having to go through all this crap. I'm here because i like you, And i--i'd be psyched to be your friend. I just didn't want to take sex off the table Without doing my due diligence.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
i actually believe you.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
well, why wouldn't you?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
i don't know. I guess...same reason that i cheated. I...just have more experience being worthless. I think i left that crib sheet on the floor Because i wanted to get caught. I'm so used to screwing everything up I just wanted to get it over with.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
wait. i think we have our defense.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : all
Gentlemen... My client is insane.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
what?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : all
gentlemen, i'm sure you suspected... That ms. perry was pretty odd before the recess. But if you could've heard all the stuff She just told me in the shower, You would realize she is all the way out Of her entire damn mind. She doesn't want to succeed Because she doesn't think she can. So she goes out of her way to fail. That's crazy! But... Do we really want to make it a crime To be crazy at greendale? I mean, look at us. I mean, you two are arguing about status at a college That correspondence schools make fun of. Dean, you want so bad for this place to be ivy league That you are putting us at risk of electrocution. Everyone on this campus is nuts.


Speaker : leonard
Listener : jeff
not me!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : leonard
oh, come on, leonard. If you're gonna argue with me, put on a bathing suit.
Speaker : leonard
Listener : jeff
busted.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : all
if you want to rehabilitate your fellow inmate, you need to sentence her to staying here with us. Because if crazy people can't be at greendale, Where are we supposed to go?
Speaker : duncan
Listener : all
Wow, well, under the circumstances I'll recommend that the accused Be fully exonerated. On the condition that she receives Psychological counseling on a weekly basis From a trained mental health professional. Thinking maybe fridays, nine-ish, something like that.
Speaker : duncan
Listener : dean chang
All in favor say "aye."
Speaker : dean
Listener : duncan
aye.
Speaker : chang
Listener : duncan
aye.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
yes!
Speaker : britta
Listener : duncan
wait, what?
Speaker : duncan
Listener : britta
that just happened.


Speaker : abedalien
Listener : abed
greetings, abed.
Speaker : abed
Listener : abedalien
greetings, commander.
Speaker : abedalien
Listener : abed
t-t-tell me about the one they call troy.
Speaker : abed
Listener : abedalien
well, he is rather arrogant And has no mercy for weaker beings.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
stop. stop doing this right now.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not an alien.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
i never thought you were. But this is insane, okay? Those are credible alien hand movements. You invented a whole language. I'm pretty sure you rented a green screen.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
yeah.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
it would be less creepy If you were actually an alien.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
this is what friends do.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
no. From now on, abed, friends don't mess with each other. okay?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
cool.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
cool?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
cool. bam bam!
Speaker : abed
Listener : garrett
garrett, it's over. he knows.
Speaker : abedalien
Listener : abed
we will stick things in his butt.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
you're getting a little sloppy.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
we went over-budget.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
mm.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : self
I've got it. * greendale, greendale little star-- * Oh!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
I'm a fraud, annie.
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
I'm no more of a songwriter than you or billy joel. but what about the hawthorne wipes jingle?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
oh, yeah, yeah, sure, the haw-- You want to hear it? here. * you'll be wiping off that ketchup * * with our wipes, hawthorne wipes! * * you'll be wiping off that mustard * * with our wipes at the picnic! *
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
that's she'll be coming around the mountain.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
i know! i steal everything. You backed the wrong horse. i got nothing.
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
pierce, you're musical. you're creative. You can do this. i believe in you.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
well, you shouldn't. i quit.
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
you listen up, pierce! I'm gonna tell you what my mother told me When i wanted to quit cheerleading. You're not very pretty, you have no boobs, And you can't do a basket toss to save your life, But you made a commitment. So pick up your pompoms, pierce, Stuff your bra, and get ready for the team bus To forget you at a taco bell, because life is tough. But we soldier on, And that's just the way it goes. gonna play myself out.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
the way it goes. That's it.


Speaker : dean
Listener : all
One, two, luis guzman! oh! oh, oh! You know, greendale may never be harvard


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
no problem. just glad you're here.


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
just don't talk to me for a while.


Speaker : dean
Listener : all
i'd like to introduce our student, pierce hawthorne, Who's written greendale its own school song.
Speaker : dean
Listener : pierce
Pierce, okay.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : dean
thank you, dean, thank you.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
This song goes out to annie.
Speaker : annie
Listener : self
oh.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
for believing in me. * standing in the bookstore line * * waiting for the bell to chime * * so you can go to class * * dancing in your underwear * * taking air conditioner repair *
Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
* greendale's the way it goes *
Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
* some things are still the same * * slop pails and pantyhose * * oh, annie believes in me *


Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
is this bruce hornsby?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
yep.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
does he know he stole it?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
i don't think so. let him enjoy it.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
can we get sued?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
not sure.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
yeah, they got us.


Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
How many?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
36, you win! Best of three
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Yeah!




Community - 1x06 - Football  Feminism and You.HDTV.en.srt

Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
a small fading remnant of a star.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
a white dwarf.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
that's right!
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
what does a star turn into after it collapses?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
a movie of the week.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
black hole.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
right! troy! you could be an astronomer.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
as far as i'm concerned, there's only one black hole worth studying. it's called sagittarius a, it's located in the center of our galaxy, and it has the density of 40 suns. just like my weiner.
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
ha ha. you said weiner. that's funny.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
pierce and troy didn't get along at first, but now they're bonding through mutual adolescence.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed
shut up, boo-boo head.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
will you shut up, fart head?


Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
i used a memory technique. dwarves hate being called midgets, and midgets are small.


Speaker : dean
Listener : group
hi, everybody. well, look at this group having some kind of meeting and being so diverse. there is just--boy! there is just one of every kind of you, isn't there?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : dean
well, we are missing a pipsqueak, but we don't want one, so beat it.
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
um, pierce, that's the dean.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
are you kidding?
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
mm-mm.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : dean
sorry. just my luck.
Speaker : dean
Listener : group
it's all right. don't let me interrupt. sometimes i just roll around campus like a little football. i can't believe this. here i am in a random conversation about football, and i'm talking to troy barnes, star quarterback from riverside high...whoa.
Speaker : dean
Listener : troy
troy, did you know that greendale has a football team?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
did you know they had a football?
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
ha. that's very funny.
Speaker : dean
Listener : troy
troy, i was so sorry to hear about your injury. but now that you have recovered, we would love for you to play for the human beings.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : dean
the team's name is the human beings?
Speaker : dean
Listener : shirley
yeah. my idea. it was the greendale grizzlies, but i thought that, um... well, a lot of these students have been called animals their whole lives. unfortunately, i don't know what to do about the mascot.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : dean
oh, i can help you with that, your honor. i have a wealth of experience in image management, icon development, and y2k preparedness.
Speaker : dean
Listener : pierce
well, aren't you found money
Speaker : dean
Listener : troy
troy, all of your friends are lining up to turn greendale around. how about you?
Speaker : annie
Listener : dean
troy isn't interested in football anymore. getting injured in that keg stand was the best thing that ever happened to him.
Speaker : dean
Listener : annie
whoa! yoko ono much?
Speaker : dean
Listener : troy
bros before hoes, troy.
Speaker : troy
Listener : dean
listen, man. no offense, but i was the best, and i finished on top. i wouldn't play for this school with a 10-foot pole.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
dean, i'm sure troy will sign up for football if and when some accident damages the part of his brain that feels pride. until then, would you excuse us?
Speaker : dean
Listener : troy
all right, well, uh... if you change your mind, the field is always open. oh, figuratively speaking. you know, wednesdays and sundays it's used as parking overflow for the mega-church. okay.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
now let's meet the minimum requirements for a language credit, shall we?


Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
yes, but i need to go to the bathroom first.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
uh, britta?
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
oh, no, i don't have to go.
Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley
i'll go with you.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
what? she's offended?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
girls go in groups. did you learn nothing from stand-up comedy in the '90s?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
i'm familiar with the concept. i'm just-- fine. if it's important to shirley, i'll go with her next time. i'm willing to try some more mainstream feminine stuff.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
well, then you should know that nothing says "i'm a woman" like doing it with me.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
nothing says, "i'm a pig" like you.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
will they or won't they? sexual tension.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
abed, it makes the group uncomfortable when you talk about us like we're characters in a show you're watching.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
well, that's sort of my gimmick. but we did lean on that pretty hard last week. i can lay low for an episode.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
you sure you made the right call on the football team, troy? it looks like they won something once. "most valued customer. henderson trophy cases."
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
so we should still study a little more astronomy later, right? maybe over some milky ways or some mars bars.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
or pancakes!


Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
"i'm jeff. and i'm a student at greendale." that's not good.


Speaker : extra
Listener : all
wood undergoes rapid oxidation because it reacts spontaneously to-- okay, guys, seriously, we've talked about this, okay? you have got to turn off your cell-- that's mine. my bad.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
i'm going to the bathroom. would you like to come with me?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
well, yes, yes, i would. oh, that's nice!
Speaker : extra
Listener : extra
okay, what's it called? antoni--an--hold on. does anyone have a pen? pen?
Speaker : extra
Listener : all
no one has a pen. why would you not bring a pen to class? idiot.
Speaker : extra
Listener : extra
no, you're not an idiot.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
i had my blinker on about five minutes, and this no-good, clearly bald but trying to hide it with a bandana loser swooped right in. i couldn't believe it.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
maybe he didn't see you.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
he saw me!
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
maybe he had his blinker on too.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
maybe. so you... got any family, britta?
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
yeah, whatever.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
think my mom might visit this weekend. she and i are gonna get makeovers at that spa--
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
makeovers. they sure have us programmed, right? i am a female pleasure unit. i require a new coat of paint.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
just something i thought might be fun.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
here's something i think might be fun. let's find out the number of makeup companies that are owned by women. i'll save you the trouble. it's zero. but of course you're saying, "britta, aren't you a hypocrite? "you're plastered with glitter and goo from head to toe, just like the rest of us." well, i also pay income tax and pull over for cops, but that doesn't mean i support--


Speaker : dean
Listener : pierce
thanks for offering to help design the new mascot. i, uh, have been a little stumped.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : dean
that's no problem. by the way, i took the liberty of thumbnailing a human being prototype which i modeled after da vinci's vitruvian man. the penis is a little small, i think.
Speaker : dean
Listener : pierce
oh, i think it's-- oh. okay. it...looks a lot like you. um, here's the thing. if we are the human beings, you know, and we have a mascot that's just a white guy, what message are we sending? our symbol needs to reflect the diversity of our school and our species.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : dean
so...black?
Speaker : dean
Listener : pierce
no. no, because we're not the greendale blacks, mr. hawthorne, or the greendale asians or any other creed. we are the greendale human beings.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce dean
sorry to disturb you guys... who are clearly looking at a naked drawing of pierce doing jumping jacks.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
dean, a quick download, please?
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
uh, absolutely.
Speaker : dean
Listener : pierce
excuse me.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : dean
okay. fill me in later.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : self
ah. whoa-oh. i'll go with a pencil.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
first of all...
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
mm-hmm.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
i'm flattered.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
oh, well. you're a very photogenic man. is that real bed head, or do you put something in there? can i? oh, it's crispy.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
i was thinking about the four disembodied heads, and i thought, where's the heart? where's the soul? where's the different poster design?
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
you know, i did think those were less than personable, which is why i went with the full bodies in these mailers we have going out.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
mailers? i didn't give permission for this.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
jeffrey, did you not read the release agreement on the back of your registration form? i'm starting to see why someone used to be a lawyer. ha ha! up top!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
if someone from the outside were to find-- okay, if someone from the outside were to find out that i am a student at a community college, that could have a negative impact on my future career.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
oh. goodness. look what we have stumbled onto-- an opportunity to help each other out. i suppose i wouldn't need this promotional campaign if i could announce to the press that troy barnes is playing football here.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
i think he's been pretty clear about declining that offer.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
i think if you said, "jump," he'd say, "how high?" if you said, "stop," he'd say, "hammertime." you starting to get what i mean?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
no. i need another example.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
you know, i didn't... realize before, but we should send those out to local businesses. hmm? law firms. lawyer... companies? legal... gatherings?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
are you trying to blackmail me?
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
i think so.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff dean
gentlemen... i present to you the greendale human being.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
that's a falcon with a gun. now it's a falcon with an erection.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
Hi Abed	
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
hi
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy annie
He's just laying low


Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Wait, are you going to the bathroom?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
uh, yes
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
I'll go with you
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
blue bird day to shred some pow. you know what? I'm good
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie troy
She probably just... you know... had to go number two


Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
Ok, what's the closest planet to Earth?
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Planet Hollywood
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
That's not the right answer, but it shows how fun the astronomy can be!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
Hey Troy, can I talk to you for a second?
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
We are studying, so Troy is busy
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Well the galaxy is not going anywhere, I'll bring him back


Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
Do you ever miss being a quarterback, Troy?
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
I miss being the best at something, miss having a coach I miss knowing what to think
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
You still know what to think, Troy
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
Oh good
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
For instance, after Dean talked about you playing football, you and I were thinking the same thing
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
That dude looks like Moby
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
You were thinking, what if Troy did play for Greendale You'd be surprised how many of your favorite football players got started at community college
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
Oh really? Name one
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
Who's your favorite player?
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
Me. Woah
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
Maybe you and I should checkout the Greendale Thunderdome
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
the dome arrives later. it comes with thunder. let me tell you a little secret about me, troy. every day on my way to school, i drive through downtown past the courthouse just to get a glimpse of the world that i once ruled. and i just wanna jump out of my car, run up the steps and... exploit the legal system for profit. but i can't. i'm locked out of my old kingdom. you're not. you see what i'm saying?
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
you're saying i could be a lawyer.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
i'm saying you're a football player! it's in your blood!
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
that's racist!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
your soul.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
that's racist.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
your eyes?
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
that's gay?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
that's homophobic.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
that's black.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
that's racist!
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
damn.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
when you played, you were a god. now you're not playing, and you're not. i'd tell you to do the math, but math isn't important. the only thing that's important is this.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
yeah, but annie said--
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
annie said that benjamin button was compelling. look, she's a smart girl, but sometimes she's just wrong.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : extra
85--go long!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
it's like a drug, isn't it? feel it, troy. throw it! the scoreboard lights up. there will be a scoreboard there. it's complete!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : extra
nice catch!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
the girls, the glory, the scouts, the career! it starts when you join this team.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
is that linebacker a pregnant woman?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
look, you can meet them later. but this decision has to be yours, t-bone. and this decision has to be yes.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
how did you know my nickname's t-bone?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
because you're a football player, and your name begins with "t." your name begins with "t."


Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
britta?
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
oh. are you finished? i mean, i have to go, but apparently, i failed yesterday's tryouts for the position of bathroom companion.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
oh, britta, i wasn't trying to hurt your feelings.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
you didn't hurt my feelings, shirley. i don't need to go to the bathroom with other people. i was just trying to throw you a bone because i like you.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
oh. you can keep that bone. listening to a story about a stranger pissing me off and taking the stranger's side? and then you can't talk about your own business, but you insinuate my mama's a robot because she and i want makeovers. that is the ladies' room, britta, a place where ladies go to share, listen, support each other and... discreetly eliminate waste. and i like you too. even like that you're a little hard. but if you can't learn to be soft in there, you need to pee alone.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
i've peed alone my whole life. women have always hated me. i don't even know how it started. maybe it was when i got boobs before everyb--
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
shh, shh, shh. not out here. in there.


Speaker : troy
Listener : extra
whoo! ha ha! troy, troy, the wonder boy! you dropped your books, poindexter. yeah!
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
troy, i've been waiting for an hour.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
it's all right, i'm worth it. * hip, hop, body don't stop *
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
troy. why are you doing a politically conservative high school shamefully outdated fight rap? have you been playing football?
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
threw the skin around a couple of times. still got it. eh...eh...eh...eh... doosh!
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
but you knew we had an astronomy test tomorrow.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
class blows. what i need to know about the universe is that i'm at the center of it.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
troy! stop! don't become this person again. this isn't the real you. this is the arrogant jock that totally ignored the only people that truly liked him for non-superficial reasons but weren't allowed to say anything because their parents are bigots! football is bad for you, troy.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
jeff said you'd say that.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
jeff...what now?
Speaker : troy
Listener : self
troy! troy, troy, troy. that's my name.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : dean
i think if we add in a little bit of phylicia rashad we'll be in better shape.
Speaker : dean
Listener : pierce
yeah, you're right. that beige is a little light.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean pierce
wow.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
yeah. yeah. we are developing the perfect mascot. no stereotypical identifiers from any race or gender.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
see, jeff, this is a chart of the features we're staying away from-- pan-asian eye folds, irish chins, women's breasts.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean pierce
is that seal?
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
that is our human color wheel. it goes from seal to seal's teeth. what do you think?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
i think not being racist is the new racism.
Speaker : dean
Listener : pierce
whoa, whoa, whoa-- what happened to the prototype?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : dean
ooh! i left the nose in the kiln.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
so...troy is gonna play football.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
yes!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
which means i'll be getting rid of these.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
no. i won't mail these out, but they are staying with me until the press announces that troy is a part of the team. and i want him at that pep rally tonight. reporters are gonna be there. we're gonna unveil the new mascot. and things are finally going to start turning around. oh, and...my ex-therapist is gonna think twice before he makes fun of my job!


Speaker : pierce
Listener : dean
here it is. still hot.
Speaker : dean
Listener : pierce
ooh. ow.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : dean
oh, dean, i'm gonna get some more coffee. you want anything?
Speaker : dean
Listener : pierce
oh, yeah, a desmond tutu with just enough cream to make it a lou diamond phillips.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : dean
la bamba. got it.


Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
i've been following you. how much did the dean pay you to make troy play football?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
i'm not having a conversation with someone who emerges from a bush.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
because i'm right?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
no. because i'm not in a commercial for breakfast cereal. look...the dean has pictures of me, okay? horrible pictures of me... attending his school.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
and for that you'd convince troy to flush his life down football's toilet again? britta's right, you are the most selfish person alive! and all that is gonna end right now. because i'm telling him what kind of friend you really are.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
maybe you should tell him you're hopelessly in love with him. high school must have been tough, huh? waiting for a superstar to notice you. but here...here... he's all alone, and he needs so much help! did you enroll in all of his classes, or were you worried that might freak him out? the important thing is that you are there for him. the important thing is that you are the only one there for him. and you don't really care what he wants... just as long as you don't have to share him with the rest of the world. because, really, you are just as selfish as i am. you're just not as good at it yet.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
you're right. i could never be as good as you. probably because i actually care.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
profound, but technically meaningless. and don't bother trying that thing that women do where they walk away and make the guy feel like crap, because it won't happen! yeah!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
damn it.


Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley
shirley, will you please come to the bathroom with me?
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
where's shirley?
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
shirley's not coming. but i'm here... to listen...girl.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
why do we inflict so much pain on ourselves for men?
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
i don't-- know...sweetie. maybe...it's because men make the world go round? kleenex?
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
i've been... infatuated with troy. now he's joining football. now he'll have his pick of the litter and... i'll never get to be with him!
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
oh, annie, screw him! there are guys out there that would kill to be with you. and if troy isn't one of them, that's him failing your standards. you got that?
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
you're right. i can't control him. and if i truly cared about him, i wouldn't want to. thanks for talking to me, britta. it really helped.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
seriously?
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
yes.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
who's my girl?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
'scuse me!
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
i did it, i did it!
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
oh, yes, you did!


Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
troy! troy! don't go in there, man.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
what?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
you got the most you were ever gonna get out of football in high school. a life of disillusionment and depression begins on the other side of that door.
Speaker : extra
Listener : jeff
hey, man...is this your first pep rally or something?
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
you told me football was the most important thing in the world.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
well, buckle up, troy. i was exaggerating. it's kinda my gimmick. let me tell you something--
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
no, let me tell you something. you know that keg flip that cost me my scholarship?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
yeah.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
i hurt myself on purpose.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
what?
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
there was a scout coming to the final game at riverside and...i couldn't take the pressure, so i took the easy way out. but when you showed me that field, i saw there was nothing to worry about here. i could just play football for the fun of it. i mean, have you seen these guys? there is nowhere to go but up.
Speaker : extra
Listener : troy
dude, we have feelings.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
i don't know about you, but i know i ended up here because things weren't that great out there. you should try accepting where you're at, man. take a pottery class or something.
Speaker : troy
Listener : all
greendale, we're number one! nancy pelosi is no fun!


Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
hey.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
hey. i've decided to support troy. they deploy things in football, right? i went for rhyme over clarity.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
look, i'm, uh...i'm really sorry about before. i just think we were both wrong.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
really? because i'm an 18-year-old girl, and you made me cry in public.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
mm. okay, maybe i was a little more wrong. i should grow up and make peace with being here. i mean, it's not like greendale's gonna kill me or anything.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : humanbeing
holy crap!
Speaker : annie
Listener : humanbeing
aah!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff annie
oh, sorry. hey, say hello to our ethnically neutral mascot-- the greendale human being. the costume makes it difficult for him to see.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff annie
he can't move his mouth either. but take it from me, that's human for "hello."
Speaker : dean
Listener : humanbeing
let's get you into the pep rally!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : humanbeing
great idea. let's do it!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : dean
we've solved racism. what's next?
Speaker : dean
Listener : pierce
uh, let's do something for little people. ooh! or albinos!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : dean
little albinos.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
this has the potential to be a uniquely greendale experience. milady.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
milord.




Community - 1x07 - Introduction to Statistics.HDTV.FQM.en.srt

Speaker : chang
Listener : all
As you know, all faculty at greendale are required to give extra credit to students who organizes academic related events during what would otherwise be known as 'free time' No student in any department has ever exercised this option, until now.
Speaker : annie
Listener : all
Tonight, in the library, I will be hosting a "dia de los muertos" party. Dia de los muertos, or day of the dead, is sometimes refered to as mexican Halloween
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
which is actually quite offensive to people familiar with mexican halloween as sexual position. At any rate, if you show up, you get extra credit. For me, I don't even get paid. See you tonight. In Espanol, Esta Noche
Speaker : annie
Listener : all
Um, most of you have responded to my e-vite, but some of you remain evasive, so...
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
Oo, count me in. This is my first college party. I got some tequila and just rented Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj. And look


Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Shirley, you took off your wedding ring
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta annie
Yeah, my husband has been gone for 6 months so I think it's time for me to embrace being single
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
Message received
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff pierce
Um, still waiting to hear back from Jeff and Pierce
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
Oh, I thought I shouted you the response from the phone here. Access email
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Are you not going to Annie's party?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Oh, I have a conflict. It conflicts the enjoyment of my life
Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
I cannot figure out the voice command part of this thing. It's like my mother
Speaker : phone
Listener : pierce
Calling Mother
Speaker : pierce
Listener : self
What?


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Speaking of enjoying a life, I don't want to beat a dead horse here, but are you sure you don't see anything not platonic ever crystalizing between us?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I'm sure
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
OK, good. Because one of my professors is really hot, and I wanted to give you the first ride of defussal


Speaker : piercemom
Listener : pierce
Hello, Pierce?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : piercemom
Mom?
Speaker : piercemom
Listener : pierce
How's school going? Are you popular?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : piercemom
ha... I'm going through a tunnel right now. I.. ca... ha..


Speaker : slater
Listener : all
The Bernoulli distribution is the number of successes in a sequence of independent yes-no experiments. Okay. Uh, for the Quiz Monday, brush up on chapters three and four.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Bernoulli's one of my favorites. Little-known fact, statistics were not his only love. He's also famous for his French sauce used on meat and poultry.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
That's Bearnaise.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Oh, we may need to settle this at a restaurant.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
It's cute. A little aggressive, but as a busy, confident woman of authority, I'm attracted to men who take charge.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Are you being sarcastic, or am I nailing it?
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
You were nailing it, until you had to ask.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Oh, damn it. Starting over. Hey, you in the skirt, date me.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
I'd like to, Mr. Winger. You're tall, you dress nice, and I've graded enough of your tests to know I'd never feel mentally inadequate.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Thank you.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
Only problem, I don't date students.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
You know if you agree to go out with me...


Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley britta
Oh, hey. Awkward. How small is this campus?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Bastard.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
It's fine. I don't care.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
It's disgusting the way men behave. Did you ever see that Katherine Heigl movie poster where Gerard Butler had that heart over his weiner? That resonated with me.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Okay, fine. But just to repeat, I don't care what Jeff does.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Bastard.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
I'm barely a student. I'm older than you. I drive a Lexus. I saw "Ghost Busters" in the theater. Look, my gums are receding.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
It's uncanny how many of my buttons you're finding, but I have a personal rule about this, and I stick to it.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Have a cup of coffee with me. I bet I can change your mind.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
Oh, I know you can. That's why you're not getting the chance.
Speaker : leonard
Listener : jeff
Ooh, whoo.


Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
Are you coming to my Dias de los Muertos party?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
I'm definitely gonna try to swing by.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
Then I can mark you down as definitely being there from 7:00 sharp till upside-down Spanish question mark?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Here's the thing...
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
No, here's the thing. I am putting my foot down. You understand? I am being assertive, and I am making eye contact, and it is achieving results.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Are you trying to get formidable with me?
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
It worked on Pierce.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Infomercials work on Pierce.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
Jeff, you're the cool guy, okay?
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
If you show up, it'll be the first party I host where everyone doesn't say they need to get home in time for the news.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
This won't work. The last time you did this, I saved a vial of your tears and have been slowly building up an immunity.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
I was so unpopular in high school, the crossing guard used to lure me into traffic. This party is a second chance to be... Hip. Cool! Laidback!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Look, I will come to your party.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
Thank you. I'm putting you down for two bags of ice and a sleeve of paper cups.


Speaker : abed
Listener : pierce
Taking a pill?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed
Yes, I am.
Speaker : abed
Listener : pierce
Xenolovaden. My grandpa took that when he was around your age.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed
Fantastic.
Speaker : abed
Listener : pierce
But by the time grandpa got up in years, his memory wasn't great. He'd mix the wrong pills. You know how old people are?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed
Heard stories about it, yeah.
Speaker : abed
Listener : pierce
One time he started hallucinating and ran down the street with no pants on. Which in the Gaza Strip is considered a real party foul, so you should probably be careful...
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed
Look, I really don't need your advice, and I'm not your pantsless grandpa.
Speaker : troy
Listener : self
Pantsless grandpa.


Speaker : annie
Listener : extra
Hola!
Speaker : annie
Listener : extra
Scary.
Speaker : annie
Listener : extra
Oh, cute! Cute.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Oh, Britta. You look adorable.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
Thank you. I hate when women use Halloween as an excuse to dress up like sluts, you know?
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Yeah.


Speaker : annie
Listener : all
Okay, everyone. I think we can begin. I've got everyone's personalized cookie tombstones, por tradicion, and in a few minutes, we're going to start the dance of the dead... La danza de los muertos.
Speaker : chang
Listener : annie
You don't have to keep doing that!
Speaker : annie
Listener : all
Party on.


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
It's nice of you to be here. Sure you'd rather be out with your hot professor.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Well, it's funny, I enrolled here as selfish loner, but you and the group have given me a crash course in friendship.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
She blew you off, huh?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
She's grading papers.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
Professor Slater? She's not grading papers. She's at the faculty party in the cafeteria.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
Oh, look, it's the eavesdropping matador.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
Are you saying my people are sneaky?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
What?


Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
There's a storm building on the horizon, but you and I will save the night. Chex mix, pretzels, baby carrots, predictable but appetizing.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Hey.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Hey.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Can I ask you something I always wanted to ask the real Batman?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Yeah.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Am I good looking?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
You're a very attractive young man.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
I knew it.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
Let's get this party started!
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
Who are you?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
I am the Beastmaster. From the movie Beastmaster. What rock have you been living under?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
What are you going as? A gay douchebag? Just kidding.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Nice one. I'm not much of a costume guy.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
I know, you're not much of a liking the ladies guy either, huh? Oop. Body blow. Is that liquor?


Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff britta
Hello. Here's your drinks, mates.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Oh, thanks, Urkel.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
I'm Harry Potter.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Really?
Speaker : chang
Listener : shirley
What up, Urkel?


Speaker : starburns
Listener : pierce
Hey.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : self
Oh...
Speaker : starburns
Listener : pierce
All right. What are you taking?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : starburns
You know, the usual cool stuff. I've got 'ludes, uh, dreamers... Johnny boys.
Speaker : starburns
Listener : pierce
Tell you what. I'll trade you one of mine for two of yours. Hmm?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : starburns
I don't know, Starburns. I'm...
Speaker : starburns
Listener : pierce
Oh, sorry. I thought I was dealing with the Beastmaster.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : starburns
Hey, hey, who said you weren't? Saddle up, fruit pie.
Speaker : starburns
Listener : pierce
I don't mind if I do, may I?


Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
Here. take this. Give anyone that shows up their stupid credit.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
You going to the faculty party? Make me your plus one.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
Ah, give it up, Winger. Professor Slater doesn't date students. Or married Asians who drive Mopeds.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
Give you 20 bucks.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
I'll bring the hog around.


Speaker : annie
Listener : all
Okay, it's time for the "dance of the dead". Everyone form a circle. Lights. Music.
Speaker : abed
Listener : annie
Is it under genre or on a specific playlist?


Speaker : pierce
Listener : starburns
Hey, uh, man? What'd you slip me? I keep grinding my teeth, and I want to kiss everybody.
Speaker : starburns
Listener : pierce
What'd you slip me, man? My heart stopped racing, and I can't pee.


Speaker : annie
Listener : all
Now for the first dance, I'd like to invite a very special guest to the floor. Jeff Winger? Jeff? Where's Jeff?
Speaker : starburns
Listener : all
Is Jeff gone? You know, I'm gonna go. I don't want to miss the news.
Speaker : annie
Listener : self
News!
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
He just stepped out. He's gonna be right back.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
He's going to the faculty party.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
To be with professor "short skirt"? We hate her.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
No, it's not about her, Shirley. I can't believe that Jeff would do this to Annie.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Yes, absolutely. It's about Annie. We should go find that bitch's car and snap off her antenna.
Speaker : annie
Listener : self
It's like high school all over again. Everyone's leaving.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
Not me. I could do this all night. I love you


Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
Please slow down, please
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
Stop crying, Winger
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
Watch it!


Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
There you go, pretty lady.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
What are you doing here?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Showing you my non-student side.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
I have to admit, this outfit's doing it for me. I may or may not have been deflowered by a junior rodeo champion.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
You're reminding me of my first time too.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
You lost your virginity to Robin Hood?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
No, with an attractive woman at a party. We seem destined to repeat history.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
I told you no students. It's unseemly. I go out with you, you tell your friends, it gets around the school...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
What friends? I have no friends. I hate everyone here but you.


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Hey.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
What are you doing here?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
What are you doing here? You should be over at the library with Annie... Whoa. Yippy ki yay. Thought you weren't a costume guy.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
You had to have one to get in here, Squirrel.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Oh, so where did you get it? 'Cause I wouldn't think that any costume stores would be open this late.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
I don't know what you're getting at.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I think the words that you're looking for are "I own a cowboy outfit." And it is tight too. Did you buy it like that? Your toy gun to my head, I'd say yes.
Speaker : slater
Listener : britta
Hi. Michelle Slater, PHD.
Speaker : britta
Listener : slater
Britta Perry, GED.
Speaker : slater
Listener : britta
Oh, are you a classmate of Jeff's?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Oh, well, when you say "classmate", It sounds like we take naps together and eat paste, but what's great about community colleges is that a lot of the students are just as mature as the teachers.


Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Jeff, you must return to Annie's party. She's feeling unpopular.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
Jeff, Pierce took something, and he is tripping balls. He is touching people and dancing weird. it's like grumpy old men but not hilarious.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy abed britta
Okay, uh, guys? I'm at a grownup Halloween party, all right? You're all being unseemly.
Speaker : abed
Listener : self
Oh, no.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
How are we unseemly?
Speaker : dean
Listener : all
Why is Urkel ripping the antenna off professor Slater's car?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : slater
That's right, professor Slim Calves. This is what you get when you steal Jeff from a good woman!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : self
No, Abed!
Speaker : slater
Listener : all
Is he meowing?
Speaker : abed
Listener : slater
Yeah.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
Enough. I want you guys out of here.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Britta, I don't care about your high school soap opera.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Abed, you're not Batman.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Pierce. Pierce. Pierce. Stop grinding on the women's studies department. You are too old to be tripping.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
I'm old? What do you mean old? Whose hands are these? Help me!
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Way to go. I know I'm not Batman. You could try not being a jerk.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
She's pretty hot.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Well, where were we, little doggie?
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
Unseemly.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Yeah. Crap.


Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Shirley? Shirley!
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
This is professor Robin Hood's office.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
So what are you doing?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
I'm putting this hose in her desk, and you going outside to turn the water on.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Why?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
To teach that long-neck weave-having bank teller she can't steal another woman's man! That's why. I have a confession to make. I think some of what I just said may have more to do with my situation.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Yeah, the long-neck, weave-having bank teller didn't feel universal.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
My ex-husband came by this morning, and he, uh, he asked for his ring back. It was his mother's, and he wants to give it to his new girlfriend.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Shirley, that sucks.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Don't get me wrong. Best thing ever happened to me was him leaving. I just... I always thought he'd come crawling back, and I'd get to tell him, "go to hell." He couldn't even give me that. You know what the crazy thing is, Britta?
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Everything you've done tonight?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
It's like I was too proud to admit I was hurt, so I had to pretend that you were.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
I totally get that.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
I feel better now.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Let's go check on Annie.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Can you believe I targeted this poor lady? Look at all these awards. I bet she's nice.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Yeah.
Speaker : britta
Listener : self
Nice and pretentious.


Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
Pierce? Pierce, are you okay?
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
Hey, man, what's going on? You have a full-on erection. Just rela... Just relax.
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
Pierce, relax. Just relax, okay? Pierce!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
You are too old to be tripping!
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
Pierce...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
You are too old to be tripping.
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
Tell me about the Beatles, Pierce. Tell me about Woodstock and Sputnik, Pierce.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
Gee, do I feel a breeze here? Because someone just struck out.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
She blew you off too, Chang.


Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
Is that what you had to fall back on? Look at me, bro. Look at me. I've got the body of a fifth grader, okay? If I was working with what you've got, she'd be at the comfort inn right now giving me a Mexican Halloween.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
It's this campus. It feeds on my coolness. I... I got no moves anymore.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
Moves? Everything's a game to guys like you. I know one move I bet you've never tried in your life.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
What is it?


Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Please sleep with me. Please. Pretty please. I'm so lonely. I haven't slept with anyone in a very long time, and you are so good looking. Please do me the favor of having sex with me.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
Okay, stay three steps behind and promise you won't tell anybody.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
I promise. I promise.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
Everybody, stay out of the library.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
Pierce, it's okay. Come out of there.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
No, I'm not ready to die!
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
Pierce, you're not gonna die! Look at me!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Just... Just keep walking. Don't make eye contact.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
Jeff. Jeff! Jeff. Pierce is freaking out. You're the only one that can help.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
What makes you think that?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
Is Jeff out there? He's the only one who can help.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
He says he's gonna kill himself, but he doesn't want us to call 911, because he doesn't want to get in trouble for taking drugs.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
I can't believe I'm doing this.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
I, uh... I think I have to say goodnight.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
Are you, like, a court-appointed guardian for these people?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Uh, no. Um, they're my classmates.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
Goodnight, Jeff.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
Loser!


Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
What in the Pink Floyd?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
I'm gonna crush myself to death with desks and tables, Jeff!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Is that a death befitting a Beastmaster?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
I never saw Beastmaster. I just wanted to be cool.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
I'm coming in there, Pierce.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Those floating Mexican skeletons were right. My life is over.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Well, when we go to floating skeletons with our problems, we get what we pay for, don't we?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
I'm old, Jeff.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Pierce, I don't know how you spent the first 60 years, but I know in the last two months you've probably doubled the national average for amount of life lived per lifetime.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
well, I do have a young, African-American friend.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Yeah. And, more importantly, you're dressed like a gladiator in a desk fort that you built during a bad trip. If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive, you're a hero to everything that's ever lived.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Yeah?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Yeah.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Yeah!


Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Batman?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Yeah?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Are you staying for the party?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
If I stay, there can be no party.
Speaker : abed
Listener : self
I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant. Wherever a party needs to be saved, I'm there. Wherever there are masks, wherever there's tomfoolery and joy, I'm there. But sometimes I'm not, 'cause I'm out in the night, staying vigilant, watching, lurking, running, jumping, hurtling, sleeping... No, I can't sleep. You sleep. I'm awake. I don't sleep. I don't blink. Am I a bird? No. I'm a bat. I am Batman. Or am I? Yes, I am Batman. Happy Halloween.


Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
I'm Batman.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
You sound like cookie monster.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
I'm Batman.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
That's Batman.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Candy corn looks like tiny traffic cones.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Yeah, it sure does.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
At, like, a candy traffic school. Like, a little gingerbread man at the wheel, and he's drunk.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Look out.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
You'd be driving, But you keep wanting to eat yourself.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
All day.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
That's one of my biggest fears.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
What is?
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
If I ever, like, woke up as a donut.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
You would eat yourself?
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
I wouldn't even question it.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
That'd be tasty.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
It's cool to know other people think about this stuff too.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Yeah.




Community - 1x08 - Home Economics.HDTV.LOL.en.srt

Speaker : chang
Listener : all
So from now on, we'll refer to each other by our Spanish nombres. It will be...
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
Buenos dias, Winger.
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
Class dismissed.


Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Look, I'm Annie's backpack.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
Stop it, Troy.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Say there are two friends and they're in the same class and one wants to ask the other one out on a date. Like a grown-up date, but within biking distance of his parents' house.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
They could do something on campus. Tomorrow there's a picnic with live music on the East lawn. They're calling it "A night under the stars".
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Cool. I bet Randi would love that type of thing.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
Randi? I thought...
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
You thought... Can't believe I misled you like that. Listen... Randi can be the name of a guy or a girl. And in this case, it is definitely a girl. Thanks for your help.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
You're welcome. And I hate you. And I want to have your children.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : self
Damn, I picked the wrong couple to follow out of class this morning. Jeff and Britta are dead air.


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Are you okay? It looks like you have actual bed head this morning.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
In fashion, I'm what's known as a tastemaker.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
And you missed an entire side of your face shaving.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
And next month, so will Gwen Stefani. Here comes Vaughn. Bye.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Crap.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
Vaughn? The guy with the tiny nipples you did it with.


Speaker : britta
Listener : vaughn
Hi, Vaughn. Can we talk sometime? I'm sorry about how things ended.
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : britta
I'm sorry I can't accept your apology 'cause you're toxic, Britta. You're like the exact opposite of an antioxidant. I got band practice. Lates.
Speaker : britta
Listener : vaughn
Can't we still be friends? And isn't the word "later" already short enough?


Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
Let me talk to him for you. Man-to-man is better. We won't think about our chubby thighs or whether or not we can have babies.
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
Don't talk to Vaughn.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
Your hormones are clouding your...
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
Don't talk to Vaughn.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : self
That is "girl" for "talk to Vaughn".
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
Brittles, I forgot to tell you, I went and talked to Vaughn. The bad news is I could not patch up things between you. You really did a number on him. Good news is I'm the new keyboardist in his band.
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
So I asked you not to talk to him and you completely ignored me.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
You're missing the headline. I'm in a rock band!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
I'd like to be there when the band finds out.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
You sure you don't want a piece of that?
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
What is he doing?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
I know exactly what he's doing. My ex-husband spent four weeks doing that after his "innocent mistake" of calling me Valerie. That boy's living in his car.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
I lived in my car for a stretch in the '70s. Nothing like bedding a woman on the vinyl backseat of a Skylark. Of course, we didn't have the same safety standards back then so... No condoms. I tell you, before aids, sex was like shaking hands.
Speaker : abed
Listener : pierce
Hence aids.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Hi Jeff. We were just talking about how in today's economy...
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Living in your car. You are living in your car. I'm sorry, I'm not good at being coy.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley britta
I'm not living in my car. I'm just sleeping in it for a couple of days while I work at some problems with my condo. It's a very temporary issue. I've got to pay some meaningless fees and then they'll put my locks back on the door and that'll be that.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
How you'll get the money?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Believe me, kitten, Winger's got moves.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Do you need a place to stay?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
I'd offer but my dad's kind of racist.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Stay with me. My room has a bunk bed, which is a misnomer because it's the real deal.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
The next person that offers me charity or pity will be mentioned by name in my suicide note.


Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Annie. Annie. Thanks for your advice about "a night under the stars".
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
Of course. Anytime. Ever.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
I got to figure out what to bring to the picnic. This is my first college girl so I really want to impress her. Would you mind helping me shop for this stuff?
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
I'd love to.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Really? Thanks. Later.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Wanna see my place?
Speaker : britta	jeff
Listener : self
I can see it. Two girls are making out on the hood.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
No, my real place. The condo board's trying to bluff me by listing my place as available. Look at those faucets. Handcrafted in Italy. 100% expensive.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Those faucets are beautiful. You know what they would go great with: a home, which you no longer have. You need to move on with your life.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Yeah. Move on with my life. "Shmove shmon shmith shmy shmife. " This condo is all that's left of me. Every part of it is a part of who I am.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Is that a bidet?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
That part's for resale value. And Saturday afternoons.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
You know, downgrading your lifestyle is your chance to grow as a person. Maybe even become one. The less you have, the more you can be. You know what I'm saying?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
There's a silver lining here, isn't there? You're attracted to bums.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Good night.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Come on. Why don't you have dinner at my place? I got a hot plate that plugs into a cigarette lighter.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Yeah, but your kitchen's being towed.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Stop! That's my house!


Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Can I live with you?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Yeah. Cool. You want the top or the bottom bunk?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Top.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Me too. Race you for it I win.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : extra
Look, I really need to liquidate some assets. It's an emergency situation. What kind of an offer is that? These are mint condition issues. The premise alone is priceless. The guy has the powers and strength of a spider. No, your incredulity perplexes me, nerd.


Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Jeff, did I say anything in my sleep about farm animals or Brian Williams?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
I don't think so.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Cool. Cool cool cool. Lucky charms?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
How are you so satisfied all the time? Don't you ever want anything more out of life than cereal?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Sometimes I like to pour hot cocoa mix into cold milk and drink like it like a cold hot chocolate. I call it "special drink".
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
And some day you will know it by its true name, "diabetes. "
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
You're Goldie Hawn, Jeff.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
I'm sorry?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
You're Goldie Hawn.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Is it the lips?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
No. In overboard, she was just like you. Wealthy, assertive, arrogant. Got manicures all the time. But she fell off her boat, good thing for her because, she realized she was happier being poor and rising four boys with Kurt Russell.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Can I not be Kurt Russell?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Do whatever you want. You just have to know what that is. For me, it's Lucky Charms... and tv.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
I could use a break.


Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
A picnic blanket. Genius. I was gonna lay down on newspaper.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
It's the blanket my grandmother used to court my grandfather.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Yeah? That's pretty hot. Thanks.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
Tell that boy how you feel!
Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley
It's scary. If he's not interested, I could lose the friendship too.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
You could. Love is a gamble always. But waiting won't change the dice. You either roll them or lose your turn.
Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley
I'm going to roll them. I am. I just... I need a few more shakes.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
Shake 'em in your mind, okay? Excuse me, Pierce's band is playing and I want to record the train wreck. Kind of hoping for a Michael Richards situation.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Oh! They're pretty good. This isn't weird for you?
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
No. Just want to show Vaughn some support to help smooth things over.


Speaker : vaughn
Listener : all
Saying good-bye to Britta was the hardest thing to do. But when someone's a bitch and a liar, there ain't nothing left to woo. I'm getting rid of Britta. What am I doing?	 I'm getting rid of the b.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
She's a no-good b.
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : all
I'm getting rid of Britta, I'm getting rid of the b.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
She's a gdb.


Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Really great to have somebody to watch stuff with. My dad never wanted to watch anything so I was kind of raised by tv.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Tv's the best dad there is. Tv never came home drunk. Tv never forgot me at the zoo. Tv never abused and insulted me, unless you count Cop Rock.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Cop Rock. That sounds cool.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Doesn't it?


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Wow, you guys are really dorming it up in here, huh?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
In the last two days, I spent a quarter.
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
We're having the time of our lives.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
See? Who needs platinum faucets? Do you guys even have faucets in here?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
There's a communal bathroom down the hallway. It actually helped me come to terms with losing my condo. You don't sit on a toilet like that until you've left the material world.
Speaker : abed
Listener : pavel
Pavel!
Speaker : pavel
Listener : jeff abed
Hey, bros.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
This is Pavel. He lives next door. He's from Poland.
Speaker : abed
Listener : pavel
Britta
Speaker : pavel
Listener : jeff abed
Britta! I'm getting rid of Britta, getting rid of the b.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff abed
Excuse me, I have a future murder victim to visit.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Cool.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Cool.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Cool cool cool.


Speaker : britta
Listener : vaughn pierce
Guys, what the hell! "Getting rid of Britta"? That song was disrespectful to me and to the definition of "rhyme scheme".
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : britta
If you don't like my song, you don't have to listen, all right? I'm an artist and I write what I feel. And I feel that you suck.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : vaughn
All right, hold on here. Can I have a word with you? Could you come here, please, for a second? What'd you say?
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : pierce
I know Britta's your friend, but my song is more important.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : vaughn
Your song. We wrote it together. Are you trying to Garfunkel me?
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : pierce
Maybe. Assuming to "Garfunkel" someone is to keep putting up with them even though they're a fat, lazy cat who hogs the spotlight and eats lasagna.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : vaughn
I get it. You're jealous.
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : pierce
What? Why?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : vaughn
I don't know. Because when I were these skinny jeans, my ass looks like a baby pumpkin. Or because I'm not a small-nippled, credit-hogging jag who only knows three power cords.
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : pierce
My band, my song! You want that? How you like that?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : vaughn
You get on that horse.


Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
Did you just defend my honor?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
Oh, yeah, totally.


Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
And you'll light the candles. And you'll take a bite. And she'll take a bite. And you'll laugh. And you'll offer her your letter jacket after you notice this funny way she shakes when she gets cold. And she'll feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Right. I couldn't have done this without your help. You're really nice. We should've hung out more in high school.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
Remember when you pretended to be my backpack?
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Oh ho, yeah. yeah.I'm funny. All right. I got to go get ready.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
Troy, wait! I have to tell you... My appendix is bursting.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
What?
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
My appendix is bursting.


Speaker : nurse
Listener : troy annie
Okay. Two young students. Think I've been to this dance before. You guys are sexual partners, right?
Speaker : annie
Listener : nurse
Us? No. He's my very good friend. And I have appendicitis.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
Thanks for bringing me here. Guess I ruined your date, huh?
Speaker : nurse
Listener : annie
Doesn't seem to be anything wrong with you.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Cool. I'll see you.
Speaker : nurse
Listener : annie
Where does it hurt?
Speaker : annie
Listener : nurse
Everywhere.
Speaker : nurse
Listener : annie
Okay, we have to quarantine you. We got to get you to a safe distance.
Speaker : troy
Listener : nurse
My date's on the east lawn.
Speaker : nurse
Listener : troy
East lawn. Perfect. This a date? You'll need these.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Nice. I'll be thinking of you.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
Okay, I need to go.
Speaker : nurse
Listener : annie
No, we... We have to observe you overnight. It's policy. We don't want another "Vanessa Parsons" on our hand. She was the "typhoid mary" of herpes. I'm kind of the hawkeye around here so it's kind of a... Are you seeing anybody?


Speaker : britta
Listener : abed jeff
You guys weren't in spanish class.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Knight Rider marathon.
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
Shadowy flight into the world of a man who does not exist. Britta, may I have a word?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : extra
Has this always been here?
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
No.


Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
You need to take Jeff back.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
Never had him. Don't want him. Especially now. He's got a real Phil Spector vibe going.
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
He's like E.T. He crashed in my place. And we're friends now, it's great for me, but it's bad for him. He needs to get back.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
What am I supposed to do about that?
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
Use your lady parts.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
Abed!
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
Don't be naive. The charge between you was keeping him going. Tell him you'll make love to him if he takes a shower and finds a nice place to live.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
I'm heading back. Pavel's making babka.
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
Do it. Seduce him. Draw the tapeworm of Jeff out of him with your sexuality.
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
Then say good-bye to E.T.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Abed, it's open!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
What are you doing? That was the Jeffersons, honky.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I was wrong, okay? Material possessions are important. Think how much happier the Jeffersons were than that family on good times.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
But they had good times.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Well, do good times really matter? What about good cars, good lobster? What about that... That sport where the British people ride the horses with the really long hammers?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Jeez, you are way out of your element here.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Yes, and I do not believe a single word I am saying for me. But for you, maybe you're one of those rare people with nothing underneath the surface. Maybe if you put stain remover on a turd, you don't get a diamond. You just get a turd with less direction in life.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Thanks, coach. Can you turn the tv back on?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Faucets.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Italian faucets, handcrafted. These look like... Wait... I made this notch to indicate optimal cleansing temperature for combination skin. These were mine?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
For a fancy condo, you've got awful security. Install those in a new apartment so that every day, when you're spending way too much time on your hair, you can look down and think, "I was a huge phony before. I can do it again!"
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
You're into me.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I beg your unbelievable pardon.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Look at all this work you're doing just to have me around again. You were may more attracted to me than you were willing to admit.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I was doing this all for Abed. You are the worst.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Yeah. Clearly.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : vaughn
Vaughn, I just want you to know, I haven't changed my mind. I am out. Also, do me a favor, will you lay off Britta? She may walk like she just got off a horse, but underneath all that clown makeup, she's a good kid.
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : pierce
No worries, man. I've moved on. Lates!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : vaughn
Lates. Okay. Snakes. What?
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : all
Pierce, I don't need you in my band. I don't need your heart or your hand. I am my own person, and, Pierce, you're a b. Yeah, you heard me say it. Pierce, you're a b.


Speaker : annie
Listener : troy brandi
No! Before you two proceed, I have one thing to say...
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Did you... say it already?
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy brandi
I want nana's blanket back. Do you guys mind? Could you scoot over? It's an heirloom. I want it back. Thank you. Have a nice date.


Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley
I don't care what you think. For me, that was huge.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
I know, sweetie. Let's go find you some pants.


Speaker : rapper
Listener : all
This song's for Pierce 'cause he's so old His body made of wrinkles and folds. Stupid and ugly, he smell like a fart, the poo-poo in his pants and poo-poo in my heart.


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Hey, look who the cat dragged out and licked clean.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
I saw how much you missed me, and smelled what happens to Pavel on cabbage night, and realized the world was better off with me in it. Thanks... For, uh... Caring.


Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
You look like you moved out.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
I checked into a motel and I'm looking for apartments. You would've been fine with me staying there forever?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Yep.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
You're pretty cool, Abed.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
You're a huge nerd.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Thanks.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
I'm Pierce. Yeah. Song's about me.


Speaker : rapper
Listener : pierce
East side, west side, North side, south Vaughn's breath is so bad, His butts mad at his mouth This rap is by Pierce, Vaughn is dumb He wears diapers to bed, And sucks his mothers thumb And when he wakes up, Stupid wishing he was me He has a big poop breakfast, With a glass of pee Then he goes to school, Where he's stupid again And everybody hates him, Even all his friends When you come after Pierce, Then the battle is on So this rap goes out, To stupid Vaughn
Speaker : vaughn
Listener : pierce
Well payed Pierce. This isn't over.




Community - 1x09 - Debate 109.HDTV.LOL.en.srt

Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
so then the guy says to the housekeeper, "make sure she's dead." Stop me if you heard this one before.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
would have been nice to have that option 27 minutes ago.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
the housekeeper says to the guy, "we don't have a pool." And the guy says...


Speaker : dean
Listener : all
good morning, greendale! Just a reminder, Our debate team will bring home The championship tomorrow versus city college. Go, human beings!


Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
great. now i got to start the whole joke over again. Okay, so this guy--
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
no! I've got one for you. A doddering old fool Walks into a bar, tells a stupid joke, And i crush his windpipe with my three-ring binder.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
i don't get it.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
britta's trying to give up cigarettes.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
don't tell them my business. I will slap that smug look Right off your pointy face.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
britta, i'm saying this Because i care about you And you're my friend. You need to start smoking again.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
i really think you should.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
absolutely.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
they say it makes you lose weight, and your skin looks Really great when you do smoke.
Speaker : britta
Listener : group
guys, i really appreciate your support, But i've got to quit this time.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
have you thought about hypnotherapy? I know a dynamite hypnotherapist.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
ten-to-one says it's him.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
his name is pierce hawthorne. And i'm very effective.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
can you help me block out people's voices I find extremely annoying?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Jeff, she's right there.
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
pierce, i would be grateful for your help.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
you would? super. i'll set it up.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
what? i feel bad for him. Plus, i just yelled at him.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
you yelled at me too.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
oh, did i hurt your feelings, pointy face?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
wow. wow.


Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
have you seen the film department's web site?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
what do you think?
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
All of abed's films are about us.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : troy
what?
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
check it out.


Speaker : jeffactor
Listener : groupactor
what else is new?
Speaker : groupactor
Listener : jeffactor
Jeff.
Speaker : jeffactor
Listener : groupactor
hola.
Speaker : brittaactor
Listener : jeffactor
jeff, stop being so relaxed. we need to talk to you about...
Speaker : shirleyactor
Listener : jeffactor
we know you're living out of your car. Why, on lord's good earth, Are you living out of your car, boy?
Speaker : britta
Listener : group
those people look just like us. That's eerie.
Speaker : jeffactor
Listener : groupactor
fine, it's true. I'm living out of my car. And i don't want anyone's help.
Speaker : britta
Listener : group
we had almost that exact conversation last week.
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
yeah, but abed posted this video two weeks ago.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : troy
that boy's a soothsayer.
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
this is wrinkling my brain.
Speaker : troyactor
Listener : pierceactor
this is wrinkling my brain.
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
that's wrinkling my brain.
Speaker : pierceactor
Listener : troyactor
get a load of these wrinkles.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
who's that old guy?
Speaker : pierceactor
Listener : jeffactor
hi, i'm pierce hawthorne.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
oh, come on!


Speaker : annie
Listener : dean whitman
there he is.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
oh, mr. winger... Mr. winger, did you happen to hear My announcement this morning?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
i hang on every word.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
i'm gonna assume that's sarcasm.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
correct.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
so you didn't hear my announcement?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
i'm barely listening now.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
oh.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
my debate partner dropped out, And we need you to fill in for him at the championship tonight.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : jeff
jeffrey, as debate coach, I am offering you an opportunity To spend the night drinking from the cup of life Rather than romancing your nether regions In front of the e! channel.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
come on, jeff. I mean, who better than a former lawyer To really stick it to those city college snobs And their star debater Simmons?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
mm, pass.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
okay. no, no. Okay, wait. wait. okay, no, no. look. Listen, jerkwad-- i'm sorry. That got heated. Greendale needs a win. The best compliment our sports program gets Is that our basketball team is really gay, So what's it gonna take? You know, a plum parking space, Free meals, A night of companionship if you know what i mean.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
i'll do it for the parking space. And if you promise not to tell me what you mean.
Speaker : dean
Listener : whitman dean
okay.


Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
pierce, thank you. I really appreciate you helping me out.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
and i appreciate the opportunity. You know, sometimes, i think People don't take me seriously.
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
so what are you gonna do? Wave a pocket watch in front of my face And tell me i'm getting very sleepy?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
Just checking the time. Now close your eyes. Keep them closed at all times. And listen to the soothing sound of my voice. The only word that will bring you out Is gorilla. Okay, now focus on the rhythm Of your own breathing. And when you feel the desire To light up a cigarette, You will associate these urges With things in your life that disgust you. Bad-tasting food. Sex with men. Wearing attractive clothing. And soon... Oh, god, i think i really hurt myself!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
Somebody help me.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
Oh, britta, wake up! Why'd i put you under so well? Damn my talent.


Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
topic for debate is "are people inherently good or evil?" So when do you want to get together to strategize?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
annie, i was a lawyer. I was a debater for money. I think i can handle this.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
How was hypnotherapy?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
he fell down and screamed in pain While i laid there with my eyes closed To make him feel like a good hypnotherapist.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
you realize this will never end.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
it's already done. He just wants one more session.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
* wa-wa *


Speaker : troy
Listener : group
where's abed? I need to talk to him about his films.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
that boy's flat-out prescient. He can read our minds.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
i know what you're gonna say. You watched my movies on the website.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
he's a witch!
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
get him!
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
no, i'm not a witch. I'm a student of human character. I know you guys all so well I can predict your behavior. like shirley.
Speaker : abed
Listener : shirley
I know you're a sweet, christian, generous person. oh, that's nice.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
oh, that's nice.
Speaker : abed
Listener : shirley
i also know you have thinly veiled rage issues.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
careful, boy.
Speaker : abed
Listener : shirley
careful, boy.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
oh.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
here. check this out. May i?
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
yeah.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
jeff's character acts Like nothing around here affects him. But things bother him more than he lets on.
Speaker : pierceactor
Listener : all
hey, i'm top of the class.
Speaker : jeffactor
Listener : self
gah!
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
he's also very vain.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
ridiculous.
Speaker : all
Listener : self
oh.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
why am i crying? what, i accidentally listen to come sail away by styx again?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
you don't have to worry, troy. It's just a movie. I can't predict the future.
Speaker : pierceactor
Listener : self
my leg. i hurt my leg. aah!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
what up, happy people?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
you tell me my future right now, you evil wizard!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
by the way, jeff, i think your shirt's trying To get out of your pants.


Speaker : annie
Listener : debate
as golding's lord of the flies demonstrates, man, When left to his own devices, Will descend into chaos and evil.
Speaker : dean
Listener : all
whoo! And now, from city college, Jeremy simmons.
Speaker : simmons
Listener : debate
there were 23,000... Kidney donations in america last year. Man is good. The average life expectancy For a man in a community Is 23 years longer than a man alone. Man is good. And just ten minutes ago, A bald, bespectacled man held the door For a man in a wheelchair.
Speaker : dean
Listener : self
oh.
Speaker : simmons
Listener : debate
man is good.
Speaker : dean
Listener : self
oh. I hate this guy.
Speaker : simmons
Listener : debate
by the end of this debate, I will prove with facts And data that man is inherently good.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : jeff
old trick for achieving the proper competitive mindset, I always envision my opponent having aggressive sex With my mother.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : debate
This feels so formal. Let's just talk. People are evil. They can't help it.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : jean
I didn't catch your name.
Speaker : jean
Listener : jeff
it's jean.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : debate
take jean here. She spent a lot of time this morning Making herself look so lovely.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : jean
Tell me, jean. How many people bothered to tell you How great you look today?
Speaker : jean
Listener : jeff
none.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : debate
man is evil.
Speaker : jean
Listener : jeff
but you just said how great i looked.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : jean
for my own selfish purposes. The fact is, as hot as you look, And it is quite hot, I wouldn't have said anything.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : debate
When i talk about people being evil, I could cite quotes or dig up statistics, But those are just words and numbers. I think we could have a little more fun If i express myself in song. * evil woman * * ba na na na na * * evil woman * I knew you could do it. That's my time, everybody. Thank you very much. Yeah!
Speaker : jean
Listener : debate
at the end of round one, City college: 50, Greendale: 8.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : jean
i only got 8?
Speaker : jean
Listener : jeff
she got 8. you got 0. it's a debate. not american idol.


Speaker : simmons
Listener : jeff
nice work, l.a. law. All sizzle, no steak.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : simmons
i don't care, dude. I'm doing this for a parking space.


Speaker : basketballcoach
Listener : all
let's go, boys. come on, let's go. I want to see some hustlers out here. Let's go.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : basketballcoach
by zeus, what sort of jackassery is this? We're in the middle of a championship debate.
Speaker : basketballcoach
Listener : whitman
we reserved the gym For practice.
Speaker : dean
Listener : all
uh, yep. they reserved it. Okay, they've got us by the short ones. The debate is suspended until tomorrow.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
Hopefully, by then, we can get our act together.
Speaker : basketballcoach
Listener : extra
oh, great try, bruce! great try.


Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
jeff, wait, when are we getting together To prepare for tomorrow?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
never, because it's stupid, and i don't care.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : humanbeing
Bite me.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
maybe simmons is right. You really are all sizzle and no steak. You probably couldn't beat him if you tried.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
what do you mean i can't beat him? You and i are gonna study harder Than we've ever studied before And beat city college tomorrow.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
really?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
no, who am i, iCarly?
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
abed is right. You act like things don't bother you, but they do.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
look, six months ago, i was a lawyer. I wore suits. I used to say stuff like, "objection" and "sidebar." Now i'm losing a community college debate To Jeremy "Soul Patch" Simmons.
Speaker : simmons
Listener : jeff
hey, winger. You like to sing? I like to sing too. * zero for winger * * ba na na na na na *
Speaker : simmons
Listener : extra
Kick that.
Speaker : simmons
Listener : jeff
* was a big shot lawyer * * ba na na na na na na * * now he's a lo-ooooo-ser *
Speaker : annie
Listener : simmons
lay off, simmons. Jeff didn't understand the rules.
Speaker : simmons
Listener : annie
yeah? What's your excuse, eight points?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : simmons
dude, leave her out of this.
Speaker : simmons
Listener : annie
* little annie adderall * * was an outcast in high school *
Speaker : jeff
Listener : simmons
that's it. dude, we are gonna debate The living crap out of you.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
We've got some preparing to do.


Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
i liked you better when you were smoking.
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
i'm so sorry.
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
no, you're right. My feet are long and stupid. You can't unring that bell.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : self
oh, no.


Speaker : abed
Listener : shirley
that's my newspaper.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
what do you need a paper for? You knew what was gonna happen yesterday, You middle-eastern magic eight ball. Pierce hurt his leg, Britta made troy cry. What's my destiny? Am i gonna die in a car? Is it gonna happen soon?
Speaker : abed
Listener : shirley
shirley, i have no psychic abilities. I'm just an entertainer. But if it'll make you feel any better, Here, let me show you what i'm working on.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
i'm sorry. is that me being chased down by a werewolf?
Speaker : abed
Listener : shirley
yeah. and that's how you'd behave in that situation, no?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
the situation being me being chased down by a werewolf.
Speaker : abed
Listener : shirley
mm-hmm.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
and that's jeff locking lips with annie.
Speaker : abed
Listener : shirley
mm-hmm. yeah.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
you're a fool.


Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
so, in the experiment, stanford students were divided Into prisoners and guards. The guards immediately started--
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
uh!
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
what's wrong?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
i have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
it's called a stress headache. I got my first one when i was four.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
i hate it.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
well, get used to it. You're knee-deep in it now, brother. This is debate. If you want to win, You need to prepare.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
well, agreed, but if you want to win, You need to loosen up. Go off book, robot debater.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
oh, my gosh. You're right. Simmons is so good at using his inherent magnetism To sell his points, and here i am, Like a spinster librarian with my hair pulled back.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
yeah.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
What do you think?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
yeah.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
thanks.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff annie
be careful. abed thinks you two are gonna kiss. ridiculous.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
us. Kissing. That is ridiculous.


Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
totally. We should get back to work.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
yes. um, okay. The people are inherently evil.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
ooh, we can use this hobbes quote. "man is a collection "of base animal urges. "to act on them and experience "sinful pleasure would be morally no different Than taking a breath." That's poignant, right?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
yeah. You know, maybe we should study alone.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
yeah.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
separately.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
uh-huh. That way we can be more reproductive--productive!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Bye!
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
Bye! oh, you forgot your phone.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
well, i can get another one.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
the next time you even see a cigarette, You will think of things that disgust you. And while you're under so deep, You'll find yourself attracted To slightly older men. Perhaps, some barrel-chested stud With just enough tummy to love. You'll want to buy him dinner, Then go back to his hot tub. Perhaps, you'll invite one of your friends To join us for a three-way. Maybe someone with low self-esteem And slightly larger breasts.
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
go to hell, you disgusting pig.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
a-ha!
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
pierce, i was awake the whole time. I was faking it.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
i know. I saw you. What do you think i am, some kind of a joke?
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
no. No, i was trying to make you Feel better about yourself.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
how dare you pity me? I may be a little older, My ideas may seem weird, And my fashion sense may cause envy. But i have a lot to offer. And i will not be pitied. Do not help me up.


Speaker : simmons
Listener : debate
and as german poet franz wickmeyer once wrote... "snow falls from the heavens pure. "we cannot blame the snow for being... Soiled by the earth." Man is good.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
What? that dude gets it.
Speaker : jean
Listener : debate
jeff winger will now offer a two-minute rebuttal.
Speaker : simmons
Listener : jeff
hey, sizzle. What are you gonna sing tonight? I'm in the mood for some sade.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : debate
in the stanford prison experiment, 21 out of 21 students, when given absolute power, Abused and tortured their fellow students. My competitor likens people to pure, falling snow. I would respond, "there is none righteous. No, not one." Now i realize mr. simmons' quote Was from the great franz wickmeyer. Mine was just from a simple desert handyman Named jesus.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
oh, that's nice!
Speaker : annie
Listener : debate
survival of the fittest wires an impulse to eliminate people Into our hearts.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : debate
counterpoint.
Speaker : simmons
Listener : debate
mother teresa. joan of arc.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : debate
rebuttal.
Speaker : annie
Listener : debate
nuclear bombs.
Speaker : simmons
Listener : debate
nuclear families.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : debate
abu ghraib.
Speaker : simmons
Listener : debate
apu from the simpsons.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : debate
double rejoinder.
Speaker : annie
Listener : debate
telemarketers.
Speaker : simmons
Listener : debate
organ donors.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : debate
hate crimes.
Speaker : annie
Listener : debate
executions.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : debate
ketchup is a vegetable.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
This is a real barn-burner. God, did i just say cross-burner?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
no, you did not.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
oh, good.


Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
we make an amazing team.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
i know. we're so in sync. It's like a perfect duet or great s...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : whitman
Hey, professor whitman.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : jeff
jeffrey. Your preparation was impeccable. You remind me of a young me With slightly worse hair.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff annie
i just checked with the judges. They'll need a miracle to win in rebuttal. Simmons is finished.


Speaker : britta
Listener : group
this is too much for me.


Speaker : annie
Listener : dean jeff
whoa, whoa, whoa. He's going off book.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
why is he ripping up the cards? Doesn't he need the cards?
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
it's a gambit.
Speaker : simmons
Listener : debate
he hates me. Yet he caught me.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
ooh.
Speaker : simmons
Listener : debate
man is good.
Speaker : annie
Listener : debate
he was horny. So he dropped him. Man is evil.
Speaker : jean
Listener : debate
greendale wins.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : self
huzzah!
Speaker : dean
Listener : simmons
eat that, simmons.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
that off-book enough for ya?
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed shirley
simmons got robbed.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
abed, abed.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
they kissed. You do have powers. I'm gonna die by werewolf.
Speaker : abed
Listener : shirley
shirley, i don't have powers. trust me. In my next film, we discover that pierce is an actual genius.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
well, that's not gonna happen.
Speaker : abed
Listener : shirley
no, it's not.


Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
pierce, I can't smoke a cigarette Without thinking of a three-way in your hot tub. You did it.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
yes. i did?
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
you're a genius.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
ah! who's the third?


Speaker : dean
Listener : humanbeing
you did great in there!
Speaker : whitman
Listener : dean
let's take this bacchanalia outside.
Speaker : whitman
Listener : abed
Full moon tonight.
Speaker : dean
Listener : self
whoo!


Speaker : abed
Listener : self
shirley.


Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
well, i'm going this way, so...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
well, um, congratulations, buddy.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
thanks, pal. Just pat me.


Speaker : troyactor
Listener : self
donde esta la biblioteca? me llamo t-bone, la arana discoteca.
Speaker : abedactor
Listener : self
discoteca, muneca, la biblioteca es en bigote grande, perro, manteca.
Speaker : troyactor
Listener : self
manteca, bigote, gigante--


Speaker : troy
Listener : troyactor abedactor
cut, cut. Let me ask you a question. do you hate this? Do you hate doing this? Do you?
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Let me talk to you. can i talk to you for a second?
Speaker : troy
Listener : troyactor abedactor
Just hold on.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
what is this?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
i don't know. They're just trying to do what they're gonna do.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troyactor abedactor
Uh, just have fun with it. Take 36.




Community - 1x10 - Environmental Science.HDTV.FQM.en.srt

Speaker : dean
Listener : all
Okay, you can hear this? okay. Good morning. I'm here to kick off the first day of new tradition At our school called "green week."
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
what? First, we give a month to black history, Now we're blowing seven days on the irish.
Speaker : dean
Listener : all
all this week, greendale college Is becoming so earth-smart That we're changing our name to envirodale!
Speaker : starburns
Listener : dean
but we were already called greendale.
Speaker : dean
Listener : all
Well, there's, um, also going to be A free rock and roll concert By a certain band called green day. Huh? that make you happy?
Speaker : starburns
Listener : dean
eh, no. not really.
Speaker : dean
Listener : assistant
okay, we need to redo these.
Speaker : assistant
Listener : dean
we printed 5,000.
Speaker : dean
Listener : assistant
well, print 5,000 more. I'm trying to save the planet, here.


Speaker : chang
Listener : all
pencils down.
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
I want you all to write a one-page essay, in espanol, entitled, annie's mistake.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : chang
why doesn't annie have to write it?
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
okay, two pages, entitled, the consequences of questioning authority.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : chang
this is spanish 101. I know how to say "hello," "tomorrow," And that tables are female. That's the only spanish you taught us.
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
oh, six pages on ignorance.
Speaker : britta
Listener : all
guys, put your hands down.
Speaker : britta
Listener : chang
Senor chang, please continue. we respect your authority.
Speaker : chang
Listener : britta
thank you, britta.
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
20 pages on ass kissing! Due on monday.
Speaker : annie
Listener : chang
this monday?


Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
you know, if senor chang gets any crazier, He's gonna win one of those grammy awards.
Speaker : annie
Listener : group
i've already reported him to the dean. He said they've been trying to fire him for three years, But nobody wants his job.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
mm-mm, i can't write a 20-page paper. I got a presentation in my marketing class on friday And public speaking gives me the nervous sweats.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
i can help you with that.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
i accept.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
That's how messed up things are.
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
well, we're screwed too. We're three days behind on our biology lab.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
the reason it's taking so long is because troy's afraid--
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
i'm not afraid, abed. I choose not to be around rats because they are unpopular. Same goes for centipedes and lakes.
Speaker : britta
Listener : group
there's only one solution. Someone has to go to chang and talk to him.
Speaker : annie
Listener : group
i vote we all look at jeff at the same time.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
in a way, all of you are right. Okay, what was i tuning out?
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
you have to get chang to call off some of this homework. You're the one with the silver tongue.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
yeah, go tongue chang.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
guys, what makes you think i can convince chang of anything If i can't even convince you not to make me do it?
Speaker : britta
Listener : group 
i guess it sounds crazy.
Speaker : annie
Listener : group
oh...
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
jeff does raise a good point.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
i don't get it.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
wait, you are convincing!
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
you just made us change. you could do it.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
you want me to risk the "c" That i'm pulling in that psycho's class By putting myself on his radar? I mean, that guy goes any more nuts, He's gonna win a grammy.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
you are hilarious.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
that's very funny.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
he's funny.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
what is it, the chair?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
jeff, how do you think You're gonna keep pulling a "c" in that psycho's class If he keeps assigning this much work?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
because i have you guys.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
well, guess what, handsome hobo. Your gravy train's leavin' the station.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
ignore what she's doing. we are serious.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
fine. i'll do it. But when you find my body, don't believe the suicide note.


Speaker : dean
Listener : self
hmm. this better not awaken anything in me.


Speaker : assistant
Listener : dean
green day's here.
Speaker : dean
Listener : greenedaeye
oh, wow. Okay, what's this about, now?
Speaker : greenedaeye
Listener : dean
we're greene daeye.
Speaker : dean
Listener : self
oh.


Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
what do you want, winger? Here to complain about the homework On behalf of the class?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
can i ask you a personal question, senor chang?
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
okay, freud. Sure. you try to penetrate my psychological armor, and--
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
did your wife leave you?
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
holy-- How did you know?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
well, when you pick juries, You learn to read the little stuff. Same shirt twice in one week. teaching us the word "esposa" means "liar." The picture of you with a woman With a post-it note dialogue balloon above her head That says, "enjoy it while it lasts."
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
we met at a salsa club.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
mm.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
and, um... she loved the way i danced. But...i mean, you know how it goes. Just--get a job...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
stop salsa dancing. of course i know.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
you make no mistake about this, winger. I pleasured that woman greatly.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
yeah. you look like you would have to. I'm not surprised you said that.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
i like you, winger. Pickled bull testicle?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
uh, are you offering or collecting?


Speaker : extra
Listener : rat
* mary had a little lamb  * little lamb, little lamb... **
Speaker : garrett
Listener : rat
* row, row, row your boat *


Speaker : abed
Listener : rat
* somewhere out there *
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Troy, sing. The assignment is to train a rat to respond to a specific song.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
yeah, did you have to pick a duet? Hmm?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
hmm?
Speaker : troy
Listener : rat
* somewhere out there * * beneath the pale moonlight *
Speaker : abed
Listener : rat
* somewhere out there * * beneath the pale moonlight *
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
he did it!
Speaker : abed
Listener : fievelrat
good boy, fievel.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Commencing reward. i have to open the cage.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
yeah, you don't have to warn me; i'm not afrai--
Speaker : abed
Listener : self
fievel.
Speaker : troy
Listener : all
everybody shut up! I'll kick all your asses! But y'all have to come up here!


Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
dude, you are gonna be fine.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
ah. yeah.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
you just have to move on. And if you hang out with me sometime, You will see how great single life can be.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
yeah?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
yeah.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
what about tonight?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
absolutely. Oh, shoot. My spanish study group has to get together every night now. You know, you have been really Letting us have it with this homework.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
i really have, haven't i?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
yeah.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
tell you what. For my new buddy jeff, essay canceled. sha-clackey.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
fantastic. that is fantastic. everybody will be so happy.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
oh, oh, i didn't say everybody. It's for my new friend jeff. I mean, you're the one coming out with me, right?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
right. yeah.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
i suppose it will put you in an unenviable And uncomfortable position, and want to be--
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
here's your jacket. let's do this.


Speaker : abed
Listener : chang jeff
is there a rat in here?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
i have no idea what you're talking about.
Speaker : chang
Listener : abed
abed.
Speaker : abed
Listener : chang
el tigre.


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
well, did you talk to chang?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
yeah, but it didn't do any good. My head still hurts from all the yelling. And my pupils are more sensitive to light Because he yelled at me so much.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
oh, now i feel bad that we made you do that. Maybe we can help with your essay.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
oh, that's okay. i'm working on mine by myself. You could do my homework next time. See you in class.


Speaker : britta
Listener : annie troy
he's hiding something.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
britta, jeff suffered for us. give him a little credit.
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
yeah. you can be pretty cold.


Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
troy?
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Damn. Here comes Abed. he needs my help. I got to get out of here.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
troy?
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta annie
Have you guys seen a rat? Troy knocked over fievel's cage and he escaped.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
oh, abed, i'm sorry. He probably found more rats And is very happy living with them.
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
try to join the rest of us in reality, britta.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : self
i believe that, uh, Fusing brownies with the, uh, internet Is going to create the next napster for brownies.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
yawn!
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
can't i just write it on cards?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
no. Do you know anybody who reads from cards? No, you don't, and that's why. Also you might consider a darker top.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
note taken.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
oh, and  Don't--don't, uh, lock your knees. Never lock your knees. You know what happens when you lock your knees? You die. Second, When you want to drive home a point, Hand them a sandwich. Try it. hand them a sandwich.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
hand them a sandwich.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
yeah, except you just dropped, uh, the sandwich, As opposed to handing it to them.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
hand them--oh, okay.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
right. so yeah. And try attention-grabbing words to wake up the audience Such as, uh, "multiple orgasm."
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
oh, no, no, i don't think that would Really fit into my message. Maybe we should focus, uh, more on, um, uh...
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
yeah, and about these filler words of yours. I mean, nobody wants to buy brownies from somebody who says, "um," and "like." I have a method for fixing that. start from the top.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
okay. These brownies are, um--
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
uh!
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
they, um--
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
uh!
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
these brownies are... Delicious. They taste like--
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
like!
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
that's not a filler word.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
whatever, valley girl.


Speaker : chang
Listener : all
the difference between usted and tu Is a matter of formality.
Speaker : chang
Listener : pierce
pepe, usted es viejo. "you are old."
Speaker : chang
Listener : abed
alberto, usted es feo. "you are ugly."
Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
no, you're not, abed.
Speaker : abed
Listener : shirley
thanks.
Speaker : chang
Listener : shirley
Shakira... Shakira...
Speaker : chang
Listener : troy
y tupaco...
Speaker : chang
Listener : troy shirley
ustedes estan sucios. "you are dirty."
Speaker : shirley
Listener : chang
dirty?
Speaker : troy
Listener : chang
dude
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
still formal, but plural. Because, while both are dirty, Neither are my friends. Okay? And, on another subject, Hope you guys are working hard on your essays. Because that's gonna be 30% of your grade.
Speaker : annie
Listener : chang
no.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : chang
no.
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
jeff...already turned in his essay.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
Great job.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
thanks.
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
as soon as you turn in your essays on monday, There's gonna be a big-ass quiz. So study hard. class dismissed.
Speaker : chang
Listener : self
Ahh.


Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
hey, dude. crazy night last night, man.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
hey, when you go out with me, it gets crazy. That's the winger guarantee, huh?
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
dude, let's do it again.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
ooh, yeah, i want to. It's just the quiz, you know? Study, study.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
well, how 'bout this? Bling. A-plus. Nice work, winger!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
you know, i knew i could do it if i applied myself.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
cher--cherry daiquiri.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
cherry daiquiri!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
daiquiri.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
uh-huh.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
Later.


Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
you devious clump Of overpriced fabric and hair product.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
speaking as one of the meek, As soon as i inherit the earth, you a dead man.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
you got a weird forehead.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
we're all very disappointed.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
all right, dial it back a little, britta.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
if anyone should be disappointed, it's me. What kind of a group threatens to kick someone out Unless he helps them?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
what kind of a person is asked to help other people And then helps himself!
Speaker : annie
Listener : self
yeah.
Speaker : britta
Listener : self
mm-hmm.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
helps himself? I don't think i like being talked to that way!
Speaker : britta
Listener : group
he's using fake outrage to justify leaving.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
fake outrage? justify my-- Yeah, that's it. i'm out of here.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
oh, you're breaking up with the group?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
that's what you guys want.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
it's all right, i've been divorced seven times. Don't answer your phones And bury all your money in the backyard.


Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
here you go. Look at pierce's paragraph from unit two.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
let's see. "I took a computer class..." The apple store. Adorable.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
keep going, keep going.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
and the saleswoman had manzanas gigante. Ruined it.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
can you imagine being married to him?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
seven times! Seven different women agreed to marry that guy. it's cra--
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
I'm so lonely! I want to die.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
come on man, it-- come on, don't do that.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
I... Just miss her so much.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
yeah.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
i'm sorry. This is so stupid.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
no, no, it's fine. It's just--buddy, you know...
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
it's dumb!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
i can see that you're hurting. Um, but i have to get to accounting. And it's not like i'm hitting strip clubs With professor whitman.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
you better not be!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
what?
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
all i ask Is for you to keep filling the void in my soul.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
well, i'll have to think of something. Let me rest gently on your pecs.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
best closer to a presentation, a nicholson quote. Uh, you take a phrase from one of his films And you tailor it to your product. You can't handle a moist towelette! Something like that, you know? But you can't use that one. that's--that's mine.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
thanks, pierce.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
sure.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
i'm just gonna write it on some cards.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
okay. Just don't let anybody know i was involved.


Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
why do you care so much?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : troy
i don't.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
because fievel's going to die.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed
i'd rather die than listen.
Speaker : annie
Listener : abed
who's going to die?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
yeah.
Speaker : abed
Listener : shirley annie
the dean says the exterminator is coming Because of our rat.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed
i'd like to exterminate this conversation.
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
what are you doing?
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
he's sitting in jeff's chair, So he's trying to act like jeff.
Speaker : all
Listener : self
oh! ohh.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : self
oh, an email.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
i thought you might want to help me out Because we are friends.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
abed, take it from a former prom king. real friends help me with things. Not vice versa.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
i would face my fears to help you.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
exactly! 'cause you're my friend.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
am i? * somewhere * * out there *
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
oh, abed.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
* beneath the pale... *
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
he gets any nuttier, they're gonna put him on the view.
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
that works, yeah.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
what are we gonna do? we gonna study?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : self
oh, my--


Speaker : abed
Listener : fiebel
fievel? Fievel? Fievel? fievel.
Speaker : abed
Listener : fievel
* somewhere * * out there * * beneath the pale moonlight *
Speaker : abed
Listener : fievel
* someone's * * thinking of me * * and loving me tonight *
Speaker : troy
Listener : fievel
* somewhere * * out there * * someone's saying a prayer *
Speaker : troy
Listener : fievel
* somewhere out there *
Speaker : troy
Listener : fievel
* and even though i know *
Speaker : troy
Listener : fievel
* how very far apart we are *
Speaker : abed
Listener : fievel
* it helps to think we might be wishing *
Speaker : abed
Listener : fievel
* on the same bright star *
Speaker : abed
Listener : fievel
* and when the night wind starts to sing *
Speaker : abed
Listener : fievel
* a lonesome lullaby *
Speaker : troy
Listener : fievel
* a lonesome lullaby *
Speaker : abed
Listener : fievel
* it helps to think we're sleeping *
Speaker : abed
Listener : fievel
* underneath that same big sky *
Speaker : troy
Listener : fievel
* somewhere *
Speaker : abed
Listener : fievel
* somewhere *
Speaker : troy
Listener : fievel
* out there *
Speaker : abed
Listener : fievel
* out there *
Speaker : troy
Listener : fievel
* if love can see us through *
Speaker : abed
Listener : fievel
* if love can see us through *
Speaker : troy
Listener : fievel
* then we'll be together *
Speaker : abed
Listener : fievel
* then we'll be together *
Speaker : troy
Listener : fievel
* somewhere out there *
Speaker : abed
Listener : fievel
* somewhere out there *
Speaker : troy
Listener : fievel
* out where dreams *
Speaker : abed
Listener : fievel
* out where dreams *
Speaker : troy
Listener : fievel
* come true *
Speaker : abed
Listener : fievel
* come true *
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
aah, it's on my leg! It's on my leg! it's on my leg! Aaaaah! Disgusting!
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
thank you.


Speaker : dean
Listener : all
whoo! whoo! whoo! okay, thank you. Green week was a rousing success Here at greendale. And now for our band, greene daeye! By the way, they're not the real green day. Thought we should just rip that band-aid off quickly. Okay!
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
hey! what's up? Just got your text, man. Wanna hang out? 'cause if you don't, i will fail you.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
actually, i had an idea for an extra credit project.
Speaker : greenedaeye
Listener : all
we've been asked To dedicate our first song To senor and senora chang.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
She said she didn't want to talk to me.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
i didn't tell her you wanted to talk.
Speaker : chang
Listener : self
AAH!


Speaker : shirley
Listener : all
estimation of market value Of--of--of brownies has-- Ahem! i, uh-- target group--
Speaker : professor
Listener : shirley
ms. bennett, i'm afraid i have to ask you To put down the cards.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : all
uh... I--i--
Speaker : shirley
Listener : all
they are...wonderful. We all love...brownies. if you love brownies, you love life.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : all
here's brownie!


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
what's chang doing?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
uh... He's getting a refill on his void.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
i got an "a" on my presentation, And a lot of the credit goes to pierce.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
heh. and i had a great sandwich.


Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
we found the stupid rat. And abed's gonna shut up about it now.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
it's true.


Speaker : chang
Listener : all
i have something to say. I've been a horrible husband. And i've been a horrible teacher. And i'd like to thank my student jeff winger For showing me that And helping me fix my marriage. No more 20-page essays due on monday!
Speaker : shirley
Listener : self
oh, that's nice!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
thank you.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
although, winger, You should write a one-page essay called taking advantage of the emotionally-vulnerable. booyah.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
you did that for us?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
mm, kinda.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
You know, i thought hanging out with you guys Was the worst way to pass spanish. I was wrong.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
uh, we're the best.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
jeff, i'm sorry i called you a handsome hobo. If you need help with that essay, You can rejoin the group.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
thanks. What are you guys talking to me for? You go dance!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
i know your secret. I know about the chair.


Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
whoa, what model did you get?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
it's the tsunami 3000 anniversary edition. You?
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
the devil's drench xj-11. This is gonna be awesome. We should establish base camps. What part of the library do you want?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
i'll take the northeast. Northeast is closest to the drinking fountain--
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed troy
all right, guys, are we gonna do this thing?
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
pierce. I hope that's the tiny gun That you throw at us to confuse us While you grab the giant gun That's duct-taped to your back.
Speaker : abed
Listener : pierce
seriously, this hardly seems like a fair fight.
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
Oh, it's pepper water! oh, it's pep-- Who puts pepper in water?




Community - 1x11 - The Politics of Human Sexuality.HDTV.LOL.en.srt

Speaker : annie
Listener : dean
So I booked a sketch artist, an improve troupe, and there'll be a laser projecting a burning pelvis onto the ceiling.
Speaker : dean
Listener : annie
A laser! Well, this isn't gonna be your mother's sexually transmitted disease awareness fair. You've been quite the little helper, Annie.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy abed
Oh, STD fair, guys. Catch knowledge.


Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
You think you're better than me?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
No.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
You stick to quotin' movie lines. I'll stick to sports.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
I'm trying to reduce my pop-cultural referencing.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Well, you're not moving into sports. You and I are playing real basketball, right now.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Sounds fun.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
No, it doesn't! And it won't be.


Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff britta
Catch knowledge.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Sorry, not interested...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : secretary
in ignoring your very important cause. Hi, I'm Jeff Winger.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
Oh, Sabrina is my new secretary.
Speaker : secretary
Listener : dean
"Secretary" is a little degrading to women.
Speaker : secretary
Listener : jeff
I help the dean do officey things.
Speaker : britta
Listener : secretary
Oh, gender saved.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : secretary
My casual friend and I are gonna have a non-romantic breakfast if you'd like to join us.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
The cafeteria's closed while we set up for the fair. Fortune cookie?
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff britta
Isn't it great? Greendale is the latest campus to catch a case of public health fever!
Speaker : britta
Listener : dean
You know the toilets in the women's bathrooms don't have seats, right?
Speaker : dean
Listener : britta
Because they keep getting stolen.
Speaker : dean
Listener : secretary
Sabrina, take a note. I want hidden cameras in every stall.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie jeff
Problem solved.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
"You will get aids."
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
Flip it over.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
"Unless you go to the STD fair."
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
I wrote that.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Congratu... horrible!
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
See you later.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Jeff... you and I are friends, right?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Okay.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
You may have noticed a recent change in my demeanor.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
I haven't.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Well, I have a new girlfriend. And she is super smart, if you know what I mean.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Unfortunately, I always know what you mean.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Can't wait for you to meet her. You know, when you catch a big fish, you want to stuff her and put her on the mantle. How 'bout tonight?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
I doubt it.


Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff pierce
Troy and I played basketball. It was fun.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Don't gloat. It's impossible to guard you. Your eyes are too gentle and mysterious.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Hey, guys, Jeff and I are double-dating tonight with my new girlfriend.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
Ooh...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
You got that from "I doubt it"?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
Pierce has got a girlfriend!
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
That's great. What does she do?
Speaker : 	pierce
Listener : group
She's an escort.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
Oh...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
Some mysteries solve themselves, don't they?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
No, no, no, that's just her profession. She doesn't escort me. No, no. I met her in my marketing class. And I'm taking Doreen to Annie's mixer tonight.
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
You mean the STD fair. Catch knowledge.
Speaker : troy
Listener : self
Taking a call girl to an STD fair. There's a joke here.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
So, Jeff, dust off that black book and rustle up a honey, huh?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Is there a pill that makes the word "no" clearer?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Well, I guess it is pretty short notice. Probably couldn't get a date anyway.
Speaker : group
Listener : self
Oooohh...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
I'm sure you're right.
Speaker : group
Listener : self
Oooohh...
Speaker : troy
Listener : self
Maybe it has something to do with crabs. They're like a food, but they're also a disease.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
You know, I wonder, Jeffrey, for all your feather flashing, when was the last time you actually scored?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Well, I don't know the precise date, Pierce, because I'm not you, so there's no receipt.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
Ooohh...
Speaker : group
Listener : jeff
Meh...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
Oh, come on.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Jeff, you shouldn't take potshots at some poor woman just because you can't get a date.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
I can get dates anytime I want.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
What is this, some kind of joke?
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
No. This is. "Don't eat the crab dip." Yay-yay!


Speaker : dean
Listener : annie
Ah... You hear that, Annie? That's the sound of STDs screaming, "No! Stop being so aware of us!" Aah! And it's all thanks to you.
Speaker : annie
Listener : dean
I was voted most likely to succeed at my rehab clinic.
Speaker : dean
Listener : annie
Well, in recognition of all your hard work, I have decided that you should conduct the condom demonstration. You're gonna be center stage showing everyone how to put a condom on a, well, what my dad called a Jimmy Carter.
Speaker : annie
Listener : dean
Um, I don't know if I'm the right person for that.
Speaker : dean
Listener : annie
Don't worry, not a real one. No, it's an anatomically correct model, you know. But trust me, eyes closed, you can't tell the difference. Okay.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : extra
Hey, it's Jeff Winger. Well, I wanted to see what you were doing tonight. What do you mean, do I know your name? What kind of a question is that? Of course I know. Well, if I answer now, you'll never learn a valuable lesson about trust, Jennifer.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
Crap! Ahh...


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Pierce really got to you, huh?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
It has been a dry spell. But that's only because it's been a while since I've tried. So I'm trying.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Yeah, I can see that. This is a lot of outgoing calls. "Car wash redhead. Tube top, REM Concert." "Juror number six." That sounds aboveboard. At least you have "mommy" in here. It's not my mom.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Dude, not cool.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
You saying "dude" is not cool. What are you doing?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Heh! "Hot blonde, Spanish class"?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
You're welcome.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
This is the phone book of a man in his 20s. The women literally have no identities. It's pretty shallow.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
You're right. I can't believe I haven't seen it before now.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Whatever. I'm gonna go study with Shirley.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Well, I'll be here... Rethinking my way of life.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Mm.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Call mommy.


Speaker : annie
Listener : britta shirley
Guys... I have a problem. The dean wants me to demonstrate the proper use of a condom at the stupid fair by putting one on a mannequin's stupid... Thingamabob. It's a big honor... But I'm gonna screw it up.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
Well, it's easy enough to practice.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Britta, do you have a banana?
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta shirley
This is an anatomically correct model I'll be handling. Real... whatchamacallits... are nothing like bananas! Are they?
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
Have you never seen one?
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Shh!
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
Annie... being a virgin in this day and age is something to be proud of. You're like a unicorn.
Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley britta
I am not a unicorn. I had relations with my high school boyfriend. We did it to Madonna's erotica on the floor of his walk-in closet. But he wouldn't let me look at it. And he cried after. And during. He's gay now.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
I think he was gay then.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
So you, uh, you never seen one when you were growing up? Like, you know, on the Internet, in a picture, or Harvey Keitel's?
Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley britta
I've caught glimpses, but I've never got a real good look at one. What I need to do is practice on the actual model, but the dean has it locked in his office.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
Okay, that's easy enough. We'll go to him and we'll ask him...
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta shirley
No! This is really embarrassing. I don't want anyone to know. I just want to figure out how to do it and get it over with. The dean is counting on me, and I want him to know that I'm someone he can trust. We have to break into his office.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta annie
I actually have no problem with that.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
I think I could do that. Mm-hmm.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Oh, hello, Jeffrey.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Hi, Pierce.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
I was just going into the fair to wait for my smokin'-hot date.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
That's nice.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
How 'bout you? Were you ever able to, you know, come up with a, you know, date?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
No, no. Because I didn't try. Because taking a date to an STD fair would be lame.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Don't worry about it, kid. What you're going through is a dry spell. From my experience, they don't last any more than 12, 13 years.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Excuse me.


Speaker : dean
Listener : extra
Step right up. Get a prize, not an STD. Oh, no, syphilis. Please, please, no, syphilis. Ow, it burns! Oh, that's gonna hurt.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
Gross. Dean, your assistant. Is she single? What are her likes and dislikes?
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
Uh, yes on single. She likes hip-hop and horses. Dislikes beards and... yeah, I was done talking.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : secretary
Is it me, or are horses the most beautiful creatures? They're so majestic.
Speaker : secretary
Listener : jeff
Totally.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : secretary
I mean, just this morning when I was shaving and listening to the new Jay-Z, I was thinking about how I want to squeeze in a quick gallop this weekend.
Speaker : secretary
Listener : jeff
Do you own a horse?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : secretary
Can you ever really own a horse?


Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Pierce.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Yeah.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
This is Sabrina. About 30 seconds after you walked away, I asked her to be my date for the fair, and she said yes.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Oh, you must have a great personality.
Speaker : secretary
Listener : pierce
Thank you.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Congratulations, Jeff. You proved me wrong. You got a girl.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Yeah, I did.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Oh, this is Doreen. Ready for our double date?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Yes, I am. Wait, how'd you do that?


Speaker : dean
Listener : chang
Is this the best safe sex fair or what? Check out these condoms. All along the side it says "Greendale"! Exclamation point, my idea.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Wow, me in a dune buggy. With syphilis. This is going on the fridge.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Hey, look how gorgeous Doreen is tonight. Hey, can we... Let's lay out our plans for the evening. You wing man me, I wing man you. Maybe we split up for a little hoo-ha. And then meet in the morning for eggs and... details.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
That sounds like the worst combination plate ever.


Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Ugh! I can't believe you beat me again!
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
You want my stuffed animal?
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Aah! We're arm wrestling. Ugh!
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Oh, like Stallone in over the top. But I'm not sure of all the rules. Don't I need a semi truck and a ten-year-old son?
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
The rules are you suck! Let's go!
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Uh, I want to wait for a more inspiring song. This score isn't right. There we go.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Aah! You broke my hand, you bastard.


Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
I can't do anything with this.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta annie
Hmm, let me see that. Ooh, I can see through the door. Oh, yeah. Thar she blows.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Ooh, I wanna see! I wanna see!
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Okay, go, go, go.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Shh.
Speaker : britta
Listener : self
Oh!
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta shirley
I'm the one that needs to see.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
It's okay.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta shirley
Oh, boy. Oh, I had it wroooong! Is that considered large?
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
Yes.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
No.
Speaker : security
Listener : annie britta shirley
What in the reverse porky's is going on here?


Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
You know, Doreen speaks six languages. You should hear her order wine in French.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : doreen
Hey, honey, say caber-net sauv-a-gong-da-nun.
Speaker : doreen
Listener : pierce
Pierce, you're embarrassing me.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : doreen
Do you know a lot about wine?
Speaker : doreen
Listener : jeff
Well, I did have a client who owned a vineyard in Napa. He was into S&M and Merlot, so we called it S&M&M.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : doreen
Honey, you're boring the crap out of Jeff.
Speaker : secretary
Listener : jeff
Be right back. I have to make tinkles.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff doreen
Well, then, I'm gonna go get us another round.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : doreen
You know, you are not what I expected. You're smart, you're classy. You're not wearing go-go boots.
Speaker : doreen
Listener : jeff
They're in the shop. You know, despite what most people think, I actually spend most of my time talking. As men get older, they want to spend their time with someone they can have a real conversation with.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : doreen
That is going to suck.
Speaker : doreen
Listener : jeff
"Going to", Jeff? Look, Sabrina's cute, but she thinks that Monty Python is the evil snake from Harry Potter.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : doreen
Trust me, I know girls I can converse with who are way more annoying. I will take "tinkles" over "we need to talk" every time.


Speaker : secretary
Listener : jeff
Hey, babe. Ready to show me that Lexus?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : secretary
I thought you'd never ask.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : doreen
Doreen... it was very nice to meet you.
Speaker : doreen
Listener : jeff
You can do better.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : doreen
Here. Rrrrr... Oh, they already left? What a couple of nincompoops! Uh, before I buy dinner, I have to ask... is there any lovemaking on the table?
Speaker : doreen
Listener : pierce
We're through, Pierce. I'm gonna go to the bar, and you can join me if you'd like. And we can still have a lovely evening. But it will cost you 200 bucks.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : extra
That is a pretty big discount.


Speaker : dean
Listener : self
I had no idea alcohol would make people horny. Makes me sleepy. I don't...
Speaker : security
Listener : dean
Dean.
Speaker : dean
Listener : security
Yeah.
Speaker : security
Listener : dean
We have a 597 currently going on in your office.
Speaker : dean
Listener : security
A 597? There's a dog-fighting ring in my office?


Speaker : dean
Listener : annie britta shirley
Okay, I'm just gonna turn him around, and we're gonna cover him up. Okay, ladies, I am shocked at the reverse porky's that has happened here tonight.
Speaker : britta
Listener : dean
I don't see what the big deal is. Annie just needed to look at the model of the pe...
Speaker : dean
Listener : all
Oh, okay, the "p" word has entered into play. That's exactly why I wanted Gail, our school counselor, here, and Monique, who's keeping record, to ensure we discuss these sensitive topics in a legally appropriate manner.
Speaker : gail
Listener : all
I think everyone should say penis so we can take away the negative power of the word. Yeah? So, everybody...
Speaker : all
Listener : self
Penis.
Speaker : security
Listener : all
She didn't say it.
Speaker : dean
Listener : britta shirley annie
Now, why did you break in to see the penis?
Speaker : dean
Listener : gail
Wow, I really do feel more comfortable saying that now, Gail.
Speaker : gail
Listener : all
I just want to focus on the girl who won't say penis.
Speaker : gail
Listener : annie
This is a judgment-free zone, so express yourself.
Speaker : annie
Listener : all
You know what? I don't want to express myself. I don't want to sit in a room full of people and say the "p" word. I like being repressed. I am totally comfortable being uncomfortable with my sexuality. And maybe, just maybe, if everyone were a little bit more like me, we wouldn't have to have an STD fair.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
You go, girl!
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
That's my pumpkin!
Speaker : annie
Listener : all
By the way, now that I've gotten a good look at one, I don't see what all the fuss was about. A giant thumb in a turtleneck. Whoop-dee-do!


Speaker : secretary
Listener : jeff
You have a really awesome body. You probably hear that all the time.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : secretary
Not as much as I should.
Speaker : secretary
Listener : jeff
Oh... professor...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : secretary
What? I'm not a professor.
Speaker : secretary
Listener : jeff
But you're at Greendale... And you're old.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : secretary
I'm a student.
Speaker : secretary
Listener : jeff
Yikers.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : secretary
Yeah, it's pretty much Yikers for me too.
Speaker : secretary
Listener : jeff
Well, I guess I can make an exception... professor.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : secretary
Mmm... You know, uh...
Speaker : secretary
Listener : jeff
Huh?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : secretary
I can't do this.
Speaker : secretary
Listener : jeff
What? But this is your car.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : secretary
Keep it.
Speaker : secretary
Listener : jeff
But...


Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Yeah! Yes! Yes! How you like those apples?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
I don't like those apples. I'm so upset. It was just a fluke I won those other games.
Speaker : troy
Listener : self
Troy!


Speaker : chang
Listener : dean
Wow, this may be the only STD fair to actually spread STDs.
Speaker : dean
Listener : chang
Shut up, Ben!
Speaker : chang
Listener : dean
Oh, my God. That's why you don't print things on condoms. Everyone's getting preggers, and it's all your fault. Oh, God, I love it.
Speaker : dean
Listener : self
Oh, man!


Speaker : extra
Listener : all
Condom water balloon fight! What the hell? Dude, these are leaking.


Speaker : dean
Listener : troy
Troy! Troy, all the condoms are faulty. As the best athlete on campus, I need you to run to my office and make an announcement before everyone leaves.
Speaker : troy
Listener : dean
Dean, I am not the best athlete on campus. Abed is.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
I know you let me win the race.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
But you didn't say anything.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
That's because... I wanted it to be true.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
You're a really good friend.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
No, Abed... You are.
Speaker : dean
Listener : abed
For the love of God, run!
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy dean
Okay.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Go, Abed, go, before people sex one another!


Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
There he is. Back already. Detail time?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
I stopped. I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, she's hot. I think this place is sapping my life force.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Oh, it's not Greendale, Jeff, it's you. You're becoming more mature. I mean, a man reaches a point in his life where he stops looking for a place to hang his underwear and starts looking for a place to hang his hat.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Oh, I'm sorry, I was waiting for that to become inappropriate or racist. What happened to Doreen?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Oh, uh, she said if I wanted to continue the night I'd have to pay.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Oh, man, that... that is rough.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Oh, no, it was a wake-up call. Doreen's a very special lady. I did not treat her right. I have stuff to work on, you know?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
You'll get there.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
We're both gonna get there. Here's to being better men.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Cheers.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
So could I borrow 200 bucks?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Tell Doreen I say hi.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
You know, for 220 I can get the...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
I'll give you 250 if you don't finish telling me.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Ooh, I can get it twice. Ah, college. Best years of our lives.


Speaker : abed
Listener : all
Attention, Greendale students. Don't use the condoms! If you're going to have sex tonight, don't use condoms.


Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
The characteristic of an acid to donate or accept a proton cannot be quantified for individual species, comparing two donor acceptor systems, the proton transposition H8 plus H20...
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Abed?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Yeah Troy?
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Can you give me a glass of water?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Sure.




Community - 1x12 - Comparative Religion.HDTV.2HD.en.srt

Speaker : dean
Listener : all
Happy last day before winter break, Greendale! Time to visit our loved ones. Some of you will travel as far as three Miles! Don't forget to visit our winter wonderland in the quad, where we're giving away catalogues of next semester's classes. Whoa, what's that sound? Is that the tippy-tapping of secular boots on the roof? Oh, well, it must be yet another sign that it 'tis the season, because rumor has it that non-denominational Mr. Winter is on his way to the student lounge!
Speaker : dean
Listener : self
Unh!


Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
I'm so sick of the Dean jamming his PC down my throat.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Pierce, I'd like to commend you for letting that one go.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : self
"PC-ness."
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
Now I get it. It sounds like "penis". I just got it too.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
Well, it's still Christmas to all of us, and I made you all a little gift, because you're like my new family.
Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley
"W-W-B-J-D"?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : troy
If this stands for "What would Billy Joel do", I'll tell you right now... he'd write another crappy song.
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
Yeah, in your face, Billy Joel.
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
Who is that?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
It stands for "What would baby Jesus do?" And it's to remind us that the real meaning of this season is Christmas.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Oh, well, thank you, Shirley. I'm gonna put that in the pocket closest to my heart.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
No, no, no, it's a bracelet. You put 'em on.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
Everybody put 'em on.


Speaker : thug
Listener : abed
Hey. Hey! You took all the winter-doodles. What are you, a douche bag?
Speaker : abed
Listener : thug
They're for my friends. There's a lot of other cookies left.
Speaker : thug
Listener : abed
No, there's only macadamia nut cookies there, okay? I have a tree-nut allergy.
Speaker : abed
Listener : thug
You should probably stay away from Christmas-tree-shaped cookies.
Speaker : thug
Listener : abed
Ha ha! That did not even make allergic sense. What are you, an idiot?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : thug
Okay, we get it. You and the A-team are awesome. Now beat it.
Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
Oh, look at that. Pretty boy standing up for bird face over here. Give me a winter-doodle.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : thug
If you're trying to be menacing, maybe don't call the cookie by its name.
Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
Oh, you're funny. You're a funny man. Want to hear something funny, funny man? Knock, knock. My fist up your balls!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : thug
Who's there?
Speaker : dean
Listener : all
Ha ha ha! Merry happy!
Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
This ain't over. There won't always be a Dean around. All right?


Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed
Still waiting on those cookies, Abed.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
Jeff protected my honor. It was like my bodyguard, but I was the kid from meatballs, Jeff was the guy from full metal jacket, and the moustache guy was the brother of the guy on entourage.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Thanks for dumbing that down for us.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
You got it.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
So what's the deal, Jeff? You leave your stones in your other suit? Why didn't you rap that guy in the face?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
For the same reason that I floss, have a bed frame, and keep my guitar in its case... I'm over 23.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
I'm proud of you for handling it peacefully, Jeff, like a certain little birthday boy. Real men turn the other cheek.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
Let's see 'em.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Nonsense. Men were wired to fight each other so that women could choose the right mate.
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
No, the real reason men fight is to release their pent-up gayness.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
That guy wasn't gay. He had a moustache.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
You know what I have? Finals. Are we cramming for Spanish or not? I need a 65, or I'm gonna flunk the class.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
Why didn't you do the extra-credit assignments if you knew that you were... failing?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Because doing more than the minimum work is my definition of... failing.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
Quick question... Are you all coming to my Christmas party right after the final, or are you stopping home to change into your Christmas outfits?
Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley
I guess I could wear one of my Hanukah sweaters.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
Uh, Annie... I... I didn't know you weren't, um, Christian.
Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley
Yep. One might even say I'm Jewish.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
Oh, t... that's good for you. T... that's wonderful. I respect all religions of the world.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
I'm Muslim.
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
Jehovah's witness.
Speaker : britta
Listener : group
Atheist.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : self
The Lord is testing me.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
Guys, this is a subject that breeds conflicts. Can we please do...
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
What religion are you, Jeff?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
I'm agnostic.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Agnostic... lazy man's atheist.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
I'm born-again.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
Oh.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Yeah, we had a re-birthing ritual in my friend's hot tub. I'm now a level-five laser lotus in my Buddhist community.
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
Uh, that does not sound like Buddhism. Are you sure you're not in a cult?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
Just by asking me that question, you've put me back down to a level four. You now owe me 2,000 Energon cubes.
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
Do you know how foolish you sound right now? What else do you believe in, blood transfusions?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
Jehovah's witnesses are a type of Christian, right, Troy?
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
Yeah, but we don't celebrate birthdays or Christmas, and we can't drink. But it helps.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
So you're like a Muslim. Salaam alaikum.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Shama-lama-ding-dong.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
Wow, don't we have a diverse little family. I say we open up this... this party to all faiths. I brought my star of Bethlehem, which led the wise men to the savior of all mankind. And you guys can bring a little trinket or doodad from your philosophies. Sounds good?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
As an agnostic, I'm gonna bring my winning smile.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
That's not enough.


Speaker : chang
Listener : self
Ugh! So boring.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : all
Done. Hee hee. Hee hee. Hmm. Feliz Navidad.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
"True or falso or none of the above?" That doesn't make any sense.


Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
Hey, look at that. Forehead's taking a test.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : thug
Why don't you get going, Chuck Norris?
Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
Did you just shoo me?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff thug
Why don't you just kiss him already?
Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
Dude, I will shoo your nose down your throat!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : chang
Senor Chang, can you do something about this?
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
I'll allow it.
Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
Que pasa here, huh? It's usted, dude. Even I know that.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : thug
You picked the wrong day to correct my Spanish, no sleeves. It's on!
Speaker : abed
Listener : thug
He's doing this for me. He's my bodyguard.
Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
You wanna dance?
Speaker : britta
Listener : thug jeff
Maybe to some show tunes?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : thug
No, I want to beat the crap out of you. And I'm gonna enjoy it, because you're just like this school. You're obnoxious, you're cramping my style, and you smell like French-fry oil.
Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
I don't get it!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : thug
Three O'clock, bike rack, But not the one by the parking lot!
Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
Right! The one by the trash cans near the orange cones where they're building the wheelchair ramp!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : thug
Yeah.
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
Best exam ever. That guy's awesome, man.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
So help me if that jerk-weed made me fail.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Well, I aced it, amigo. That means "cousin".
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
So what's my role going to be in the fight? Is there a key moment where I finally stand up for myself and take revenge on the villain?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Uh, maybe you should just hang back.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Yeah I will. In his face!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed troy pierce
Whatever you do, don't tell Shirley about the fight. She'll start in with all her mother-y, guilt-inducing powers. You know what I mean?
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
No. I'm wearing this Jesus bracelet 'cause it gets me chicks.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
I know guys like this Mike. He used to be a nerd. Now he's a meathead. Dangerous combo. Tyson, Lou Ferrigno, Rosie O'Donnell.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
You're a pretty big dude. Probably got some moves.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
Yeah, I got some... theories.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
You've never been in a fight?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed troy
Technically, no. I guess I'm too charming and likable. Call me a name.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
I can't.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Are you telling me you've never been punched in the face?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
No, thank God. This is the moneymaker.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
First time I got punched in the face, I was like, "Oh, no!" But then I was like, "This is a story".
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
And a good one.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
Yeah.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Every man should be punched in the face. It's a rite of passage. In my day, Friday night was smoke a doobie, feel up a gal, and then get your teeth knocked out by a republican.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Guys the plan here isn't for me to get hit. It's for me to hit him.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : troy abed
Oh, then it's settled. We have to teach Jeffrey how to fight. I know a few moves.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : troy
Troy, I assume you're handy with a switchblade.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed
Abed, you get back to the family tent, try to find a chicken for Jeff to Chase.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy abed pierce
Guys, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but, uh, I think I got this.


Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
Oh, well, look who it is. We got forehead, old head, dumb head, and, uh... the other head. See you at 3:00, forehead.
Speaker : thug
Listener : extra
Give me a snowman, dork!
Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
See this, funny guy? Huh? Huh?


Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
Classic Rosie.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
Fight lessons in a half an hour?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
Good plan.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
Hello. Oh. Is this your Hanukkah holder? It's, uh... it's pretty. We'll just, uh... Let's just put it... There we go. That's nice. So I can't believe I never knew you were a Jew.
Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley
I'd say the whole word next time.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
So, uh, do you think everyone will start arriving soon?
Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley
I think they're gonna come after Jeff's fight.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
After Jeff's what now?
Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley
Jeff wants to fight that bully.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
On Christmas? Um, will you excuse me for a moment? And can you finish the manger scene?
Speaker : annie
Listener : babyjesus
We know you were one of us.


Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
'Sup? 'Sup?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
'Sup!
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
No, it's a question. 'Sup?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
'Sup?
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
Not a real question, a rhetorical one. You have the answer. He does not. Okay, then you give him the forest Whitaker eye.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
That's pretty good.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
Mm-hmm. Okay, hold that stare. There you go. Hold it. Then you look straight through his eyes and deep into his soul.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff troy
And then you move to Vermont.
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
I am sick and tired of you saying that fighting is gay!
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy britta
She's got a point. You know, in boxing, you fight for the purse and the belt.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
I've gotta write a paper about that.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
All right, I've seen enough. Let's see what we're working with. Go ahead, throw a few at the old paws. What are you, a North Korean seamstress?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Not if that's bad.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Get mad! Come on! If it helps, think of me as somebody who annoys you. Ooh, that's it! That's... that's good.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
Britta, put your blouse back on.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : self
Oh! Ow!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Boys, this is not a game. You gotta be ready for anything.
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
Dude, that is not cool!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : troy
Well, that foxy Black girl thinks it is.
Speaker : troy
Listener : self
Hmm? Ow!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
What are you doing?
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
Why does she have to be black?


Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
What is going on?
Speaker : troy
Listener : shirley
We're trying to get Jeff ready for the fiiiii...iiight.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
I couldn't think of another word.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
Idiot.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
He meant we were figh... ...ting.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
It is hard to think of another word.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
You realize there's no other way for me to take this than as a giant middle finger to the most important day of the year.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
December 10th?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
It's our Christmas, and I'm having a party. Due to my divorce and my relatives picking sides, this will be the only Christmas party I throw this year. Will you be there, or will I have another family letting me down?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
I told him not to fight. He wouldn't listen. I don't know what that is.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Jeffrey, I have two boys. And when we have a serious discussion, I find that a brownie helps them to relax. So why do you hate me and Jesus?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
I don't think my brownie's working.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Please don't do something so ugly on a day so important to me.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Again, it's December 10th.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
You think religion is stupid?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
No, no. To me, religion is like Paul Rudd. I see the appeal, and I would never take it away from anyone. But I would also never stand in line for it. And look, Shirley, the die has been cast with this crazy bully guy. He picked on Abed, and he corrected my Spanish. So you go to your party, and I'll see you soon.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Jeffrey, I forbid you from fighting.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Well, you don't get to. You're not my mom.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
You're right. But if you show up for the fight, don't show up for my party.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Oh, come on, Shirley, don't be mad.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
I'm not mad. I'm disappointed.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
That's "mom" for mad.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
Oh, hash browns and applesauce... That's nice.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
Oh, what is that interesting smell?
Speaker : abed
Listener : shirley
It's a traditional Muslim dish.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
It looks delicious. I'm guessing as a woman I won't be allowed to eat that. That's too bad.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Oh, look, Britta brought what she believes in... nothing.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
Where should I put my Buddha incense holder?
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
I'm pretty sure that's a bong.


Speaker : annie
Listener : group
Where's Jeff?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
I guess he made his choice.
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
I want to go to Jeff's fight.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
As I told Jeff, no one that goes to the fight can come to my party. He's dead to me. And if any of you leave, you'll be dead to me too. Let's sing. # Jesus is a friend of mine # everybody! # Jesus is a friend of mine # Come on, everybody. You don't know it?
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
You're banning Jeff from the party? That doesn't seem very Christian.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Well, that's an interesting point of view coming from an atheist.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
I did my best to create a special Christmas for my one intact family, and... this is the thanks I get.
Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley
Shirley, you are a guilt machine.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
And Annie knows a thing or two about guilt. Am I right, Jew?
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
Say the whole word!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
Jewie?
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
You would never catch a Jehovah's witness saying "Jewie".
Speaker : pierce
Listener : self
Tell it to the birthday cake you never got.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : troy
You know, there's an old Buddhist saying in my vision group...
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
You are not a Buddhist. You are in a cult.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
Suck it, Nietzsche!
Speaker : annie
Listener : group
Guys, everyone's faith is weird. Let's just not talk about it.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
There's nothing weird about Christianity.
Speaker : britta
Listener : group
Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Are we really gonna let religion divide us like this? I think there's one thing we can all agree on.
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
I get 72 virgins in heaven.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
No.
Speaker : britta
Listener : group
That we would all like to have Jeff at this party.
Speaker : annie
Listener : self
Mm-mm.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
He can't come.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Shirley.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : self
Mm-mm.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Shirley, listen. I get that this is your first Christmas since your husband left you, and I don't know, maybe that's why you're being so stubborn, because you're trying so hard to re-create something that you're afraid that you've lost forever. But if you really want us to be your second family, then you've gotta start treating us like one, even if that means supporting us when we do things that you don't agree with. You can start by rooting for Jeff while he rolls around on the ground groping another man. That's what I'm gonna do.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
The cranberry sauce has real cranberries.


Speaker : thug
Listener : extra
Look, if he doesn't show up, We're definitely going to Applebee's, right?
Speaker : extra
Listener : thug
Yeah.
Speaker : thug
Listener : extra
I'm getting into a fight no matter what today, dude. No matter what! Look who showed. Oh, check him out. Ahh...ahh!


Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
What's up, dude? No backup today? Huh? Looks like grandpa and weirdo couldn't show up to get their teeth knocked out, huh?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : thug
Can I ask you a question? Are you perpetually on your way to the gym?
Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
Dude, my life is a gym!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : thug
Well, 'sup?
Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
'Sup, man?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : thug
'Sup?
Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
'Sup?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : thug
'Sup? 'Sup?
Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
'Sup? 'Sup?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : thug
'Sup? 'Sup?
Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
'Sup? 'Sup?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : thug
'Sup? 'Sup?
Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
Whoa. Dude, what is that?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : thug
All right, just one sec. These are very expensive. All right...
Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
Dude, you wear a bracelet?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : thug
Your name's Mike, right?
Speaker : thyg
Listener : jeff
So?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : thug
Mike, I'm not gonna fight you. I have a friend that believes this is the time of year where you put aside your differences, and you make peace. Me... I don't believe in any of that, but I do believe in friendship. And as much as I hate you and the cast of breakin', I have to ask myself, what would Shirley do?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : self
Oh!
Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
What would Shirley do?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : thug
I think...
Speaker : thug
Listener : jeff
What would Shirley do?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : thug
That she would shake your hand and wish you a Merry Christmas.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Jeffrey... Kick his ass!
Speaker : thug
Listener : extra
Cavalry's here. Shirts off, boys!
Speaker : britta
Listener : all
Come on, I'm being punked, right?
Speaker : thug
Listener : extra
Come here. Come here.


Speaker : extra
Listener : shirley
Please, it's Christmas.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : extra
It's December 10th!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : thug
Not the moneymaker. Not the moneymaker!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
You're welcome!


Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley
Yeah! That was really good.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Yeah!
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
That was nice.


Speaker : chang
Listener : group
Thank you, thank you. I get it, yes. It is I, Senior Chang.
Speaker : chang
Listener : shirley
Shakira, hold this.
Speaker : chang
Listener : group
So... I have finished grading everyone's finals, and all of you are moving on. Heh heh heh, except... for Jeff.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
Turns out you... pause for dramatic effect... will be seeing me next semester.
Speaker : annie
Listener : self
Noooooooo!
Speaker : chang
Listener : group
In Spanish 102! Heh heh heh. Because he passed, you know. And I'm the only Spanish teacher.
Speaker : annie
Listener : chang
Yay! I meant about Jeff passing. You being our Spanish teacher, eh.
Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff
Whoa. Man, Mike got you good.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : chang
Actually, uh, that was my present to Jeff.
Speaker : chang
Listener : pierce
I don't care. I got a Mountain to shred.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Jeffrey, you're a man now. How's it feel?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
I got hit in the face, like, four times before you punched me.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Some people just don't know how to say thank you.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Pierce, thank you.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
And thanks to all of you for showing up and having my back when we fought those fly dancers. So, uh... Merry...
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
No, no, no, no, no. Holiday.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : shirley
Actually, I was gonna say merry semester and happy new one.


Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Oh Christmas Troy, oh Christmas Troy, thy candles shine so brightly. Oh Christmas Troy, oh Christmas Troy, much pleasure thou canst give me.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy abed
Why do you guys do stuff like this?
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
'cause it's fun?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Don't move
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
This nose smells like the special drink




Community - 1x13 - Investigative Journalism.HDTV.LOL.en.srt

Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
welcome back!
Speaker : abed
Listener : shirley
Hi.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
Hello. What did you do over break?
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
Oh, it was so awesome. Me and abed played this video game. It is so dope. It's a whole city.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
You can drive anywhere.
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
You can rent an apartment.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
You could do your taxes.
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
But don't get audited 'cause that's bad.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
You could even enroll in community college.
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
Right now it sounds as boring as real life, But it is not.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed troy
Vacations are wasted on the young. You guys gotta get out there and see the world at some point Or you're gonna miss your entire lives.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Where did you go, britta?
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
Amsterdam, I think. I'll know more when I find my camera.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Guess what happened to me.
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
Oh, pierce, you became a grandfather?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
No, I became even cooler. These ironic tee shirts are all the rage.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
Let's get one thing straight. I wish I was still a lawyer. I'm only here because I'm hot for britta, And I don't want to be anybody's friend. Just kidding. Bring it in here, ya knuckleheads! You know, I gotta say I took a look back At the guy I was last semester, And I realized that guy was a drag.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Good to hear you admit it, jeff.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
No, the truth is this is a new semester, A new jeff. Greendale is where I am, And I am gonna make the best of it.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
That is nice.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
You're like hawkeye on m.A.S.H. He kept his upbeat humor and charm Even in the 11th year of the korean war.


Speaker : buddy
Listener : jeff
Yeah, well, don't go changing too much, jeff. I think we all like you just the way you were.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : buddy
Well, I appreciate that, but-- Did you just teleport here?
Speaker : buddy
Listener : jeff
No, I snuck in during the group hug.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : group
You guys don't remember me? Buddy...From spanish class?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : buddy
I've never seen you before in my life.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
I've seen buddy before. He sits in the corner next to the dead plant.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : group
Thank you, abed. Sometimes I have a tendency to melt into the background. It's just my body type. But I definitely know you guys From watching you all last semester grow together.


Speaker : chang
Listener : jeff pierce
"f." "f"-minus.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : chang
Did you say "s"?
Speaker : buddy
Listener : pierce
He said "f."


Speaker : chang
Listener : all
Who cheated?
Speaker : britta
Listener : chang
I did it.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : self
Britta cheated? But why?


Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
Gimme back my bra, annie.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
I'm not even wearing a bra.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
Oh!
Speaker : buddy
Listener : self
I don't even care who wins.


Speaker : britta
Listener : buddy
What?
Speaker : buddy
Listener : britta
I sleep a lot in class. That one might have been a dream.
Speaker : annie
Listener : buddy
Well, buddy, as you know, We haven't had spanish class yet. So this meeting was more just for catching up... Between friends.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : group
I heard that. Let's do it!
Speaker : britta
Listener : buddy
Well--
Speaker : buddy
Listener : group
so--sorry, britta. I'll go first. Uh, I'm sure you guys have a natural rapport and timing, And, you know, you're scared that adding a new member Might throw everything off of its natural rhythm. I feel like I know you guys already. So you know, let me in. Just tell me the rules, And I will follow.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : buddy
Well, you already broke the only rule I have. The rule about worrying about rules.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : jeff
That's what I'm saying too!
Speaker : buddy
Listener : group
Yeah! "spanish studyin' is better when you're buddyin' around, yeah"


Speaker : jeff
Listener : extra
Excuse me, I received a text message About free sephora samples.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
Ha ha! It was me. Sorry about the ruse, but I have something better Than exfoliating soap to rub on you. An opportunity. Mm. As you can see, I am resurrecting The greendale gazette journal mirror! And we need a student editor. Someone with real world savvy That extends beyond how to huff the ink.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
Actually, dean, I'm resolved to spend this semester Being more...
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
This would be your office.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
Relaxed...And awesome. This is the first desk I've seen in six months That doesn't have "zeppelin rules" carved into it.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
And you get an english credit.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
Well, that ain't bad neither. I'm in.


Speaker : dean
Listener : all
Guys, meet your new editor! Mr. Winger is very excited to help you bring a voice Back to the campus.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Jeff, I need to take your picture. We got it.
Speaker : dean
Listener : all
Okay. You guys knock yourselves out!


Speaker : reporter1
Listener : jeff
Welcome aboard, Jeff. This is my article on the school's new water heater.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : reporter1
You got chops, kid, but we need your talent On a bigger story. Pizza wars--who's got the best slice in town? Start with big nick's. Bring us a large, with sausage.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : reporter2
You. I heard a rumor that riley's liquor is Selling to underage students. I need an undercover expose. Find out how much they'll sell you Of anything cold and imported.


Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
You expect me to watch you do that Without telling on you?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
That's a hard-hitting question, annie. Are you a reporter?
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
No, they've got me editing the crossword Because I'm a girl. And because I love crosswords.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Well, now you love the streets. You're my ace news hound.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
Ace? You can do that?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
We can do anything we want. It's greendale. Now go find me that story.


Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
This character reboot is really gelling for you, jeff. That was all classic hawkeye. Sending soldiers out for liquor. Slyly sidestepping the problematic scrutiny Of annie "hot lips" edison. I should build you a still for making hawkeye martinis.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Of all your pop culture fixations, This is one I can work with, abed.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Call me radar.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
When you've earned it.


Speaker : extra
Listener : all
Now, I know the news of senor chang's death Over winter break was a shock to us all. But we should take comfort in the fact That he did not suffer When his moped hit the side of that arby's.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
So sad. But best semester ever.
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
Feliz ano nueva, chicas!
Speaker : chang
Listener : extra
beat it. All right.
Speaker : chang
Listener : all
That was a professional actress. I am a man who can never die. And this has been your first taste Of spanish 1-0- dos-- The semester I get inside your cabesas!
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
I saw that coming.


Speaker : buddy
Listener : group
Hey, guys, see you in study group. Hoo-ah!
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Uh, jeff, can he really just decide he's one of us?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
He throws off our balance. We've got three chicks, three dudes, And now two weirdos.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed
Sorry, abed.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Not all weirdos are bad. But he might be a puckish agent of change That changes our lives for the better Through a musical montage.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Or he could have a row of jars Waiting for our genitals.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
Yo, I need my genitals.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
You know who you guys sound like? Me, from last semester. Cynical, elitist, Rakishly good-looking.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Thank you.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Well, we should at least get together To talk about membership policies, right?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
Hey, don't ask me. Dealing with problems ain't my job no more. My new job is hanging out, having fun, And cracking wise.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Oh, it must be nice. Suppose I decide that's my job.


Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
Jeff, I hope you've got an army of raisins Because I've got a major scoop. In October, There was a free toni braxton concert on the quad.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
You don't need to remind me.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
And when a last-minute mix-up Shifted the show time by an hour, An anonymous text message went out Alerting students of the change.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Okay.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
Not okay. Because the text message was sent exclusively To black students... And one french kid named lebron. That's profiling. This is front-page juice. Just gotta find out who sent the text.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Have you called the number that sent it?
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
Well...Nobody's that stupid, right?


Speaker : dean
Listener : phone
Aw... Hello? Um... wrong number.
Speaker : dean
Listener : self
No, that-- that was a good cover.


Speaker : annie
Listener : group
So whoever it is keeps hanging up, But he can't hide forever.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : annie
Annie the reporter. Good times.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : group
Listen up. I just want to say Thank you guys real much-- much--real much? Duh! Thank you guys very much for this. It's a dream come true. Now let's study some spanish.
Speaker : britta
Listener : buddy
So for the essay, we conjugate...
Speaker : buddy
Listener : britta
Conjugate. Conjugal visit!
Speaker : buddy
Listener : group
lame. Okay, stick and move. Stick and move.
Speaker : annie
Listener : group
Okay, so for the essay portion...
Speaker : buddy
Listener : annie
annie got an essay portion annie gonna move her luscious fanny all day long
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
Hey, buddy can sing, you guys. Wow, that's great.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : buddy
Annie's pretty young. We try not to sexualize her.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : group
I'm sorry. Whoa! Okay, look, I-- you know what, It's your study group, And I don't know if you perceive it As something that could be improved, But I do have some ideas. Here's the one right here. Boom. I was thinking, as a group, We could start saying, "you go, girl." Not in a way that's, you know, "oh, I'm so cool saying "you go, girl." But in a way that we're kinda winking at it. Bottom line, you guys need a chubby, agile guy. Did anyone see paul blart: Marl cop, Paul. Blart. Mall. Cop. I'm like that, okay? I'm fat and I'm... Physical, okay? And I'm strong. Hmm? And I can kick.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : jeff
Dude, sorry. Jeff
Speaker : jeff
Listener : buddy
no, no, it's fine, it's fine. It's just a little nosebleed. I get 'em when it's dry And when my face gets kicked.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : jeff
I'll get some paper towels.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
Did someone say something about a meeting To discuss member policy?


Speaker : britta
Listener : group
Well, I think it's obvious to everyone That this buddy fellow has a few froot loops loose. So I think no matter what we do, We gotta do it with grace and caution.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
I say we keep buddy in the group.
Speaker : annie
Listener : pierce
What?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
I've given it a lot of thought, and frankly I like his in-your-face style.
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
I can't stop thinking about his high kick. His ratio of girth to hip flexibility Is mesmerizing.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
I like his idea of ironically saying "you go, girl."
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
You go, girl.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
You go, girl.
Speaker : britta
Listener : group
Wait, so you kick high enough and you get in the group?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
If we're going to add people, I really think we should consider my friend gary.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
I'm sorry, shirley, Your friend gary is so boring.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
He was raised in finland. He doesn't get our humor.
Speaker : annie
Listener : group
Well, if we're gonna add a chair For every bong-ripping good-time charlie With a song in his heart, I move we institute hazing.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
Well, in the right stuff, the novel by tom wolfe--
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
This is why we need new blood. I'm so bored of you pop culture references And your cigarette-legged jeans.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
My friend gary wears nothing but loose-fitting jeans.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Gary is off the table. He is a buzz kill.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
He grew up in a land without sun!
Speaker : abed
Listener : pierce
Why don't you like my tight jeans?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Take a vote.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
They'll probably vote him in.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
They won't.
Speaker : britta
Listener : group
Guys, guys, let's take a vote.
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
Secret vote. Everybody cover your eyes.
Speaker : annie
Listener : group
We won't know the result.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Well, say your vote out loud.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
We'll know each other's voices.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Troy's got a point.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
Holy crap. Wow. It says here some guy in seattle went nuts And killed his entire driver's ed class With a meat tenderizer.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
Oh, no. We have to be careful.
Speaker : britta
Listener : group
Okay... On the count of three, Everybody who wants to keep buddy out, Raise your hand.


Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
You lied about the guy in seattle With the meat tenderizer. You put your thumb on the scale. But you did it with a smile, And you did it so you could keep smiling. You're hawkeye.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
And with buddy gone, Staying that way will be a lot easier.


Speaker : dean
Listener : annie
I am not racist! I had 20 minutes to let people know That toni braxton was starting early And 273 text messages left before my rate tripled. Racial profiling may not be right, But it can be economical.
Speaker : annie
Listener : dean
Tell me, dean, when I refer to you in my article, Would you prefer "imbecile" or "incompetent?"
Speaker : dean
Listener : annie
I prefer "incompetent," but what I really want--
Speaker : annie
Listener : dean
It doesn't matter what you want. The people want the truth. I have to give it to them. And I won't let anyone stand in my way. Excuse me.
Speaker : dean
Listener : annie
Okay.
Speaker : annie
Listener : dean
Thank you.


Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
Jeffrey, I am the least racist person in the world. My best friend when I was six years old was a black man. Look, I've learned my lesson. I've got unlimited texting now. But if she runs that story, I will lose this job. And this job is my life. She listens to you.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
Well, next time we're both hanging out having fun I could try cracking wise about it with her.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
You do what you think is right.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
That's enough.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Okay.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
I'm just saying it's not exactly watergate. I mean, you like the dean. He's trying to help you transfer.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
Yeah, and this time he might succeed. If this article breaks out, I can apply for journalism scholarships. Nobody will care about my time in rehab If they think I'm a writer.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Annie, as your upbeat friend, I gotta say let this go.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
This is greendale, jeff. We can do whatever we want.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Didn't anyone tell buddy he was out?
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
I guess we thought you would.


Speaker : buddy
Listener : jeff annie
Milord, milady. You missed my apology song.
Speaker : britta
Listener : buddy
Yeah, I'll tell 'em about it later.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : jeff
Jeff... I am so sorry about the other day.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : buddy
Buddy, yesterday the group took a vote. And you seem to have figured out the rest of it.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : jeff
Was it the high kick? Was it "you go, girl"? Oh, you guys think you're so cool.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : buddy
No, we don't think we're cool at all.
Speaker : troy
Listener : buddy
A little bit.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : group
I put myself out there for you! I laid my soul bare! I made you guys lemon squares with free-range eggs That I baked with my own hands.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : buddy
Maybe a little less sugar next time.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : group
Well, I'm not leaving.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : buddy
Oh, come on. Be relaxed, like me. Leave.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : group
You're not relaxed. You're an uptight puppet master, And these are all your little puppets.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : buddy
Buddy, just be reasonable and go.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : jeff
Make me...Hitler.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : buddy
Okay, so since buddy's not leaving, He'll just be the person who we wish wasn't here While we study. Try getting that deal from hitler. Shall we?
Speaker : buddy
Listener : jeff
I'm studying with you.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : buddy
No, you're not.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
Everyone stop studying.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : buddy
You're not in the group.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : jeff
Okay, then go study somewhere else.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : self
Hola, mi amigo. Donde estas la bibliota?
Speaker : buddy
Listener : jeff
No, no. No, no, no, no! No, no, no! No, I want to study spanish! No! Noooooooooo! Ah, I hate you! I hate your study group! I hate it! You suck! Aah... I hate you!


Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
And you are not running that story!
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
Why not?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Because I said so!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
Does anybody have a problem with how that was handled?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
It's exactly the way I would have done it, jeff.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Who are you kidding, abed? I just dragged a screaming, crying man Out of a library with his pants down. No. Martinis are for hawkeyes. I'm the same uptight jerk I was last semester.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Jeff, what's your favorite episode of M.A.S.H.?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
The one with, uh, the army.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
That's what I thought. If you'd ever actually seen the show, You'd know that hawkeye doesn't just bed nurses And drink martinis. He also had blood sprayed on his face And barked orders when the choppers came in. If he didn't, people died. He was a leader, jeff. That's your job.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
Ooh. What's in it for me?


Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
Hey...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Annie, I'm sorry that I yelled.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
I'm glad you did. It didn't even really occur to me what I was doing Until I saw how upset you were. And I never want to be the reason you're mad Because... You're jeff winger. So...Thanks... For getting mad.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Well, it was nothing.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed
I guess that's the upside, isn't it? Thank you...Radar.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Ooh, you made me so happy I just peed a little.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
I don't think violence is the answer When we make decisions about--
Speaker : buddy
Listener : group
Hi, guys.
Speaker : britta
Listener : buddy
Hi, buddy. Can you, um...
Speaker : annie
Listener : buddy
Excuse us...
Speaker : troy
Listener : buddy
For one... Crazy stalker?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Listen up. We outnumber this guy six to one. Annie, you flash your breasts as a decoy for the bum rush.
Speaker : britta
Listener : pierce
Pierce!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : britta
Don't be upset. I didn't pick you as a decoy 'cause your breasts are so old.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
Why is he even here?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : buddy
Hello.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
I invited him. Buddy's crime is thinking we're cool. But I get it. I mean, if I were him And I missed out on you guys, I'd be sitting in that classroom, Watching, wondering. So how can I exclude someone from something That I'm so lucky to have? I say we let him in.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : buddy
Hi, buddy. Welcome to the group.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : group
Oh, yes! You will not regret this.


Speaker : starburns
Listener : owenwilson
There he is. Speak of the devil, he's right there.
Speaker : owenwilson
Listener : buddy
Hey, buddy.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : owenwilson
Hmm?
Speaker : owenwilson
Listener : buddy
The group thought about what you said. We took a vote, and you're in.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : all
Oh ho, no way! I'm in the cool group?
Speaker : owenwilson
Listener : buddy
Look at him. It's like christmas morning for the guy. Welcome.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : group
Oh...This is-- Oh, this is awkward. You guys were my safe date.
Speaker : owenwilson
Listener : buddy
Hey, buddy, you don't have to worry about them. You're with us now. Come on.
Speaker : buddy
Listener : self
Ha ha! Boom!
Speaker : owenwilson
Listener : starburns
I love the kicks.
Speaker : starburns
Listener : owenwilson
He's amazing!
Speaker : owenwilson
Listener : starburns
The kicks are the best. He's just got that kind of-- You know when some people have it...
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
And that, ladies and gentlemen, Is why I voted to keep him.
Speaker : annie
Listener : group
It would have been nice to have Another person in the group.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
I'll call gary.


Speaker : starburns
Listener : troy abed
So, it says here that you want to join as two-some, I don't see it as a selling point.
Speaker : troy
Listener : starburns
We work really well together
Speaker : abed
Listener : starburns
Yeah
Speaker : starburns
Listener : abed troy
Let me hear that rap thing of yours again.
Speaker : troy
Listener : starburns
Me llamo T-Bone la arana discoteca
Speaker : abed
Listener : starburns
Discoteca, muneca, la biblioteca
Speaker : starburns
Listener : abed troy
Alright, I'll talk it over with the others
Speaker : troy
Listener : starburns
Thanks for your time
Speaker : abed
Listener : starburns
Alright


Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed troy
You traitors! I'm appalled that your lack of loyalty. Yeah, you better run


Speaker : pierce
Listener : starburns
Have you decided?
Speaker : starburns
Listener : pierce
We saw your tape. We're passing
Speaker : pierce
Listener : starburns
I don't pop in video. Let me do the song in person. Getting rid of Britta. Getting rid of the B. She's the GDB. She's a... no good B




Community - 1x14 - Interpretive Dance.HDTV.2HD.en.srt

Speaker : annie
Listener : group
Before we start, I'd like to have a preliminary powwow, or prelimi-wow, about what I'm calling our library's backdoor conundrum.
Speaker : abed
Listener : annie
Sounds like a porno with Kate Winslet.
Speaker : annie
Listener : abed
Abed, ew.
Speaker : annie
Listener : group
The door on that side is locked after 5:00, which means that most of us have to walk all the way around. Now, if we were to move our meetings to 4:30...
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
No.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
No.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
I have a regular class at that time. It's like math or other regular classes.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
I have something unimportant that can't ever move.
Speaker : annie
Listener : group
Well, maybe one of us could stand by the back door and let the rest in?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
I nominate Pierce.


Speaker : annie
Listener : group
Where is he?
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
I have not seen him around all day.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
I haven't either.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
Well, has anyone called him?
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
I did. Several times, actually, but he never returned my calls.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
Oh, no!
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
Oh, the last thing I said to him was "suck it".
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
Me too.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Good morning.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : self
Oh!
Speaker : abed
Listener : self
Yes!
Speaker : britta
Listener : self
Thank God.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
You thought I was dead, didn't you?
Speaker : group
Listener : pierce
No...
Speaker : abed
Listener : pierce
I did.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
You people have any idea how emasculating that is? I'm not Mickey Rooney. You don't have to cross your fingers to see if I'll show up. You know, when I was 30, people used to wish that I was dead to my face! That's called respect.


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Who is the lucky brunette?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Last name Beeswax, first name none-a-ya.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Oh, my third wife was biracial.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Stop it!
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I am just trying to help keep you out of trouble. What if the next girl saw these?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Well, then she would know it was hers.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : jeff
Jeff! You're sleeping with a woman you already slept with?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
Can't I be the friend in the group whose trademark is his well-defined boundaries, like privacy smurf, discreet bear or... confidentiality spice?
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
But if you like her, why would you want to keep her a secret? Don't you want us to meet her?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
We have an agreement to keep it low-key.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
That's ridiculous. Obviously, it's a guy.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
You're wrong, Pierce. It's two guys. Sometimes I do wish you were dead.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Thank you.


Speaker : troy
Listener : extra
What's up, bro?
Speaker : troy
Listener : extra
Boo!
Speaker : troy
Listener : extra
Hey, what's up, J-Dog?
Speaker : troy
Listener : extra
Woof, woof, woof, woof!
Speaker : troy
Listener : extra
Yeah!
Speaker : troy
Listener : extra
How you doing?


Speaker : troy
Listener : danceclass
Sorry I'm late.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Professor Slater, quick question.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
You know the answer, Mr. Winger. I don't date students, even if you are no longer in my statistics class.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
I'm actually kind of seeing someone right now, thank you very much.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
Really? How's that going?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Fine for now. She's smart and pretty. But sometimes I feel like she's just waiting for me to stop talking and take off my pants.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
She is.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
I've never been someone's dirty little secret.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
I've never had a dirty little secret. It's so unprofessional. But the sneaking does make the sex 38% hotter.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Wow, you do like statistics, don't you?


Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Hey, midterms and whatever.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
Chalk.
Speaker : dean
Listener : slater
Professor Slater, there's that transcript you wanted.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
Jeff, I didn't expect to see you here. Hopefully, I'm not... interrupting.
Speaker : dean
Listener : slater jeff
You know, we laugh... but the fact is, student/teacher relationships do happen, and they are a magnet for lawsuits. So we do stay vigilant. In fact, physically attractive students and faculty are actually placed on a watch list and are ranked by their potential to incite fraternization.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
You rank people by how hot they are?
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
You got it... number two.
Speaker : slater
Listener : dean
Dean Pelton.
Speaker : dean
Listener : slater
Yes, Professor Seven... Uh, Slater.
Speaker : slater
Listener : dean
I'll return this tomorrow.
Speaker : dean
Listener : slater
Okay, then.
Speaker : dean
Listener : slater jeff
You guys be extra careful now. Two people of your rankings in this small a room... with this type of lighting and his upper body and what her heels and hemline are doing to enhance what were already quite a few favors from God... it's all the more important to keep it tasteful.


Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
I think he might have ruined...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
It's dead.


Speaker : leclair
Listener : all
Oh, I can't wait for the recital. You are all wonderful,
Speaker : leclair
Listener : troy
especially you, Troy.
Speaker : troy
Listener : leclair
Thank you, madame leclair.
Speaker : troy
Listener : all
And if any of you mention my dancing outside of class, I will break off your legs and use them to smash in your friends' cars.


Speaker : troy
Listener : self
Oh!
Speaker : britta
Listener : self
Huh!
Speaker : britta
Listener : self
Oh, my God!
Speaker : troy
Listener : self
Oh, my God!
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
Troy, since when have you taken modern dance?
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
Since last semester. Coach told me it would help with my coordination, and I fell in love with it, in a very straight way. I know it's tempting to sneak a peek, but I'm gonna need for you to keep your eyes up here!
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
God, I should have never dismissed you as a shallow jock. Then again, we haven't really spent that much time together.
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
That's because you don't play football or have fun.
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
I have fun tap-dancing. I started last semester too. It was always something that I wanted to do, but it was too embarrassing, so I never told anyone.
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
Same here. Britta... Nobody can know about this.
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
Troy, who are we kidding? Look at how much time and energy we're putting into hiding something that we're passionate about. We are leading a double life.
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
I am spending a lot of money on breakaway clothing.
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
We should look at this as an opportunity to come clean.
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
Are you saying we tell the group, together?
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
We could invite them to the dance recital on Friday.
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
Man, I don't know. Let me think about it. Okay, let's do this.
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
Ahem!
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
Sorry.


Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
Mr. Winger. Would you come to my office? We never finished our intercourse.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
I have study group right now, and nobody uses intercourse to mean anything other than sex.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
This is a wall of windows. My study group's behind it.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
I know.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
As soon as we touch, the blinds will open, and six annoying but loveable misfits will be staring at us.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
Come on, what are the odds?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Fine.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
Now, was that so bad?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Mm-mm.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Hey! Could you open the back door?


Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
You all remember Michelle Slater, my professor from last semester? As most of you may realize by now, she's the woman I've been seeing lately.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
Why are they looking at me like I'm a zoo animal?
Speaker : abed
Listener : slater
Well, Jeff acts as sort of the dad of the group, so emotionally this is kind of like being told that you're our new mom.
Speaker : slater
Listener : abed
But you know it's nothing like that, right?
Speaker : abed
Listener : slater
Absolutely. Do you cook macaroni?
Speaker : slater
Listener : abed
I have.
Speaker : abed
Listener : slater
Macaroni's my favorite.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
The important thing is we all understand Professor Slater and I need this to be our little secret. Everyone understand that?
Speaker : group
Listener : jeff
Yeah.
Speaker : abed
Listener : jeff
Yes. I do like macaroni.
Speaker : group
Listener : self
Sure.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
See? All good.
Speaker : slater
Listener : group
Well, thank you, everyone. I appreciate it.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
I should get going.
Speaker : slater
Listener : group
Bye.
Speaker : group
Listener : slater
Bye.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Well, Jeff, you've taken a big step in knocking down the barriers between students and teachers... Just like Rosa Parks.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
I don't think it's like that.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
No, it's just like that.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
I feel if you need to explain it, it's not just like that.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Is your heart gonna be okay with this?
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
I will try to find the tools to survive.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Okay.


Speaker : britta
Listener : group
Hey, everybody, speaking of secrets, Troy and I have something that we would like to announce.
Speaker : annie
Listener : self
Oh!
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
No. No.
Speaker : britta
Listener : group
There's a dance recital on Friday, and I would be honored if you guys would attend, because since last semester, I... have been taking a tap class.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
That's... f... funny.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Well, I don't know how funny it is.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Come on... we're not making fun of you. But obviously, you kept it a secret because you saw the irony too.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Irony?
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
Well, you're not a typically vulnerable or feminine person, and the act of dancing is considered both vulnerable and feminine.
Speaker : britta
Listener : group
I disagree. What about fred Astaire? What about Baryshnikov?
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Yeah, I guess.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
There are exceptions to the rule, but even when Jerry Rice went on dancing with the stars...
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Jerry Rice? Oh, God. I liked him.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : troy
Troy? What... what's your secret?
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
Um... M... my secret... is that... I knew Britta's secret.
Speaker : troy
Listener : group
Yeah. I saw her in her dance outfit, and she looked ridiculous. So I helped her protect her shame. You know, I'm just glad she's out now.
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
Bravo, Britta.
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
Thanks.


Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
Mr. Winger, there you are. Just got word of your relationship with Professor Slater. I'd like to see both of you in my office in half an hour.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group dean
What the... none of you left the room. How is that even possible?
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
Well, for one thing, it's all over Twitter.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
Britta in a tutu... Can you imagine?


Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
Hey. What the hell? I thought we were supposed to come out to the group together.
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
Yeah. I changed my mind.
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
Well, they're gonna find out that you dance at the recital.
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
I'm not gonna be in the recital. I'm dropping the class.
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
Oh, my God. How can you do this? I'm so disappointed in you.
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
Hey, you don't get to talk to me like that. You are not Shirley! And Shirley's not my mom.
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
Britta, it's not like we were in the same boat. Girls are supposed to dance. That's why God gave them parts that jiggle. But I'd be going from starting quarterback to a guy that twirls around in tights. I've got way more to lose getting up on that stage because I'm a man.
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
Well, guess what? A real man doesn't bail on his friends or on himself. You're a dancer, Troy. It's who you are.
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
Not anymore.
Speaker : troy
Listener : extra
Excuse me.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Upset about Jeff?
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
No. I am upset about... something I can't talk about.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
We can talk about anything... politics, medicine, Jeff.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Okay. Uh, did you hear that the shroud of turin...
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Here's the thing about Jeff.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Wow.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Chasing after you made him a better person because you always called him on his stuff. All this time, you've been warming him up and stirring in sweetener and making him just right. And, sure, you weren't ready to take a sip yet, but that didn't mean you want somebody to snatch him off the counter and guzzle him down right in front of you.
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Shirley, I did not warm Jeff up. Nobody ever will. Do you think Professor Slater is getting flowers right now? Do you think that they are gonna go to the movies and hold hands, visit her parents? No. The only thing keeping them going was the thrill of the secrecy, and now that it is out, it is over, believe me.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
Can... can I just ask as a divorced black housewife... What part of being a single white slacker makes you people so jaded?
Speaker : britta
Listener : shirley
Ooh! You people? What do you mean, you people? I cannot believe I got to say that.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta
It's the little things, isn't it?


Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff slater
Okay, well, now that your secret is out there, I'm just gonna talk you through this teacher/student relationship form, and then we can get you two on your very attractive way.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
We haven't even admitted to being a couple. In fact, this is all based on hearsay, worse than hearsay. Pierce's Twitter account, in which he says he's 47 and teaches a women's-only pilates class.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
Jeff, it's okay. It's out. And you know what? It doesn't bother me. I'm happy.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Sweet.
Speaker : dean
Listener : slater jeff
Well...  First question. "How long have you been doing it?" Oh!  Not it. I mean this... dating.
Speaker : slater
Listener : dean
A few weeks.
Speaker : dean
Listener : slater jeff
Mm-hmm. And... how long have you been doing it?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
We don't have to answer that.
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff slater
Oh, it... hmm? Now... this is just hypothetical. Might you ever consider spending the night with a third person?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
That's not on there!
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
Well...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Wow, it's on there.
Speaker : dean
Listener : slater jeff
Just exploring your options, obviously. No agenda. I'll put "TBD". Would you describe yourself as boyfriend and girlfriend?
Speaker : slater
Listener : dean
Yes.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : dean
Eh...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
What?
Speaker : dean
Listener : self
Oh, boy.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
It's semantics, really, isn't it?
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
We've slept together every night for the last three weeks. How would you describe me?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
The best friend ever.
Speaker : dean
Listener : self
Ooh.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
Well, uh... I guess I've had the wrong idea about us. But you know what? This is good. I'd be better off dating, um... an adult.
Speaker : slater
Listener : dean
See you around.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Michelle.
Speaker : dean
Listener : slater
Mm. Rarr!
Speaker : dean
Listener : jeff
I'll get the break-up form.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
I got freaked out by that boyfriend label. I'm... afraid of commitment.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
How original.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Look, the biggest truths aren't original. Truth is ketchup. It's Jim Belushi. Its job isn't to blow our minds. It's to be within reach, so the truth is... I get claustrophobic when things get official.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
You're acting like I'm a Venus flytrap. I didn't want or need more than what we were doing.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Let's get back to it. Should I get the door?
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
I can't now, because you went to the friend place. That's you getting official, not me, because unless there's something I need to know about the lunch lady or that blonde in your Spanish class with the infinite supply of leather jackets, somewhere between our 9th and 11th slumber party, statistically speaking, most people would call us more than pals.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Yeah, but soon as you say it, it can get complicated and messy.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
How?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Because when you say it, later on, you might have to un-say it.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
Whoopee flippin' ding, Winger. It happens 50 million times a day. It's the Jim Belushi of sexual commitments. It barely means anything, and it grows on what's there over time.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Boy, that guy's really taking a pounding in this conversation.
Speaker : slater
Listener : jeff
I'll see you around, Jeff.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
I really liked what we were doing. And if the ratio of work to pleasure can really stay at that same level, I don't care what it's called. I'll do it. Let's do it.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Okay.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : slater
Okay.


Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
Oh, that's a big crowd out there.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Abed's really good at inviting people. We're all here to support you. Jeff even brought his girlfriend.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
Oh. She's his girlfriend now? Can't wait till he hears about it.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Oh, he knows. They even had to file paperwork with the Dean. It's pretty serious. Our little Jeff's growing up!
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Oh! Break a leg, Britta. I have no idea how someone could do what you're about to do.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
I brought goobers. Anybody want a goober? Get them while they're gooby!


Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Well, this is already ridiculous.
Speaker : group
Listener : pierce
Shh!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : self
Tea for two? There... there're five people.
Speaker : group
Listener : pierce
Shh!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Good Lord. Is she a water pot or a tea kettle?
Speaker : group
Listener : pierce
Shh!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Don't you think the flowers are dying from the tea?
Speaker : group
Listener : pierce
Shh!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Shh, shh!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Everyone can hear you.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : jeff
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh!


Speaker : leclair
Listener : britta
Britta.
Speaker : troy
Listener : self
Water it!


Speaker : annie
Listener : abed
What's going on?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
So embarrassing.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Ooh! Plot twist.
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
Easy, girl. There we go.
Speaker : leclair
Listener : pianist
Play something modern.
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
What are you doing here?
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
Being a friend and a man.
Speaker : britta
Listener : self
Oh!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Culturally, it's unacceptable, but it's theatrical dynamite!
Speaker : shirley
Listener : britta troy
Bravo!
Speaker : troy
Listener : all
Yeah, all right! Bring it! Woof, woof, woof, woof! Greendale!


Speaker : abed
Listener : troy britta
Hi, guys. That was really cool. I wish I knew how to tap-dance.
Speaker : britta
Listener : abed
Well, thanks, Abed. It takes a lot of hard work, but you could always take a class.
Speaker : abed
Listener : britta
Mm, pass.


Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
Hey, Troy. Thank you.
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
No, thank you. I mean, you looked so pathetic, you made going up there the most masculine option.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : troy
Troy! What you did up there really took guts. I'm impressed.
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
Thanks, Pierce.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : troy
Yeah. And such a creative way to tell the world you're gay.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Good job up there.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Thank you. Where's your date? Didn't she want to get my autograph?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Oh, she's getting a permission slip from the Dean to allow us to drive home together.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I heard you guys are official now.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Yeah, I guess. You actually had a big part in that. I mean, if I can handle having a girl for a friend, who's to say I'm not ready for a girlfriend?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Makes perfect sense. Break a leg.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Flowers.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Yeah. Is that... that's what people do, right? I was gonna throw them up on stage, but I thought they might catch fire.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
No, this is... this is good. You can hand them to me. Thank you.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
See you Monday.


Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Five letters... Broadway musical.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Annie.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Uh, six letters... to puncture.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Pierce.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
A water filter that starts with "B".
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Brita.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Okay. Here's a tough one, though. Uh, Helen of...
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Troy.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
Oh, damn, you're good.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Thank you.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
I never even heard of that last one.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
One of the two brother actors. Bridges. Four letters.
Speaker : abed
Listener : self
Hmm.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
I know. Bridges.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
I don't know.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : abed troy
Come on, guys. Can't you see the pattern there? Can you see it? It's Beau... Beau Bridges! These are all things you can see on TV... Except for Pierce... That's a misdirect.
Speaker : troy
Listener : self
Oh.
Speaker : abed
Listener : self
Hmm.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
I love misdirects.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
I love The Big Lebowski.




Community - 1x15 - Romantic Expressionism.HDTV.2HD.en.srt

Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Missed you at lunch today. Did you slip out for a quickie with professor hot stuff?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Her name is Michelle, and how did you know?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
There's a gold star on your fly.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
You weren't kidding.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
You know, it's nice to have a girlfriend with a sense of humor and one who recognizes good work.


Speaker : vaughan
Listener : annie
Oh, it'll change your life. Let me teach you the chords. See, that's "g." that's the most important chord. In my mind, it... it stands for "God."
Speaker : vaughan
Listener : annie
But not like a bible God, because I think that God is in everything.
Speaker : annie
Listener : vaughan
You're complicated.
Speaker : vaughan
Listener : annie
* Annie * * Annie, where are you going today? *
Speaker : annie
Listener : vaughan
Spanish class.
Speaker : vaughan
Listener : annie
* Spanish *


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Why is Annie talking to micro-nipples?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Vaughan? Whatever.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
you know what I don't get? He never wears a shirt. He never wears shoes. Why hasn't he died from lack of service?


Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
You watching another movie in your dorm tonight?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Kickpuncher, starring don "the demon" Donaldson as a cyborg cop whose punches have the power of kicks.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
That sounds awful. I'll bring the popcorn.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
Cool.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
Uh, you... you watch bad movies on purpose?
Speaker : abed
Listener : shirley
Yeah. We make fun of 'em.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
Shirley, don't embarrass yourself. I'm sure they don't want to invite a housewife.
Speaker : abed
Listener : shirley troy pierce
Actually, if she doesn't mind reinforcing the stereotype, I bet Shirley would have fun talking smack at a movie.
Speaker : abed
Listener : shirley
Care to join us?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : abed
Usually when a movie's bad, I stop watching, but this sounds college-y.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed
What time do you want us there?
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
Pierce, you don't want to watch a cyborg movie in Abed's dorm. You want to lay on your twin bed and think about what you used to be.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : troy abed shirley
What? You think I'm too old to make monkeyshines at a picture show? Come on. I'm younger than the three of you put together.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Yeah, you know, everyone talks about his nipples, but his feet freak me out.


Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Britta!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Hey.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
Hi.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Can I ask you something... About Vaughan?
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
Oh, yes. I still don't know if that's his first or last name.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
He's sweet, actually. I mean, you must have thought so.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
He has a sincerity I found attractive in a simpler time.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Would you... um, I haven't... we haven't... anything. I mean...
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
wow, you and Vaughan.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Would it bug you?
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
Well, what about you and Troy?
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Troy... The other day after Spanish, I thought he was trying to hold my hand, but he'd just mistaken me for abed. He'll never think of me that way.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
Well, Annie, I would have to be a villain to tell you who to date, which I am not.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Britta! Thank you. You're the coolest girl I've ever met.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
Damn right. Give me some fivesies. Whoo. Turning it into a snake.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Cool.


Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
hey. How's it going? Did you hear? It's cute... Annie and Vaughan.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Get to the cute part.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
She's into him. She asked for my blessing.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
And you gave it?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Yeah. I'm done with him.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Look, this isn't about you, you groovy hipster. It's about Annie. We're like her Greendale parents. You got to say no to that stuff.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
He's not that bad.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Yeah, not if you're 28 and you're fooling around with him. She's 18. Her taste in men is still being established. Creepier and creepier dudes will start thinking of her as an option, and it all starts with Vaughan. He's a gateway douche bag.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
People collide. Things happen. It can't be controlled, right?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
And that can be your toast at her shotgun wedding to starburns.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta starburns
Oh, yeah, turn to your left. Oh, now turn to your right. Yes, we can see both of them. It's like a constellation on your face.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : starburns
Oh, what's up, dude? Yeah.
Speaker : starburns
Listener : extra
That guy over there, he's a douche bag.


Speaker : abed
Listener : troy shirley
Hey, guys.
Speaker : chang
Listener : troy shirley
hola.
Speaker : abed
Listener : shirley troy
Hey, I hope you don't mind. I invited senor Chang. We're Netflix friends.
Speaker : troy
Listener : chang
Oh, that's cool that you're hanging out, drinking beers with your students.
Speaker : chang
Listener : troy
Yeah. Clearly, none of my other plans fell through.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
Let's get to the movie.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
Oh, I'm sorry, Shirley. I'll wait if you want to serve beverages.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
You gonna be waiting a long-ass time.


Speaker : troy
Listener : movie
Ooh, FBI warning... I'm so scared.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
Hey, that's not fair. I didn't know we started.
Speaker : movie
Listener : self
It is the year 2006 AD, and nuclear war has ravaged the planet.
Speaker : abed
Listener : movie
I must have missed that.
Speaker : chang
Listener : abed
Nice.
Speaker : movie
Listener : self
The wasteland between cities is a free-fire zone ruled by scavengers, drug dealers, and terrorists.
Speaker : troy
Listener : movie
Sounds like a Thanksgiving at my house.
Speaker : chang
Listener : troy
That's pretty crazy.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : all
He did it, though.
Speaker : troy
Listener : all
They just come to me.
Speaker : movie
Listener : self
You guys want to buy some mega dope? It gets you mega High.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : movie
Will it get me through this movie?
Speaker : abed
Listener : all
Shirley in the house.
Speaker : movie
Listener : self
Freeze! Police.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : movie
Freeze police? Don't do that. They'll get cold.
Speaker : movie
Listener : self
You have done so much for our city. Kickpuncher, is there anything that we can give you?
Speaker : chang
Listener : movie
Yeah, two hours of my life back.
Speaker : troy
Listener : chang
Nice.
Speaker : movie
Listener : self
Don't call me kickpuncher. Call me David.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : movie
"Directed by Kim Yang." Asian... Can't direct, can't drive.
Speaker : chang
Listener : pierce
Dude, I'm right here.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
So... Clearly we're all a bunch of funny people. When are we doing this again?
Speaker : all
Listener : pierce
Well, actually, tomorrow we were all gonna get together--
Speaker : abed
Listener : pierce
Tomorrow night we're all gonna get together to watch kickpuncher 2: Codename Punchkicker.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
Well, I was just warming up tonight. Tomorrow you better foam the runways, 'cause I'm bringing my "a" game.
Speaker : chang
Listener : self
Awesome.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Oh, my God. He's got her in some kind of hippie collar. I can hear her armpit hair growing from here. We got to do something.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Okay, even if I agreed with you, what are we gonna do?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Well, I know if we say we disapprove, we'll just drive her further into his hemp-braceleted arms. We need to be smart. We need to hatch a scheme.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Mm, hatching schemes is not really my wheelhouse.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Let's not confine ourselves to your wheelhouse. This problem won't respond to tap dancing or casual revelations that you spent time in new York.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Okay, if you're gonna get all upper East side about this, I think we're done.
Speaker : starburns
Listener : jeff
Hey, winger, check out Annie. Somebody just went to the top of my "to do" list.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Okay, we need to hatch a scheme.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Thank you.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
It's all very simple. In Annie's world, long before Vaughan, she only had eyes for Troy.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
So if Troy becomes a real option, Annie will drop Vaughan in a hippie's heartbeat.


Speaker : vaughan
Listener : annie
That's nice.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Crash course in manipulation... you don't actually tell the person what you want them to do. You help them realize they want to do it so it can't be traced back to you.
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
Chemistry... sexy. You know what else is sexy? Annie.
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
I know chemistry is sexy. But Annie? I don't see it.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
Well, every other guy on campus does.
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
You really don't see how pretty Annie is?
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta jeff
Maybe it's 'cause I knew her back in High school, before she dropped out. She had braces and acne and a pill addiction and a nervous breakdown ending with her running through a plate-glass door, screaming, "everyone's a robot!"
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
I see what's happening here. Troy, I want you to clear your head.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
Done.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
I'm gonna describe to you a complete stranger who happens to be in our study group.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Would you excuse us for a moment?
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
Annie?
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
No kidding.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
Come on, you got to be exaggerating.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
Oh, man.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
And she's Jewish?
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff britta
I can't believe I didn't see that. Well, I guess she deserves another shot. Oh, wait, never mind. It's too late. I Heard she's hooking up with Vaughan.
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
Only to make you jealous.
Speaker : troy
Listener : britta
What?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
What?
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
She's helplessly in love with you. She's only with Vaughan to get your attention. And you have to give it to her now.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Right, Jeff?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Sure.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
But the point is, we're not telling you what to do.
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
Oh, yeah, you didn't hear it from us.
Speaker : troy
Listener : self
I have the weirdest boner.


Speaker : movie
Listener : self
I saw you die. How can you be alive?
Speaker : movie
Listener : self
I guess it's just a bad day for drug-dealing terrorists and a good day for... Kickpuncher.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : comedyclub
All right, guys, you hear that pause right after he says, "and a good day"? What do you got for me there?
Speaker : comedyclub
Listener : pierce
And a good day for a nutritious breakfast.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : comedyclub
I don't get it.
Speaker : comedyclub
Listener : pierce
It's a good day for a terrible movie.
Speaker : comedyclub
Listener : pierce
A good day for hair products.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : comedyclub
Oh, buzz, how many times can you keep going to that well?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : comedyclub
Come on, guys. I'm starting to wonder if you even deserve to call yourselves a community college sketch comedy troupe. I told you, on movie night, I need to blow these punks out of the water. I need Phyllis Diller-grade stuff.
Speaker : comedyclub
Listener : pierce
Wouldn't you rather just watch a movie with your friends and have a good time?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : comedyclub
What are you, my third wife's therapist?
Speaker : comedyclub
Listener : pierce
What if he said, "it's a good day for..." And you said, "for being gay"?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : comedyclub
You're a genius.
Speaker : comedyclub
Listener : self
He likes gay jokes.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : comedyclub
What?
Speaker : comedyclub
Listener : pierce
I said we write great jokes.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : comedyclub
Don't flatter yourselves.


Speaker : troy
Listener : self
Whoa.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Hey... Annie. It's me, Troy.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
Oh, I don't know where abed is. I could try calling him if you want.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Nah, I'm not looking for my other half. I'm looking for you, girl.
Speaker : annie
Listener : self
Oh.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Yeah.	 Let that sink in for a second. You know, I never noticed how... Beautiful you are.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
Troy, you're being weird.
Speaker : vaughan
Listener : annie
Sorry it took me so long. They made me find a shirt.
Speaker : annie
Listener : vaughan
Vaughan, you remember Troy. Um, we went to High school together, and he's in my study group.
Speaker : vaughan
Listener : troy
Hey, what's up, man? Hi, bro.
Speaker : troy
Listener : vaughan
I'm not your bro... Bro.
Speaker : vaughan
Listener : troy
Oh, actually, everyone is my bro in the whole entire universe, you know, because everything's connected... rocks, eagles, hats.
Speaker : troy
Listener : vaughan
Yeah, well some things are more connected than others, like tarantulas and me peeing my pants... Or me and Annie.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
What? Wait. Troy, what?
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Tell him. Tell him that you've been in love with me since High school.
Speaker : vaughan
Listener : annie
What? Wait a minute. Is that true, mountain flower?
Speaker : annie
Listener : vaughan
No. I mean... I never want to lie to you, so I will tell you I did have feelings for him, but it's over, I swear.
Speaker : vaughan
Listener : annie
You're swearing? Like Britta swore that she didn't like Jeff and then gave him a copy of my poem so he could laugh at me with that Sherri Shepherd Lady? Oh, it's happening again. Your study group is evil. And you don't deserve ice cream.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Well, he's a baby. Now, where were we?
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
I like him. Why would you do that?
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Come on. Everybody knows you want a cut of the t-bone steak. Jeff and Britta told me how you feel.
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
Wait, Jeff and Britta did what, now?
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Oh, you're even hotter when you're angry. Let's do this.
Speaker : troy
Listener : annie
Red shoe diaries... I think you know I have a thing for butt stuff.


Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
To Annie's inevitable breakup with Grodie j. McConaughey.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
And to her and Troy. We did the right thing. They belong together. Plus, their babies will be so cute.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Why would you say that?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Come on. You know that babies are extra cute when their parents are...
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Both cute?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Do you want kids?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
We'll see. Put on something nice, and find me after lunch.


Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff britta
Hey, guys, thanks for getting involved in my love life. That was super cool and mature of you. Oh, and since you're both clearly idiots, I should probably let you know that I'm being sarcastic.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff britta
Hey, guys, thanks for taking ugly Annie out of the palm of my hand and turning her into yet another hottie that will never get with me!
Speaker : leonard
Listener : jeff britta
Hey, guys, thanks for eating all the macaroni!
Speaker : jeff
Listener : leonard
Shut up, Leonard. Nobody even knows what you're talking about.
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
I did eat all the macaroni. It's messed up that he knows.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
let's light this candle. Who's ready for some kickpunching?
Speaker : abed
Listener : pierce
Actually, we decided to watch runaway instead. Tom selleck fights mechanical spiders.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed
What? No, no, you can't do that. We just watched kickpuncher. We have to see kickpuncher 2. I have so many unanswered questions.
Speaker : chang
Listener : pierce
No, I want to watch tom Selleck fight mechanical spiders.
Speaker : abed
Listener : chang
Yes.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : chang
Me too.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
My brother died on the set of that movie. One of the mechanical spiders just went haywire and tore him to pieces. Tom Selleck just stood there. He just stood there and... and watched him die.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : all
Okay, then let... let's watch kickpuncher 2, then.
Speaker : abed
Listener : all
Yeah. Okay.
Speaker : chang
Listener : pierce
I'm sorry for your loss, man.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
I'm sorry, Pierce.
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
Yeah, that's messed up, dude.
Speaker : abed
Listener : all
kickpuncher 2.
Speaker : movie
Listener : self
My punches were only as strong as my punches, and then things changed.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : movie
Change? Time to change the channel. This guy's gonna be begging for change, he keeps making movies this bad. They should change this movie to something good. I wish this crap-apillar would change into a butterfly and fly away. That's change we can believe in.
Speaker : abed
Listener : pierce
Okay, obviously something strange is happening here.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed
What do you mean? I'm making jokes during the movie.
Speaker : troy
Listener : pierce
Yeah, but you're doing it with the speed and the determination of the incomparable Robin Williams.
Speaker : abed
Listener : pierce
Yeah.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed troy
Maybe I'm just that brilliant.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
I think you came prepared.
Speaker : chang
Listener : pierce
Dude, even I know you're lame, and I'm a tenured professor sitting in a beanbag chair.
Speaker : troy
Listener : chang
You're not a professor.
Speaker : chang
Listener : troy
Shut up, man.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
Fine! You got me. I did a little advance work. Pathetic? No, I'll tell you what's pathetic... you all sitting there making fun of other people's work. You don't feel good about yourselves, so you have to tear down everything around you. What's the matter? Mama Chang didn't breast-feed?
Speaker : chang
Listener : pierce
She read in a book that it wouldn't make a difference.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
You all sicken me! And I will no longer participate in your destructive, negative behavior.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
Pierce, that was deep and total BS
Speaker : abed
Listener : pierce
Yeah, this isn't about us. This is just a deflection because you can't get a genuine laugh.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
Mm-hmm.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : abed
That in itself is a laugh. I know I'm funny. I don't need any of you people to validate me.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : self
Mm.
Speaker : abed
Listener : self
Mm.


Speaker : shirley
Listener : self
Oh! Oh!
Speaker : pierce
Listener : all
Biggest laugh of the night.


Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
Then I was gonna say, "it's a good day to be gay."


Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Annie... We're sorry. We were worried about your well-being.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
I guess we feel like we're sort of all a family, and Jeff and I are like your Greendale parents.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
You're not my mom, Britta. She would never wear boots that go up that High. And what about respecting me as an adult and as a friend?
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
Oh, you want to be treated as an adult and a friend? Try not dating your friend's ex-boyfriend. Find your own man.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : self
Oh, my.
Speaker : abed
Listener : self
Oh, boy.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
But you don't like Vaughan.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
No, I don't, but I also don't like seeing him with anyone else. Ta-da!
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
I asked you if you cared, and you said no.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
Fine. I cared. I'm a girlie-girl. I like boys, and I don't like it when they're mean to me, and I don't like it when they stop kissing me and start kissing my friends. I'm not that cool. I'm not Juno, okay, homeslice?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
This is what it was about for you? You were jealous?
Speaker : britta
Listener : jeff
Oh, please, you can't tell me that you weren't jealous that Vaughan had his hippie hands all over your debate/make-out partner.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
What are you insinuating? I took that kiss for the team.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
What?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : britta
Yeah, that kiss wasn't for pleasure. It was strategic and joyless.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
What?
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Yeah.
Speaker : troy
Listener : jeff
You did get weirdly specific when you were describing Annie's body.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : troy
More specific than the stuff you told me about Britta?
Speaker : annie
Listener : troy
What?
Speaker : britta
Listener : troy
What?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
Does anyone get specific about me?
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
Check your email.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : pierce
I'll mark you as spam.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : shirley
Who the hell is Pam?
Speaker : abed
Listener : group
When you guys first came in, we were as wholesome and healthy as the family in the Brady bunch. And now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of the Brady bunch.
Speaker : shirley
Listener : group
I agree with abed. This is getting creepy.
Speaker : annie
Listener : shirley
No more creepy than when Jeff wears tight jeans and you say, "I'd like to slap those buns on the grill."
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
What?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
What?
Speaker : shirley
Listener : annie
First of all, I don't talk like that, and second of all, where I'm from, it's perfectly normal for women to talk about their male friends' backsides. And you don't see me saying anything crazy about abed and Troy's weird little relationship.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
They're just jealous.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
They're just jealous.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : group
All right, all right, maybe we're not a family. Maybe it's more complicated, because unlike a real family, there's nothing to stop any one of us from looking at any of the others as a sexual prospect.
Speaker : annie
Listener : group
Why are we even talking about this?
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Because you started having sex with Britta's ex-boyfriend.
Speaker : annie
Listener : jeff
What? We haven't even kissed.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : annie
That doesn't mean you're not having sex.
Speaker : annie
Listener : group
Vaughan told me he would take things as slowly as I wanted. He likes me for who I am, and I like him.


Speaker : abed
Listener : group
Do you guys hear that?
Speaker : vaughan
Listener : annie
Annie.
Speaker : annie
Listener : vaughan
Vaughan.
Speaker : vaughan
Listener : britta
Britta.
Speaker : britta
Listener : vaughan
Hi.
Speaker : vaughan
Listener : pierce
Old man river.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : vaughan
Eat me.
Speaker : annie
Listener : vaughan
Did you get my messages?
Speaker : vaughan
Listener : annie
No. I threw my phone into the river. I thought that, you know, if I can't be with her, who am I gonna call? And then I thought, you know, well, my landlord, my sister, and... You. Anyway, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching,
Speaker : vaughan
Listener : annie
and, uh, this is something I really need to say. * * * I see you when you smile * * and I want to sing a song * * but then I write the words * * and they always come out wrong * * they come out wrong * * I feel it in my fingers * * I feel it in my toes * * but then the words get frozen * * in my mouth like Eskimos * * I like your nose * * ooh ooh ooh * * ooh * * Annie * * ooh ooh ooh * * ooh * * Annie's song *
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
his songs are dumber than he is.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : pierce
Yeah, but they're honest.
Speaker : annie
Listener : britta
Okay. Vaughan wants to show me a cloud that looks like a Pumpkin... If that's okay.
Speaker : britta
Listener : annie
Annie, it's more than okay. Please date Vaughan.
Speaker : jeff
Listener : annie
Or anyone else outside this creepy circle.
Speaker : annie
Listener : group
I wouldn't hang out with you guys if you were creepy. Trust me. I have good taste.
Speaker : pierce
Listener : group
So just to be clear, I don't have a shot with any of you?


Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
I am kickpuncher. My cyber punch have the power of kicks.
Speaker : abed
Listener : self
Agh!
Speaker : abed
Listener : self
Aha. Oh!
Speaker : abed
Listener : self
Oh!
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
I am Punchkicker. Meet your match.
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
I love you, kickpuncher.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
The only thing beyond the reach of my fists is humanity.
Speaker : troy
Listener : abed
You're sure Britta couldn't do your part?
Speaker : abed
Listener : troy
I asked her. She wasn't available. Let's go film the sex scene.




Speaker: jean

	debate

		at the end of round one, City college: 50, Greendale: 8.

		jeff winger will now offer a two-minute rebuttal.

		greendale wins.

	jeff

		it's jean.

		none.

		but you just said how great i looked.

		she got 8. you got 0. it's a debate. not american idol.



Speaker: all

	chang

		yes, i would.

	pierce

		Well, actually, tomorrow we were all gonna get together--

	self

		oh.

		oh! ohh.

		Penis.

	duncan

		Wow.



Speaker: dean

	all

		Good morning. How do we turn this off?  Mother, you think you can come and help me turn it off? How do we turn this off? Can you help me with this? Oh, thank you, thank you so much. I didn't mean to snap. uh, good morning. Many of you are halfway through your first week here at greendale and as your dean, i thought i would share a few thoughts of wisdom and inspiration. What is community college? Well, you've heard all kinds of things. You've heard it's "loser college for remedial teens, 20-something dropouts, middle-age divorcees, and old people keeping their minds active as they circle the drain of eternity." That's what you heard. However, i wish you luck! Okay, you know-- uh-oh. Okay, there's more to this speech. There's actually a middle card that is missing. Can we all look around our immediate areas, 'cause i really wanted to--

		Good afternoon, Greendale community college. I am your dean with a few corrections to the fall class catalog. Cosmology should be cosmetology, astrology should be astronomy, and the students on the cover should be smiling, but I suppose that's a matter of opinion. Whoever is growing a small patch of cannabis behind the gymnasium, congratulations. You have won a cruise. Report to security to claim your tickets. In order to increase awareness of homelessness, security has been given binoculars. In campus news, the debate over our library's PA system continues with some students suggesting its volume be lowered, while others question its very purpose. More on that story as it unfolds.

		good morning, greendale community college. This is your dean reminding you That among your school's prestigious alumni Is mr. luis guzman, celebrated actor And model puerto-rican american. This friday, we will be dedicating a statue of guzman And unveiling our brand-new school song. So boy, i don't know about you, But this sure feels like a real college to me.

		much like a university would!

		But we will be next to it, using its $6,000 judge's table!

		all right, i am convening this disciplinary tribunal At our state-of-the-art judge's table, Which has its own built-in sound system, So take that yale. Our judges include myself, uh, dean craig pelton.

		well, it certainly--

		Well, it certainly sounds to me That this young lady's only crime Is being a hero and wanting to be taller. This tribunal is adjourned.

		and we're back.

		no, no. there's nothing In the bylaws about recesses, all right? The wheels of justice here don't stop Just because you--aah! Time out! time out! Save the table! save the table!

		One, two, luis guzman! oh! oh, oh! You know, greendale may never be harvard

		i'd like to introduce our student, pierce hawthorne, Who's written greendale its own school song.

		Why is Urkel ripping the antenna off professor Slater's car?

		good morning, greendale! Just a reminder, Our debate team will bring home The championship tomorrow versus city college. Go, human beings!

		whoo! And now, from city college, Jeremy simmons.

		uh, yep. they reserved it. Okay, they've got us by the short ones. The debate is suspended until tomorrow.

		Okay, you can hear this? okay. Good morning. I'm here to kick off the first day of new tradition At our school called "green week."

		all this week, greendale college Is becoming so earth-smart That we're changing our name to envirodale!

		Well, there's, um, also going to be A free rock and roll concert By a certain band called green day. Huh? that make you happy?

		whoo! whoo! whoo! okay, thank you. Green week was a rousing success Here at greendale. And now for our band, greene daeye! By the way, they're not the real green day. Thought we should just rip that band-aid off quickly. Okay!

		Oh, okay, the "p" word has entered into play. That's exactly why I wanted Gail, our school counselor, here, and Monique, who's keeping record, to ensure we discuss these sensitive topics in a legally appropriate manner.

		Happy last day before winter break, Greendale! Time to visit our loved ones. Some of you will travel as far as three Miles! Don't forget to visit our winter wonderland in the quad, where we're giving away catalogues of next semester's classes. Whoa, what's that sound? Is that the tippy-tapping of secular boots on the roof? Oh, well, it must be yet another sign that it 'tis the season, because rumor has it that non-denominational Mr. Winter is on his way to the student lounge!

		Ha ha ha! Merry happy!

		Guys, meet your new editor! Mr. Winger is very excited to help you bring a voice Back to the campus.

		Okay. You guys knock yourselves out!

	dean

		okay.

	jeff

		there is an olympic-sized pool there, yes,

		oh, okay, ouch, and yes. If you'd like, you may represent her. Dean you later.

		well, it sounds like there are two biases, One on each side, and i go both ways. Oh, let's strike that.

		I am impartial, so it should all work out. Okay. let's begin.

		ha. that's very funny.

		uh, absolutely.

		mm-hmm.

		oh, well. you're a very photogenic man. is that real bed head, or do you put something in there? can i? oh, it's crispy.

		you know, i did think those were less than personable, which is why i went with the full bodies in these mailers we have going out.

		jeffrey, did you not read the release agreement on the back of your registration form? i'm starting to see why someone used to be a lawyer. ha ha! up top!

		oh. goodness. look what we have stumbled onto-- an opportunity to help each other out. i suppose i wouldn't need this promotional campaign if i could announce to the press that troy barnes is playing football here.

		i think if you said, "jump," he'd say, "how high?" if you said, "stop," he'd say, "hammertime." you starting to get what i mean?

		you know, i didn't... realize before, but we should send those out to local businesses. hmm? law firms. lawyer... companies? legal... gatherings?

		i think so.

		yeah. yeah. we are developing the perfect mascot. no stereotypical identifiers from any race or gender.

		that is our human color wheel. it goes from seal to seal's teeth. what do you think?

		yes!

		no. i won't mail these out, but they are staying with me until the press announces that troy is a part of the team. and i want him at that pep rally tonight. reporters are gonna be there. we're gonna unveil the new mascot. and things are finally going to start turning around. oh, and...my ex-therapist is gonna think twice before he makes fun of my job!

		he can't move his mouth either. but take it from me, that's human for "hello."

		oh, mr. winger... Mr. winger, did you happen to hear My announcement this morning?

		i'm gonna assume that's sarcasm.

		so you didn't hear my announcement?

		oh.

		come on, jeff. I mean, who better than a former lawyer To really stick it to those city college snobs And their star debater Simmons?

		okay. no, no. Okay, wait. wait. okay, no, no. look. Listen, jerkwad-- i'm sorry. That got heated. Greendale needs a win. The best compliment our sports program gets Is that our basketball team is really gay, So what's it gonna take? You know, a plum parking space, Free meals, A night of companionship if you know what i mean.

		Hopefully, by then, we can get our act together.

		i just checked with the judges. They'll need a miracle to win in rebuttal. Simmons is finished.

		Oh, Sabrina is my new secretary.

		Isn't it great? Greendale is the latest campus to catch a case of public health fever!

		Uh, yes on single. She likes hip-hop and horses. Dislikes beards and... yeah, I was done talking.

		Ha ha! It was me. Sorry about the ruse, but I have something better Than exfoliating soap to rub on you. An opportunity. Mm. As you can see, I am resurrecting The greendale gazette journal mirror! And we need a student editor. Someone with real world savvy That extends beyond how to huff the ink.

		This would be your office.

		And you get an english credit.

		Jeffrey, I am the least racist person in the world. My best friend when I was six years old was a black man. Look, I've learned my lesson. I've got unlimited texting now. But if she runs that story, I will lose this job. And this job is my life. She listens to you.

		You do what you think is right.

		Jeff, I didn't expect to see you here. Hopefully, I'm not... interrupting.

		You know, we laugh... but the fact is, student/teacher relationships do happen, and they are a magnet for lawsuits. So we do stay vigilant. In fact, physically attractive students and faculty are actually placed on a watch list and are ranked by their potential to incite fraternization.

		You got it... number two.

		You guys be extra careful now. Two people of your rankings in this small a room... with this type of lighting and his upper body and what her heels and hemline are doing to enhance what were already quite a few favors from God... it's all the more important to keep it tasteful.

		Mr. Winger, there you are. Just got word of your relationship with Professor Slater. I'd like to see both of you in my office in half an hour.

		Well, for one thing, it's all over Twitter.

		Okay, well, now that your secret is out there, I'm just gonna talk you through this teacher/student relationship form, and then we can get you two on your very attractive way.

		Well...  First question. "How long have you been doing it?" Oh!  Not it. I mean this... dating.

		Mm-hmm. And... how long have you been doing it?

		Oh, it... hmm? Now... this is just hypothetical. Might you ever consider spending the night with a third person?

		Well...

		Just exploring your options, obviously. No agenda. I'll put "TBD". Would you describe yourself as boyfriend and girlfriend?

		I'll get the break-up form.

	greenedaeye

		oh, wow. Okay, what's this about, now?

	troy

		troy, did you know that greendale has a football team?

		troy, i was so sorry to hear about your injury. but now that you have recovered, we would love for you to play for the human beings.

		troy, all of your friends are lining up to turn greendale around. how about you?

		bros before hoes, troy.

		all right, well, uh... if you change your mind, the field is always open. oh, figuratively speaking. you know, wednesdays and sundays it's used as parking overflow for the mega-church. okay.

		Troy! Troy, all the condoms are faulty. As the best athlete on campus, I need you to run to my office and make an announcement before everyone leaves.

	slater

		Professor Slater, there's that transcript you wanted.

		You know, we laugh... but the fact is, student/teacher relationships do happen, and they are a magnet for lawsuits. So we do stay vigilant. In fact, physically attractive students and faculty are actually placed on a watch list and are ranked by their potential to incite fraternization.

		Yes, Professor Seven... Uh, Slater.

		Okay, then.

		You guys be extra careful now. Two people of your rankings in this small a room... with this type of lighting and his upper body and what her heels and hemline are doing to enhance what were already quite a few favors from God... it's all the more important to keep it tasteful.

		Okay, well, now that your secret is out there, I'm just gonna talk you through this teacher/student relationship form, and then we can get you two on your very attractive way.

		Well...  First question. "How long have you been doing it?" Oh!  Not it. I mean this... dating.

		Mm-hmm. And... how long have you been doing it?

		Oh, it... hmm? Now... this is just hypothetical. Might you ever consider spending the night with a third person?

		Just exploring your options, obviously. No agenda. I'll put "TBD". Would you describe yourself as boyfriend and girlfriend?

		Mm. Rarr!

	britta

		well, we're not gonna buy you an ice cream. Hi. dean pelton. What an entrance i got to make there. You would be Britta perry. I just spoke with senor chang, And i'm afraid greendale takes this kinda thing Very seriously.

		Your case will be reviewed By a disciplinary tribunal tomorrow In borchart hall. You could be facing expulsion.

		now, are those the high-heel boots He was talking about?

		are they comfortable?

		i'm just curious. they're cute.

		Isn't it great? Greendale is the latest campus to catch a case of public health fever!

		Because they keep getting stolen.

		Okay, I'm just gonna turn him around, and we're gonna cover him up. Okay, ladies, I am shocked at the reverse porky's that has happened here tonight.

		Now, why did you break in to see the penis?

	group

		hi, everybody. well, look at this group having some kind of meeting and being so diverse. there is just--boy! there is just one of every kind of you, isn't there?

		it's all right. don't let me interrupt. sometimes i just roll around campus like a little football. i can't believe this. here i am in a random conversation about football, and i'm talking to troy barnes, star quarterback from riverside high...whoa.

	duncan

		aye.

	self

		oh.

		oh. I hate this guy.

		whoo!

		hmm. this better not awaken anything in me.

		oh.

		I had no idea alcohol would make people horny. Makes me sleepy. I don't...

		Oh, man!

		Unh!

		No, that-- that was a good cover.

		Oh, boy.

		Ooh.

	extra

		Lashonda, can we please strike that?

		Step right up. Get a prize, not an STD. Oh, no, syphilis. Please, please, no, syphilis. Ow, it burns! Oh, that's gonna hurt.

	humanbeing

		let's get you into the pep rally!

		you did great in there!

	assistant

		okay, we need to redo these.

		well, print 5,000 more. I'm trying to save the planet, here.

	phone

		Aw... Hello? Um... wrong number.

	simmons

		eat that, simmons.

	gail

		Wow, I really do feel more comfortable saying that now, Gail.

	shirley

		yeah. my idea. it was the greendale grizzlies, but i thought that, um... well, a lot of these students have been called animals their whole lives. unfortunately, i don't know what to do about the mascot.

		Okay, I'm just gonna turn him around, and we're gonna cover him up. Okay, ladies, I am shocked at the reverse porky's that has happened here tonight.

		Now, why did you break in to see the penis?

	security

		Yeah.

		A 597? There's a dog-fighting ring in my office?

	pierce

		Pierce, okay.

		well, aren't you found money

		thanks for offering to help design the new mascot. i, uh, have been a little stumped.

		oh, i think it's-- oh. okay. it...looks a lot like you. um, here's the thing. if we are the human beings, you know, and we have a mascot that's just a white guy, what message are we sending? our symbol needs to reflect the diversity of our school and our species.

		no. no, because we're not the greendale blacks, mr. hawthorne, or the greendale asians or any other creed. we are the greendale human beings.

		excuse me.

		yeah, you're right. that beige is a little light.

		whoa, whoa, whoa-- what happened to the prototype?

		ooh. ow.

		oh, yeah, a desmond tutu with just enough cream to make it a lou diamond phillips.

		uh, let's do something for little people. ooh! or albinos!

	whitman

		okay.

	abed

		For the love of God, run!

	annie

		whoa! yoko ono much?

		he can't move his mouth either. but take it from me, that's human for "hello."

		i just checked with the judges. They'll need a miracle to win in rebuttal. Simmons is finished.

		A laser! Well, this isn't gonna be your mother's sexually transmitted disease awareness fair. You've been quite the little helper, Annie.

		Ah... You hear that, Annie? That's the sound of STDs screaming, "No! Stop being so aware of us!" Aah! And it's all thanks to you.

		Well, in recognition of all your hard work, I have decided that you should conduct the condom demonstration. You're gonna be center stage showing everyone how to put a condom on a, well, what my dad called a Jimmy Carter.

		Don't worry, not a real one. No, it's an anatomically correct model, you know. But trust me, eyes closed, you can't tell the difference. Okay.

		Okay, I'm just gonna turn him around, and we're gonna cover him up. Okay, ladies, I am shocked at the reverse porky's that has happened here tonight.

		Now, why did you break in to see the penis?

		I am not racist! I had 20 minutes to let people know That toni braxton was starting early And 273 text messages left before my rate tripled. Racial profiling may not be right, But it can be economical.

		I prefer "incompetent," but what I really want--

		Okay.

	chang

		Is this the best safe sex fair or what? Check out these condoms. All along the side it says "Greendale"! Exclamation point, my idea.

		Shut up, Ben!

	secretary

		Sabrina, take a note. I want hidden cameras in every stall.



Speaker: shirleyactor

	jeffactor

		we know you're living out of your car. Why, on lord's good earth, Are you living out of your car, boy?



Speaker: jeff

	all

		Hey, everybody. good morning. Good morning, sir. Good morning, greendale! hi! good morning! Watch the kite. uh-oh. Mind if i get a chance? oh! Look at this. one foot. Thanks, you guys. bring it in here. Nice. thank you so much, you guys. That was really fun.

		objection. i don't know what he means.

		the defense calls Britta perry.

		objection. my client did not cheat.

		yes, she did... But why? That's the real question, isn't it? The world wasn't the only thing that changed On september 11th.

		five-minute recess?

		Gentlemen... My client is insane.

		gentlemen, i'm sure you suspected... That ms. perry was pretty odd before the recess. But if you could've heard all the stuff She just told me in the shower, You would realize she is all the way out Of her entire damn mind. She doesn't want to succeed Because she doesn't think she can. So she goes out of her way to fail. That's crazy! But... Do we really want to make it a crime To be crazy at greendale? I mean, look at us. I mean, you two are arguing about status at a college That correspondence schools make fun of. Dean, you want so bad for this place to be ivy league That you are putting us at risk of electrocution. Everyone on this campus is nuts.

		if you want to rehabilitate your fellow inmate, you need to sentence her to staying here with us. Because if crazy people can't be at greendale, Where are we supposed to go?

	dean

		isn't borchart hall the pool?

		uh, is she allowed to have counsel? I mean, i may not be a practicing lawyer anymore, But relative to this place, i'm alan dershowitz.

		How can senor chang be one of the judges? He's the one accusing my client.

		dean pelton, i move this case Be thrown out of... The pool area!

		dean, i'm sure troy will sign up for football if and when some accident damages the part of his brain that feels pride. until then, would you excuse us?

		sorry to disturb you guys... who are clearly looking at a naked drawing of pierce doing jumping jacks.

		dean, a quick download, please?

		first of all...

		i'm flattered.

		i was thinking about the four disembodied heads, and i thought, where's the heart? where's the soul? where's the different poster design?

		mailers? i didn't give permission for this.

		if someone from the outside were to find-- okay, if someone from the outside were to find out that i am a student at a community college, that could have a negative impact on my future career.

		i think he's been pretty clear about declining that offer.

		no. i need another example.

		are you trying to blackmail me?

		wow.

		is that seal?

		i think not being racist is the new racism.

		so...troy is gonna play football.

		which means i'll be getting rid of these.

		i hang on every word.

		correct.

		i'm barely listening now.

		mm, pass.

		i'll do it for the parking space. And if you promise not to tell me what you mean.

		Gross. Dean, your assistant. Is she single? What are her likes and dislikes?

		Actually, dean, I'm resolved to spend this semester Being more...

		Relaxed...And awesome. This is the first desk I've seen in six months That doesn't have "zeppelin rules" carved into it.

		Well, that ain't bad neither. I'm in.

		Well, next time we're both hanging out having fun I could try cracking wise about it with her.

		You rank people by how hot they are?

		What the... none of you left the room. How is that even possible?

		We haven't even admitted to being a couple. In fact, this is all based on hearsay, worse than hearsay. Pierce's Twitter account, in which he says he's 47 and teaches a women's-only pilates class.

		We don't have to answer that.

		That's not on there!

		Eh...

	extra

		Shouldn't be too hard to fake a study group, right? Oh, geez, I'm sorry, I, I was raised on TV and I was conditioned to believe that every, Black woman over 50 is a cosmic mentor,

		Yes, I'm so sorry. It's Seinfeld.

		hey, man. my name's Jeff. I'm trying to lock down the rest of my schedule Before the deadline. I heard this class was a cakewalk. Are you passing it? Do you like dane cook?

		so far so good.

		Beat it.

		Small coffee, please.

		85--go long!

		nice catch!

		Look, I really need to liquidate some assets. It's an emergency situation. What kind of an offer is that? These are mint condition issues. The premise alone is priceless. The guy has the powers and strength of a spider. No, your incredulity perplexes me, nerd.

		Has this always been here?

		Hey, it's Jeff Winger. Well, I wanted to see what you were doing tonight. What do you mean, do I know your name? What kind of a question is that? Of course I know. Well, if I answer now, you'll never learn a valuable lesson about trust, Jennifer.

		Excuse me, I received a text message About free sephora samples.

	starburns

		Oh, yeah, turn to your left. Oh, now turn to your right. Yes, we can see both of them. It's like a constellation on your face.

		Oh, what's up, dude? Yeah.

	thug

		Okay, we get it. You and the A-team are awesome. Now beat it.

		If you're trying to be menacing, maybe don't call the cookie by its name.

		Who's there?

		Why don't you get going, Chuck Norris?

		You picked the wrong day to correct my Spanish, no sleeves. It's on!

		No, I want to beat the crap out of you. And I'm gonna enjoy it, because you're just like this school. You're obnoxious, you're cramping my style, and you smell like French-fry oil.

		Three O'clock, bike rack, But not the one by the parking lot!

		Yeah.

		Can I ask you a question? Are you perpetually on your way to the gym?

		Well, 'sup?

		'Sup?

		'Sup? 'Sup?

		'Sup? 'Sup?

		'Sup? 'Sup?

		All right, just one sec. These are very expensive. All right...

		Your name's Mike, right?

		Mike, I'm not gonna fight you. I have a friend that believes this is the time of year where you put aside your differences, and you make peace. Me... I don't believe in any of that, but I do believe in friendship. And as much as I hate you and the cast of breakin', I have to ask myself, what would Shirley do?

		I think...

		That she would shake your hand and wish you a Merry Christmas.

		Not the moneymaker. Not the moneymaker!

	troy

		Shouldn't you guys be studying?

		Listen, it doesn't matter. You lose the jacket to please them, you keep it to piss them off, Either way It's for them. That's what's weak,

		Word 'em everywhere.

		hey, Troy sneezes like a girl.

		what'd i tell you? Okay, but, uh, never again.

		No you are not

		I am not 40. I can hear you through the window, morons.

		a movie of the week.

		did you know they had a football?

		you sure you made the right call on the football team, troy? it looks like they won something once. "most valued customer. henderson trophy cases."

		Hey Troy, can I talk to you for a second?

		Do you ever miss being a quarterback, Troy?

		You still know what to think, Troy

		For instance, after Dean talked about you playing football, you and I were thinking the same thing

		You were thinking, what if Troy did play for Greendale You'd be surprised how many of your favorite football players got started at community college

		Who's your favorite player?

		Maybe you and I should checkout the Greendale Thunderdome

		the dome arrives later. it comes with thunder. let me tell you a little secret about me, troy. every day on my way to school, i drive through downtown past the courthouse just to get a glimpse of the world that i once ruled. and i just wanna jump out of my car, run up the steps and... exploit the legal system for profit. but i can't. i'm locked out of my old kingdom. you're not. you see what i'm saying?

		i'm saying you're a football player! it's in your blood!

		your soul.

		your eyes?

		that's homophobic.

		that's racist!

		when you played, you were a god. now you're not playing, and you're not. i'd tell you to do the math, but math isn't important. the only thing that's important is this.

		annie said that benjamin button was compelling. look, she's a smart girl, but sometimes she's just wrong.

		it's like a drug, isn't it? feel it, troy. throw it! the scoreboard lights up. there will be a scoreboard there. it's complete!

		the girls, the glory, the scouts, the career! it starts when you join this team.

		look, you can meet them later. but this decision has to be yours, t-bone. and this decision has to be yes.

		because you're a football player, and your name begins with "t." your name begins with "t."

		what?

		you got the most you were ever gonna get out of football in high school. a life of disillusionment and depression begins on the other side of that door.

		well, buckle up, troy. i was exaggerating. it's kinda my gimmick. let me tell you something--

		yeah.

		what?

		Okay, uh, guys? I'm at a grownup Halloween party, all right? You're all being unseemly.

		What makes you think that?

		I'd offer but my dad's kind of racist.

		what do you think?

		Whatever you do, don't tell Shirley about the fight. She'll start in with all her mother-y, guilt-inducing powers. You know what I mean?

		Yeah, I got some... theories.

		Technically, no. I guess I'm too charming and likable. Call me a name.

		And a good one.

		Guys, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but, uh, I think I got this.

		Good plan.

		'Sup!

		'Sup?

		That's pretty good.

		Idiot.

		It is hard to think of another word.

		Why do you guys do stuff like this?

		Come on, guys. Can't you see the pattern there? Can you see it? It's Beau... Beau Bridges! These are all things you can see on TV... Except for Pierce... That's a misdirect.

		Well, every other guy on campus does.

		I see what's happening here. Troy, I want you to clear your head.

		I'm gonna describe to you a complete stranger who happens to be in our study group.

		But the point is, we're not telling you what to do.

		More specific than the stuff you told me about Britta?

	reporter1

		You got chops, kid, but we need your talent On a bigger story. Pizza wars--who's got the best slice in town? Start with big nick's. Bring us a large, with sausage.

	reporter2

		You. I heard a rumor that riley's liquor is Selling to underage students. I need an undercover expose. Find out how much they'll sell you Of anything cold and imported.

	shirley

		is that even close?

		Shirley has a response to that.

		please, Shirley.

		Hey, Baby.

		Yeah. Shoot!

		Let's do it.

		So you've got a kid, right?

		Nothing.

		I know a lot of grown men With radar dishes coming out of their ear.

		Yeah, go, go, gadget incontinence.

		I know! He's the worst! Vaughn?

		It's perpetually moist.

		I am so glad to be able to talk to someone about this. I wanted to say something to britta about it, But we're supposed to be friends now, And she'd think i was jealous.

		Shirley, we're not pandas in a zoo.

		That is not what i want to see.

		Shirley, did you see senor chang's socks today? Tiny bullfighters.

		Look, i'm trying to be a good friend to britta. She thought i was gonna make fun of him, But i want to be unpredictable. I am gonna show her that i am not the jerk she thinks i am And friend the hell out of That green-Tea-Drinking drum circler.

		Not engaging.

		No!

		No!

		You are the devil.

		Donde vaughn ustedes los sabados?

		"Did you ever notice where the ocean meets the sky, did ya? It's the same wizard blue that i see in your eye, brit-Ta."

		Yeah.

		Look at this, look at this. That is the stain of a teardrop over the word "rad."

		I am surprised he can read.

		You know?

		He's more like a puppy with a fish mouth.

		We shouldn't show that.

		Britta is never gonna forgive me. I can't believe i showed you that poem. Oh, my god, my life is degrassi high.

		Hey, look at the size of that woman's earrings. It's like little dogs should be jumping through them.

		Look at them.

		Shirley, don't do this. Look, we can still hang out. It's just, you know, we won't bag on people.

		I was a lawyer.

		Well, we'll always have "tiny nipples."

		Details.

		Details!

		Details!

		Oh, hey. Awkward. How small is this campus?

		Oh, thanks, Urkel.

		Really?

		I'm not living in my car. I'm just sleeping in it for a couple of days while I work at some problems with my condo. It's a very temporary issue. I've got to pay some meaningless fees and then they'll put my locks back on the door and that'll be that.

		britta's trying to give up cigarettes.

		I can get dates anytime I want.

		He meant we were figh... ...ting.

		December 10th?

		I don't think my brownie's working.

		Again, it's December 10th.

		No, no. To me, religion is like Paul Rudd. I see the appeal, and I would never take it away from anyone. But I would also never stand in line for it. And look, Shirley, the die has been cast with this crazy bully guy. He picked on Abed, and he corrected my Spanish. So you go to your party, and I'll see you soon.

		Well, you don't get to. You're not my mom.

		Oh, come on, Shirley, don't be mad.

		That's "mom" for mad.

		Yeah!

		Actually, I was gonna say merry semester and happy new one.

	britta

		oh, hey! spanish.

		whoa.  I wouldn't dream of it. I just wanted to let you know about my spanish study group.

		i'm taking the class as an easy credit. I'm actually a spanish tutor.

		Board certified.

		yeah, i was willing to bet, i'm Jeff. Or "Jefe". We meet at the library at 4:00.

		You gonna be there? Un po' di piu'. That means "See you there".

		Bienvenuto! Hey, all right, come on in.  I got the whole table. Welcome.

		Yeah, here's the, uh, contact sheet. Just put your stuff there. Man. Rest of the group is running late. But you and i can get acquainted.

		yeah, i like big talk. what's your deal?

		what's your deal and is god dead?

		You'd be surprised what gets back to these guys.

		Marry me.

		honesty?

		ah, that's a good deal.

		uh, i would have to go-- I would have to say, um, honesty, Because, I would say anything to get what i want. And i want you to like me. So, uh,

		really? Wow. you're easy.

		I just need five minutes, you guys, So go ahead and study all the verbs,in spanish.

		you guys aren't gonna believe this, But the rest of the group, Is here.

		uh, listen.

		yeah, but they're filtered, so that makes them safe.

		yeah, not mine, actually. I think Abed took out a page on craigslist. And i was trained never to say this, But i think that group may be untutorable.

		so why don't you and i go study over--

		or drinks.

		i'm certified.

		Yeah, untutorable. You like Thai food? I love Thai food.

		Why can't you see that for the compliment that it is? Ok, ok. I'm sorry. It was an accident. I did a little bit of lying  to get close to you. But how was I suppose to know that you were smart and cool, I mean, you look like Elisabeth Shue.

		What do you want me to do?

		Okay, if i do that, then dinner, right?

		Oh, you're gonna eat those words when you see my new car.

		Fine.

		Really?

		You know what today is? The two-week anniversary of my horrible first impression.

		Not specifically, but if you think of grandsons as a metaphor for friendship, I think you'll agree with this transformer here that it's time for ours to become a man. By reading from the Torah.

		Exploit them? They're my friends.

		She said I was cute.

		What are the odds?

		I gave Abed my shirt because I'm not selfish, which is something I guess you'll finally  discover while we are working on this. Tomorrow night? Dinner, drinks.

		Thanks. I like what you've done with the place.

		I am. I'd be happy to show you the ropes.

		He is paraphrasing.

		He's jumped in the fountain. He's fine.

		Morning.

		Nice try. It's actually secretary's day, and it says that I'm sorry about crashing your protest with that drunken, self-immolating baby boomer.

		Well, how do you know I didn't do it just to get another shot at you?

		No, I know. I thought of that.

		Britta.

		Britta.

		i have to plan in advance How to prove that i live in the moment. I mean, i'd rather take an actual class, But now it's too late to drop or add.

		hey, if you're making a documentary About Britta patting herself on the back, You're gonna need a backup battery.

		guys, guys, stop it. stop it.

		Britta back up. stop.

		professor Whitman comes by here every morning And i need him to see me celebrating life. What's all that?

		um, all money is spending money.

		happened yesterday. Shirley's just doing her homework.

		drop the flower.

		ask him.

		abed is not normal. That's what you bought When you intentionally tangled yourself in his life.

		i've got problems of my own! I'm out here trying to seize a day!

		What in the hell? Is he gonna kill us?

		hey.

		i lied to get you here Because it's time to communicate.

		it's not the two of you that need to talk.

		All right, now, the only reason Why this whole mess got started Is because both of you wanted the best for abed. And i think the lesson we can all take away from this Is that everyone should always do Whatever they want and leave each other out of it.

		The point is is that Britta is sorry, right?

		guys.

		guys!

		he's not normal.

		it's not exactly citizen kane.

		that feeling is called the joy of freedom.

		honey, let him leave the nest.

		sorry.

		you owe me. That cannot be comfortable for you.

		yeah. fooled you.

		Yeah. I forgot to stagger the timing of my exit with shirley's. We both have a class across campus, and i can't go That kind of distance with "ooh, that's nice."

		No. that's not nice.

		Yeah, but i'm a sprinter. I am at my best during high-Speed bursts of wit. On a shirley walk, i'd be winded by that stoner tree.

		Interesting. 'Cause i might be worried If i was playing hacky sack a decade too late.

		All right, but i just wanted to point out That we easily walked more than 100 yards With no awkward pauses, And that is the sign of a true friend.

		There's the awkward pause.

		Hey.

		Hey, i'm fine. How are-- Want me to, uh, Want me to check you for grass stains?

		Uh, first of all, Friends do not make fun of each other, Even if they're being tackled in the quad by a hippie, And secondly, vaughn seems cool.

		Oh, no worries, brah.

		Oh, i'm good.

		Where do we go on saturdays? You said sunday.

		Oh, he--He's very cute.

		School?

		Dinner mints?

		Not having sex?

		How was that?

		Herpes?

		A poem?

		Well, it's a very good question. And it's one i will answer. Uh-- Ooh, i'm getting a text. I am just gonna read it, if you don't mind. I am reading it, and it is read.

		No, i know, and i'm sorry. I am really sorry. I am really, really sorry, And i will go talk to vaughn if you want me to.

		Oh. Oh.

		I know, and i'm sorry, But i was in a tough position. I couldn't handle just being one of the girls.

		Is there a spot on the friendship spectrum Between total stranger And having to hear about the guys you date? And ideally, just a notch underneath Driving you to the airport and painting your kitchen?

		Done. And if i'm occasionally naked in your dreams, I won't complain.

		I know. She's got a problem. She stirs the pot. She's a pot stirrer.

		so...i guess the cell phone number You put on the study group's contact sheet was fake, Which i just learned in the awkward conclusion Of a month-long text message affair with a dude from boulder.

		that's okay. Just give me your real number. I'll cleanse my palate while kevin rethinks his marriage.

		uh...pass.

		remember when we used to study spanish?

		so... Wow.

		yeah, well, when we first met, Like you were up here and i was here, and now... Oh, wait, i gave a quarter to a dirty bum today.

		hey, if you show up with me, follow my lead, And deny everything, you'll walk. That's the winger guarantee.

		i can neither confirm nor deny that. See how good i am?

		miss perry... Did you make that crib sheet?

		what are you doing out there?

		you're on trial for cheating! Fa--look, we'll be fine. I just have to go back out there And make the case that you're a good person--

		wait a minute. Wait, is that what you thought i meant? Britta, look at me. Look at me!

		no, look how handsome my face is. If all i wanted was sex, I could get it from plenty of women Without having to go through all this crap. I'm here because i like you, And i--i'd be psyched to be your friend. I just didn't want to take sex off the table Without doing my due diligence.

		well, why wouldn't you?

		wait. i think we have our defense.

		no problem. just glad you're here.

		girls go in groups. did you learn nothing from stand-up comedy in the '90s?

		well, then you should know that nothing says "i'm a woman" like doing it with me.

		Oh, I have a conflict. It conflicts the enjoyment of my life

		Speaking of enjoying a life, I don't want to beat a dead horse here, but are you sure you don't see anything not platonic ever crystalizing between us?

		OK, good. Because one of my professors is really hot, and I wanted to give you the first ride of defussal

		Oh, hey. Awkward. How small is this campus?

		Well, it's funny, I enrolled here as selfish loner, but you and the group have given me a crash course in friendship.

		She's grading papers.

		What are you doing here?

		You had to have one to get in here, Squirrel.

		I don't know what you're getting at.

		Okay, uh, guys? I'm at a grownup Halloween party, all right? You're all being unseemly.

		Britta, I don't care about your high school soap opera.

		In fashion, I'm what's known as a tastemaker.

		And next month, so will Gwen Stefani. Here comes Vaughn. Bye.

		I'm not living in my car. I'm just sleeping in it for a couple of days while I work at some problems with my condo. It's a very temporary issue. I've got to pay some meaningless fees and then they'll put my locks back on the door and that'll be that.

		Believe me, kitten, Winger's got moves.

		Wanna see my place?

		No, my real place. The condo board's trying to bluff me by listing my place as available. Look at those faucets. Handcrafted in Italy. 100% expensive.

		Yeah. Move on with my life. "Shmove shmon shmith shmy shmife. " This condo is all that's left of me. Every part of it is a part of who I am.

		That part's for resale value. And Saturday afternoons.

		There's a silver lining here, isn't there? You're attracted to bums.

		Come on. Why don't you have dinner at my place? I got a hot plate that plugs into a cigarette lighter.

		Stop! That's my house!

		In the last two days, I spent a quarter.

		There's a communal bathroom down the hallway. It actually helped me come to terms with losing my condo. You don't sit on a toilet like that until you've left the material world.

		This is Pavel. He lives next door. He's from Poland.

		Knight Rider marathon.

		What are you doing? That was the Jeffersons, honky.

		But they had good times.

		Jeez, you are way out of your element here.

		Thanks, coach. Can you turn the tv back on?

		Italian faucets, handcrafted. These look like... Wait... I made this notch to indicate optimal cleansing temperature for combination skin. These were mine?

		You're into me.

		Look at all this work you're doing just to have me around again. You were may more attracted to me than you were willing to admit.

		Yeah. Clearly.

		I saw how much you missed me, and smelled what happens to Pavel on cabbage night, and realized the world was better off with me in it. Thanks... For, uh... Caring.

		would have been nice to have that option 27 minutes ago.

		britta, i'm saying this Because i care about you And you're my friend. You need to start smoking again.

		ten-to-one says it's him.

		you yelled at me too.

		wow. wow.

		How was hypnotherapy?

		you realize this will never end.

		* wa-wa *

		yeah, but it didn't do any good. My head still hurts from all the yelling. And my pupils are more sensitive to light Because he yelled at me so much.

		fake outrage? justify my-- Yeah, that's it. i'm out of here.

		uh... He's getting a refill on his void.

		mm, kinda.

		It has been a dry spell. But that's only because it's been a while since I've tried. So I'm trying.

		Yeah, I can see that. This is a lot of outgoing calls. "Car wash redhead. Tube top, REM Concert." "Juror number six." That sounds aboveboard. At least you have "mommy" in here. It's not my mom.

		You saying "dude" is not cool. What are you doing?

		You're welcome.

		You're right. I can't believe I haven't seen it before now.

		Well, I'll be here... Rethinking my way of life.

		Call mommy.

		Take a vote.

		They won't.

		Last name Beeswax, first name none-a-ya.

		Stop it!

		Well, then she would know it was hers.

		Come on... we're not making fun of you. But obviously, you kept it a secret because you saw the irony too.

		There are exceptions to the rule, but even when Jerry Rice went on dancing with the stars...

		Good job up there.

		Oh, she's getting a permission slip from the Dean to allow us to drive home together.

		Yeah, I guess. You actually had a big part in that. I mean, if I can handle having a girl for a friend, who's to say I'm not ready for a girlfriend?

		Yeah. Is that... that's what people do, right? I was gonna throw them up on stage, but I thought they might catch fire.

		See you Monday.

		Her name is Michelle, and how did you know?

		You weren't kidding.

		You know, it's nice to have a girlfriend with a sense of humor and one who recognizes good work.

		Why is Annie talking to micro-nipples?

		you know what I don't get? He never wears a shirt. He never wears shoes. Why hasn't he died from lack of service?

		Yeah, you know, everyone talks about his nipples, but his feet freak me out.

		Get to the cute part.

		And you gave it?

		Look, this isn't about you, you groovy hipster. It's about Annie. We're like her Greendale parents. You got to say no to that stuff.

		Yeah, not if you're 28 and you're fooling around with him. She's 18. Her taste in men is still being established. Creepier and creepier dudes will start thinking of her as an option, and it all starts with Vaughan. He's a gateway douche bag.

		And that can be your toast at her shotgun wedding to starburns.

		Oh, yeah, turn to your left. Oh, now turn to your right. Yes, we can see both of them. It's like a constellation on your face.

		Oh, my God. He's got her in some kind of hippie collar. I can hear her armpit hair growing from here. We got to do something.

		Well, I know if we say we disapprove, we'll just drive her further into his hemp-braceleted arms. We need to be smart. We need to hatch a scheme.

		Let's not confine ourselves to your wheelhouse. This problem won't respond to tap dancing or casual revelations that you spent time in new York.

		Thank you.

		It's all very simple. In Annie's world, long before Vaughan, she only had eyes for Troy.

		Crash course in manipulation... you don't actually tell the person what you want them to do. You help them realize they want to do it so it can't be traced back to you.

		Would you excuse us for a moment?

		What?

		Sure.

		To Annie's inevitable breakup with Grodie j. McConaughey.

		Why would you say that?

		Both cute?

		We'll see. Put on something nice, and find me after lunch.

		This is what it was about for you? You were jealous?

		Yeah, that kiss wasn't for pleasure. It was strategic and joyless.

	abeddad

		wow, i can't believe i missed out On getting involved in this.

		guys, guys, stop it. stop it.

		Sir, you have a right to your faith And your family's privacy. But abed is an adult and a u.s. citizen.

		and he has the right to stay.

		wait, what?

		they're coming.

		All right, now, the only reason Why this whole mess got started Is because both of you wanted the best for abed. And i think the lesson we can all take away from this Is that everyone should always do Whatever they want and leave each other out of it.

		interesting. hadn't seen the iraq metaphor, but--

		got it!

		guys.

		guys!

	debate

		This feels so formal. Let's just talk. People are evil. They can't help it.

		take jean here. She spent a lot of time this morning Making herself look so lovely.

		man is evil.

		When i talk about people being evil, I could cite quotes or dig up statistics, But those are just words and numbers. I think we could have a little more fun If i express myself in song. * evil woman * * ba na na na na * * evil woman * I knew you could do it. That's my time, everybody. Thank you very much. Yeah!

		in the stanford prison experiment, 21 out of 21 students, when given absolute power, Abused and tortured their fellow students. My competitor likens people to pure, falling snow. I would respond, "there is none righteous. No, not one." Now i realize mr. simmons' quote Was from the great franz wickmeyer. Mine was just from a simple desert handyman Named jesus.

		abu ghraib.

		hate crimes.

		ketchup is a vegetable.

	group

		I'm gonna go to the bathroom And bring my jacket, wallet, and keys with me In case there's a fire.

		all right. Look at this crew. All ready to study all night.

		but who studies with strangers, right? My name is Jeff.

		you know, i've been a part of a lot of study groups that fell apart because of unresolved tension. Shouldn't we address Annie's concern?  Did we not invite her?

		Dirty Dancing.

		Uh, I'll be right back. But while I'm gone, you guys need to hash this stuff out. No stone unturned. Go!

		All right, everybody! I want to say something. Everybody, sit down.

		You know what makes humans different from other animals?

		We're the only species on Earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do. For the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you it's name is Steve, and go like this. And part of you dies just a little bit on the inside, because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil. We can forgive a shark. And we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for Screenwriting.

		People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome, but I can never admit that, because that would make me an ass. But what I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. She's driven. We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce. We need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer.

		We should listen to him sometime. We wouldn't regret it. And Shirley. Shirley has earned our respect, Not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. And don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was way too specific to be improvised. And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? Maybe he is. You think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No! They're trying to impress their high-school prom king. And Abed. Abed's a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup, because you know what? Soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You are just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself.

		I want you to look to the person to your left. Sorry. Look at the person sitting next to you.

		I want you to extend to that person the same compassion that you extend to sharks, pencils, and Ben Affleck. I want you to say to that person, "I forgive you."

		You've just stopped being a study group. You have become something, unstoppable. I hereby pronounce you, a community.

		I agree with Abed that tonight has been very special. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a dinner engagement with Britta.

		Britta?

		And I'm happy to report that one of the benefits of being a lying creep is having all the answers to tomorrow's test. And I'm happy to share them with anyone whose time I've wasted more than they've wasted mine.

		I make things up, and I got paid a lot of money to do it before I came to this school-shaped toilet. I was a lawyer.

		I don't have any of the answers. I'm gonna-- I'm gonna flunk the test.

		I am me, Well, the funny thing about being smart is that you can get through most of life without ever having to do any work. So, uh, I'm not really sure how to do that.

		Oh. Were you waiting? talking about your interesting personal lives and your cool emotional problems. I just feel like I never have anything to offer. Truth is my life is emptier than this three-ring binder.

		So what's a guy got to do to get a "C" around here?

		you guys, i found it. the ultimate blow-off class. Professor Whitman. he thinks he's in dead poets society. There's no tests. there's no work. It's just "day seizing." The deadline to enroll is tomorrow. I suggest you all do it.

		you guys, are we going to study spanish Or keep getting involved in each other's personal lives?

		29 seconds.

		it's a study group and a pizza. Let's not get carried away.

		I am gonna go save britta from that dude.

		flattering. But if i'm gonna cheat, I'm not gonna write information from a book Onto a piece of paper. That's practically learning, for god's sakes. Whoever made that crib sheet wasn't a real cheater. Just...insecure and naive.

		now let's meet the minimum requirements for a language credit, shall we?

		Enough. I want you guys out of here.

		The next person that offers me charity or pity will be mentioned by name in my suicide note.

		in a way, all of you are right. Okay, what was i tuning out?

		guys, what makes you think i can convince chang of anything If i can't even convince you not to make me do it?

		you want me to risk the "c" That i'm pulling in that psycho's class By putting myself on his radar? I mean, that guy goes any more nuts, He's gonna win a grammy.

		because i have you guys.

		fine. i'll do it. But when you find my body, don't believe the suicide note.

		uh-huh.

		if anyone should be disappointed, it's me. What kind of a group threatens to kick someone out Unless he helps them?

		helps himself? I don't think i like being talked to that way!

		that's what you guys want.

		You know, i thought hanging out with you guys Was the worst way to pass spanish. I was wrong.

		thanks. What are you guys talking to me for? You go dance!

		Some mysteries solve themselves, don't they?

		Ooohh...

		Oh, come on.

		What is this, some kind of joke?

		You know what I have? Finals. Are we cramming for Spanish or not? I need a 65, or I'm gonna flunk the class.

		Guys, this is a subject that breeds conflicts. Can we please do...

		I'm agnostic.

		As an agnostic, I'm gonna bring my winning smile.

		And thanks to all of you for showing up and having my back when we fought those fly dancers. So, uh... Merry...

		Let's get one thing straight. I wish I was still a lawyer. I'm only here because I'm hot for britta, And I don't want to be anybody's friend. Just kidding. Bring it in here, ya knuckleheads! You know, I gotta say I took a look back At the guy I was last semester, And I realized that guy was a drag.

		No, the truth is this is a new semester, A new jeff. Greendale is where I am, And I am gonna make the best of it.

		You know who you guys sound like? Me, from last semester. Cynical, elitist, Rakishly good-looking.

		Hey, don't ask me. Dealing with problems ain't my job no more. My new job is hanging out, having fun, And cracking wise.

		Hey, buddy can sing, you guys. Wow, that's great.

		Did someone say something about a meeting To discuss member policy?

		Holy crap. Wow. It says here some guy in seattle went nuts And killed his entire driver's ed class With a meat tenderizer.

		Everyone stop studying.

		Does anybody have a problem with how that was handled?

		I invited him. Buddy's crime is thinking we're cool. But I get it. I mean, if I were him And I missed out on you guys, I'd be sitting in that classroom, Watching, wondering. So how can I exclude someone from something That I'm so lucky to have? I say we let him in.

		Well, has anyone called him?

		Can't I be the friend in the group whose trademark is his well-defined boundaries, like privacy smurf, discreet bear or... confidentiality spice?

		You all remember Michelle Slater, my professor from last semester? As most of you may realize by now, she's the woman I've been seeing lately.

		The important thing is we all understand Professor Slater and I need this to be our little secret. Everyone understand that?

		What the... none of you left the room. How is that even possible?

		All right, all right, maybe we're not a family. Maybe it's more complicated, because unlike a real family, there's nothing to stop any one of us from looking at any of the others as a sexual prospect.

	buddy

		Well, I appreciate that, but-- Did you just teleport here?

		Well, you already broke the only rule I have. The rule about worrying about rules.

		Annie's pretty young. We try not to sexualize her.

		no, no, it's fine, it's fine. It's just a little nosebleed. I get 'em when it's dry And when my face gets kicked.

		Buddy, yesterday the group took a vote. And you seem to have figured out the rest of it.

		Oh, come on. Be relaxed, like me. Leave.

		Buddy, just be reasonable and go.

		Okay, so since buddy's not leaving, He'll just be the person who we wish wasn't here While we study. Try getting that deal from hitler. Shall we?

		No, you're not.

		You're not in the group.

		Hi, buddy. Welcome to the group.

	duncan

		If these guys knew you like I did they would have given you a small office.

		you got to stop saying that.

		Well, 2002 was a simple time.

		i'm a student.

		uh, i am in a bit of a jam. The state bar has suspended my license. They found out my college degree Was less than legitimate.

		now i have to get one from america. and it can't be an email attachment.

		yes, and i'm hoping that our friendship Will yield certain advantages. You know, academic guidance,

		moral support, Every answer to every test For every one of the classes that i'm taking. Here's my schedule.

		okay. Duncan, you, did seem less into integrity The day that i convinced 12 of yours peers that when you made that u-turn on the freeway And tried to order chalupas from the emergency call box, That your only real crime was loving america.

		thank you. Duncan, you are a good man.

		No, and if i wanted to learn something, I wouldn't have come to community college.

		I couldn't stop watching them. There's a guy going for the track, that's older than the game of poker. He's kinda cracking.

		i would say, "go for that," And could have said so in a text.

		i discovered at a very early age That if i talk long enough, I could make anything right or wrong. So either i'm god or truth is relative. And in either case, booyah.

		duncan, you don't have to play shrink  To protect your pride. I accept. you're chicken.

		No, I'm just using regular psychology on a spineless, British twit.

		a six-year-old girl could talk to you that way.

		No, because you're a five-year-old girl And there's a pecking order.

		thank you.

		Hello.

		What's wrong with your voice?

		I knew you could do it, buddy. Thank you.

		The satisfaction of being even.

		What do you want from me?

		My car for a semester's worth of answers?

		You know, bluffs this weak are how your people lost the colonies.

		What am I supposed to drive?

		Yeah, so is wiping your butt with a leaf, but it's not how a man gets around! A golf kart!

		Why are people trying  to teach me things At a school that has an express tuition aisle? Give me the keys.

		probably the same as teacher life, But less tragic, because i get to leave.

		Britta?

		you know, you have the savoir faire of a hyena. How is it that you and james bond Come from the same island?

		How can senor chang be one of the judges? He's the one accusing my client.

	self

		Bienvenido.

		oh,they will be, untutorable.

		She looked back.

		jackpot.

		holy...war.

		shazbot!

		it's showtime.

		crap.

		Whoa. Shirley would have said something funny about that guy.

		Oh, no.

		He must have heard us call him inspector gadget.

		yes!

		"i'm jeff. and i'm a student at greendale." that's not good.

		damn it.

		I can't believe I'm doing this.

		What in the Pink Floyd?

		ooh.

		"You will get aids."

		"Unless you go to the STD fair."

		Crap! Ahh...

		That's not enough.

		Oh! Ow!

	humanbeing

		holy crap!

		Bite me.

	leonard

		oh, come on, leonard. If you're gonna argue with me, put on a bathing suit.

		Shut up, Leonard. Nobody even knows what you're talking about.

	simmons

		i don't care, dude. I'm doing this for a parking space.

		dude, leave her out of this.

		that's it. dude, we are gonna debate The living crap out of you.

	slater

		Bernoulli's one of my favorites. Little-known fact, statistics were not his only love. He's also famous for his French sauce used on meat and poultry.

		Oh, we may need to settle this at a restaurant.

		Are you being sarcastic, or am I nailing it?

		Oh, damn it. Starting over. Hey, you in the skirt, date me.

		Thank you.

		You know if you agree to go out with me...

		I'm barely a student. I'm older than you. I drive a Lexus. I saw "Ghost Busters" in the theater. Look, my gums are receding.

		Have a cup of coffee with me. I bet I can change your mind.

		There you go, pretty lady.

		Showing you my non-student side.

		You're reminding me of my first time too.

		No, with an attractive woman at a party. We seem destined to repeat history.

		What friends? I have no friends. I hate everyone here but you.

		Oh, well, when you say "classmate", It sounds like we take naps together and eat paste, but what's great about community colleges is that a lot of the students are just as mature as the teachers.

		Well, where were we, little doggie?

		Yeah. Crap.

		Please sleep with me. Please. Pretty please. I'm so lonely. I haven't slept with anyone in a very long time, and you are so good looking. Please do me the favor of having sex with me.

		I promise. I promise.

		Just... Just keep walking. Don't make eye contact.

		I, uh... I think I have to say goodnight.

		Uh, no. Um, they're my classmates.

		Professor Slater, quick question.

		I'm actually kind of seeing someone right now, thank you very much.

		Fine for now. She's smart and pretty. But sometimes I feel like she's just waiting for me to stop talking and take off my pants.

		I've never been someone's dirty little secret.

		Wow, you do like statistics, don't you?

		Hey, midterms and whatever.

		It's dead.

		I have study group right now, and nobody uses intercourse to mean anything other than sex.

		This is a wall of windows. My study group's behind it.

		As soon as we touch, the blinds will open, and six annoying but loveable misfits will be staring at us.

		Fine.

		Mm-mm.

		See? All good.

		Sweet.

		Wow, it's on there.

		What?

		It's semantics, really, isn't it?

		The best friend ever.

		Michelle.

		I got freaked out by that boyfriend label. I'm... afraid of commitment.

		Look, the biggest truths aren't original. Truth is ketchup. It's Jim Belushi. Its job isn't to blow our minds. It's to be within reach, so the truth is... I get claustrophobic when things get official.

		Let's get back to it. Should I get the door?

		Yeah, but soon as you say it, it can get complicated and messy.

		Because when you say it, later on, you might have to un-say it.

		Boy, that guy's really taking a pounding in this conversation.

		I really liked what we were doing. And if the ratio of work to pleasure can really stay at that same level, I don't care what it's called. I'll do it. Let's do it.

		Okay.

		Okay.

	vaughn

		You in line?

		Oh, no, i was just gonna see if britta--

		Hmm.

		Tight. Yes. I've heard that about green tea.

		Yeah, give me some of that.

		So britta said that you did a lot of community service.

		And what makes frisbee ultimate?

		You know, i'm gonna really-- I am gonna think about it.

	chang

		That doesn't sound fair to me at all.

		Your breath away? Well, tough.

		How can senor chang be one of the judges? He's the one accusing my client.

		she confessed to protect her classmates, Because you were threatening to flunk everyone!

		Oh, look, it's the eavesdropping matador.

		What?

		You going to the faculty party? Make me your plus one.

		Give you 20 bucks.

		Please slow down, please

		Watch it!

		She blew you off too, Chang.

		It's this campus. It feeds on my coolness. I... I got no moves anymore.

		What is it?

		can i ask you a personal question, senor chang?

		did your wife leave you?

		well, when you pick juries, You learn to read the little stuff. Same shirt twice in one week. teaching us the word "esposa" means "liar." The picture of you with a woman With a post-it note dialogue balloon above her head That says, "enjoy it while it lasts."

		mm.

		stop salsa dancing. of course i know.

		yeah. you look like you would have to. I'm not surprised you said that.

		uh, are you offering or collecting?

		dude, you are gonna be fine.

		you just have to move on. And if you hang out with me sometime, You will see how great single life can be.

		yeah.

		absolutely. Oh, shoot. My spanish study group has to get together every night now. You know, you have been really Letting us have it with this homework.

		yeah.

		fantastic. that is fantastic. everybody will be so happy.

		right. yeah.

		here's your jacket. let's do this.

		thanks.

		hey, when you go out with me, it gets crazy. That's the winger guarantee, huh?

		ooh, yeah, i want to. It's just the quiz, you know? Study, study.

		you know, i knew i could do it if i applied myself.

		cher--cherry daiquiri.

		daiquiri.

		let's see. "I took a computer class..." The apple store. Adorable.

		and the saleswoman had manzanas gigante. Ruined it.

		seven times! Seven different women agreed to marry that guy. it's cra--

		come on man, it-- come on, don't do that.

		yeah.

		no, no, it's fine. It's just--buddy, you know...

		i can see that you're hurting. Um, but i have to get to accounting. And it's not like i'm hitting strip clubs With professor whitman.

		what?

		well, i'll have to think of something. Let me rest gently on your pecs.

		actually, i had an idea for an extra credit project.

		i didn't tell her you wanted to talk.

		thank you.

		"True or falso or none of the above?" That doesn't make any sense.

		Senor Chang, can you do something about this?

	pierce

		i was just going to ask.

		definitely!

		Pierce! Let's discuss this creepiness.

		Are you unaware that Shirley Finds your advances inappropriate?

		Pierce, I'd like you to say, "I forgive you."

		I don't have a study group, Pierce. I made it up.

		An excuse to punch a hippy?

		I deserve that.

		You keep getting married.

		Shouldn't you guys be studying?

		You smell nice. Vitamin P.

		I'm not much of a sausage guy, Pierce. Maybe next time.

		Yes.

		I can't. But you can, so that's fine. So, the assignment is to,uh, write a Spanish conversation using those five phrases.

		We don't need to make this a long evening. We can just..

		What? No!

		To the irony of that sentence.

		Well, I guess that it's... I think it's Britta.

		Why don't we start with me saying...

		Our assignment.

		Oh, My God in heaven.

		What we have so far? We have something incredibly long, and very confusing, and a little homophobic. And really, really, specifically, surprisingly, and gratuitously critical of Israel. And it's called "two conquistadors", should probably be "dos". I mean, it is a Spanish class. Oh, which reminds me, the only thing not included in this epic are the five phrases required to get me a passing grade.

		I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're gonna take this, and we're gonna  put it in a museum for crazy people. And then we're gonna take this, and memorize five phrases from it tomorrow morning before class. Good night.

		No. This is my definition of you trying way too hard, and me finding it harder  and harder to stay polite. Now this was a fine enough way to spend an evening, devoid of hope, but a woman I kind of like is out there in the moonlight caring about something stupid, and this is my chance to show her that  I care enough to act like I care about it too.

		That was it? That would've been great if I had done that two hours ago!

		It's a protest, Pierce.

		Pierce, I got an idea. Why don't you go get a cup of coffee, and hold some waitress hostage with a monologue about your sperm.

		Pierce, I understand that if you don't want to be my friend, but this thing we've created... It is bigger than the both of us, and it deserves to be done right.

		You ready, amigo?

		Thanks Pierce

		She's behind you. Not interested.

		Pierce, we are not making fun of you.

		Pierce, we were not making fun of you.

		We're making fun britta's boyfriend, vaughn.

		Pierce! Pierce, give me your ear-Thing.

		sorry to disturb you guys... who are clearly looking at a naked drawing of pierce doing jumping jacks.

		that's a falcon with a gun. now it's a falcon with an erection.

		wow.

		is that seal?

		Nice one. I'm not much of a costume guy.

		Pierce. Pierce. Pierce. Stop grinding on the women's studies department. You are too old to be tripping.

		You are too old to be tripping!

		You are too old to be tripping.

		Is that a death befitting a Beastmaster?

		I'm coming in there, Pierce.

		Well, when we go to floating skeletons with our problems, we get what we pay for, don't we?

		Pierce, I don't know how you spent the first 60 years, but I know in the last two months you've probably doubled the national average for amount of life lived per lifetime.

		Yeah. And, more importantly, you're dressed like a gladiator in a desk fort that you built during a bad trip. If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive, you're a hero to everything that's ever lived.

		Yeah.

		I'd like to be there when the band finds out.

		can you help me block out people's voices I find extremely annoying?

		Okay.

		I haven't.

		Unfortunately, I always know what you mean.

		I doubt it.

		You got that from "I doubt it"?

		Is there a pill that makes the word "no" clearer?

		I'm sure you're right.

		Well, I don't know the precise date, Pierce, because I'm not you, so there's no receipt.

		Hi, Pierce.

		That's nice.

		No, no. Because I didn't try. Because taking a date to an STD fair would be lame.

		Pierce.

		This is Sabrina. About 30 seconds after you walked away, I asked her to be my date for the fair, and she said yes.

		Yeah, I did.

		Yes, I am. Wait, how'd you do that?

		Wow, me in a dune buggy. With syphilis. This is going on the fridge.

		That sounds like the worst combination plate ever.

		I stopped. I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, she's hot. I think this place is sapping my life force.

		Oh, I'm sorry, I was waiting for that to become inappropriate or racist. What happened to Doreen?

		Oh, man, that... that is rough.

		You'll get there.

		Cheers.

		Tell Doreen I say hi.

		I'll give you 250 if you don't finish telling me.

		Pierce, I'd like to commend you for letting that one go.

		For the same reason that I floss, have a bed frame, and keep my guitar in its case... I'm over 23.

		So help me if that jerk-weed made me fail.

		Whatever you do, don't tell Shirley about the fight. She'll start in with all her mother-y, guilt-inducing powers. You know what I mean?

		No, thank God. This is the moneymaker.

		Guys the plan here isn't for me to get hit. It's for me to hit him.

		Guys, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but, uh, I think I got this.

		Not if that's bad.

		What are you doing?

		I got hit in the face, like, four times before you punched me.

		Pierce, thank you.

		You're wrong, Pierce. It's two guys. Sometimes I do wish you were dead.

		I don't think it's like that.

		I feel if you need to explain it, it's not just like that.

		Everyone can hear you.

		Yeah, but they're honest.

	doreen

		Do you know a lot about wine?

		You know, you are not what I expected. You're smart, you're classy. You're not wearing go-go boots.

		That is going to suck.

		Trust me, I know girls I can converse with who are way more annoying. I will take "tinkles" over "we need to talk" every time.

		Doreen... it was very nice to meet you.

	whitman

		yes, i'm new. But i'll be old too soon. Carpe diem, sir. carpe diem!

		oh, yeah. his name's Pierce. I-i can talk to him for you.

		what? listen, i-i have never lived Until i met you. I-i love you. Oh, there's one down. nine to go. Not that i need the grade or even want it!

		you... This is no way to teach accounting!

		good morning, professor Whitman.

		damn it.

		Professor, will you look at the amount of work That i'm putting into this? I mean, throw me a bone!

		what does that mean?

		Hey, professor whitman.

	abed

		Abed, nice to know you and then meet you in that order. Now about that question that i had--

		Abed?

		what's the deal with the hot girl from spanish class? I can't find a road in there.

		holy crap. Abed, I see your value now.

		why?

		oh, i can't think of a single logical reason why not.

		there you go. Oh, hey, here. Put your contact info down right there. That's right.

		it's probably just for your eyes.

		Well, it's just, You probably,  it's probably just for your eyes.

		do you have to pee?

		hmm.

		well, i'm stumped. That's very creepy. That's very creepy.

		no, it's just someone With a misguided grasp of abbreviation.

		I just need five minutes, you guys, So go ahead and study all the verbs,in spanish.

		you guys aren't gonna believe this, But the rest of the group, Is here.

		where's Britta?

		it's the coolest.

		Well, uh, that-- That actually was from The Breakfast Club.

		Yeah.

		Yeah?

		Well, you have Asperger's.

		Well, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

		That was for you.

		No, Abed, I don't want you to bring my car around. I'll bring yours around, good guy. You get going, all right.

		You want to trade cards? I'll give you 20 bucks.

		50 bucks.

		What?

		All right, fine. Give me your card.

		I have no idea.

		abed?

		no, are--are you going to take the class?

		hey, if you're making a documentary About Britta patting herself on the back, You're gonna need a backup battery.

		Right?

		well, that went well.

		i don't want to be your father.

		definitely christmas.

		i'm okay.

		no, really. i don't need anything.

		okay, i will get a small, black coffee.

		so, abed, how's film class?

		yeah? did you go to class today?

		not really. Well, Britta's paying for those classes. Don't you think maybe you should go?

		Britta.

		i think you are really weird, abed. And i think the wrong person just left.

		i don't want to be your father. I think you are weird, abed.

		i think you are weird, abed. And i think the wrong person just left.

		I am not 40. I can hear you through the window, morons.

		yep.

		i don't think so. let him enjoy it.

		not sure.

		yeah, they got us.

		abed, it makes the group uncomfortable when you talk about us like we're characters in a show you're watching.

		Okay, uh, guys? I'm at a grownup Halloween party, all right? You're all being unseemly.

		Abed, you're not Batman.

		Batman?

		Are you staying for the party?

		Can I live with you?

		Top.

		I don't think so.

		How are you so satisfied all the time? Don't you ever want anything more out of life than cereal?

		And some day you will know it by its true name, "diabetes. "

		I'm sorry?

		Is it the lips?

		Can I not be Kurt Russell?

		I could use a break.

		Tv's the best dad there is. Tv never came home drunk. Tv never forgot me at the zoo. Tv never abused and insulted me, unless you count Cop Rock.

		Doesn't it?

		Cool.

		Cool cool cool.

		I'm heading back. Pavel's making babka.

		Abed, it's open!

		I checked into a motel and I'm looking for apartments. You would've been fine with me staying there forever?

		You're pretty cool, Abed.

		Thanks.

		ridiculous.

		i have no idea what you're talking about.

		Thanks for dumbing that down for us.

		Because doing more than the minimum work is my definition of... failing.

		Uh, maybe you should just hang back.

		Whatever you do, don't tell Shirley about the fight. She'll start in with all her mother-y, guilt-inducing powers. You know what I mean?

		Technically, no. I guess I'm too charming and likable. Call me a name.

		Guys, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but, uh, I think I got this.

		Why do you guys do stuff like this?

		Of all your pop culture fixations, This is one I can work with, abed.

		When you've earned it.

		And with buddy gone, Staying that way will be a lot easier.

		That's enough.

		Who are you kidding, abed? I just dragged a screaming, crying man Out of a library with his pants down. No. Martinis are for hawkeyes. I'm the same uptight jerk I was last semester.

		The one with, uh, the army.

		Ooh. What's in it for me?

		I guess that's the upside, isn't it? Thank you...Radar.

		Come on, guys. Can't you see the pattern there? Can you see it? It's Beau... Beau Bridges! These are all things you can see on TV... Except for Pierce... That's a misdirect.

	annie

		Made it up. That's what I do.

		My Lady.

		Annie, Do you have any Spanish notes that might fit in there? Double-spaced. Thank you.

		Pierce will beat that in one minute.

		Well the galaxy is not going anywhere, I'll bring him back

		i'm not having a conversation with someone who emerges from a bush.

		no. because i'm not in a commercial for breakfast cereal. look...the dean has pictures of me, okay? horrible pictures of me... attending his school.

		maybe you should tell him you're hopelessly in love with him. high school must have been tough, huh? waiting for a superstar to notice you. but here...here... he's all alone, and he needs so much help! did you enroll in all of his classes, or were you worried that might freak him out? the important thing is that you are there for him. the important thing is that you are the only one there for him. and you don't really care what he wants... just as long as you don't have to share him with the rest of the world. because, really, you are just as selfish as i am. you're just not as good at it yet.

		profound, but technically meaningless. and don't bother trying that thing that women do where they walk away and make the guy feel like crap, because it won't happen! yeah!

		hey.

		look, i'm, uh...i'm really sorry about before. i just think we were both wrong.

		mm. okay, maybe i was a little more wrong. i should grow up and make peace with being here. i mean, it's not like greendale's gonna kill me or anything.

		this has the potential to be a uniquely greendale experience. milady.

		I'm definitely gonna try to swing by.

		Here's the thing...

		Are you trying to get formidable with me?

		Infomercials work on Pierce.

		This won't work. The last time you did this, I saved a vial of your tears and have been slowly building up an immunity.

		Look, I will come to your party.

		annie, i was a lawyer. I was a debater for money. I think i can handle this.

		never, because it's stupid, and i don't care.

		what do you mean i can't beat him? You and i are gonna study harder Than we've ever studied before And beat city college tomorrow.

		no, who am i, iCarly?

		look, six months ago, i was a lawyer. I wore suits. I used to say stuff like, "objection" and "sidebar." Now i'm losing a community college debate To Jeremy "Soul Patch" Simmons.

		We've got some preparing to do.

		uh!

		i have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.

		i hate it.

		well, agreed, but if you want to win, You need to loosen up. Go off book, robot debater.

		yeah.

		yeah.

		us. Kissing. That is ridiculous.

		yes. um, okay. The people are inherently evil.

		yeah. You know, maybe we should study alone.

		separately.

		Bye!

		well, i can get another one.

		i know. we're so in sync. It's like a perfect duet or great s...

		well, um, congratulations, buddy.

		oh, that's okay. i'm working on mine by myself. You could do my homework next time. See you in class.

		Sorry, not interested...

		Congratu... horrible!

		That's a hard-hitting question, annie. Are you a reporter?

		Well, now you love the streets. You're my ace news hound.

		We can do anything we want. It's greendale. Now go find me that story.

		You don't need to remind me.

		Okay.

		Have you called the number that sent it?

		I'm just saying it's not exactly watergate. I mean, you like the dean. He's trying to help you transfer.

		Annie, as your upbeat friend, I gotta say let this go.

		Didn't anyone tell buddy he was out?

		And you are not running that story!

		Because I said so!

		Annie, I'm sorry that I yelled.

		Well, it was nothing.

		We have an agreement to keep it low-key.

		Hey.

		Annie... We're sorry. We were worried about your well-being.

		What?

		What?

		Because you started having sex with Britta's ex-boyfriend.

		Or anyone else outside this creepy circle.

	jean

		I didn't catch your name.

		Tell me, jean. How many people bothered to tell you How great you look today?

		for my own selfish purposes. The fact is, as hot as you look, And it is quite hot, I wouldn't have said anything.

		i only got 8?

	secretary

		in ignoring your very important cause. Hi, I'm Jeff Winger.

		My casual friend and I are gonna have a non-romantic breakfast if you'd like to join us.

		Is it me, or are horses the most beautiful creatures? They're so majestic.

		I mean, just this morning when I was shaving and listening to the new Jay-Z, I was thinking about how I want to squeeze in a quick gallop this weekend.

		Can you ever really own a horse?

		I thought you'd never ask.

		Not as much as I should.

		What? I'm not a professor.

		I'm a student.

		Yeah, it's pretty much Yikers for me too.

		Mmm... You know, uh...

		I can't do this.

		Keep it.



Speaker: troyactor

	self

		donde esta la biblioteca? me llamo t-bone, la arana discoteca.

		manteca, bigote, gigante--

	pierceactor

		this is wrinkling my brain.



Speaker: pierceactor

	troyactor

		get a load of these wrinkles.

	all

		hey, i'm top of the class.

	jeffactor

		hi, i'm pierce hawthorne.

	self

		my leg. i hurt my leg. aah!



Speaker: thyg

	jeff

		So?



Speaker: brittaactor

	jeffactor

		jeff, stop being so relaxed. we need to talk to you about...



Speaker: thug

	abed

		Hey. Hey! You took all the winter-doodles. What are you, a douche bag?

		No, there's only macadamia nut cookies there, okay? I have a tree-nut allergy.

		Ha ha! That did not even make allergic sense. What are you, an idiot?

	extra

		Give me a snowman, dork!

		Look, if he doesn't show up, We're definitely going to Applebee's, right?

		I'm getting into a fight no matter what today, dude. No matter what! Look who showed. Oh, check him out. Ahh...ahh!

		Cavalry's here. Shirts off, boys!

		Come here. Come here.

	jeff

		Oh, look at that. Pretty boy standing up for bird face over here. Give me a winter-doodle.

		Oh, you're funny. You're a funny man. Want to hear something funny, funny man? Knock, knock. My fist up your balls!

		This ain't over. There won't always be a Dean around. All right?

		Hey, look at that. Forehead's taking a test.

		Did you just shoo me?

		Dude, I will shoo your nose down your throat!

		Que pasa here, huh? It's usted, dude. Even I know that.

		You wanna dance?

		I don't get it!

		Right! The one by the trash cans near the orange cones where they're building the wheelchair ramp!

		Oh, well, look who it is. We got forehead, old head, dumb head, and, uh... the other head. See you at 3:00, forehead.

		See this, funny guy? Huh? Huh?

		What's up, dude? No backup today? Huh? Looks like grandpa and weirdo couldn't show up to get their teeth knocked out, huh?

		Dude, my life is a gym!

		'Sup, man?

		'Sup?

		'Sup? 'Sup?

		'Sup? 'Sup?

		Whoa. Dude, what is that?

		Dude, you wear a bracelet?

		What would Shirley do?

		What would Shirley do?



Speaker: troy

	all

		greendale, we're number one! nancy pelosi is no fun!

		everybody shut up! I'll kick all your asses! But y'all have to come up here!

		And if any of you mention my dancing outside of class, I will break off your legs and use them to smash in your friends' cars.

		Yeah, all right! Bring it! Woof, woof, woof, woof! Greendale!

		They just come to me.

	dean

		listen, man. no offense, but i was the best, and i finished on top. i wouldn't play for this school with a 10-foot pole.

		Dean, I am not the best athlete on campus. Abed is.

	jeff

		that means you do my homework, right, Seacrest?

		Wait, you're that girl that got hooked on pills and then dropped out. You're little Annie "Adderall".

		Feet.

		Yeah, things got kind of boring after you left. Let me ask you something. People becloud me for wearing this jacket ever since I got here, but  If I take it off to make them happy, That just makes me weak, right?

		Wow. You just wrinkled my brain, man.

		You just, like, study for, like, an hour. It's not that hard. You seem pretty smart. You got a sports coat.

		No pressure.

		Word 'em up.

		Well, we're headed to the demonstration.

		Some cause Britta's into.

		That dude is crazy... He told me girls have two pee holes.

		i'm in.

		and how about i pound you like a boy? That didn't come out right.

		We are krumping.

		I miss being the best at something, miss having a coach I miss knowing what to think

		Oh good

		That dude looks like Moby

		Oh really? Name one

		Me. Woah

		you're saying i could be a lawyer.

		that's racist!

		that's racist.

		that's gay?

		that's black.

		damn.

		yeah, but annie said--

		is that linebacker a pregnant woman?

		how did you know my nickname's t-bone?

		troy! troy! don't go in there, man.

		you told me football was the most important thing in the world.

		no, let me tell you something. you know that keg flip that cost me my scholarship?

		i hurt myself on purpose.

		there was a scout coming to the final game at riverside and...i couldn't take the pressure, so i took the easy way out. but when you showed me that field, i saw there was nothing to worry about here. i could just play football for the fun of it. i mean, have you seen these guys? there is nowhere to go but up.

		i don't know about you, but i know i ended up here because things weren't that great out there. you should try accepting where you're at, man. take a pottery class or something.

		Jeff, Pierce took something, and he is tripping balls. He is touching people and dancing weird. it's like grumpy old men but not hilarious.

		She's pretty hot.

		Jeff. Jeff! Jeff. Pierce is freaking out. You're the only one that can help.

		He says he's gonna kill himself, but he doesn't want us to call 911, because he doesn't want to get in trouble for taking drugs.

		have you seen the film department's web site?

		wait, you are convincing!

		you are hilarious.

		ignore what she's doing. we are serious.

		you got a weird forehead.

		we found the stupid rat. And abed's gonna shut up about it now.

		No. I'm wearing this Jesus bracelet 'cause it gets me chicks.

		You're a pretty big dude. Probably got some moves.

		I can't.

		First time I got punched in the face, I was like, "Oh, no!" But then I was like, "This is a story".

		Yeah.

		Fight lessons in a half an hour?

		'Sup? 'Sup?

		No, it's a question. 'Sup?

		Not a real question, a rhetorical one. You have the answer. He does not. Okay, then you give him the forest Whitaker eye.

		Mm-hmm. Okay, hold that stare. There you go. Hold it. Then you look straight through his eyes and deep into his soul.

		I couldn't think of another word.

		'cause it's fun?

		Yo, I need my genitals.

		Maybe it's 'cause I knew her back in High school, before she dropped out. She had braces and acne and a pill addiction and a nervous breakdown ending with her running through a plate-glass door, screaming, "everyone's a robot!"

		Done.

		Annie?

		No kidding.

		Come on, you got to be exaggerating.

		Oh, man.

		And she's Jewish?

		I can't believe I didn't see that. Well, I guess she deserves another shot. Oh, wait, never mind. It's too late. I Heard she's hooking up with Vaughan.

		Hey, guys, thanks for taking ugly Annie out of the palm of my hand and turning her into yet another hottie that will never get with me!

		You did get weirdly specific when you were describing Annie's body.

	troyactor

		cut, cut. Let me ask you a question. do you hate this? Do you hate doing this? Do you?

		Just hold on.

	abed

		Right. What do you want to do?

		Hola, mi llamo Troy

		La biblioteca esta en la ciudad

		You have horrible breath right now.

		thanks for the pizza, abed. i was starving.

		no.

		no.

		no.

		[Dorky voice] Ew, i'm saddam hussein. Ew.

		[With jamaican accent] Hey, man, coming through. I love de desperate housewives.

		[Snotty guy voice] I am dr. Doogie seacrest. I think i'm better than everyone else because i'm 40.

		Just pretend like you're asleep.

		yeah, luis guzman is on a private jet from hollywood, Because he can't wait to have that conversation with you.

		because he called me on my cell phone.

		you don't know?

		i'm president obama's nephew.

		i didn't know if i could trust you. But now it's time to tell you everything-- Starting with me inventing the ferrari.

		hey, man, that stuff i said this morning wasn't true. I was just messin' with you.

		yeah, as a joke. You've never had anybody mess with you before?

		yeah, i know, but let me explain to you A few things about how this works. Uh, first of all, i cannot be got, Because i am not gullible like you. Secondly, you are not good at this, Because you are not believable in your face, okay? Your face? it's bad.

		um, also... You gotta ride the line between believable and-- what are you writing in?

		yeah, but what are-- what language?

		what are you doing?

		you trying to mess with me?

		yeah. You did.

		stop. stop doing this right now.

		i never thought you were. But this is insane, okay? Those are credible alien hand movements. You invented a whole language. I'm pretty sure you rented a green screen.

		it would be less creepy If you were actually an alien.

		no. From now on, abed, friends don't mess with each other. okay?

		cool?

		you're getting a little sloppy.

		mm.

		How many?

		Yeah!

		will you shut up, fart head?

		Hey.

		Can I ask you something I always wanted to ask the real Batman?

		Am I good looking?

		I knew it.

		I'm Batman.

		I'm Batman.

		Candy corn looks like tiny traffic cones.

		At, like, a candy traffic school. Like, a little gingerbread man at the wheel, and he's drunk.

		You'd be driving, But you keep wanting to eat yourself.

		That's one of my biggest fears.

		If I ever, like, woke up as a donut.

		I wouldn't even question it.

		It's cool to know other people think about this stuff too.

		yeah.

		why am i crying? what, i accidentally listen to come sail away by styx again?

		What? that dude gets it.

		simmons got robbed.

		Let me talk to you. can i talk to you for a second?

		what is this?

		i'm not afraid, abed. I choose not to be around rats because they are unpopular. Same goes for centipedes and lakes.

		yeah, did you have to pick a duet? Hmm?

		yeah, you don't have to warn me; i'm not afrai--

		Damn. Here comes Abed. he needs my help. I got to get out of here.

		why do you care so much?

		abed, take it from a former prom king. real friends help me with things. Not vice versa.

		exactly! 'cause you're my friend.

		oh, abed.

		aah, it's on my leg! It's on my leg! it's on my leg! Aaaaah! Disgusting!

		whoa, what model did you get?

		the devil's drench xj-11. This is gonna be awesome. We should establish base camps. What part of the library do you want?

		You think you're better than me?

		You stick to quotin' movie lines. I'll stick to sports.

		Well, you're not moving into sports. You and I are playing real basketball, right now.

		No, it doesn't! And it won't be.

		Don't gloat. It's impossible to guard you. Your eyes are too gentle and mysterious.

		Ugh! I can't believe you beat me again!

		Aah! We're arm wrestling. Ugh!

		The rules are you suck! Let's go!

		Aah! You broke my hand, you bastard.

		Yeah! Yes! Yes! How you like those apples?

		I know you let me win the race.

		That's because... I wanted it to be true.

		No, Abed... You are.

		Go, Abed, go, before people sex one another!

		Abed?

		Can you give me a glass of water?

		Shama-lama-ding-dong.

		This nose smells like the special drink

		You go, girl.

		Five letters... Broadway musical.

		Uh, six letters... to puncture.

		A water filter that starts with "B".

		Okay. Here's a tough one, though. Uh, Helen of...

		Oh, damn, you're good.

		I never even heard of that last one.

		One of the two brother actors. Bridges. Four letters.

		I know. Bridges.

		I love misdirects.

		You watching another movie in your dorm tonight?

		That sounds awful. I'll bring the popcorn.

		They're just jealous.

		I am kickpuncher. My cyber punch have the power of kicks.

		The only thing beyond the reach of my fists is humanity.

		You're sure Britta couldn't do your part?

	starburns

		We work really well together

		Me llamo T-Bone la arana discoteca

		Thanks for your time

	britta

		yeah, but abed posted this video two weeks ago.

		i liked you better when you were smoking.

		no, you're right. My feet are long and stupid. You can't unring that bell.

		yeah. you can be pretty cold.

		I am sick and tired of you saying that fighting is gay!

		Since last semester. Coach told me it would help with my coordination, and I fell in love with it, in a very straight way. I know it's tempting to sneak a peek, but I'm gonna need for you to keep your eyes up here!

		That's because you don't play football or have fun.

		Same here. Britta... Nobody can know about this.

		I am spending a lot of money on breakaway clothing.

		Are you saying we tell the group, together?

		Man, I don't know. Let me think about it. Okay, let's do this.

		Ahem!

		Bravo, Britta.

		Yeah. I changed my mind.

		I'm not gonna be in the recital. I'm dropping the class.

		Hey, you don't get to talk to me like that. You are not Shirley! And Shirley's not my mom.

		Britta, it's not like we were in the same boat. Girls are supposed to dance. That's why God gave them parts that jiggle. But I'd be going from starting quarterback to a guy that twirls around in tights. I've got way more to lose getting up on that stage because I'm a man.

		Not anymore.

		Easy, girl. There we go.

		Being a friend and a man.

		No, thank you. I mean, you looked so pathetic, you made going up there the most masculine option.

		I know chemistry is sexy. But Annie? I don't see it.

		Maybe it's 'cause I knew her back in High school, before she dropped out. She had braces and acne and a pill addiction and a nervous breakdown ending with her running through a plate-glass door, screaming, "everyone's a robot!"

		I can't believe I didn't see that. Well, I guess she deserves another shot. Oh, wait, never mind. It's too late. I Heard she's hooking up with Vaughan.

		What?

		Hey, guys, thanks for taking ugly Annie out of the palm of my hand and turning her into yet another hottie that will never get with me!

	vaughan

		I'm not your bro... Bro.

		Yeah, well some things are more connected than others, like tarantulas and me peeing my pants... Or me and Annie.

	group

		i'm leaving my homework with slumdog millionaire over here.

		Okay, I am the Barack Obama of this room.

		That dude makes a lot of announcements.

		One-liner.

		what's so funny?

		then he should see aladdin. jafar was a bad-ass.

		Who is this guy?

		He just said it!

		the only difference between senor chang and stalin Is that i know who senor chang is.

		All of abed's films are about us.

		check it out.

		this is wrinkling my brain.

		that's wrinkling my brain.

		where's abed? I need to talk to him about his films.

		get him!

		well, we're screwed too. We're three days behind on our biology lab.

		jeff does raise a good point.

		No. This is. "Don't eat the crab dip." Yay-yay!

		Who is that?

		Jehovah's witness.

		Yeah, but we don't celebrate birthdays or Christmas, and we can't drink. But it helps.

		I want to go to Jeff's fight.

		Oh, it was so awesome. Me and abed played this video game. It is so dope. It's a whole city.

		You can rent an apartment.

		But don't get audited 'cause that's bad.

		Right now it sounds as boring as real life, But it is not.

		I can't stop thinking about his high kick. His ratio of girth to hip flexibility Is mesmerizing.

		Oh, the last thing I said to him was "suck it".

		Um... M... my secret... is that... I knew Britta's secret.

		Yeah. I saw her in her dance outfit, and she looked ridiculous. So I helped her protect her shame. You know, I'm just glad she's out now.

	buddy

		A little bit.

		For one... Crazy stalker?

	movie

		Ooh, FBI warning... I'm so scared.

		Sounds like a Thanksgiving at my house.

	self

		"Ass-burger".

		Donde, esta, la biblioteca. Me llamo T-Bone, la arana discoteca.

		Manteca, bigotes, gigante, pequeno, la cabeza es nieve, cerveza es bueno.

		Yeah

		Word.

		There's so much dust in here.

		Whoa.

		Okay, this is definitely still part of the experiment.

		troy! troy, troy, troy. that's my name.

		Pantsless grandpa.

		Taking a call girl to an STD fair. There's a joke here.

		Maybe it has something to do with crabs. They're like a food, but they're also a disease.

		Troy!

		Hmm? Ow!

		Oh!

		Oh, my God!

		Water it!

		Oh.

		I have the weirdest boner.

		Whoa.

	extra

		whoo! ha ha! troy, troy, the wonder boy! you dropped your books, poindexter. yeah!

		What's up, bro?

		Boo!

		Hey, what's up, J-Dog?

		Woof, woof, woof, woof!

		Yeah!

		How you doing?

		Excuse me.

	abedactor

		cut, cut. Let me ask you a question. do you hate this? Do you hate doing this? Do you?

		Just hold on.

	nurse

		My date's on the east lawn.

	fievel

		* somewhere * * out there * * someone's saying a prayer *

		* somewhere out there *

		* and even though i know *

		* how very far apart we are *

		* a lonesome lullaby *

		* somewhere *

		* out there *

		* if love can see us through *

		* then we'll be together *

		* somewhere out there *

		* out where dreams *

		* come true *

	shirley

		you should. it looks like you do.

		you're not my mother.

		thank you.

		simmons got robbed.

		We're trying to get Jeff ready for the fiiiii...iiight.

	pierce

		"Troy".

		saying she turns you on is the harassment, dude.

		well, this teenage boy  is a quarterback and a prom king.

		He's got a point.

		I forgive you.

		Burger for your ass.

		He's really good.

		I hope your mom didn't make you take baths together 'cause one of you would've been like, 30.

		Well, we're headed to the demonstration.

		Some cause Britta's into.

		tell me more.

		What is that? It looks like your bluetooth thingie.

		Sure.

		ha ha. you said weiner. that's funny.

		Hey, man, what's going on? You have a full-on erection. Just rela... Just relax.

		that works, yeah.

		pierce. I hope that's the tiny gun That you throw at us to confuse us While you grab the giant gun That's duct-taped to your back.

		Oh, it's pepper water! oh, it's pep-- Who puts pepper in water?

		Now I get it. It sounds like "penis". I just got it too.

		Yeah, in your face, Billy Joel.

		Do you know how foolish you sound right now? What else do you believe in, blood transfusions?

		Dude, that is not cool!

		Why does she have to be black?

		You would never catch a Jehovah's witness saying "Jewie".

		Thanks, Pierce.

		Pierce, you don't want to watch a cyborg movie in Abed's dorm. You want to lay on your twin bed and think about what you used to be.

		Yeah, that's messed up, dude.

		Yeah, but you're doing it with the speed and the determination of the incomparable Robin Williams.

	leclair

		Thank you, madame leclair.

	rat

		* somewhere out there * * beneath the pale moonlight *

	annie

		how'd you know i went there?

		Keg flip. They're very hard to pull off. You don't know-- I'm a legend.

		Do they do stuff to your butt?

		Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?

		That's fine. I will do it. I am in.

		Hi, abed. Hi.

		No, no, no! Annie! What is going on in there? Why--? What is taking so long? I've wasted all day here for you. The soul train awards were tonight. You promised butt stuff!

		Hey, sorry about bailing on the psych experiment.

		Wait. Is this still part of the experiment?

		well, i may be stupid, But i'm not trying to look like i'm not.

		a white dwarf.

		i used a memory technique. dwarves hate being called midgets, and midgets are small.

		black hole.

		or pancakes!

		Planet Hollywood

		it's all right, i'm worth it. * hip, hop, body don't stop *

		threw the skin around a couple of times. still got it. eh...eh...eh...eh... doosh!

		class blows. what i need to know about the universe is that i'm at the center of it.

		jeff said you'd say that.

		Look, I'm Annie's backpack.

		Say there are two friends and they're in the same class and one wants to ask the other one out on a date. Like a grown-up date, but within biking distance of his parents' house.

		Cool. I bet Randi would love that type of thing.

		You thought... Can't believe I misled you like that. Listen... Randi can be the name of a guy or a girl. And in this case, it is definitely a girl. Thanks for your help.

		Annie. Annie. Thanks for your advice about "a night under the stars".

		I got to figure out what to bring to the picnic. This is my first college girl so I really want to impress her. Would you mind helping me shop for this stuff?

		Really? Thanks. Later.

		A picnic blanket. Genius. I was gonna lay down on newspaper.

		Yeah? That's pretty hot. Thanks.

		Right. I couldn't have done this without your help. You're really nice. We should've hung out more in high school.

		Oh ho, yeah. yeah.I'm funny. All right. I got to go get ready.

		What?

		Cool. I'll see you.

		Nice. I'll be thinking of you.

		Did you... say it already?

		No.

		I have a regular class at that time. It's like math or other regular classes.

		Hey... Annie. It's me, Troy.

		Nah, I'm not looking for my other half. I'm looking for you, girl.

		Yeah.	 Let that sink in for a second. You know, I never noticed how... Beautiful you are.

		Tell him. Tell him that you've been in love with me since High school.

		Well, he's a baby. Now, where were we?

		Come on. Everybody knows you want a cut of the t-bone steak. Jeff and Britta told me how you feel.

		Oh, you're even hotter when you're angry. Let's do this.

		Red shoe diaries... I think you know I have a thing for butt stuff.

	danceclass

		Sorry I'm late.

	chang

		dude

		Oh, that's cool that you're hanging out, drinking beers with your students.

		Nice.

		You're not a professor.



Speaker: reporter1

	jeff

		Welcome aboard, Jeff. This is my article on the school's new water heater.



Speaker: starburns

	pierce

		Hey.

		All right. What are you taking?

		Tell you what. I'll trade you one of mine for two of yours. Hmm?

		Oh, sorry. I thought I was dealing with the Beastmaster.

		I don't mind if I do, may I?

		What'd you slip me, man? My heart stopped racing, and I can't pee.

		We saw your tape. We're passing

	dean

		but we were already called greendale.

		eh, no. not really.

	extra

		That guy over there, he's a douche bag.

	jeff

		Hey, winger, check out Annie. Somebody just went to the top of my "to do" list.

	all

		Is Jeff gone? You know, I'm gonna go. I don't want to miss the news.

	owenwilson

		There he is. Speak of the devil, he's right there.

		He's amazing!

	troy

		So, it says here that you want to join as two-some, I don't see it as a selling point.

		Let me hear that rap thing of yours again.

		Alright, I'll talk it over with the others

	chang

		my name's alex, dude.

	abed

		So, it says here that you want to join as two-some, I don't see it as a selling point.

		Let me hear that rap thing of yours again.

		Alright, I'll talk it over with the others



Speaker: britta

	

		i guess it sounds crazy.

	all

		ow! real mature!

		wait! i cheated!

		yes, i did.

		guys, put your hands down.

		Come on, I'm being punked, right?

	dean

		yes.

		yeah.

		thank you.

		You know the toilets in the women's bathrooms don't have seats, right?

		I don't see what the big deal is. Annie just needed to look at the model of the pe...

	jeff

		uh, don't hit on me, okay?

		the guy who's playing bejeweled on his iphone all class has a study group? Um, can i sign up twice?

		can you say that in spanish now?

		i really need help with spanish.

		yeah, Britta. thanks.

		Yeah. We have the whole room.

		you may have noticed this morning, Not so good at the small talk.

		that's not small talk?

		all right, you want to know my deal? I dropped out of high-school because I thought for some reason  it would impress Radiohead.

		I joined the peace corp. I did a little foot modelling, I got tear gased in a World Trade Rally,

		And I think, Jeff, my deal is above all else, honesty.

		yeah. You tell me the truth, i will like you. You lie to me, i will never talk to you again. That's my deal.

		So what's your deal?

		wow. that's a very honest answer. All right, now i like you fine.

		hell yeah.

		and busted.

		now you know. I'm a smoker.

		you ready to get started? Looks like the rest of your group showed up.

		oh, really?

		dinner?

		i think, actually, we should prioritize here And study first and then go to dinner. And if they really prove to be untutorable, we'll slip out early.

		what are you doing?

		It is a disaster in there.

		Wait, so, this is a game to you? You put human beings into a state of emotional shambles for a shot at getting in my pants?

		You're unbelievable.

		Oh, maybe one decent thing could be to go in there and clean up your mess.

		Yeah, fine, whatever. As if there's a dinner on Earth that could make me forget you are a shallow douchebag.

		I lied. Thanks for calming everyone down. but since you're not a Spanish tutor, just a lying creep who purposely upset everyone in an attempt to get with me, I'd appreciate it if you left and stopped wasting all of our time.

		Shouldn't you be rolling around on a bed covered in test answers?

		You know what? Jeff, actually, we didn't get that far without you, so if you want to come back upstairs--

		Well, it is your study group, so.

		I think there's something that the  group would like to talk to you about.

		If you're gonna study with people, it would be cool of you to show up on time.

		There's a card for that?

		Look, Jeff. You're harmless enough to me cause a life full of ups and downs has given me douche-ray vision, but those are good people in there, and they trust and respect you. Watching you exploit them, kinda bums me out.

		You're cute, but selfish and narcissistic to the point of near delusion.

		Are you sure you didn't adjust the odds? I know Abed's been eyeing that shirt for three weeks. It's almost like you gave it to him so he would switch cards.

		I think that's something we should discuss with our partners. Oh, see, I did switch cards.

		Nice sign.

		I think I was a little too harsh on you. I'm not perfect.

		Morning.

		Oh. no, I get it. Garfield's wishing me a happy Arbor Day, And you'd like a fresh start.

		So. That was one of the worst things I have ever seen, which I guess makes being a part  of it, a pretty selfless act, so I'm impressed.

		Cause a smart guy like you would know that no woman in that class would be able  to look at you as a sexually viable candidate ever again.

		Jeff.

		it is not fair how hard it is for you to cheat here.

		that is so wonderful. Some people don't like getting involved In other's lives. I think it's great.

		that is brilliant. How did he react to you signing up for the film class? that part hasn't happened yet. here he comes.

		What? Why are you dressed like an '80s rapist?

		i am calculating abed's expenses For the semester. You know, there's books. there's meals. He's renting that camera. And, you know, he needs a little spending money.

		That guy's really got your number.

		look, i really need to talk to you about abed. I went by his film class today. he wasn't there. He's cutting. I want to know why he would do something like that.

		every time i try to ask him about it, He just keeps filming me and telling me That i'm playing the role of his mother.

		look, will you just-- will you please talk to him?

		hey. You don't really have tickets for ravi shankar, do you?

		communicate. have you met abed?

		wrong.

		okay, look, i need to talk to you about abed.

		i feel a little out of the loop here.

		i made this all happen.

		he's smoking.

		get your hand off my knee.

		for someone who doesn't like getting involved, Well, i owe you.

		hey, um, you should kiss me right now.

		we're even.

		You forget something?

		That's mean.

		I find shirley very easy to talk to, And besides, aren't you supposed to have, Like, an olympic gold medal in jibber-Jabber?

		My class is that way.

		I am really glad that you're not hitting on me anymore.

		Hey.

		I wasn't sure how or when to bring up That i was hanging out with vaughn. I figured that you'd make fun of him...and me.

		Well, you guys should hang out sometime. I gotta go. I--Uh, that was tacky out there. You won't ever see that again.

		I am gonna get dessert. Want anything?

		Domingo, pl-- Oh, okay, I--

		I have a question for you. You like vaughn, right?

		I am just worried That he's thinking a little bit more intensely About this thing than i am. He says stuff, you know, after...

		After...

		After...

		Ahh...

		What? Forget that. The problem right now is that he's calling me "babe." He's trying to hold my hand. It's getting a little relationship-Y. And he gave me something.

		No. This.

		How do i respond to something like that? "Thank you"?

		I can't believe you.

		I do not want to talk to you.

		Vaughan broke up with me.

		You broke my trust. You suck.

		What do you want to be?

		How about the friend level Where you sometimes have to cat-Sit?

		sorry.

		I'll give you my number if you promise not to use it In any other context than friendship.

		yeah, i bet you're enjoying this.

		what do you think they're gonna do to me?

		i'm not gonna sit while some hokey tribunal Gets its jollies judging me.

		i get it. You think you're gonna save my bacon Using your lawyer powers And send me into fits of grateful arousal.

		no.

		Jeff, come on.

		you know i have a problem with dishonesty.

		you don't know that. You're just doing all of this 'cause you want to sleep with me I mean, you said it yourself. You don't even want to be my friend.

		i am.

		i actually believe you.

		i don't know. I guess...same reason that i cheated. I...just have more experience being worthless. I think i left that crib sheet on the floor Because i wanted to get caught. I'm so used to screwing everything up I just wanted to get it over with.

		what?

		just don't talk to me for a while.

		what? she's offended?

		i'm familiar with the concept. i'm just-- fine. if it's important to shirley, i'll go with her next time. i'm willing to try some more mainstream feminine stuff.

		nothing says, "i'm a pig" like you.

		Are you not going to Annie's party?

		I'm sure

		It's nice of you to be here. Sure you'd rather be out with your hot professor.

		She blew you off, huh?

		Hey.

		What are you doing here? You should be over at the library with Annie... Whoa. Yippy ki yay. Thought you weren't a costume guy.

		Oh, so where did you get it? 'Cause I wouldn't think that any costume stores would be open this late.

		I think the words that you're looking for are "I own a cowboy outfit." And it is tight too. Did you buy it like that? Your toy gun to my head, I'd say yes.

		How are we unseemly?

		Are you okay? It looks like you have actual bed head this morning.

		And you missed an entire side of your face shaving.

		Crap.

		Hi Jeff. We were just talking about how in today's economy...

		How you'll get the money?

		Those faucets are beautiful. You know what they would go great with: a home, which you no longer have. You need to move on with your life.

		Is that a bidet?

		You know, downgrading your lifestyle is your chance to grow as a person. Maybe even become one. The less you have, the more you can be. You know what I'm saying?

		Good night.

		Yeah, but your kitchen's being towed.

		Wow, you guys are really dorming it up in here, huh?

		See? Who needs platinum faucets? Do you guys even have faucets in here?

		Excuse me, I have a future murder victim to visit.

		You guys weren't in spanish class.

		I was wrong, okay? Material possessions are important. Think how much happier the Jeffersons were than that family on good times.

		Well, do good times really matter? What about good cars, good lobster? What about that... That sport where the British people ride the horses with the really long hammers?

		Yes, and I do not believe a single word I am saying for me. But for you, maybe you're one of those rare people with nothing underneath the surface. Maybe if you put stain remover on a turd, you don't get a diamond. You just get a turd with less direction in life.

		Faucets.

		For a fancy condo, you've got awful security. Install those in a new apartment so that every day, when you're spending way too much time on your hair, you can look down and think, "I was a huge phony before. I can do it again!"

		I beg your unbelievable pardon.

		I was doing this all for Abed. You are the worst.

		Hey, look who the cat dragged out and licked clean.

		don't tell them my business. I will slap that smug look Right off your pointy face.

		what? i feel bad for him. Plus, i just yelled at him.

		oh, did i hurt your feelings, pointy face?

		he fell down and screamed in pain While i laid there with my eyes closed To make him feel like a good hypnotherapist.

		it's already done. He just wants one more session.

		jeff, how do you think You're gonna keep pulling a "c" in that psycho's class If he keeps assigning this much work?

		well, did you talk to chang?

		we're all very disappointed.

		what's chang doing?

		you did that for us?

		Problem solved.

		Pierce really got to you, huh?

		Dude, not cool.

		Heh! "Hot blonde, Spanish class"?

		This is the phone book of a man in his 20s. The women literally have no identities. It's pretty shallow.

		Whatever. I'm gonna go study with Shirley.

		Mm.

		Why don't you just kiss him already?

		Maybe to some show tunes?

		And then you move to Vermont.

		Or he could have a row of jars Waiting for our genitals.

		Oh, it must be nice. Suppose I decide that's my job.

		They'll probably vote him in.

		Who is the lucky brunette?

		I am just trying to help keep you out of trouble. What if the next girl saw these?

		Irony?

		Thank you. Where's your date? Didn't she want to get my autograph?

		I heard you guys are official now.

		Makes perfect sense. Break a leg.

		Flowers.

		No, this is... this is good. You can hand them to me. Thank you.

		Missed you at lunch today. Did you slip out for a quickie with professor hot stuff?

		There's a gold star on your fly.

		Vaughan? Whatever.

		hey. How's it going? Did you hear? It's cute... Annie and Vaughan.

		She's into him. She asked for my blessing.

		Yeah. I'm done with him.

		He's not that bad.

		People collide. Things happen. It can't be controlled, right?

		Okay, even if I agreed with you, what are we gonna do?

		Mm, hatching schemes is not really my wheelhouse.

		Okay, if you're gonna get all upper East side about this, I think we're done.

		Okay, we need to hatch a scheme.

		So if Troy becomes a real option, Annie will drop Vaughan in a hippie's heartbeat.

		Right, Jeff?

		And to her and Troy. We did the right thing. They belong together. Plus, their babies will be so cute.

		Come on. You know that babies are extra cute when their parents are...

		Do you want kids?

		I did eat all the macaroni. It's messed up that he knows.

		Oh, please, you can't tell me that you weren't jealous that Vaughan had his hippie hands all over your debate/make-out partner.

	troy

		He's just laying low

		She probably just... you know... had to go number two

		i'm so sorry.

		he's hiding something.

		And then you move to Vermont.

		Vacations are wasted on the young. You guys gotta get out there and see the world at some point Or you're gonna miss your entire lives.

		Me too.

		Troy, since when have you taken modern dance?

		God, I should have never dismissed you as a shallow jock. Then again, we haven't really spent that much time together.

		I have fun tap-dancing. I started last semester too. It was always something that I wanted to do, but it was too embarrassing, so I never told anyone.

		Troy, who are we kidding? Look at how much time and energy we're putting into hiding something that we're passionate about. We are leading a double life.

		We should look at this as an opportunity to come clean.

		We could invite them to the dance recital on Friday.

		Sorry.

		Thanks.

		Hey. What the hell? I thought we were supposed to come out to the group together.

		Well, they're gonna find out that you dance at the recital.

		Oh, my God. How can you do this? I'm so disappointed in you.

		Well, guess what? A real man doesn't bail on his friends or on himself. You're a dancer, Troy. It's who you are.

		What are you doing here?

		Hey, Troy. Thank you.

		Chemistry... sexy. You know what else is sexy? Annie.

		You really don't see how pretty Annie is?

		Only to make you jealous.

		She's helplessly in love with you. She's only with Vaughan to get your attention. And you have to give it to her now.

		Oh, yeah, you didn't hear it from us.

		What?

	starburns

		Starburns, no.

	thug

		Why don't you just kiss him already?

		Maybe to some show tunes?

	abeddad

		i'm mr. Britta. That's right. i'm a woman with rights. And you can see my whole face.

		raising him means letting him follow his dreams.

		you don't know that.

		so's polio.

		abed wants to study film.

		hey! hey!

		you know, i had a father like you. And the day i finally cut myself loose is the day i finally started being happy.

		abed may not be a great filmmaker, But that doesn't mean that he wants to make falafel. You need to let him make his own decisions.

		yes.

	vaughan

		So i'll be done in, like, an hour.

		No.

		Hi.

	group

		okay, um, maybe we should get started--

		okay. Why don't we try learning "jukebox" in spanish?

		Everybody ready?

		Oh, What a shame. Maybe we should get started...

		Will you guys have some self-respect? You're obsessing over someone who does not give you a second thought. Meanwhile, in Guatemala, journalists are being killed by their own government.

		You know what he did that's really crazy? He offered me $100 to switch cards with him just so he could be partners with Jeff. I think he thought getting closer to Jeff would bring him respect in the group. I think he spent his whole life looking out for himself and he would trade it all for a shot at some kind of family.

		Guys, you've met vaughn, right?

		Who cares who made the crib sheet? The only real cheater Is the guy who's threatening everyone with a zero.

		guys, i really appreciate your support, But i've got to quit this time.

		those people look just like us. That's eerie.

		we had almost that exact conversation last week.

		this is too much for me.

		there's only one solution. Someone has to go to chang and talk to him.

		i guess it sounds crazy.

		he's using fake outrage to justify leaving.

		Atheist.

		Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys! Are we really gonna let religion divide us like this? I think there's one thing we can all agree on.

		That we would all like to have Jeff at this party.

		Well, I think it's obvious to everyone That this buddy fellow has a few froot loops loose. So I think no matter what we do, We gotta do it with grace and caution.

		Wait, so you kick high enough and you get in the group?

		Guys, guys, let's take a vote.

		Okay... On the count of three, Everybody who wants to keep buddy out, Raise your hand.

		Hey, everybody, speaking of secrets, Troy and I have something that we would like to announce.

		There's a dance recital on Friday, and I would be honored if you guys would attend, because since last semester, I... have been taking a tap class.

		I disagree. What about fred Astaire? What about Baryshnikov?

	buddy

		What?

		Well--

		So for the essay, we conjugate...

		Yeah, I'll tell 'em about it later.

		Hi, buddy. Can you, um...

	duncan

		wait, what?

	self

		Nice and pretentious.

		mm-hmm.

		Oh!

		Thank God.

		Huh!

		Oh, my God!

		Oh!

	extra

		no, you don't got it. I got it, abed. i got everything. What is wrong with you? All i want to do is take care of you. I know you're not stupid. are you doing this on purpose? Why won't you answer me?

	shirley

		Nothing.

		Believe me, every day in that country, people are being killed for speaking out. and the worst part of it is, when it's all over...

		It's gonna be as if it never even happened.

		You should discover that stuff on your own.

		You could start with this journalist Chacata-Panecos. He wrote an article critical of the government, and they killed him.

		Brownies?

		This is not how you do this.

		But this is tacky and lame. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. What I meant to say is that this cause is really personal to me.

		No. I do things. I went to... I don't do anything. What can I do?

		You guys realize he was beaten to death, right?

		Well, it's more than  I ever accomplished.

		Shirley, thank you. Bet that doesn't happen to you a lot.

		Shirley.

		Shh shh shh shh.

		oh, no, i don't have to go.

		i'm going to the bathroom. would you like to come with me?

		maybe he didn't see you.

		maybe he had his blinker on too.

		yeah, whatever.

		makeovers. they sure have us programmed, right? i am a female pleasure unit. i require a new coat of paint.

		here's something i think might be fun. let's find out the number of makeup companies that are owned by women. i'll save you the trouble. it's zero. but of course you're saying, "britta, aren't you a hypocrite? "you're plastered with glitter and goo from head to toe, just like the rest of us." well, i also pay income tax and pull over for cops, but that doesn't mean i support--

		Wait, are you going to the bathroom?

		I'll go with you

		oh. are you finished? i mean, i have to go, but apparently, i failed yesterday's tryouts for the position of bathroom companion.

		you didn't hurt my feelings, shirley. i don't need to go to the bathroom with other people. i was just trying to throw you a bone because i like you.

		i've peed alone my whole life. women have always hated me. i don't even know how it started. maybe it was when i got boobs before everyb--

		i did it, i did it!

		Shirley, you took off your wedding ring

		It's fine. I don't care.

		Okay, fine. But just to repeat, I don't care what Jeff does.

		He's going to the faculty party.

		No, it's not about her, Shirley. I can't believe that Jeff would do this to Annie.

		Shirley? Shirley!

		So what are you doing?

		Why?

		Yeah, the long-neck, weave-having bank teller didn't feel universal.

		Shirley, that sucks.

		Everything you've done tonight?

		I totally get that.

		Let's go check on Annie.

		Yeah.

		What is he doing?

		No. Just want to show Vaughn some support to help smooth things over.

		I can't do anything with this.

		Ooh, I wanna see! I wanna see!

		Oh, well, thank you, Shirley. I'm gonna put that in the pocket closest to my heart.

		You're banning Jeff from the party? That doesn't seem very Christian.

		Shirley.

		Shirley, listen. I get that this is your first Christmas since your husband left you, and I don't know, maybe that's why you're being so stubborn, because you're trying so hard to re-create something that you're afraid that you've lost forever. But if you really want us to be your second family, then you've gotta start treating us like one, even if that means supporting us when we do things that you don't agree with. You can start by rooting for Jeff while he rolls around on the ground groping another man. That's what I'm gonna do.

		That was nice.

		I'm sorry, shirley, Your friend gary is so boring.

		Gary is off the table. He is a buzz kill.

		I will try to find the tools to survive.

		Well, I don't know how funny it is.

		No. I am upset about... something I can't talk about.

		Okay. Uh, did you hear that the shroud of turin...

		Wow.

		Shirley, I did not warm Jeff up. Nobody ever will. Do you think Professor Slater is getting flowers right now? Do you think that they are gonna go to the movies and hold hands, visit her parents? No. The only thing keeping them going was the thrill of the secrecy, and now that it is out, it is over, believe me.

		Ooh! You people? What do you mean, you people? I cannot believe I got to say that.

	slater

		Britta Perry, GED.

	vaughn

		Hey, vaughn, how's it going?

		I never even knew that's what asexual meant.

		I like green tea. I should make the change.

		I am gonna get dessert. Want anything?

		Hi, Vaughn. Can we talk sometime? I'm sorry about how things ended.

		Can't we still be friends? And isn't the word "later" already short enough?

		Guys, what the hell! "Getting rid of Britta"? That song was disrespectful to me and to the definition of "rhyme scheme".

	pierce

		Britta.

		voice command. Voice command. Voice command. Voice command. Voice command! would you please use the buttons?

		um, pierce, that's the dean.

		mm-mm.

		Who are you?

		Pierce, you're not gonna die! Look at me!

		Don't talk to Vaughn.

		Don't talk to Vaughn.

		So I asked you not to talk to him and you completely ignored me.

		Guys, what the hell! "Getting rid of Britta"? That song was disrespectful to me and to the definition of "rhyme scheme".

		Did you just defend my honor?

		no! I've got one for you. A doddering old fool Walks into a bar, tells a stupid joke, And i crush his windpipe with my three-ring binder.

		pierce, i would be grateful for your help.

		pierce, thank you. I really appreciate you helping me out.

		so what are you gonna do? Wave a pocket watch in front of my face And tell me i'm getting very sleepy?

		go to hell, you disgusting pig.

		pierce, i was awake the whole time. I was faking it.

		no. No, i was trying to make you Feel better about yourself.

		pierce, I can't smoke a cigarette Without thinking of a three-way in your hot tub. You did it.

		you're a genius.

		what are you doing?

		That's great. What does she do?

		No, the real reason men fight is to release their pent-up gayness.

		Uh, that does not sound like Buddhism. Are you sure you're not in a cult?

		I'm pretty sure that's a bong.

		You are not a Buddhist. You are in a cult.

		Pierce!

	whitman

		thank you.

	abed

		Abed in the house!

		we are in a library.

		do you have something balled up inside of you?

		that is weird.

		Abed,

		What's your read on that guy?

		so your dad has your whole life planned out for you? Are you even interested in falafel?

		abed.

		how much does a film class cost?

		hey, how's it going? How's your film class, buddy?

		that is so wonderful. Some people don't like getting involved In other's lives. I think it's great.

		wait, what is he saying?

		tell him that you want to stay and study film.

		abed, how's it going, buddy?

		is that a new camera?

		yeah, but your movie's for class.

		well, ooh la la.

		you better believe it.

		how's it going, buddy?

		what is wrong with you? All i want to do is take care of you. Why will you not answer me?

		abed.

		did you do all of that to me on purpose? That's not a very nice way to treat your friends.

		hi

		Excuse me, I have a future murder victim to visit.

		You guys weren't in spanish class.

		Never had him. Don't want him. Especially now. He's got a real Phil Spector vibe going.

		What am I supposed to do about that?

		Abed!

		No.

		I've gotta write a paper about that.

		No.

		Vacations are wasted on the young. You guys gotta get out there and see the world at some point Or you're gonna miss your entire lives.

		Well, thanks, Abed. It takes a lot of hard work, but you could always take a class.

	annie

		Believe me, every day in that country, people are being killed for speaking out. and the worst part of it is, when it's all over...

		It's gonna be as if it never even happened.

		Real stories... They don't have spoilers. You understand that TV and life are different, right?

		You should discover that stuff on your own.

		You could start with this journalist Chacata-Panecos. He wrote an article critical of the government, and they killed him.

		This is not how you do this.

		But this is tacky and lame. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. What I meant to say is that this cause is really personal to me.

		No. I do things. I went to... I don't do anything. What can I do?

		You guys realize he was beaten to death, right?

		Well, it's more than  I ever accomplished.

		He's just laying low

		She probably just... you know... had to go number two

		shirley's not coming. but i'm here... to listen...girl.

		i don't-- know...sweetie. maybe...it's because men make the world go round? kleenex?

		oh, annie, screw him! there are guys out there that would kill to be with you. and if troy isn't one of them, that's him failing your standards. you got that?

		seriously?

		Thank you. I hate when women use Halloween as an excuse to dress up like sluts, you know?

		He just stepped out. He's gonna be right back.

		he's hiding something.

		oh, abed, i'm sorry. He probably found more rats And is very happy living with them.

		Problem solved.

		Have you never seen one?

		I think he was gay then.

		Okay, that's easy enough. We'll go to him and we'll ask him...

		I think I could do that. Mm-hmm.

		Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

		Yes.

		You go, girl!

		Amsterdam, I think. I'll know more when I find my camera.

		Gimme back my bra, annie.

		Oh!

		No.

		I have something unimportant that can't ever move.

		I have not seen him around all day.

		No. No.

		Oh, that's a big crowd out there.

		Oh. She's his girlfriend now? Can't wait till he hears about it.

		Hi.

		Oh, yes. I still don't know if that's his first or last name.

		He has a sincerity I found attractive in a simpler time.

		wow, you and Vaughan.

		Well, what about you and Troy?

		Well, Annie, I would have to be a villain to tell you who to date, which I am not.

		Damn right. Give me some fivesies. Whoo. Turning it into a snake.

		I guess we feel like we're sort of all a family, and Jeff and I are like your Greendale parents.

		Oh, you want to be treated as an adult and a friend? Try not dating your friend's ex-boyfriend. Find your own man.

		No, I don't, but I also don't like seeing him with anyone else. Ta-da!

		Fine. I cared. I'm a girlie-girl. I like boys, and I don't like it when they're mean to me, and I don't like it when they stop kissing me and start kissing my friends. I'm not that cool. I'm not Juno, okay, homeslice?

		Annie, it's more than okay. Please date Vaughan.

	chang

		i did it.

		how dare you terrorize a class by threatening their grades. It's not that easy to get human beings to turn on each other.

		Senor chang, please continue. we respect your authority.

		I did it.

	secretary

		Oh, gender saved.



Speaker: abeddad

	britta

		oh, i get it! Because i'm arab, i must hate women. Let me tell you something, i love women. But i'm getting a major b-word vibe from you.

		you go host american idol And you stop messing with my son. He's a special boy. I raise him, okay? you don't raise him.

		dreams are for sleeping.

		it's clinically proven.

		you lost me!

		see, it was hard enough to talk to him before. Now we have this between us!

		hey, don't touch me!

		you don't touch me!

		is that your take? let me give you mine. You and your pillow-lipped girlfriend Got all up in my stuff because you wanted to be cowboys And then you turned chicken when you found out It will take more than speeches and guided missiles.

		make his own decisions? Have you met abed? you know who he is?

		he loves--

		my son is hard to understand. If making movies help him be understood, Then i pay for the class.

		with falafel as a fallback.

	self

		hey! you want to get involved in my family's business?

	abed

		see, it was hard enough to talk to him before. Now we have this between us!

		Let's go!

	jeff

		where do i find mr. Britta?

		see, it was hard enough to talk to him before. Now we have this between us!

		fine. you want to raise him, you raise him. I'm out!

		hey, wait a minute, where's weezer?

		is that your take? let me give you mine. You and your pillow-lipped girlfriend Got all up in my stuff because you wanted to be cowboys And then you turned chicken when you found out It will take more than speeches and guided missiles.

		what iraq metaphor? I am talking about your speeches And her guided--

		my son is hard to understand. If making movies help him be understood, Then i pay for the class.

		with falafel as a fallback.



Speaker: vaughan

	pierce

		Old man river.

	group

		Hey. What's up? Hi. This troop's got a case of the giggles, huh? Is that--?

		Oh, you guys are-- Right? You guys are laughing at me, aren't you?

	extra

		Sorry, dudes.

		Yeah, some worries, man. Some worries.

	troy

		Hey, what's up, man? Hi, bro.

		Oh, actually, everyone is my bro in the whole entire universe, you know, because everything's connected... rocks, eagles, hats.

	annie

		Oh, it'll change your life. Let me teach you the chords. See, that's "g." that's the most important chord. In my mind, it... it stands for "God."

		But not like a bible God, because I think that God is in everything.

		* Annie * * Annie, where are you going today? *

		* Spanish *

		That's nice.

		Sorry it took me so long. They made me find a shirt.

		What? Wait a minute. Is that true, mountain flower?

		You're swearing? Like Britta swore that she didn't like Jeff and then gave him a copy of my poem so he could laugh at me with that Sherri Shepherd Lady? Oh, it's happening again. Your study group is evil. And you don't deserve ice cream.

		Annie.

		No. I threw my phone into the river. I thought that, you know, if I can't be with her, who am I gonna call? And then I thought, you know, well, my landlord, my sister, and... You. Anyway, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching,

		and, uh, this is something I really need to say. * * * I see you when you smile * * and I want to sing a song * * but then I write the words * * and they always come out wrong * * they come out wrong * * I feel it in my fingers * * I feel it in my toes * * but then the words get frozen * * in my mouth like Eskimos * * I like your nose * * ooh ooh ooh * * ooh * * Annie * * ooh ooh ooh * * ooh * * Annie's song *

	britta

		Yeah. No worries.

		Did you give them my poem?

		Okay, well, Why is the dinosaur rocking a picture of my poem?

		That's uh, wow. This is the least tight thing that's ever happened to me.

		Britta.



Speaker: piercemom

	pierce

		Hello, Pierce?

		How's school going? Are you popular?



Speaker: abedalien

	abed

		greetings, abed.

		t-t-tell me about the one they call troy.

		we will stick things in his butt.



Speaker: group

	slater

		Bye.

	self

		Oh, God.

		Oh!

		Oooohh...

		Oooohh...

		Sure.

	pierce

		No...

		Shh!

		Shh!

		Shh!

		Shh!

	abed

		Yes.

		oh!

	jeff

		Meh...

		Yeah.



Speaker: buddy

	pierce

		He said "f."

	group

		You guys don't remember me? Buddy...From spanish class?

		Thank you, abed. Sometimes I have a tendency to melt into the background. It's just my body type. But I definitely know you guys From watching you all last semester grow together.

		I heard that. Let's do it!

		so--sorry, britta. I'll go first. Uh, I'm sure you guys have a natural rapport and timing, And, you know, you're scared that adding a new member Might throw everything off of its natural rhythm. I feel like I know you guys already. So you know, let me in. Just tell me the rules, And I will follow.

		Yeah! "spanish studyin' is better when you're buddyin' around, yeah"

		Hey, guys, see you in study group. Hoo-ah!

		Listen up. I just want to say Thank you guys real much-- much--real much? Duh! Thank you guys very much for this. It's a dream come true. Now let's study some spanish.

		lame. Okay, stick and move. Stick and move.

		I'm sorry. Whoa! Okay, look, I-- you know what, It's your study group, And I don't know if you perceive it As something that could be improved, But I do have some ideas. Here's the one right here. Boom. I was thinking, as a group, We could start saying, "you go, girl." Not in a way that's, you know, "oh, I'm so cool saying "you go, girl." But in a way that we're kinda winking at it. Bottom line, you guys need a chubby, agile guy. Did anyone see paul blart: Marl cop, Paul. Blart. Mall. Cop. I'm like that, okay? I'm fat and I'm... Physical, okay? And I'm strong. Hmm? And I can kick.

		I put myself out there for you! I laid my soul bare! I made you guys lemon squares with free-range eggs That I baked with my own hands.

		Well, I'm not leaving.

		You're not relaxed. You're an uptight puppet master, And these are all your little puppets.

		Hi, guys.

		Oh, yes! You will not regret this.

		Oh...This is-- Oh, this is awkward. You guys were my safe date.

	jeff

		Yeah, well, don't go changing too much, jeff. I think we all like you just the way you were.

		No, I snuck in during the group hug.

		That's what I'm saying too!

		Dude, sorry. Jeff

		I'll get some paper towels.

		Milord, milady. You missed my apology song.

		Jeff... I am so sorry about the other day.

		Was it the high kick? Was it "you go, girl"? Oh, you guys think you're so cool.

		Make me...Hitler.

		I'm studying with you.

		Okay, then go study somewhere else.

		No, no. No, no, no, no! No, no, no! No, I want to study spanish! No! Noooooooooo! Ah, I hate you! I hate your study group! I hate it! You suck! Aah... I hate you!

	self

		Britta cheated? But why?

		I don't even care who wins.

		Hola, mi amigo. Donde estas la bibliota?

		Ha ha! Boom!

	all

		Oh ho, no way! I'm in the cool group?

	owenwilson

		Hmm?

	annie

		Annie the reporter. Good times.

		annie got an essay portion annie gonna move her luscious fanny all day long

		Milord, milady. You missed my apology song.

	britta

		I sleep a lot in class. That one might have been a dream.

		Conjugate. Conjugal visit!



Speaker: duncan

	all

		Welcome, research assistants. If you turn your attention to the monitor, You will see that our subjects Are waiting for the experiment to begin, but... It's actually happening right now.

		You see, the waiting is the experiment. The duncan principle is simple. Namely, that the more control lost by the-- Yeah, i'm gonna write this down too, actually. That's a good point. The more control lost by the ego, The more gained by the id, Resulting in a surprisingly predictable Emotional eruption or breaking point, Known to ma and pa as a good old-Fashioned tantrum. Oh.

		Let's do this.

		Houston, we have an idiot.

		Okay, we're three hours in, so let's review what we've seen. And pay close attention to every subject's breaking point. We've got a shouter. That one's a stomper. Bye, hippie. There's a generic whack job, bouncing up and down Like a six-Foot child. Shaking. Write that down. Visible shakes. Look at the little one chase the big one. Look at him go. I am gonna make him go quicker. It's like benny hill looks. Whoo, ooh, ooh, get him. Come back again. Whoo, ooh, ooh, get him. All right? There's a bit of fun. It lightens the mood. And back to the present. And then there were two. Break.

		And he's out. We got him. strike three. You're gone.

		Do you know what? The longer they wait, the harder they break. Buckle up, students.

		It's not--It's not fair! It's not fair! Why, why, why? What are you doing? Put your-- Stop writing! Put your pen-- Give me that! Get out! Get out, you dorks! Get out!

		professor ian duncan.

		Wow, well, under the circumstances I'll recommend that the accused Be fully exonerated. On the condition that she receives Psychological counseling on a weekly basis From a trained mental health professional. Thinking maybe fridays, nine-ish, something like that.

	dean

		All in favor say "aye."

	jeff

		Jeff Winger! Genius at law.

		i will never do that. sit down I still cannot figure out how you gonna join September the 11th with my DUI, that alone, why that helped.

		So what is my lawyer doing here?

		well, that cannot be an inspiring journey.

		i thought you had a bachelor's from columbia.

		well, you've picked a fine school.

		yes.

		no. Now, Jeff, just by asking that, You have insulted the integrity of this entire institution.

		Well, I do love America, I do love it, very much. I love chalupas. But, i'll look into it. 

		Jeff, are you familiar with the adage, "cheaters never prosper"?

		Act natural, pretend you are watching the athletic proceedings.

		suppose i was to say to you It was possible to get those test answers?

		i'm asking you if you know the difference Between right and wrong.

		oh, interesting. It's just the average person has a much harder time saying, "booyah," to moral relativism.

		Are you trying to use reverse psychology on a psychologist?

		i'm a professor. you can't talk to me that way.

		yes, because that would be adorable!

		fine! i'll do it!

		yeah, pleasure. Bye! Yes! good! Why am i still shouting? I'm drawing attention to myself.

		It's Professor Duncan. Come to the parking lot now.

		I'm disguising it.

		Get in the car! Act as if either you have just finished or yet to begin driving. Every answer to every test in your curriculum this semester.

		Whoa there, grabby-grabby. What do I get?

		Even, fairness, right, wrong. There is no God. Booyah, booyah.

		Your Lexus.

		Will it be just a semester though, Jeff? Won't you be taking the easy way out for the next four years? I want payment in advance. I want leather seats with built-in ball warmers.

		Have a nice disbarment hearing.

		Why don't you take this car? It's good for the earth.

		Jeffrey, before you say anything, you may want to think about the gift you've been given.

		No. No, not that. An important lesson, my friend. You see, the tools you acquired to survive out there will not help you here at Greendale. What you have, my friend, is a second chance at an honest life.

		No, I have to keep your car for-- Don't hit me. Please, don't hit me. Jeffrey, Jeffrey! Are we cool? Are we cool? We're cool.

		ah! Jeff, Jeff. Good morning! How is student life, my dry-witted friend?

		very dry. very witty. Not a great friend. Listen, i wanted to ask you about that young lady In your spanish class. You know, the blonde with the pouty, strident Cate blanchett sexuality and the ridiculous name?

		that's it, that's it. Imagine living with that. can you imagine? Unbelievable. Anyway, are you two an item, and if so, Would that item be impervious to sabotage?

		message received. I'll just wait for you to finish striking out first. cheers.

		Have a nice day.

		please don't encourage him, winger. Do you have any more questions?

	garrett

		What?

		Go! Fine! Go kill john lennon again, you loser.

	extra

		Absolutely not.

		Waster! not a bathroom! Not a bathroom.

		You're very confident, i'll say that.

	abed

		fawlty towers. game over.

	annie

		What?

		Hello.

		Ah. The duncan principle.

		Right.

		Okay, i've actually been in this situation many times, So i'm just going to be up front. I am not allowed to date students.

		Even though you're an eight.

		Which is a british ten, So i'm angry.

		But if, in spite of that, you are still interested, Then you may join the lab. Ah! Okay. You need to bring two human subjects. And it would not hurt your chances one bit If you could lend me a fiver. I seem to have left my purse in my duffle And my duffle in the boot of my lorry, so--

		Annie, why don't you, uh, go and tell our subjects That we're going to be starting the experiment In five minutes, okay? And annie... It's never actually going to start.

		Is it on pause?

		It's you! It's your fault!

		Yeah, subjects! Not rain man! I should never have let you into this lab, Miss annie fanny panties in a bunch!

		Oh, let me answer that question with another question.

		You have destroyed the duncan principle!

	britta

		that just happened.

	chang

		uh, no, you're a teacher. you're not a professor.

		that's the difference. That's the qualifying factor. gentlemen, point of order.

		oh, got me.

		fine. the tribunal calls teacher chang.

		i was planning on doing that. Cleared my whole day. Uh, mr. chang, could you remind us Of the events of yesterday?

		you did what?

		hey, british dentistry is not on trial.

		it is on like donkey kong! Have you got a problem with me?

		i'm sorry. do you mind if we have this conversation In a room with less balls?

		All in favor say "aye."

	self

		Oh, my... Why won't he leave?

		He's ruined my study! He has--He has warped the duncan principle. Damn you, you outlying piece of datum! ow! Aah!



Speaker: movie

	self

		It is the year 2006 AD, and nuclear war has ravaged the planet.

		The wasteland between cities is a free-fire zone ruled by scavengers, drug dealers, and terrorists.

		You guys want to buy some mega dope? It gets you mega High.

		Freeze! Police.

		You have done so much for our city. Kickpuncher, is there anything that we can give you?

		Don't call me kickpuncher. Call me David.

		I saw you die. How can you be alive?

		I guess it's just a bad day for drug-dealing terrorists and a good day for... Kickpuncher.

		My punches were only as strong as my punches, and then things changed.



Speaker: garrett

	all

		Ho ho.

	rat

		* row, row, row your boat *

	duncan

		Professor.

		I am sorry, but this guy's not moving. I have classes to go to.



Speaker: extra

	all

		wood undergoes rapid oxidation because it reacts spontaneously to-- okay, guys, seriously, we've talked about this, okay? you have got to turn off your cell-- that's mine. my bad.

		no one has a pen. why would you not bring a pen to class? idiot.

		Condom water balloon fight! What the hell? Dude, these are leaking.

		Now, I know the news of senor chang's death Over winter break was a shock to us all. But we should take comfort in the fact That he did not suffer When his moped hit the side of that arby's.

	group

		someone order seven lattes?

	jeff

		Were you conditioned to pay for your damn taco, Sanfield?

		yeah, he's awesome.

		hey, man...is this your first pep rally or something?

	extra

		okay, what's it called? antoni--an--hold on. does anyone have a pen? pen?

		no, you're not an idiot.

	troy

		dude, we have feelings.

	abed

		that guy was your dad?

	annie

		oh, maybe i'm not.

	thug

		Yeah.

	shirley

		Please, it's Christmas.

	rat

		* mary had a little lamb  * little lamb, little lamb... **

	vaughan

		No worries, man.



Speaker: abedactor

	self

		discoteca, muneca, la biblioteca es en bigote grande, perro, manteca.



Speaker: greenedaeye

	all

		we've been asked To dedicate our first song To senor and senora chang.

	dean

		we're greene daeye.



Speaker: pavel

	abed

		Hey, bros.

		Britta! I'm getting rid of Britta, getting rid of the b.

	jeff

		Hey, bros.

		Britta! I'm getting rid of Britta, getting rid of the b.



Speaker: slater

	all

		The Bernoulli distribution is the number of successes in a sequence of independent yes-no experiments. Okay. Uh, for the Quiz Monday, brush up on chapters three and four.

		Is he meowing?

	group

		Well, thank you, everyone. I appreciate it.

		Bye.

	jeff

		That's Bearnaise.

		It's cute. A little aggressive, but as a busy, confident woman of authority, I'm attracted to men who take charge.

		You were nailing it, until you had to ask.

		I'd like to, Mr. Winger. You're tall, you dress nice, and I've graded enough of your tests to know I'd never feel mentally inadequate.

		Only problem, I don't date students.

		It's uncanny how many of my buttons you're finding, but I have a personal rule about this, and I stick to it.

		Oh, I know you can. That's why you're not getting the chance.

		What are you doing here?

		I have to admit, this outfit's doing it for me. I may or may not have been deflowered by a junior rodeo champion.

		You lost your virginity to Robin Hood?

		I told you no students. It's unseemly. I go out with you, you tell your friends, it gets around the school...

		Unseemly.

		Okay, stay three steps behind and promise you won't tell anybody.

		Are you, like, a court-appointed guardian for these people?

		Goodnight, Jeff.

		You know the answer, Mr. Winger. I don't date students, even if you are no longer in my statistics class.

		Really? How's that going?

		She is.

		I've never had a dirty little secret. It's so unprofessional. But the sneaking does make the sex 38% hotter.

		Chalk.

		I think he might have ruined...

		Mr. Winger. Would you come to my office? We never finished our intercourse.

		I know.

		Come on, what are the odds?

		Now, was that so bad?

		Why are they looking at me like I'm a zoo animal?

		I should get going.

		Jeff, it's okay. It's out. And you know what? It doesn't bother me. I'm happy.

		We've slept together every night for the last three weeks. How would you describe me?

		Well, uh... I guess I've had the wrong idea about us. But you know what? This is good. I'd be better off dating, um... an adult.

		How original.

		You're acting like I'm a Venus flytrap. I didn't want or need more than what we were doing.

		I can't now, because you went to the friend place. That's you getting official, not me, because unless there's something I need to know about the lunch lady or that blonde in your Spanish class with the infinite supply of leather jackets, somewhere between our 9th and 11th slumber party, statistically speaking, most people would call us more than pals.

		How?

		Whoopee flippin' ding, Winger. It happens 50 million times a day. It's the Jim Belushi of sexual commitments. It barely means anything, and it grows on what's there over time.

		I'll see you around, Jeff.

	abed

		But you know it's nothing like that, right?

		I have.

	britta

		Hi. Michelle Slater, PHD.

		Oh, are you a classmate of Jeff's?

	dean

		Dean Pelton.

		I'll return this tomorrow.

		A few weeks.

		Yes.

		See you around.



Speaker: britta	jeff

	self

		I can see it. Two girls are making out on the hood.



Speaker: groupactor

	jeffactor

		Jeff.



Speaker: security

	britta

		What in the reverse porky's is going on here?

	shirley

		What in the reverse porky's is going on here?

	all

		She didn't say it.

	dean

		Dean.

		We have a 597 currently going on in your office.

	annie

		What in the reverse porky's is going on here?



Speaker: 	pierce

	group

		She's an escort.



Speaker: assistant

	dean

		we printed 5,000.

		green day's here.



Speaker: leonard

	britta

		Hey, guys, thanks for eating all the macaroni!

	jeff

		not me!

		busted.

		Ooh, whoo.

		Hey, guys, thanks for eating all the macaroni!



Speaker: phone

	pierce

		Calling Mother



Speaker: simmons

	extra

		Kick that.

	debate

		there were 23,000... Kidney donations in america last year. Man is good. The average life expectancy For a man in a community Is 23 years longer than a man alone. Man is good. And just ten minutes ago, A bald, bespectacled man held the door For a man in a wheelchair.

		man is good.

		by the end of this debate, I will prove with facts And data that man is inherently good.

		and as german poet franz wickmeyer once wrote... "snow falls from the heavens pure. "we cannot blame the snow for being... Soiled by the earth." Man is good.

		mother teresa. joan of arc.

		nuclear families.

		apu from the simpsons.

		organ donors.

		he hates me. Yet he caught me.

		man is good.

	annie

		yeah? What's your excuse, eight points?

		* little annie adderall * * was an outcast in high school *

	jeff

		nice work, l.a. law. All sizzle, no steak.

		hey, winger. You like to sing? I like to sing too. * zero for winger * * ba na na na na na *

		* was a big shot lawyer * * ba na na na na na na * * now he's a lo-ooooo-ser *

		hey, sizzle. What are you gonna sing tonight? I'm in the mood for some sade.



Speaker: gail

	all

		I think everyone should say penis so we can take away the negative power of the word. Yeah? So, everybody...

		I just want to focus on the girl who won't say penis.

	annie

		This is a judgment-free zone, so express yourself.



Speaker: shirley

	pierce

		what are you doing?

		you have been sexually harassing me Since the very first day of class.

		You brought your mail to campus?

		Yeah.

		Pierce, it's okay. Come out of there.

		no, you did not.

		i accept.

		can't i just write it on cards?

		note taken.

		hand them a sandwich.

		hand them--oh, okay.

		oh, no, no, i don't think that would Really fit into my message. Maybe we should focus, uh, more on, um, uh...

		okay. These brownies are, um--

		they, um--

		these brownies are... Delicious. They taste like--

		that's not a filler word.

		thanks, pierce.

		i'm just gonna write it on some cards.

		Ooh...

		Pierce has got a girlfriend!

		Oh...

		Oh.

		Jehovah's witnesses are a type of Christian, right, Troy?

		You gonna be waiting a long-ass time.

		I'm sorry, Pierce.

		I think you came prepared.

		Pierce, that was deep and total BS

		Mm-hmm.

		I'll mark you as spam.

	group

		should we go with him?

		well, i can stay at least till 10:00.

		Oh, that's nice. I like that.

		That explains everything.

		I think we should wait for Jeff before we start studying.

		why don't you all just leave him alone With his cute little baby sneezes.

		Hope he doesn't try to "handsome" her to death.

		Oh, that's good. It's good for your skin.

		You all have got to see him. Everything's all, "no worries, no worries." And he always says hello three times in a row. Hello, good evening, how are you? And--Here, look! He wrote a poem!

		did you hear him call me jackee Like i'm some black female caricature? If the good lord hadn't been watching, I'd have slapped him upside the head.

		yes, but i need to go to the bathroom first.

		that boy's flat-out prescient. He can read our minds.

		he's a witch!

		why is he ripping up the cards? Doesn't he need the cards?

		mm-mm, i can't write a 20-page paper. I got a presentation in my marketing class on friday And public speaking gives me the nervous sweats.

		That's how messed up things are.

		he's funny.

		I'm so sick of the Dean jamming his PC down my throat.

		Well, it's still Christmas to all of us, and I made you all a little gift, because you're like my new family.

		It stands for "What would baby Jesus do?" And it's to remind us that the real meaning of this season is Christmas.

		Everybody put 'em on.

		Let's see 'em.

		Quick question... Are you all coming to my Christmas party right after the final, or are you stopping home to change into your Christmas outfits?

		Wow, don't we have a diverse little family. I say we open up this... this party to all faiths. I brought my star of Bethlehem, which led the wise men to the savior of all mankind. And you guys can bring a little trinket or doodad from your philosophies. Sounds good?

		What is going on?

		It's our Christmas, and I'm having a party. Due to my divorce and my relatives picking sides, this will be the only Christmas party I throw this year. Will you be there, or will I have another family letting me down?

		I guess he made his choice.

		As I told Jeff, no one that goes to the fight can come to my party. He's dead to me. And if any of you leave, you'll be dead to me too. Let's sing. # Jesus is a friend of mine # everybody! # Jesus is a friend of mine # Come on, everybody. You don't know it?

		I did my best to create a special Christmas for my one intact family, and... this is the thanks I get.

		There's nothing weird about Christianity.

		The cranberry sauce has real cranberries.

		No, no, no, no, no. Holiday.

		welcome back!

		Hello. What did you do over break?

		So sad. But best semester ever.

		If we're going to add people, I really think we should consider my friend gary.

		My friend gary wears nothing but loose-fitting jeans.

		We'll know each other's voices.

		Oh, no. We have to be careful.

		I don't think violence is the answer When we make decisions about--

		Why is he even here?

		I'll call gary.

		I nominate Pierce.

		Oh, no!

		I brought goobers. Anybody want a goober? Get them while they're gooby!

		Does anyone get specific about me?

		I agree with abed. This is getting creepy.

	whitman

		my name is Shirley Bennett.

		oh.

		to get a degree in business So i can sell my baked goods and whatnot on the internet.

		to get a degree in business So i can sell my baked goods and whatnot on the internet.

		because i wasted 15 years of my life on a man Who left me with nothing but stretch marks And a foggy memory of two bland orgasms. And now it's time to get what's mine.

	jeff

		i need to call my babysitter If we're gon' be later than 10:00.

		well, Annie, sweetie, it's not behind your back. We just didn't think about,

		no, no, no. i don't.

		You don't have to yell.

		Look at her? Okay.

		He didn't say it?

		Come on, let's study.

		Hi, Sweetie.

		We don't blame you, sweetie. Pierce has always been on my watch list.

		i'll do it. i love robin williams.

		Nice day out today, isn't it?

		Yeah, she looks like she's in trouble.

		Did you know we walk the same way after class? I am sure you didn't or else we would've been walking together, Unless you're a jerk. Just kidding.

		Mm-Hmm. Don't go too fast for these dogs. Short legs. So how do you like--

		What's that?

		So pierce isn't exactly right in the head, is he?

		he's like inspector gadget.

		And how about that guy that's always around, flirting with britta?

		I know, and what is it with his hair?

		Do you see how often hacky sack takes his shirt off? He'd play shirts and skins in a game of checkers.

		I don't see why you and britta aren't together. Two cute white people, going to school together, Just seems right.

		Oh. Oh, dear.

		There goes the shirt.

		I can top that. Did you see that hacky sack wears an anklet? Since when won't you talk about vaughn?

		Okay, but tell me you've noticed How small his nipples are.

		What? It's not gossip when it's fact. My kids have got hamsters with bigger nips.

		Oh, well.

		Jeff!

		Hey, you two.

		I know.

		Oh, no, no. "Wizard blue"?

		Thank you so much. You just brightened my day. I am so glad we can rip on that dude again.

		Oh, he said "rad"? I thought he said "bad." Oh, that makes it worse.

		Oh!

		I know.

		Right, right. It's more like this.

		Oh, no, it's fine.

		Honestly, jeff, how dare you?

		Jeff, wait! I am sorry i sold you out.

		Oh, jeff. I have a gossip problem. I stir the pot, jeff. I am a pot stirrer. This isn't even the only study group i've had this year. You see those ladies over there? I used to be in their group till they kicked me out. They call me "tattle-Ina." It's a bumblebee nickname. It's--It's cute, but it stings.

		Mmmmmmm!

		This is never going to work.

		This has to end. Mm-Mm, mm-Mm.

		Come on, jeff. What are we gonna talk about? My kids? Your--Your doctor career?

		See? I am already bored.

		they were tiny. Okay. Jeff, wait. Wait. I know i shouldn't do this, But one last little piece of gossip. Britta told me she had a sex dream about you. You still have a chance.

		mm-Hmm. Mm-Mm.

		Mmmmmm! Mm-Mmm.

		Mm-Mmm!

		and so i told him... Oh, hey--Hey, jeff.

		Bastard.

		Bastard.

		Hello. Here's your drinks, mates.

		I'm Harry Potter.

		Living in your car. You are living in your car. I'm sorry, I'm not good at being coy.

		Do you need a place to stay?

		be careful. abed thinks you two are gonna kiss. ridiculous.

		oh, that's nice!

		you just made us change. you could do it.

		speaking as one of the meek, As soon as i inherit the earth, you a dead man.

		i got an "a" on my presentation, And a lot of the credit goes to pierce.

		Jeff, you shouldn't take potshots at some poor woman just because you can't get a date.

		I'm proud of you for handling it peacefully, Jeff, like a certain little birthday boy. Real men turn the other cheek.

		You realize there's no other way for me to take this than as a giant middle finger to the most important day of the year.

		Jeffrey, I have two boys. And when we have a serious discussion, I find that a brownie helps them to relax. So why do you hate me and Jesus?

		Please don't do something so ugly on a day so important to me.

		You think religion is stupid?

		Jeffrey, I forbid you from fighting.

		You're right. But if you show up for the fight, don't show up for my party.

		I'm not mad. I'm disappointed.

		Jeffrey... Kick his ass!

		That is nice.

		Uh, jeff, can he really just decide he's one of us?

		Well, we should at least get together To talk about membership policies, right?

		Jeff! You're sleeping with a woman you already slept with?

	movie

		Will it get me through this movie?

	self

		Damn, I picked the wrong couple to follow out of class this morning. Jeff and Britta are dead air.

		oh, no.

		i believe that, uh, Fusing brownies with the, uh, internet Is going to create the next napster for brownies.

		oh, my--

		oh, that's nice!

		The Lord is testing me.

		Mm-mm.

		Oh!

		Oh!

		Mm.

		Oh! Oh!

		Oh, my.

	extra

		If you like that brownie, you'll gonna hate what's going up on in Guatemala. Google it.

		ooh! ooh! oh, heaven. My.

		hillary, thank you for getting people coffee. I love you.

		It's December 10th!

	abed

		yeah, it's nice. like a--like a picnic.

		Oh!

		abed, have you been racist this whole time While i'm telling everybody at church What a sweet little caramel angel you are?

		Hi Abed	

		oh, that's nice.

		careful, boy.

		oh.

		you tell me my future right now, you evil wizard!

		what do you need a paper for? You knew what was gonna happen yesterday, You middle-eastern magic eight ball. Pierce hurt his leg, Britta made troy cry. What's my destiny? Am i gonna die in a car? Is it gonna happen soon?

		i'm sorry. is that me being chased down by a werewolf?

		the situation being me being chased down by a werewolf.

		and that's jeff locking lips with annie.

		you're a fool.

		abed, abed.

		they kissed. You do have powers. I'm gonna die by werewolf.

		well, that's not gonna happen.

		no, you're not, abed.

		yeah.

		Oh, what is that interesting smell?

		It looks delicious. I'm guessing as a woman I won't be allowed to eat that. That's too bad.

		Uh, you... you watch bad movies on purpose?

		Usually when a movie's bad, I stop watching, but this sounds college-y.

	troy

		that's borderline racist, i think.

		It really is.

		oh, god bless you, dear.

		god--god bless you. god bless you.

		what?

		that boy's a soothsayer.

		Troy? What... what's your secret?

		Bravo!

	all

		estimation of market value Of--of--of brownies has-- Ahem! i, uh-- target group--

		uh... I--i--

		they are...wonderful. We all love...brownies. if you love brownies, you love life.

		here's brownie!

		Done. Hee hee. Hee hee. Hmm. Feliz Navidad.

		He did it, though.

		Okay, then let... let's watch kickpuncher 2, then.

	annie

		okay, okay. I'm sure i've made some bad life decisions And maybe Annie's decisions will be better. But i think she needs to decide Whether she wants to be considered a child Or an adult, because children get pity But not respect. And adults,  they get respect, But they also get the back of they head grabbed  And their face pushed through jukeboxes.

		I forgive you.

		I could make brownies.

		Need to bust out that brownie mix.

		i'll do it. i love robin williams.

		'scuse me!

		Oo, count me in. This is my first college party. I got some tequila and just rented Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj. And look

		Yeah, my husband has been gone for 6 months so I think it's time for me to embrace being single

		Tell that boy how you feel!

		You could. Love is a gamble always. But waiting won't change the dice. You either roll them or lose your turn.

		Shake 'em in your mind, okay? Excuse me, Pierce's band is playing and I want to record the train wreck. Kind of hoping for a Michael Richards situation.

		I know, sweetie. Let's go find you some pants.

		be careful. abed thinks you two are gonna kiss. ridiculous.

		Well, it's easy enough to practice.

		Annie... being a virgin in this day and age is something to be proud of. You're like a unicorn.

		So you, uh, you never seen one when you were growing up? Like, you know, on the Internet, in a picture, or Harvey Keitel's?

		I actually have no problem with that.

		Hmm, let me see that. Ooh, I can see through the door. Oh, yeah. Thar she blows.

		It's okay.

		No.

		That's my pumpkin!

		Uh, Annie... I... I didn't know you weren't, um, Christian.

		Oh, t... that's good for you. T... that's wonderful. I respect all religions of the world.

		Hello. Oh. Is this your Hanukkah holder? It's, uh... it's pretty. We'll just, uh... Let's just put it... There we go. That's nice. So I can't believe I never knew you were a Jew.

		So, uh, do you think everyone will start arriving soon?

		After Jeff's what now?

		On Christmas? Um, will you excuse me for a moment? And can you finish the manger scene?

		Oh, hash browns and applesauce... That's nice.

		Britta in a tutu... Can you imagine?

		First of all, I don't talk like that, and second of all, where I'm from, it's perfectly normal for women to talk about their male friends' backsides. And you don't see me saying anything crazy about abed and Troy's weird little relationship.

	slater

		That's right, professor Slim Calves. This is what you get when you steal Jeff from a good woman!

	britta

		Baby, you, uh, jumped a column there. What's happening in Guatemala?

		I never went to a real college.

		Can you at least tell us what to google?

		Can we have a protest? I want to protest the hell out of something.

		Raise the truth.

		Sounds like somebody has the case of "likes to use French politics to make themselves special, "but doesn't actually ever want to do anything-itis."

		That's where we got the idea from.

		We did it, girl... Page three. Its uh, mostly about Pierce, but listen to that last paragraph.

		And this isn't the school paper, by the way. This is a real damn paper, there's a marmaduke in there.

		isn't abed's dad a hardcore muslim?  They're not as understanding as christians. You can get your head cut off with a salami sword.

		Britta, um, it's amazing what you're doing for abed. I mean, a lot of people talk a good game. But you, you follow through. love you.

		Britta!

		uh, britta?

		well, yes, yes, i would. oh, that's nice!

		i had my blinker on about five minutes, and this no-good, clearly bald but trying to hide it with a bandana loser swooped right in. i couldn't believe it.

		he saw me!

		maybe. so you... got any family, britta?

		think my mom might visit this weekend. she and i are gonna get makeovers at that spa--

		just something i thought might be fun.

		uh, yes

		blue bird day to shred some pow. you know what? I'm good

		britta?

		oh, britta, i wasn't trying to hurt your feelings.

		oh. you can keep that bone. listening to a story about a stranger pissing me off and taking the stranger's side? and then you can't talk about your own business, but you insinuate my mama's a robot because she and i want makeovers. that is the ladies' room, britta, a place where ladies go to share, listen, support each other and... discreetly eliminate waste. and i like you too. even like that you're a little hard. but if you can't learn to be soft in there, you need to pee alone.

		shh, shh, shh. not out here. in there.

		who's my girl?

		oh, yes, you did!

		Yeah, my husband has been gone for 6 months so I think it's time for me to embrace being single

		It's disgusting the way men behave. Did you ever see that Katherine Heigl movie poster where Gerard Butler had that heart over his weiner? That resonated with me.

		Hello. Here's your drinks, mates.

		To be with professor "short skirt"? We hate her.

		Yes, absolutely. It's about Annie. We should go find that bitch's car and snap off her antenna.

		This is professor Robin Hood's office.

		I'm putting this hose in her desk, and you going outside to turn the water on.

		To teach that long-neck weave-having bank teller she can't steal another woman's man! That's why. I have a confession to make. I think some of what I just said may have more to do with my situation.

		My ex-husband came by this morning, and he, uh, he asked for his ring back. It was his mother's, and he wants to give it to his new girlfriend.

		Don't get me wrong. Best thing ever happened to me was him leaving. I just... I always thought he'd come crawling back, and I'd get to tell him, "go to hell." He couldn't even give me that. You know what the crazy thing is, Britta?

		It's like I was too proud to admit I was hurt, so I had to pretend that you were.

		I feel better now.

		Can you believe I targeted this poor lady? Look at all these awards. I bet she's nice.

		You sure you don't want a piece of that?

		I know exactly what he's doing. My ex-husband spent four weeks doing that after his "innocent mistake" of calling me Valerie. That boy's living in his car.

		Oh! They're pretty good. This isn't weird for you?

		i don't get it.

		i really think you should.

		they say it makes you lose weight, and your skin looks Really great when you do smoke.

		Britta, do you have a banana?

		I actually have no problem with that.

		Hmm, let me see that. Ooh, I can see through the door. Oh, yeah. Thar she blows.

		Okay, go, go, go.

		No, no, no, it's a bracelet. You put 'em on.

		Oh, look, Britta brought what she believes in... nothing.

		Well, that's an interesting point of view coming from an atheist.

		He can't come.

		He was raised in finland. He doesn't get our humor.

		He grew up in a land without sun!

		Is your heart gonna be okay with this?

		Okay.

		That's... f... funny.

		Upset about Jeff?

		We can talk about anything... politics, medicine, Jeff.

		Here's the thing about Jeff.

		Chasing after you made him a better person because you always called him on his stuff. All this time, you've been warming him up and stirring in sweetener and making him just right. And, sure, you weren't ready to take a sip yet, but that didn't mean you want somebody to snatch him off the counter and guzzle him down right in front of you.

		Can... can I just ask as a divorced black housewife... What part of being a single white slacker makes you people so jaded?

		It's the little things, isn't it?

		Bravo!

	dean

		the team's name is the human beings?

	chang

		what is that?

		this is spanish 101. I know how to say "hello," "tomorrow," And that tables are female. That's the only spanish you taught us.

		dirty?

		no.

		Me too.

	vaughn

		Hey, you two.

		Well, that's a cool shirt.

		Where's it from?

		Oh, that's nice.

		See ya.

	buddy

		No, we don't think we're cool at all.

		Hello.

	vaughan

		No.



Speaker: vaughn

	britta

		Hey, britta, hi. What's up?

		No worries.

		I asked politely, and then panda took his pants off.

		And panda has no pants.

		Up top, sugar bear.

		Carrots.

		I'm sorry I can't accept your apology 'cause you're toxic, Britta. You're like the exact opposite of an antioxidant. I got band practice. Lates.

		If you don't like my song, you don't have to listen, all right? I'm an artist and I write what I feel. And I feel that you suck.

	shirley

		Hey.

		Thank you. Thank you very much.

		Oh, uh, i don't even know. I guess it's-- Well, uh-- Hey, look at that. "Hanes classic."

		You know, people underestimate the elderly, You know, but you see these guys out there And they're throwing the bee And they're just loving life. It's just inspiring.

		All right. I am gonna go check on britts. See ya.

	all

		Saying good-bye to Britta was the hardest thing to do. But when someone's a bitch and a liar, there ain't nothing left to woo. I'm getting rid of Britta. What am I doing?	 I'm getting rid of the b.

		I'm getting rid of Britta, I'm getting rid of the b.

		Pierce, I don't need you in my band. I don't need your heart or your hand. I am my own person, and, Pierce, you're a b. Yeah, you heard me say it. Pierce, you're a b.

	pierce

		I know Britta's your friend, but my song is more important.

		Maybe. Assuming to "Garfunkel" someone is to keep putting up with them even though they're a fat, lazy cat who hogs the spotlight and eats lasagna.

		What? Why?

		My band, my song! You want that? How you like that?

		No worries, man. I've moved on. Lates!

		Well payed Pierce. This isn't over.

	jeff

		Hey, hi, what's up, man? I am vaughn.

		Oh, no, no, no. We're just, uh, we're just chillin'. Hey, you're not gonna order coffee?

		Hey, no judgment, bro. I used to do coffee. Then i made the switch to green tea. It's, like--It's, like, Filled with these antioxidants and stuff.

		It's pretty tight.

		There it is.

		Ultimate frisbee at the senior's center. It is amazing.

		Aw, man, if i had a nickel For every time i wished somebody asked me that.

		You know, people underestimate the elderly, You know, but you see these guys out there And they're throwing the bee And they're just loving life. It's just inspiring.

		All right. I am gonna go check on britts. See ya.



Speaker: nurse

	troy

		Okay. Two young students. Think I've been to this dance before. You guys are sexual partners, right?

		East lawn. Perfect. This a date? You'll need these.

	annie

		Okay. Two young students. Think I've been to this dance before. You guys are sexual partners, right?

		Doesn't seem to be anything wrong with you.

		Where does it hurt?

		Okay, we have to quarantine you. We got to get you to a safe distance.

		No, we... We have to observe you overnight. It's policy. We don't want another "Vanessa Parsons" on our hand. She was the "typhoid mary" of herpes. I'm kind of the hawkeye around here so it's kind of a... Are you seeing anybody?



Speaker: pierce

	piercemom

		Mom?

		ha... I'm going through a tunnel right now. I.. ca... ha..

	all

		Why is everybody wearing tape over their mouth?

		I'm not ready to die.

		This song goes out to annie.

		for believing in me. * standing in the bookstore line * * waiting for the bell to chime * * so you can go to class * * dancing in your underwear * * taking air conditioner repair *

		* greendale's the way it goes *

		* some things are still the same * * slop pails and pantyhose * * oh, annie believes in me *

		I cannot figure out the voice command part of this thing. It's like my mother

		Let's get this party started!

		Everybody, stay out of the library.

		No, I'm not ready to die!

		Is Jeff out there? He's the only one who can help.

		She's a no-good b.

		She's a gdb.

		I'm Pierce. Yeah. Song's about me.

		great. now i got to start the whole joke over again. Okay, so this guy--

		Somebody help me.

		what up, happy people?

		Classic Rosie.

		Let's get to the movie.

		Hey, that's not fair. I didn't know we started.

		So... Clearly we're all a bunch of funny people. When are we doing this again?

		Well, I was just warming up tonight. Tomorrow you better foam the runways, 'cause I'm bringing my "a" game.

		let's light this candle. Who's ready for some kickpunching?

		My brother died on the set of that movie. One of the mechanical spiders just went haywire and tore him to pieces. Tom Selleck just stood there. He just stood there and... and watched him die.

		Fine! You got me. I did a little advance work. Pathetic? No, I'll tell you what's pathetic... you all sitting there making fun of other people's work. You don't feel good about yourselves, so you have to tear down everything around you. What's the matter? Mama Chang didn't breast-feed?

		You all sicken me! And I will no longer participate in your destructive, negative behavior.

		Biggest laugh of the night.

	doreen

		Hey, honey, say caber-net sauv-a-gong-da-nun.

		Honey, you're boring the crap out of Jeff.

		Well, then, I'm gonna go get us another round.

		Here. Rrrrr... Oh, they already left? What a couple of nincompoops! Uh, before I buy dinner, I have to ask... is there any lovemaking on the table?

	group

		i'm also a toast master, so perhaps I should do the introductions.

		I am a prominent business leader And a highly sought after dinner guest And i will not take courting advice From some teenage boy.

		What does that,

		Big mistake.

		The Dalai Lama and I--

		Sounds good.

		Don't use that word around Abed. In any case, if you want me to have a chat with Jeff, I'd be happy to do it. We've got a bond going, kind of. Sorta like brothers.

		I wonder what this express package could be? Somebody had to get something to me very fast.

		Oh, yes. My ear-Noculars.

		What's that?

		Hey, guys, guys, guys? Annie is talking about some kind of experiment.

		Britta's making the change to green tea.

		That's right. Laugh it up. You guys want to know what they're doing?

		Making fun of all of us.

		He's crying. Now he's barking.

		who do you guys think cheated?

		as far as i'm concerned, there's only one black hole worth studying. it's called sagittarius a, it's located in the center of our galaxy, and it has the density of 40 suns. just like my weiner.

		I lived in my car for a stretch in the '70s. Nothing like bedding a woman on the vinyl backseat of a Skylark. Of course, we didn't have the same safety standards back then so... No condoms. I tell you, before aids, sex was like shaking hands.

		so then the guy says to the housekeeper, "make sure she's dead." Stop me if you heard this one before.

		the housekeeper says to the guy, "we don't have a pool." And the guy says...

		who's that old guy?

		oh, come on!

		what? First, we give a month to black history, Now we're blowing seven days on the irish.

		you know, if senor chang gets any crazier, He's gonna win one of those grammy awards.

		i don't get it.

		what is it, the chair?

		it's all right, i've been divorced seven times. Don't answer your phones And bury all your money in the backyard.

		he gets any nuttier, they're gonna put him on the view.

		what are we gonna do? we gonna study?

		Hey, guys, Jeff and I are double-dating tonight with my new girlfriend.

		No, no, no, that's just her profession. She doesn't escort me. No, no. I met her in my marketing class. And I'm taking Doreen to Annie's mixer tonight.

		Nonsense. Men were wired to fight each other so that women could choose the right mate.

		I'm born-again.

		Yeah, we had a re-birthing ritual in my friend's hot tub. I'm now a level-five laser lotus in my Buddhist community.

		Guess what happened to me.

		I say we keep buddy in the group.

		I've given it a lot of thought, and frankly I like his in-your-face style.

		This is why we need new blood. I'm so bored of you pop culture references And your cigarette-legged jeans.

		Well, say your vote out loud.

		Troy's got a point.

		Listen up. We outnumber this guy six to one. Annie, you flash your breasts as a decoy for the bum rush.

		And that, ladies and gentlemen, Is why I voted to keep him.

		Good morning.

		You thought I was dead, didn't you?

		You people have any idea how emasculating that is? I'm not Mickey Rooney. You don't have to cross your fingers to see if I'll show up. You know, when I was 30, people used to wish that I was dead to my face! That's called respect.

		Well, this is already ridiculous.

		Good Lord. Is she a water pot or a tea kettle?

		Don't you think the flowers are dying from the tea?

		Shh, shh!

		So embarrassing.

		Ooh! Plot twist.

		Culturally, it's unacceptable, but it's theatrical dynamite!

		Then I was gonna say, "it's a good day to be gay."

		his songs are dumber than he is.

		So just to be clear, I don't have a shot with any of you?

	buddy

		I've never seen you before in my life.

		Maybe a little less sugar next time.

	jeff

		are you the board-certified tutor?

		Jeff, it's a pleasure. My name is Pierce Hawthorne and, yes, That is Hawthorne as in Hawthorne wipes, The award-winning moist towellete.

		all right, you already know brittles.

		Abed. Abed the arab. Is that inappropriate?

		roy. roy the wonder boy.

		little princess elizabeth.

		and finally, this beautiful creature is named Shirley.

		pardon you?

		what advances?

		Uh, Jeff, if you have all the answers, why the hell did you start this study group?

		I like you, Jeffrey. You remind me of myself at your age.

		You know, I've been divorced seven times. Sometimes, I think I'm doing something wrong.

		I never looked at it that way.

		Morning, Jeffrey. People were jazzed to see me too.

		Tell you what, you take her. I have less to prove. You can't pursue people so desperately. It starts to creep them out. Why don't we go get a beer? I'll give you some advice, and we can have what the  kids are calling a sausage fest.

		Next time, then.

		Can you believe this? What are the odds?

		That's a nice shirt. Want to sell it?

		What's the moist towelette industry like? Believe me, it's nothing like the product. Nah. It's a hard, dry, large business. Destroyed all my marriages. Of course it didn't help any that  I can't have children. I'm not sterile. In fact, it's a rare condition they call "hyper-virility". Apparently my sperm shoot through the egg like bullets. Can you believe that?

		Hemingway's Lemonade.

		Am I a piece of garbage to you?

		Got ya. Let's have one drink before we work. To the "empowerage" of words.

		So what's up with you, Jeffrey? It seems like you got a burr up your ass or something.

		Forget Britta. ...you have to know is her name. What is she, a water filter? She's ugly.

		What are you doing?

		Oh no no no. This is the first time people are gonna see Winger and Hawthorne together. We are gonna show them we're a force to be reckoned with. Come on, let's brainstorm some story ideas. Better yet, before we do that, let's ask ourselves... What is a story?

		Alright, tell me what I've got so far.

		You're right. Needs more work.

		Okay What do we do about the ending of act two?

		Wait a minute, Wait a minute, Wait a minute. You're bailing on our first sausage fest? This is your definition of friendship?

		That's all you had to say, Jeff.

		Awesome! Look at awesome Jeffrey Winger. Too awesome for old Pierce with your hip shirts, and your gelled hair, and your cool tape over your mouth.

		Oh, good. Cause I know what I'd like to protest... How much you hurt me.

		First, you constantly blow me off, then you want me to do your homework, then you tell me I'm trying too hard to be your friend so you have to go. You have to come out here to pretend to care about the stupid stuff she cares about.

		I'll show you some sperm, buddy. Was this your idea? What the hell? Fire.

		All right.

		Si.

		You did an all right job  up there, my friend.

		A couple of notes You got this thing you do with your face when you're trying to be funny that forces people to think about how cool you think you are.

		I heard you with my own ear...noculars.

		Oh, good. Well, in that case. But if we're gonna do something, let's do it as a team. I will get the ball rolling. Maybe he has a tiny penis.

		Got rid of it. You see, jeff, there are certain things Man was not meant to hear. We were designed, by whatever entity you choose, To hear what's in this range, And really, this range alone. Because you know who's talking to us in this range? The people we love.

		gentlemen... i present to you the greendale human being.

		see, jeff, this is a chart of the features we're staying away from-- pan-asian eye folds, irish chins, women's breasts.

		oh, sorry. hey, say hello to our ethnically neutral mascot-- the greendale human being. the costume makes it difficult for him to see.

		What are you going as? A gay douchebag? Just kidding.

		I know, you're not much of a liking the ladies guy either, huh? Oop. Body blow. Is that liquor?

		I'm old? What do you mean old? Whose hands are these? Help me!

		I'm gonna crush myself to death with desks and tables, Jeff!

		I never saw Beastmaster. I just wanted to be cool.

		Those floating Mexican skeletons were right. My life is over.

		I'm old, Jeff.

		well, I do have a young, African-American friend.

		Yeah?

		Yeah!

		Jeff, she's right there.

		by the way, jeff, i think your shirt's trying To get out of your pants.

		yeah, go tongue chang.

		what kind of a person is asked to help other people And then helps himself!

		heh. and i had a great sandwich.

		uh, we're the best.

		i know your secret. I know about the chair.

		Jeff... you and I are friends, right?

		You may have noticed a recent change in my demeanor.

		Well, I have a new girlfriend. And she is super smart, if you know what I mean.

		Can't wait for you to meet her. You know, when you catch a big fish, you want to stuff her and put her on the mantle. How 'bout tonight?

		So, Jeff, dust off that black book and rustle up a honey, huh?

		Well, I guess it is pretty short notice. Probably couldn't get a date anyway.

		You know, I wonder, Jeffrey, for all your feather flashing, when was the last time you actually scored?

		Oh, hello, Jeffrey.

		I was just going into the fair to wait for my smokin'-hot date.

		How 'bout you? Were you ever able to, you know, come up with a, you know, date?

		Don't worry about it, kid. What you're going through is a dry spell. From my experience, they don't last any more than 12, 13 years.

		Excuse me.

		Yeah.

		Oh, you must have a great personality.

		Congratulations, Jeff. You proved me wrong. You got a girl.

		Oh, this is Doreen. Ready for our double date?

		Hey, look how gorgeous Doreen is tonight. Hey, can we... Let's lay out our plans for the evening. You wing man me, I wing man you. Maybe we split up for a little hoo-ha. And then meet in the morning for eggs and... details.

		You know, Doreen speaks six languages. You should hear her order wine in French.

		Well, then, I'm gonna go get us another round.

		There he is. Back already. Detail time?

		Oh, it's not Greendale, Jeff, it's you. You're becoming more mature. I mean, a man reaches a point in his life where he stops looking for a place to hang his underwear and starts looking for a place to hang his hat.

		Oh, uh, she said if I wanted to continue the night I'd have to pay.

		Oh, no, it was a wake-up call. Doreen's a very special lady. I did not treat her right. I have stuff to work on, you know?

		We're both gonna get there. Here's to being better men.

		So could I borrow 200 bucks?

		You know, for 220 I can get the...

		Ooh, I can get it twice. Ah, college. Best years of our lives.

		So what's the deal, Jeff? You leave your stones in your other suit? Why didn't you rap that guy in the face?

		Agnostic... lazy man's atheist.

		Well, I aced it, amigo. That means "cousin".

		I know guys like this Mike. He used to be a nerd. Now he's a meathead. Dangerous combo. Tyson, Lou Ferrigno, Rosie O'Donnell.

		Are you telling me you've never been punched in the face?

		Every man should be punched in the face. It's a rite of passage. In my day, Friday night was smoke a doobie, feel up a gal, and then get your teeth knocked out by a republican.

		All right, I've seen enough. Let's see what we're working with. Go ahead, throw a few at the old paws. What are you, a North Korean seamstress?

		Get mad! Come on! If it helps, think of me as somebody who annoys you. Ooh, that's it! That's... that's good.

		Boys, this is not a game. You gotta be ready for anything.

		You're welcome!

		Jeffrey, you're a man now. How's it feel?

		Some people just don't know how to say thank you.

		Good to hear you admit it, jeff.

		He throws off our balance. We've got three chicks, three dudes, And now two weirdos.

		It's exactly the way I would have done it, jeff.

		Oh, my third wife was biracial.

		That's ridiculous. Obviously, it's a guy.

		Thank you.

		Hey! Could you open the back door?

		Well, Jeff, you've taken a big step in knocking down the barriers between students and teachers... Just like Rosa Parks.

		No, it's just like that.

		Jerry Rice? Oh, God. I liked him.

		Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh!

	movie

		Freeze police? Don't do that. They'll get cold.

		"Directed by Kim Yang." Asian... Can't direct, can't drive.

		Change? Time to change the channel. This guy's gonna be begging for change, he keeps making movies this bad. They should change this movie to something good. I wish this crap-apillar would change into a butterfly and fly away. That's change we can believe in.

	self

		"Ass-burger".

		* green-dale * * green-dale * * slop *  Mm, nah. * green * * gree--green * * greendale isn't a slop pail *

		I've got it. * greendale, greendale little star-- * Oh!

		ah. whoa-oh. i'll go with a pencil.

		What?

		Oh...

		No, Abed!

		That is "girl" for "talk to Vaughn".

		oh, an email.

		"PC-ness."

		Tell it to the birthday cake you never got.

		Tea for two? There... there're five people.

	extra

		That is a pretty big discount.

	dean

		thank you, dean, thank you.

		well, we are missing a pipsqueak, but we don't want one, so beat it.

		sorry. just my luck.

		oh, i can help you with that, your honor. i have a wealth of experience in image management, icon development, and y2k preparedness.

		that's no problem. by the way, i took the liberty of thumbnailing a human being prototype which i modeled after da vinci's vitruvian man. the penis is a little small, i think.

		so...black?

		okay. fill me in later.

		gentlemen... i present to you the greendale human being.

		i think if we add in a little bit of phylicia rashad we'll be in better shape.

		ooh! i left the nose in the kiln.

		here it is. still hot.

		oh, dean, i'm gonna get some more coffee. you want anything?

		la bamba. got it.

		we've solved racism. what's next?

		little albinos.

	troy

		hey.

		No, no, no, come on. Bears have feet.

		You little twerp.

		I forgive you.

		He's good, isn't he?

		That's funny. You know, Jeff probably comes late so he doesn't have to sit through all of your tardiness.

		You realize these conversations are due in the morning. Don't you?

		Hacks.

		she's not?

		i've seen men in your situation, Troy. No, those are both for me. You were on top of the world before And now no one gives a rat's ass. I can help you with your image. First, lose the jacket. You look like a high school bitch. But more importantly, it's your sneeze. When i was a ceo, I had an array of masculine sneezes That asserted dominance. You know, like, the explosive, Shock-the-room-into-silence sneeze. Or the draw-them-in sneeze. You know... And maybe i wouldn't sneeze because i'm in control. You could even use a sneeze to drive home a point even. Like, i think-- i think the cubs Are going to win it all this year. What do you think?

		No, no, no, no, no. This is my cell phone headset. And this is ear-Noculars. It's for spies and whatnot. It gives you sonic hearing.

		i don't.

		all right, guys, are we gonna do this thing?

		If this stands for "What would Billy Joel do", I'll tell you right now... he'd write another crappy song.

		Oh, then it's settled. We have to teach Jeffrey how to fight. I know a few moves.

		Troy, I assume you're handy with a switchblade.

		Well, that foxy Black girl thinks it is.

		You know, there's an old Buddhist saying in my vision group...

		You traitors! I'm appalled that your lack of loyalty. Yeah, you better run

		Troy! What you did up there really took guts. I'm impressed.

		Yeah. And such a creative way to tell the world you're gay.

		What? You think I'm too old to make monkeyshines at a picture show? Come on. I'm younger than the three of you put together.

		Maybe I'm just that brilliant.

	abed

		there's breakfast?

		Soup?

		Sorry, Abed.

		What, Hippies?

		You realize these conversations are due in the morning. Don't you?

		Hacks.

		or a family dinner.

		shut up, boo-boo head.

		Yes, I am.

		Fantastic.

		Heard stories about it, yeah.

		Look, I really don't need your advice, and I'm not your pantsless grandpa.

		i'd rather die than listen.

		i'd like to exterminate this conversation.

		all right, guys, are we gonna do this thing?

		Still waiting on those cookies, Abed.

		Oh, then it's settled. We have to teach Jeffrey how to fight. I know a few moves.

		Abed, you get back to the family tent, try to find a chicken for Jeff to Chase.

		Sorry, abed.

		You traitors! I'm appalled that your lack of loyalty. Yeah, you better run

		What time do you want us there?

		What? You think I'm too old to make monkeyshines at a picture show? Come on. I'm younger than the three of you put together.

		What? No, no, you can't do that. We just watched kickpuncher. We have to see kickpuncher 2. I have so many unanswered questions.

		What do you mean? I'm making jokes during the movie.

		Maybe I'm just that brilliant.

		That in itself is a laugh. I know I'm funny. I don't need any of you people to validate me.

	comedyclub

		All right, guys, you hear that pause right after he says, "and a good day"? What do you got for me there?

		I don't get it.

		Oh, buzz, how many times can you keep going to that well?

		Come on, guys. I'm starting to wonder if you even deserve to call yourselves a community college sketch comedy troupe. I told you, on movie night, I need to blow these punks out of the water. I need Phyllis Diller-grade stuff.

		What are you, my third wife's therapist?

		You're a genius.

		What?

		Don't flatter yourselves.

	annie

		If it's so serious, why don't they call it meningitis?

		Uh-Huh. Calling me "hacky sack" And ripping my--My six pack abs and my moist hair.

		are you a musician?

		well, i guess that's your fault, isn't it?

		you've got an accomplished Pianist and songwriter sitting 3 feet away from you. I wrote the jingle For hawthorne wipe's moist towelettes. I would have done your song for free. Smooth move, metamucil.

		yo.

		well, that's more like it.

		this friday? this friday?

		no, no, no! You really don't know much about genius, do you? Yes, i can do it by friday.

		i know!

		hi, almost done.

		you can tell the dean i'll have a song That'll make the devil poop god's pants.

		well, uh, yeah, sure. I, uh--i'll probably open with something like this. uh... You know, a note like that. And end with a note like that. Uh, the words, i can't tell you. You know, the rest is really a surprise.

		a musician sees music in everything, annie. I mean, it could be... * moo shoo pork * * squab with lettuce * * You see? i mean, it just comes out. You know what? you really shouldn't be here right now.

		you are inside a throbbing, cosmic womb Of creativity, And when this baby starts kicking, I cannot be responsible for your sanity. i know it sounds funny, But let me play you out, okay? Playing you out now, this song. You know, like on stage? playing you out, okay? Thanks for coming. bye-bye.

		I'm a fraud, annie.

		oh, yeah, yeah, sure, the haw-- You want to hear it? here. * you'll be wiping off that ketchup * * with our wipes, hawthorne wipes! * * you'll be wiping off that mustard * * with our wipes at the picnic! *

		i know! i steal everything. You backed the wrong horse. i got nothing.

		well, you shouldn't. i quit.

		the way it goes. That's it.

		oh, sorry. hey, say hello to our ethnically neutral mascot-- the greendale human being. the costume makes it difficult for him to see.

		Oh, I thought I shouted you the response from the phone here. Access email

		Not me. I could do this all night. I love you

		And Annie knows a thing or two about guilt. Am I right, Jew?

		Jewie?

		No, I became even cooler. These ironic tee shirts are all the rage.

		What?

		That doesn't mean you're not having sex.

	starburns

		You know, the usual cool stuff. I've got 'ludes, uh, dreamers... Johnny boys.

		I don't know, Starburns. I'm...

		Hey, hey, who said you weren't? Saddle up, fruit pie.

		Hey, uh, man? What'd you slip me? I keep grinding my teeth, and I want to kiss everybody.

		Have you decided?

		I don't pop in video. Let me do the song in person. Getting rid of Britta. Getting rid of the B. She's the GDB. She's a... no good B

	britta

		His words, not mine.

		okay, grandpa.

		well, i may be a genius, but i'm not a lesbian.

		are you kidding?

		I am the Beastmaster. From the movie Beastmaster. What rock have you been living under?

		Vaughn? The guy with the tiny nipples you did it with.

		Let me talk to him for you. Man-to-man is better. We won't think about our chubby thighs or whether or not we can have babies.

		Your hormones are clouding your...

		Brittles, I forgot to tell you, I went and talked to Vaughn. The bad news is I could not patch up things between you. You really did a number on him. Good news is I'm the new keyboardist in his band.

		You're missing the headline. I'm in a rock band!

		Oh, yeah, totally.

		have you thought about hypnotherapy? I know a dynamite hypnotherapist.

		his name is pierce hawthorne. And i'm very effective.

		you would? super. i'll set it up.

		and i appreciate the opportunity. You know, sometimes, i think People don't take me seriously.

		Just checking the time. Now close your eyes. Keep them closed at all times. And listen to the soothing sound of my voice. The only word that will bring you out Is gorilla. Okay, now focus on the rhythm Of your own breathing. And when you feel the desire To light up a cigarette, You will associate these urges With things in your life that disgust you. Bad-tasting food. Sex with men. Wearing attractive clothing. And soon... Oh, god, i think i really hurt myself!

		Oh, britta, wake up! Why'd i put you under so well? Damn my talent.

		the next time you even see a cigarette, You will think of things that disgust you. And while you're under so deep, You'll find yourself attracted To slightly older men. Perhaps, some barrel-chested stud With just enough tummy to love. You'll want to buy him dinner, Then go back to his hot tub. Perhaps, you'll invite one of your friends To join us for a three-way. Maybe someone with low self-esteem And slightly larger breasts.

		a-ha!

		i know. I saw you. What do you think i am, some kind of a joke?

		how dare you pity me? I may be a little older, My ideas may seem weird, And my fashion sense may cause envy. But i have a lot to offer. And i will not be pitied. Do not help me up.

		yes. i did?

		ah! who's the third?

		all right, dial it back a little, britta.

		That guy wasn't gay. He had a moustache.

		Just by asking me that question, you've put me back down to a level four. You now owe me 2,000 Energon cubes.

		Britta, put your blouse back on.

		Where should I put my Buddha incense holder?

		Suck it, Nietzsche!

		Don't be upset. I didn't pick you as a decoy 'cause your breasts are so old.

	shirley

		sexually harassing? what? That makes no sense to me. Why would i harass somebody who turns me on?

		If it's so serious, why don't they call it meningitis?

		you know, i was really moved by your honesty earlier. Particularly the part about your husband Not being able, you know...

		And that face you made? Well, i think it's pretty obviously annie.

		Oh, good. Well, in that case. But if we're gonna do something, let's do it as a team. I will get the ball rolling. Maybe he has a tiny penis.

		Message received

		This is a real barn-burner. God, did i just say cross-burner?

		oh, good.

		i can help you with that.

		yawn!

		no. Do you know anybody who reads from cards? No, you don't, and that's why. Also you might consider a darker top.

		oh, and  Don't--don't, uh, lock your knees. Never lock your knees. You know what happens when you lock your knees? You die. Second, When you want to drive home a point, Hand them a sandwich. Try it. hand them a sandwich.

		yeah, except you just dropped, uh, the sandwich, As opposed to handing it to them.

		right. so yeah. And try attention-grabbing words to wake up the audience Such as, uh, "multiple orgasm."

		yeah, and about these filler words of yours. I mean, nobody wants to buy brownies from somebody who says, "um," and "like." I have a method for fixing that. start from the top.

		uh!

		uh!

		like!

		whatever, valley girl.

		best closer to a presentation, a nicholson quote. Uh, you take a phrase from one of his films And you tailor it to your product. You can't handle a moist towelette! Something like that, you know? But you can't use that one. that's--that's mine.

		sure.

		okay. Just don't let anybody know i was involved.

		I told him not to fight. He wouldn't listen. I don't know what that is.

		Shirley, don't embarrass yourself. I'm sure they don't want to invite a housewife.

		What? You think I'm too old to make monkeyshines at a picture show? Come on. I'm younger than the three of you put together.

		Oh, I'm sorry, Shirley. I'll wait if you want to serve beverages.

		Check your email.

		Who the hell is Pam?

	chang

		What? Did you say S?

		why doesn't annie have to write it?

		Actually, uh, that was my present to Jeff.

		Did you say "s"?

	vaughn

		All right, hold on here. Can I have a word with you? Could you come here, please, for a second? What'd you say?

		Your song. We wrote it together. Are you trying to Garfunkel me?

		I get it. You're jealous.

		I don't know. Because when I were these skinny jeans, my ass looks like a baby pumpkin. Or because I'm not a small-nippled, credit-hogging jag who only knows three power cords.

		You get on that horse.

		Vaughn, I just want you to know, I haven't changed my mind. I am out. Also, do me a favor, will you lay off Britta? She may walk like she just got off a horse, but underneath all that clown makeup, she's a good kid.

		Lates. Okay. Snakes. What?

	humanbeing

		great idea. let's do it!

	vaughan

		Here, read it.

		Eat me.



Speaker: doreen

	pierce

		Pierce, you're embarrassing me.

		We're through, Pierce. I'm gonna go to the bar, and you can join me if you'd like. And we can still have a lovely evening. But it will cost you 200 bucks.

	jeff

		Well, I did have a client who owned a vineyard in Napa. He was into S&M and Merlot, so we called it S&M&M.

		They're in the shop. You know, despite what most people think, I actually spend most of my time talking. As men get older, they want to spend their time with someone they can have a real conversation with.

		"Going to", Jeff? Look, Sabrina's cute, but she thinks that Monty Python is the evil snake from Harry Potter.

		You can do better.



Speaker: whitman

	all

		death... So-called... Is a thing that makes men weep. And yet a third of life is spent In sleep. Open your textbooks to page 37. Now...close them and throw them away. Throw it away! Throw it away! For those of you who are new, The motto of this class: carpe diem. "seize the day!" No tests! no papers. You want an "a"? Live in... The moment.

		take off your shoes. Quick. take off your shoes. everyone, take your shoes off. Throw them away. Throw them across the room over there. Today, we learn to walk! Get up and walk out the door! This day could be your last!

		day seized. Only when we stop stopping our lives Can we begin to start starting them. Ms. Edison here, for example, would rather write About what happens to other people Than live what is happening to her.

		Get up on your desk. Come on. stand on your desk. Up on your desk. She made it! ha ha! Everyone stand on your desks! Up, up, up, up, up! come on. Rise, rise, rise above the programming. All your lives you were told don't stand on your desks. Well, why not?

		she's okay. Go to the nurse. seize the day.

		your homework. ah. I want you to swim in a lake And tell ten people that you love them.

	dean

		let's take this bacchanalia outside.

	jeff

		You are new.

		i like it!

		Mr. winger, can i have a word, please?

		hi. Mr. winger, i like to think that every life That passes through this class is changed. But every year, there's always one cocky opportunist Who's just here to coast and grab an easy "a."

		It's actually you, mr. winger. You have no intention of seizing the day.

		well, i'm glad to hear it. Because if you don't genuinely seize the day Before the end of the week, Then you will be seizing an "f" for the semester.

		boo. an ordinary coffee for an ordinary life.

		sorry, mr. winger, these won't cut it.

		sloppy. And considering the age of these girls, Unwittingly creepy.

		had i not already cried at the sunrise this morning, I would be weeping right now.

		what do you mean, Jeff? What does your life mean? How long does it take you in the morning To--to make it look like you have bed head? How many sweat pants, sport jacket combos did you try Before you found the one that said "i don't care"? Seize the day, Jeff, for real. Go running naked in a hailstorm, Kiss a girl in the middle of the day, Fly a kite, but do it for yourself. Or you won't just fail my class, You'll fail life.

		day seized!

		"a" plus, winger. I know a life-changing kiss when i see one. Wowee! ha ha!

		jeffrey, as debate coach, I am offering you an opportunity To spend the night drinking from the cup of life Rather than romancing your nether regions In front of the e! channel.

		old trick for achieving the proper competitive mindset, I always envision my opponent having aggressive sex With my mother.

		jeffrey. Your preparation was impeccable. You remind me of a young me With slightly worse hair.

	self

		huzzah!

	extra

		You could die in your sleep.

		You could get hit by a bus.

		You, that mole is raised and dark.

		It's not a good combo.

		i shall have... A birthday cake!

	abed

		Full moon tonight.

	annie

		well, here's a quiz for you. Why did the pretty young girl die alone Surrounded by sweater-wearing cats Who are trained to use human toilets?

	shirley

		what's your name?

		Shirley, you get an "a"...

		if you can tell me why you are here at greendale.

		Shirley?

		why...are you here?

		why are you here?

	basketballcoach

		by zeus, what sort of jackassery is this? We're in the middle of a championship debate.

	debate

		counterpoint.

		rebuttal.

		double rejoinder.



Speaker: leclair

	britta

		Britta.

	all

		Oh, I can't wait for the recital. You are all wonderful,

	pianist

		Play something modern.

	troy

		especially you, Troy.



Speaker: deanbot

	self

		greendale, greendale, Greendale!



Speaker: professor

	shirley

		ms. bennett, i'm afraid i have to ask you To put down the cards.



Speaker: comedyclub

	pierce

		And a good day for a nutritious breakfast.

		It's a good day for a terrible movie.

		A good day for hair products.

		Wouldn't you rather just watch a movie with your friends and have a good time?

		What if he said, "it's a good day for..." And you said, "for being gay"?

		I said we write great jokes.

	self

		He likes gay jokes.



Speaker: rapper

	all

		This song's for Pierce 'cause he's so old His body made of wrinkles and folds. Stupid and ugly, he smell like a fart, the poo-poo in his pants and poo-poo in my heart.

	pierce

		East side, west side, North side, south Vaughn's breath is so bad, His butts mad at his mouth This rap is by Pierce, Vaughn is dumb He wears diapers to bed, And sucks his mothers thumb And when he wakes up, Stupid wishing he was me He has a big poop breakfast, With a glass of pee Then he goes to school, Where he's stupid again And everybody hates him, Even all his friends When you come after Pierce, Then the battle is on So this rap goes out, To stupid Vaughn



Speaker: abed

	all

		Attention, Greendale students. Don't use the condoms! If you're going to have sex tonight, don't use condoms.

		Shirley in the house.

		Yeah. Okay.

		kickpuncher 2.

	dean

		Okay.

	jeff

		i'm only half-arabic, actually. My dad is palestinian. He's a u.s. citizen. He's not a threat to national security or anything. A lot of people want to know that after they meet him, because he has an angry energy. But not, like, angry at america. Just angry at my mom for leaving him. Although she did leave because he was angry and he was angry because she's american. My name's Abed, by the way.

		oh, uh, 5 after 11:00 when you asked.

		yeah?

		well, i only talked to her once While she was borrowing a pencil, but, Her name is Britta, she's 28, birthday in october, She has two older brothers and one of 'em Works with children who have a disorder I might want to look up. Oh, and she thinks she's gonna flunk Tomorrow's test, so she really needs to focus So she's sorry if that makes her seem cold.

		that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

		Britta invited me. is that cool?

		cool.

		cool, cool, cool. Cool, cool, cool. hey, this is kind of like breakfast club, huh?

		yeah. i'm sure we've each got an issue balled up inside of us  that would make us cry if we talked about it.

		well, i got a little doozy in the chamber if things get emotional.

		Oh. hey, text message. Let's give this bad boy a read.

		I've never got one of these

		"say you have to pee. i need to talk to you."

		"say you have to pee. I need to talk to you."

		no.

		that's so weird.

		does it say you have to pee?

		not sure. But i invited more people from spanish class. Is that cool? 

		Nobody puts baby in the corner.

		This?

		This isn't like Breakfast Club anymore. Now it's like Stripes or Meatballs. Anything with Bill Murray, really.

		You know, I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Michael Douglas in any of his films.

		Yeah.

		I'm sorry I called you Michael Douglas and I see your value now.

		Good entrance.

		Actually, there's nothing...

		You want me to bring your car around, Jeff?

		No.

		I don't want your money. I want your shirt.

		I've had my eye on it since registration day.

		I don't think you understand. I want to wear it out of here.

		What are you guys doing?

		It's a silent protest. Lots of candles. Gets the ladies in the mood for social  change. If you know what I mean. Good chance to put some miles on this shirt.

		not a fan. In every movie, there's an authority figure That gets mad at him for making people laugh.

		oh, can't.

		actually, i'm doing a movie about my dad.

		yeah.

		i'll have to make some adjustments to my film. Jeff, i think you should play the role of my father.

		that's perfect. you already know your lines.

		Cool tie, Jeff. Are you wearing that Because you're playing the role of my dad, Or is it really christmas?

		And, Jeff, let me get you something.

		oh, come on. i got you.

		no, really. you're insulting me. Look at all this cash.

		good.

		not really.

		i was shooting my movie.

		what do you think, dad?

		i'm finished.

		Britta, Jeff, dad.

		what do you think, dad?

		is this bruce hornsby?

		does he know he stole it?

		can we get sued?

		well, that's sort of my gimmick. but we did lean on that pretty hard last week. i can lay low for an episode.

		There's a storm building on the horizon, but you and I will save the night. Chex mix, pretzels, baby carrots, predictable but appetizing.

		Jeff, you must return to Annie's party. She's feeling unpopular.

		Way to go. I know I'm not Batman. You could try not being a jerk.

		Yeah?

		If I stay, there can be no party.

		Stay with me. My room has a bunk bed, which is a misnomer because it's the real deal.

		Yeah. Cool. You want the top or the bottom bunk?

		Me too. Race you for it I win.

		Jeff, did I say anything in my sleep about farm animals or Brian Williams?

		Cool. Cool cool cool. Lucky charms?

		Sometimes I like to pour hot cocoa mix into cold milk and drink like it like a cold hot chocolate. I call it "special drink".

		You're Goldie Hawn, Jeff.

		You're Goldie Hawn.

		No. In overboard, she was just like you. Wealthy, assertive, arrogant. Got manicures all the time. But she fell off her boat, good thing for her because, she realized she was happier being poor and rising four boys with Kurt Russell.

		Do whatever you want. You just have to know what that is. For me, it's Lucky Charms... and tv.

		Really great to have somebody to watch stuff with. My dad never wanted to watch anything so I was kind of raised by tv.

		Cop Rock. That sounds cool.

		Cool.

		You look like you moved out.

		Yep.

		You're a huge nerd.

		is there a rat in here?

		it's true.

		Troy and I played basketball. It was fun.

		You got it.

		What religion are you, Jeff?

		So what's my role going to be in the fight? Is there a key moment where I finally stand up for myself and take revenge on the villain?

		Yeah I will. In his face!

		You've never been in a fight?

		You're like hawkeye on m.A.S.H. He kept his upbeat humor and charm Even in the 11th year of the korean war.

		Jeff, I need to take your picture. We got it.

		This character reboot is really gelling for you, jeff. That was all classic hawkeye. Sending soldiers out for liquor. Slyly sidestepping the problematic scrutiny Of annie "hot lips" edison. I should build you a still for making hawkeye martinis.

		Call me radar.

		Not all weirdos are bad. But he might be a puckish agent of change That changes our lives for the better Through a musical montage.

		Thank you.

		You lied about the guy in seattle With the meat tenderizer. You put your thumb on the scale. But you did it with a smile, And you did it so you could keep smiling. You're hawkeye.

		Okay.

		Jeff, what's your favorite episode of M.A.S.H.?

		That's what I thought. If you'd ever actually seen the show, You'd know that hawkeye doesn't just bed nurses And drink martinis. He also had blood sprayed on his face And barked orders when the choppers came in. If he didn't, people died. He was a leader, jeff. That's your job.

		Ooh, you made me so happy I just peed a little.

		I did. Several times, actually, but he never returned my calls.

		Yes. I do like macaroni.

	troyactor

		Uh, just have fun with it. Take 36.

	starburns

		Yeah

		Discoteca, muneca, la biblioteca

		Alright

	thug

		They're for my friends. There's a lot of other cookies left.

		You should probably stay away from Christmas-tree-shaped cookies.

		He's doing this for me. He's my bodyguard.

	troy

		Hola, mi llamo Abed

		Donde esta la biblioteca?

		Gracias

		Conflicts like these will ultimately bring us together as an unlikely family.

		yes, he was.

		am I krumping?

		am I krumping?

		am I krumping now?

		am I krumping now?

		No! This is krumping.

		[Imitates a stoner] Oh, i think it's time For burning man.

		[Imitates a stoner] Nice to meet you, dude.

		[Imitates woman] - Ooh, wow. I love reading and being a desperate housewife.

		do you think luis guzman Will ever come to visit his statue? If so, i'd like to ask him about his movie choices, particularly carlito's way, the cowboy way, the hard way, and q&a.

		really? how does he know about me?

		why would a movie actor call you?

		no.

		you never mentioned that.

		you were lying?

		yes. just kidding. no. like that? This isn't a table. Ha ha! that's funny.

		hey, troy. did you hear? All dogs are blue now. Every single dog in the world is blue. I'm just messing with you.

		okay.

		it's a notepad.

		it's probably arabic.

		oh, hey. troy. I didn't see you. Um, how long were you standing there?

		yes, that's what i was doing. You got me. I was just messing with you, but i guess i blew it again.

		whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not an alien.

		yeah.

		this is what friends do.

		cool.

		cool. bam bam!

		we went over-budget.

		36, you win! Best of three

		Hey.

		Yeah.

		You're a very attractive young man.

		You sound like cookie monster.

		That's Batman.

		Yeah, it sure does.

		Look out.

		All day.

		What is?

		You would eat yourself?

		That'd be tasty.

		Yeah.

		you don't have to worry, troy. It's just a movie. I can't predict the future.

		i don't know. They're just trying to do what they're gonna do.

		Troy, sing. The assignment is to train a rat to respond to a specific song.

		hmm?

		he did it!

		Commencing reward. i have to open the cage.

		troy?

		troy?

		because fievel's going to die.

		i thought you might want to help me out Because we are friends.

		i would face my fears to help you.

		am i? * somewhere * * out there *

		* beneath the pale... *

		thank you.

		it's the tsunami 3000 anniversary edition. You?

		i'll take the northeast. Northeast is closest to the drinking fountain--

		No.

		I'm trying to reduce my pop-cultural referencing.

		Sounds fun.

		You want my stuffed animal?

		Oh, like Stallone in over the top. But I'm not sure of all the rules. Don't I need a semi truck and a ten-year-old son?

		Uh, I want to wait for a more inspiring song. This score isn't right. There we go.

		I don't like those apples. I'm so upset. It was just a fluke I won those other games.

		But you didn't say anything.

		You're a really good friend.

		Okay.

		The characteristic of an acid to donate or accept a proton cannot be quantified for individual species, comparing two donor acceptor systems, the proton transposition H8 plus H20...

		Yeah Troy?

		Sure.

		So you're like a Muslim. Salaam alaikum.

		She's got a point. You know, in boxing, you fight for the purse and the belt.

		Oh Christmas Troy, oh Christmas Troy, thy candles shine so brightly. Oh Christmas Troy, oh Christmas Troy, much pleasure thou canst give me.

		Don't move

		You go, girl.

		Hi, guys. That was really cool. I wish I knew how to tap-dance.

		Annie.

		Pierce.

		Brita.

		Troy.

		Thank you.

		I don't know.

		I love The Big Lebowski.

		Kickpuncher, starring don "the demon" Donaldson as a cyborg cop whose punches have the power of kicks.

		Cool.

		Actually, if she doesn't mind reinforcing the stereotype, I bet Shirley would have fun talking smack at a movie.

		Hey, guys.

		Hey, I hope you don't mind. I invited senor Chang. We're Netflix friends.

		They're just jealous.

		I am Punchkicker. Meet your match.

		I love you, kickpuncher.

		I asked her. She wasn't available. Let's go film the sex scene.

	shirley

		Can i read it?

		I know you're a sweet, christian, generous person. oh, that's nice.

		i also know you have thinly veiled rage issues.

		careful, boy.

		that's my newspaper.

		shirley, i have no psychic abilities. I'm just an entertainer. But if it'll make you feel any better, Here, let me show you what i'm working on.

		yeah. and that's how you'd behave in that situation, no?

		mm-hmm.

		mm-hmm. yeah.

		shirley, i don't have powers. trust me. In my next film, we discover that pierce is an actual genius.

		no, it's not.

		thanks.

		the dean says the exterminator is coming Because of our rat.

		It's a traditional Muslim dish.

		Hi.

		Yeah. We make fun of 'em.

		Actually, if she doesn't mind reinforcing the stereotype, I bet Shirley would have fun talking smack at a movie.

		Care to join us?

		Hey, guys.

		Hey, I hope you don't mind. I invited senor Chang. We're Netflix friends.

	britta

		cool, cool, cool. Cool, cool, cool. hey, this is kind of like breakfast club, huh?

		yeah. i'm sure we've each got an issue balled up inside of us  that would make us cry if we talked about it.

		Oh. hey, text message. Let's give this bad boy a read.

		I've never got one of these

		"say you have to pee. i need to talk to you."

		"say you have to pee."

		Yeah?

		You look like Elisabeth Shue.

		What did he say?

		Spoilers.

		i'm interested in making movies. But my dad says all media's western propaganda That negatively stereotypes arabs.

		mm.

		$70.

		this is really nice of you.

		it's cool. our first assignment is a documentary. They're like real movies, but with ugly people. I'm learning a lot.

		he says "we're leaving."

		i don't think i'm really in the scene.

		good. my film is coming together.

		yeah.

		It's more expensive, But it lets me adjust really specific settings That most people don't notice or think about.

		my movie's more important.

		'cause this is the scene where you leave.

		i'm finished.

		Britta, Jeff, dad.

		yeah.

		well, Britta, it isn't called friend business, It's called show business.

		We're having the time of our lives.

		Shadowy flight into the world of a man who does not exist. Britta, may I have a word?

		You need to take Jeff back.

		He's like E.T. He crashed in my place. And we're friends now, it's great for me, but it's bad for him. He needs to get back.

		Use your lady parts.

		Don't be naive. The charge between you was keeping him going. Tell him you'll make love to him if he takes a shower and finds a nice place to live.

		Do it. Seduce him. Draw the tapeworm of Jeff out of him with your sexuality.

		Then say good-bye to E.T.

		Have you guys seen a rat? Troy knocked over fievel's cage and he escaped.

		try to join the rest of us in reality, britta.

		he's sitting in jeff's chair, So he's trying to act like jeff.

		She's got a point. You know, in boxing, you fight for the purse and the belt.

		I get 72 virgins in heaven.

		Well, you're not a typically vulnerable or feminine person, and the act of dancing is considered both vulnerable and feminine.

		Hi, guys. That was really cool. I wish I knew how to tap-dance.

		Mm, pass.

	abeddad

		i'm finished.

		Britta, Jeff, dad.

	vaughan

		Yeah.

	abedalien

		greetings, commander.

		well, he is rather arrogant And has no mercy for weaker beings.

	group

		this is getting way more like breakfast club now.

		You know what I got for Christmas? It was a banner year at the Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me, he said, "Hey, smoke up, Johnny!" "No, dad! What about you?"

		I can't feel my,

		What's going on? Can you guys hear me? Am I deaf? Can you hear me talking right now?

		That's good.

		I like it, it makes every ten minutes feel like the beginning of a new scene of a tv show. Of course, the illusion only lasts until someone says something they'd never say on tv like, how much their life is like tv. There, it's gone.

		Good studying. See you later. Bye.

		My dad will only pay for classes That will help me run the family restaurant. It's been struggling since 2001. 9/11 was pretty much the 9/11 of the falafel business.

		the memo says "for dreams."

		perfect. that's a wrap.

		troy could do the school song. Troy invited rap music, And he's related to danny glover and president obama.

		pierce and troy didn't get along at first, but now they're bonding through mutual adolescence.

		will they or won't they? sexual tension.

		i know what you're gonna say. You watched my movies on the website.

		no, i'm not a witch. I'm a student of human character. I know you guys all so well I can predict your behavior. like shirley.

		here. check this out. May i?

		jeff's character acts Like nothing around here affects him. But things bother him more than he lets on.

		he's also very vain.

		it's a gambit.

		the reason it's taking so long is because troy's afraid--

		that's very funny.

		Jeff protected my honor. It was like my bodyguard, but I was the kid from meatballs, Jeff was the guy from full metal jacket, and the moustache guy was the brother of the guy on entourage.

		I'm Muslim.

		You can drive anywhere.

		You could do your taxes.

		You could even enroll in community college.

		I've seen buddy before. He sits in the corner next to the dead plant.

		I saw that coming.

		I like his idea of ironically saying "you go, girl."

		Well, in the right stuff, the novel by tom wolfe--

		Secret vote. Everybody cover your eyes.

		When you guys first came in, we were as wholesome and healthy as the family in the Brady bunch. And now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of the Brady bunch.

		Do you guys hear that?

	duncan

		m.a.s.h.

	movie

		I must have missed that.

	garrett

		garrett, it's over. he knows.

	extra

		Hi, i would like a latte.

		i got that.

	abedactor

		Uh, just have fun with it. Take 36.

	pavel

		Pavel!

		Britta

	fievel

		* somewhere * * out there * * beneath the pale moonlight *

		* someone's * * thinking of me * * and loving me tonight *

		* it helps to think we might be wishing *

		* on the same bright star *

		* and when the night wind starts to sing *

		* a lonesome lullaby *

		* it helps to think we're sleeping *

		* underneath that same big sky *

		* somewhere *

		* out there *

		* if love can see us through *

		* then we'll be together *

		* somewhere out there *

		* out where dreams *

		* come true *

	fiebel

		fievel? Fievel? Fievel? fievel.

	slater

		Yeah.

		Well, Jeff acts as sort of the dad of the group, so emotionally this is kind of like being told that you're our new mom.

		Absolutely. Do you cook macaroni?

		Macaroni's my favorite.

	pierce

		sure.

		What are you guys doing?

		It's a silent protest. Lots of candles. Gets the ladies in the mood for social  change. If you know what I mean. Good chance to put some miles on this shirt.

		All hearing is sonic.

		Yeah.

		Taking a pill?

		Xenolovaden. My grandpa took that when he was around your age.

		But by the time grandpa got up in years, his memory wasn't great. He'd mix the wrong pills. You know how old people are?

		One time he started hallucinating and ran down the street with no pants on. Which in the Gaza Strip is considered a real party foul, so you should probably be careful...

		Hence aids.

		seriously, this hardly seems like a fair fight.

		Troy and I played basketball. It was fun.

		Why don't you like my tight jeans?

		I did.

		Actually, if she doesn't mind reinforcing the stereotype, I bet Shirley would have fun talking smack at a movie.

		Tomorrow night we're all gonna get together to watch kickpuncher 2: Codename Punchkicker.

		Actually, we decided to watch runaway instead. Tom selleck fights mechanical spiders.

		Okay, obviously something strange is happening here.

		Yeah.

		Yeah, this isn't about us. This is just a deflection because you can't get a genuine laugh.

	rat

		* somewhere out there *

		* somewhere out there * * beneath the pale moonlight *

	annie

		Ooh, tomorrow? They're showing all four indiana joneses at the vista. I am really looking forward to the first three. I bought a whip.

		Wow, i didn't realize we were really good friends. I figured we were more like chandler and phoebe. They never really had stories together. Sure, i'll do it, chandler.

		Okey-Dokey.

		Cool. See ya.

		Oh, gotcha.

		Yeah.

		Yeah, i was livid.

		Because you asked me to stay and you said we were friends.

		Indiana jones. Cool.

		the fourth one blows.

		We're cool.

		Is it under genre or on a specific playlist?

		Have you guys seen a rat? Troy knocked over fievel's cage and he escaped.

		the dean says the exterminator is coming Because of our rat.

		Sounds like a porno with Kate Winslet.

	fievelrat

		good boy, fievel.

	chang

		De nada.

		Got it.

		is there a rat in here?

		el tigre.

		Yes.

	self

		Discoteca, muneca, la biblioteca. Esta en bigotes grandes, el perro, manteca

		Buenos dias, me gusta papas frias, los bigotes de la cabra es Cameron Diaz!

		Yeah boy. Boy.

		What? It's 2009.

		Beginning transmission. The primary purpose seems to be male bonding, And the attitude during conveyance Of the random deceit is apparently of great importance. The humanoid is approximately 5'10" in height.

		Oh, no.

		I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant. Wherever a party needs to be saved, I'm there. Wherever there are masks, wherever there's tomfoolery and joy, I'm there. But sometimes I'm not, 'cause I'm out in the night, staying vigilant, watching, lurking, running, jumping, hurtling, sleeping... No, I can't sleep. You sleep. I'm awake. I don't sleep. I don't blink. Am I a bird? No. I'm a bat. I am Batman. Or am I? Yes, I am Batman. Happy Halloween.

		shirley.

		fievel.

		Yes!

		Hmm.

		Hmm.

		Mm.

		Oh, boy.

		Agh!

		Aha. Oh!

		Oh!



Speaker: owenwilson

	buddy

		Hey, buddy.

		The group thought about what you said. We took a vote, and you're in.

		Look at him. It's like christmas morning for the guy. Welcome.

		Hey, buddy, you don't have to worry about them. You're with us now. Come on.

	starburns

		I love the kicks.

		The kicks are the best. He's just got that kind of-- You know when some people have it...



Speaker: annie

	all

		Hi, everyone.

		no! I've never... gotten a zero before.

		Tonight, in the library, I will be hosting a "dia de los muertos" party. Dia de los muertos, or day of the dead, is sometimes refered to as mexican Halloween

		Um, most of you have responded to my e-vite, but some of you remain evasive, so...

		Okay, everyone. I think we can begin. I've got everyone's personalized cookie tombstones, por tradicion, and in a few minutes, we're going to start the dance of the dead... La danza de los muertos.

		Party on.

		Okay, it's time for the "dance of the dead". Everyone form a circle. Lights. Music.

		Now for the first dance, I'd like to invite a very special guest to the floor. Jeff Winger? Jeff? Where's Jeff?

		You know what? I don't want to express myself. I don't want to sit in a room full of people and say the "p" word. I like being repressed. I am totally comfortable being uncomfortable with my sexuality. And maybe, just maybe, if everyone were a little bit more like me, we wouldn't have to have an STD fair.

		By the way, now that I've gotten a good look at one, I don't see what all the fuss was about. A giant thumb in a turtleneck. Whoop-dee-do!

	dean

		troy isn't interested in football anymore. getting injured in that keg stand was the best thing that ever happened to him.

		there he is.

		whoa, whoa, whoa. He's going off book.

		So I booked a sketch artist, an improve troupe, and there'll be a laser projecting a burning pelvis onto the ceiling.

		I was voted most likely to succeed at my rehab clinic.

		Um, I don't know if I'm the right person for that.

		Tell me, dean, when I refer to you in my article, Would you prefer "imbecile" or "incompetent?"

		It doesn't matter what you want. The people want the truth. I have to give it to them. And I won't let anyone stand in my way. Excuse me.

		Thank you.

	jeff

		what board certifies a tutor?

		What about the "Look Left" speech?

		My Lord.

		I sang Christmas carols at a nursing home once. I've seen the face of dementia, and last night I saw it again.

		well, some of us are here to actually learn things.

		i may be naive, but i'm not stupid.

		We are studying, so Troy is busy

		i've been following you. how much did the dean pay you to make troy play football?

		because i'm right?

		and for that you'd convince troy to flush his life down football's toilet again? britta's right, you are the most selfish person alive! and all that is gonna end right now. because i'm telling him what kind of friend you really are.

		you're right. i could never be as good as you. probably because i actually care.

		hey. i've decided to support troy. they deploy things in football, right? i went for rhyme over clarity.

		really? because i'm an 18-year-old girl, and you made me cry in public.

		milord.

		Um, still waiting to hear back from Jeff and Pierce

		Are you coming to my Dias de los Muertos party?

		Then I can mark you down as definitely being there from 7:00 sharp till upside-down Spanish question mark?

		No, here's the thing. I am putting my foot down. You understand? I am being assertive, and I am making eye contact, and it is achieving results.

		It worked on Pierce.

		Jeff, you're the cool guy, okay?

		If you show up, it'll be the first party I host where everyone doesn't say they need to get home in time for the news.

		I was so unpopular in high school, the crossing guard used to lure me into traffic. This party is a second chance to be... Hip. Cool! Laidback!

		Thank you. I'm putting you down for two bags of ice and a sleeve of paper cups.

		my debate partner dropped out, And we need you to fill in for him at the championship tonight.

		topic for debate is "are people inherently good or evil?" So when do you want to get together to strategize?

		jeff, wait, when are we getting together To prepare for tomorrow?

		maybe simmons is right. You really are all sizzle and no steak. You probably couldn't beat him if you tried.

		really?

		abed is right. You act like things don't bother you, but they do.

		so, in the experiment, stanford students were divided Into prisoners and guards. The guards immediately started--

		what's wrong?

		it's called a stress headache. I got my first one when i was four.

		well, get used to it. You're knee-deep in it now, brother. This is debate. If you want to win, You need to prepare.

		oh, my gosh. You're right. Simmons is so good at using his inherent magnetism To sell his points, and here i am, Like a spinster librarian with my hair pulled back.

		What do you think?

		thanks.

		totally. We should get back to work.

		ooh, we can use this hobbes quote. "man is a collection "of base animal urges. "to act on them and experience "sinful pleasure would be morally no different Than taking a breath." That's poignant, right?

		yeah.

		uh-huh. That way we can be more reproductive--productive!

		Bye! oh, you forgot your phone.

		we make an amazing team.

		whoa, whoa, whoa. He's going off book.

		that off-book enough for ya?

		well, i'm going this way, so...

		thanks, pal. Just pat me.

		you have to get chang to call off some of this homework. You're the one with the silver tongue.

		well, guess what, handsome hobo. Your gravy train's leavin' the station.

		oh, now i feel bad that we made you do that. Maybe we can help with your essay.

		you devious clump Of overpriced fabric and hair product.

		oh, you're breaking up with the group?

		jeff, i'm sorry i called you a handsome hobo. If you need help with that essay, You can rejoin the group.

		Catch knowledge.

		The cafeteria's closed while we set up for the fair. Fortune cookie?

		Flip it over.

		I wrote that.

		See you later.

		Why didn't you do the extra-credit assignments if you knew that you were... failing?

		You expect me to watch you do that Without telling on you?

		No, they've got me editing the crossword Because I'm a girl. And because I love crosswords.

		Ace? You can do that?

		Jeff, I hope you've got an army of raisins Because I've got a major scoop. In October, There was a free toni braxton concert on the quad.

		And when a last-minute mix-up Shifted the show time by an hour, An anonymous text message went out Alerting students of the change.

		Not okay. Because the text message was sent exclusively To black students... And one french kid named lebron. That's profiling. This is front-page juice. Just gotta find out who sent the text.

		Well...Nobody's that stupid, right?

		Yeah, and this time he might succeed. If this article breaks out, I can apply for journalism scholarships. Nobody will care about my time in rehab If they think I'm a writer.

		This is greendale, jeff. We can do whatever we want.

		I guess we thought you would.

		Why not?

		Hey...

		I'm glad you did. It didn't even really occur to me what I was doing Until I saw how upset you were. And I never want to be the reason you're mad Because... You're jeff winger. So...Thanks... For getting mad.

		But if you like her, why would you want to keep her a secret? Don't you want us to meet her?

		Hey, guys, thanks for getting involved in my love life. That was super cool and mature of you. Oh, and since you're both clearly idiots, I should probably let you know that I'm being sarcastic.

		What?

		What? We haven't even kissed.

	abed

		How about you, abed? It's tomorrow.

		This is really important to me, abed. Could you please go as my friend? My really good friend?

		Oh, thank you, abed.

		Sorry you've been waiting 26 hours. It's just gonna be another five minutes.

		Go home!

		"Gotcha"? That's all you have to say?

		You sat in a room for 26 straight hours. Didn't that bother you?

		Then why didn't you leave?

		Abed, here. I wanted to say sorry for yelling at you.

		I just got the first three because... the fourth one blows.

		who's going to die?

		Oh, STD fair, guys. Catch knowledge.

		Abed, ew.

		What's going on?

	britta

		But maybe when Jeff gets here, we could talk to him as a group about his tardiness.

		Journalists are being murdered?

		Will you tell us more about Guatemala?

		But we need your help. We've been living on the wrong side of the looking glass. You're like Jodie Foster or Susan Sarandon. You'd rather keep it real than be likeable.

		That's horrible.

		Once it gets dark, I hand out the candles and we do  what's called "a speechless protest". We put the tape over our mouths, and gather hand-in-hand in a sea of outraged silence.

		What's gotten into you?

		We know it's not how you do it cause we're doing everything.

		Are you saying that we're not allowed to protest? Britta, you sound like Guatemala.

		You can hang the Chacata-Panecos pinata.

		Have you seen it?

		"The incident occurred during a protest regarding events in Guatemala." Awareness!

		where's shirley?

		why do we inflict so much pain on ourselves for men?

		i've been... infatuated with troy. now he's joining football. now he'll have his pick of the litter and... i'll never get to be with him!

		you're right. i can't control him. and if i truly cared about him, i wouldn't want to. thanks for talking to me, britta. it really helped.

		yes.

		Oh, Britta. You look adorable.

		Yeah.

		absolutely.

		britta, jeff suffered for us. give him a little credit.

		Catch knowledge.

		Guys... I have a problem. The dean wants me to demonstrate the proper use of a condom at the stupid fair by putting one on a mannequin's stupid... Thingamabob. It's a big honor... But I'm gonna screw it up.

		This is an anatomically correct model I'll be handling. Real... whatchamacallits... are nothing like bananas! Are they?

		Shh!

		I am not a unicorn. I had relations with my high school boyfriend. We did it to Madonna's erotica on the floor of his walk-in closet. But he wouldn't let me look at it. And he cried after. And during. He's gay now.

		I've caught glimpses, but I've never got a real good look at one. What I need to do is practice on the actual model, but the dean has it locked in his office.

		No! This is really embarrassing. I don't want anyone to know. I just want to figure out how to do it and get it over with. The dean is counting on me, and I want him to know that I'm someone he can trust. We have to break into his office.

		Shh.

		I'm the one that needs to see.

		Oh, boy. Oh, I had it wroooong! Is that considered large?

		Where did you go, britta?

		I'm not even wearing a bra.

		I haven't either.

		Yeah, I guess.

		Abed's really good at inviting people. We're all here to support you. Jeff even brought his girlfriend.

		Oh, he knows. They even had to file paperwork with the Dean. It's pretty serious. Our little Jeff's growing up!

		Oh! Break a leg, Britta. I have no idea how someone could do what you're about to do.

		Britta!

		Can I ask you something... About Vaughan?

		He's sweet, actually. I mean, you must have thought so.

		Would you... um, I haven't... we haven't... anything. I mean...

		Would it bug you?

		Troy... The other day after Spanish, I thought he was trying to hold my hand, but he'd just mistaken me for abed. He'll never think of me that way.

		Britta! Thank you. You're the coolest girl I've ever met.

		Cool.

		Hey, guys, thanks for getting involved in my love life. That was super cool and mature of you. Oh, and since you're both clearly idiots, I should probably let you know that I'm being sarcastic.

		You're not my mom, Britta. She would never wear boots that go up that High. And what about respecting me as an adult and as a friend?

		But you don't like Vaughan.

		I asked you if you cared, and you said no.

		What are you insinuating? I took that kiss for the team.

		Yeah.

		Okay. Vaughan wants to show me a cloud that looks like a Pumpkin... If that's okay.

	debate

		as golding's lord of the flies demonstrates, man, When left to his own devices, Will descend into chaos and evil.

		survival of the fittest wires an impulse to eliminate people Into our hearts.

		nuclear bombs.

		telemarketers.

		executions.

		he was horny. So he dropped him. Man is evil.

	vaughan

		You're complicated.

		Spanish class.

		Vaughan, you remember Troy. Um, we went to High school together, and he's in my study group.

		No. I mean... I never want to lie to you, so I will tell you I did have feelings for him, but it's over, I swear.

		Vaughan.

		Did you get my messages?

	extra

		are you okay.

		Excuse me. Oh, sorry, ladies.

		Hola!

		Scary.

		Oh, cute! Cute.

	group

		i'd like to know why i had to find out About this group on accident?

		I guess Jeff's running late again.

		So who wants to be in a psych experiment?

		Please? You get paid.

		you're right! it's so unfair. And i can't handle this kind of stress right now.

		I'm already overwhelmed by my duties On the school song committee.

		i've already reported him to the dean. He said they've been trying to fire him for three years, But nobody wants his job.

		i vote we all look at jeff at the same time.

		oh...

		Where's Jeff?

		Guys, everyone's faith is weird. Let's just not talk about it.

		So whoever it is keeps hanging up, But he can't hide forever.

		Okay, so for the essay portion...

		Well, if we're gonna add a chair For every bong-ripping good-time charlie With a song in his heart, I move we institute hazing.

		We won't know the result.

		It would have been nice to have Another person in the group.

		Before we start, I'd like to have a preliminary powwow, or prelimi-wow, about what I'm calling our library's backdoor conundrum.

		The door on that side is locked after 5:00, which means that most of us have to walk all the way around. Now, if we were to move our meetings to 4:30...

		Well, maybe one of us could stand by the back door and let the rest in?

		Where is he?

		Why are we even talking about this?

		Vaughan told me he would take things as slowly as I wanted. He likes me for who I am, and I like him.

		I wouldn't hang out with you guys if you were creepy. Trust me. I have good taste.

	buddy

		Well, buddy, as you know, We haven't had spanish class yet. So this meeting was more just for catching up... Between friends.

		Excuse us...

	duncan

		Professor duncan! Professor duncan!

		Excuse me. Annie edison. I am in your 101 lecture.

		I've heard about your special psych lab.

		Yes. And i know it's limited to second-Year students, But i had a 4.0 at riverside high, And i'm not looking down on this school at all, But i'm only here because of a brief addiction to pills That i was told would help me...focus, But they actually made me lose my scholarship and virginity. So--

		If you would let me take your lab early, It would be a real feather in my transcript.

		Oh!

		Oh!

		Oh!

		Oh.

		No, that's just him.

		But you told me to bring subjects.

		Oh! Oh, that's so hilarious! Did you think of that The last time you skipped a trip to the dentist?

	self

		oh.

		News!

		It's like high school all over again. Everyone's leaving.

		yeah.

		Mm-mm.

		Noooooooo!

		Oh!

		Oh.

	babyjesus

		We know you were one of us.

	nurse

		Us? No. He's my very good friend. And I have appendicitis.

		Everywhere.

	humanbeing

		aah!

	brandi

		No! Before you two proceed, I have one thing to say...

		I want nana's blanket back. Do you guys mind? Could you scoot over? It's an heirloom. I want it back. Thank you. Have a nice date.

	simmons

		lay off, simmons. Jeff didn't understand the rules.

	shirley

		can we stop with the "pumpkins" and the "sweeties"? Being younger does not make me inferior. If anything, your age indicates That you've made bad life decisions.

		I forgive you.

		We could have a candlelight vigil like lesbians have on the news.

		Poignant.

		Did you guys know about  the ethnic cleansing in Burma?

		Shirley! That's the most racist thing i've ever heard.

		i'll go with you.

		shirley, will you please come to the bathroom with me?

		It's scary. If he's not interested, I could lose the friendship too.

		I'm going to roll them. I am. I just... I need a few more shakes.

		I don't care what you think. For me, that was huge.

		Guys... I have a problem. The dean wants me to demonstrate the proper use of a condom at the stupid fair by putting one on a mannequin's stupid... Thingamabob. It's a big honor... But I'm gonna screw it up.

		This is an anatomically correct model I'll be handling. Real... whatchamacallits... are nothing like bananas! Are they?

		I am not a unicorn. I had relations with my high school boyfriend. We did it to Madonna's erotica on the floor of his walk-in closet. But he wouldn't let me look at it. And he cried after. And during. He's gay now.

		I've caught glimpses, but I've never got a real good look at one. What I need to do is practice on the actual model, but the dean has it locked in his office.

		No! This is really embarrassing. I don't want anyone to know. I just want to figure out how to do it and get it over with. The dean is counting on me, and I want him to know that I'm someone he can trust. We have to break into his office.

		I'm the one that needs to see.

		Oh, boy. Oh, I had it wroooong! Is that considered large?

		"W-W-B-J-D"?

		I guess I could wear one of my Hanukah sweaters.

		Yep. One might even say I'm Jewish.

		I'd say the whole word next time.

		I think they're gonna come after Jeff's fight.

		Jeff wants to fight that bully.

		Shirley, you are a guilt machine.

		Yeah! That was really good.

		No more creepy than when Jeff wears tight jeans and you say, "I'd like to slap those buns on the grill."

	pierce

		"Annie".

		eew. no. i hired a local composer. But he's quite a handful.

		it is?

		pierce!

		i talked to the dean, And he said you can write greendale's school song.

		you know the statue dedication is this friday. So you have to have it done by then.

		if that's not enough time--

		great! There's a piano in the rehearsal space, And i'll help you out however i can. You're gonna do an awesome job!

		oh, good.

		that's exciting. Mind if i hear what you got so far?

		i'm just a little worried. I keep hearing the same two notes, And your sheet music Looks like a chinese takeout menu.

		what?

		I'm no more of a songwriter than you or billy joel. but what about the hawthorne wipes jingle?

		that's she'll be coming around the mountain.

		pierce, you're musical. you're creative. You can do this. i believe in you.

		you listen up, pierce! I'm gonna tell you what my mother told me When i wanted to quit cheerleading. You're not very pretty, you have no boobs, And you can't do a basket toss to save your life, But you made a commitment. So pick up your pompoms, pierce, Stuff your bra, and get ready for the team bus To forget you at a taco bell, because life is tough. But we soldier on, And that's just the way it goes. gonna play myself out.

		Um, still waiting to hear back from Jeff and Pierce

		Pierce? Pierce, are you okay?

		Pierce, relax. Just relax, okay? Pierce!

		Pierce...

		Tell me about the Beatles, Pierce. Tell me about Woodstock and Sputnik, Pierce.

		You mean the STD fair. Catch knowledge.

		Say the whole word!

		Oh, pierce, you became a grandfather?

		What?

	whitman

		i thought there might be a quiz.

		there he is.

	troy

		you're not prom king anymore, Troy. This isn't riverside high.

		because you're still wearing your stupid letter jacket. And more importantly, I sat behind you in Algebra.

		Yes, and you are a stupid jock who lost his scholarship by dislocating both shoulders in a keg stand.

		It's a serious disorder.

		me too. it sounds educational.

		No.

		No.

		Yay!

		Hi, troy.

		That was the experiment, troy. We were testing to see how long people would wait in the room.

		a small fading remnant of a star.

		that's right!

		what does a star turn into after it collapses?

		right! troy! you could be an astronomer.

		so we should still study a little more astronomy later, right? maybe over some milky ways or some mars bars.

		Ok, what's the closest planet to Earth?

		That's not the right answer, but it shows how fun the astronomy can be!

		troy, i've been waiting for an hour.

		troy. why are you doing a politically conservative high school shamefully outdated fight rap? have you been playing football?

		but you knew we had an astronomy test tomorrow.

		troy! stop! don't become this person again. this isn't the real you. this is the arrogant jock that totally ignored the only people that truly liked him for non-superficial reasons but weren't allowed to say anything because their parents are bigots! football is bad for you, troy.

		jeff...what now?

		Stop it, Troy.

		They could do something on campus. Tomorrow there's a picnic with live music on the East lawn. They're calling it "A night under the stars".

		Randi? I thought...

		You're welcome. And I hate you. And I want to have your children.

		Of course. Anytime. Ever.

		I'd love to.

		It's the blanket my grandmother used to court my grandfather.

		And you'll light the candles. And you'll take a bite. And she'll take a bite. And you'll laugh. And you'll offer her your letter jacket after you notice this funny way she shakes when she gets cold. And she'll feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

		Remember when you pretended to be my backpack?

		Troy, wait! I have to tell you... My appendix is bursting.

		My appendix is bursting.

		Thanks for bringing me here. Guess I ruined your date, huh?

		Okay, I need to go.

		No! Before you two proceed, I have one thing to say...

		I want nana's blanket back. Do you guys mind? Could you scoot over? It's an heirloom. I want it back. Thank you. Have a nice date.

		Oh, STD fair, guys. Catch knowledge.

		Oh, I don't know where abed is. I could try calling him if you want.

		Troy, you're being weird.

		What? Wait. Troy, what?

		I like him. Why would you do that?

		Wait, Jeff and Britta did what, now?

		What?

	chang

		Hi, senor chang.

		Well, we're just running a little bit behind, So we'll probably start in about five minutes.

		no!

		this monday?

		no.

		Yay! I meant about Jeff passing. You being our Spanish teacher, eh.



Speaker: basketballcoach

	all

		let's go, boys. come on, let's go. I want to see some hustlers out here. Let's go.

	whitman

		we reserved the gym For practice.

	extra

		oh, great try, bruce! great try.



Speaker: chang

	all

		Every once in a while, a student come up to me and ask, Why do you teach Spanish?" They say it just like that. "Why do you teach Spanish?" "Why you?" Why not math? Why not photography? Why not martial arts? I mean, surely it must be in my nature to instruct you in something that's ancient and secret like building a wall that you can see from outer space. Well, I'll tell you  why I teach Spanish. It is none of your business, okay? Now, I don't want to have any conversations about what a mysterious and inscrutable man I am. I am a Spanish genius! In espanol, my nickname is "El tigre chino"! 'Cause my knowledge will bite her face off! So don't question Senor Chang or you'll get bit. Ya bit. Ya bit! Friday Manana, we'll be having conversations with the rest of the class using some of the phrases we learned in unit one. You'll be partnering up in pairs of dos. If you look under your desk, you'll find a card with either a picture or a word on it. For ejemplo, blondie aqui has a card with a picture of a house on it. So that means the person with the card with the word casa on it, is her partner. Comprende, Star-burns? See you Friday. Find your partners. Have a great day. And what do we say at the end of every class? Come on, hands... 90 percent of Spanish.

		Hola, class. Time for our presentations. First up was supposed to be Jeff and Pierce, but Pierce explained the situation. Apparently there was a falling out, things were said, people were betrayed.

		Before we wrap up, i would like to thank you guys For filling out these anonymous evaluation cards. I found your feedback To be largely constructive and flattering, So gracias on that.

		No! No!

		silencio, por favor.

		All right, last night i graded your tests. I'm sure you wanna know how you did, right?

		well, i'm not gonna tell you. Until i find out who did...this!

		Containing all the information covered on the test. Otherwise known as a crib sheet. Who did it, huh?

		There's one asian stereotype that does apply to me. Whoever did this insulted my honor. And they've got 24 hours to come forward, Or mr. miyagi here will wax off everyone's score and the whole class gets a cero!

		so...this is the last chance For the cheater to be an adult and face la musica... Or everyone fails.

		you got ten seconds... Starting now.

		turn on her!

		Okay. time to learn some formal greetings.

		professor ben chang.

		with great pleasure. it was a tuesday, Uh, crack of dawn, 5:58 a.m. I got up, i took my morning deuce, I made a breakfast consisting of..

		and then she yelled, "screw you," Or, "screw education," or something like that, And then she stormed out of the room In her high-heel boots like it was tampon time... If you know what i mean.

		As you know, all faculty at greendale are required to give extra credit to students who organizes academic related events during what would otherwise be known as 'free time' No student in any department has ever exercised this option, until now.

		which is actually quite offensive to people familiar with mexican halloween as sexual position. At any rate, if you show up, you get extra credit. For me, I don't even get paid. See you tonight. In Espanol, Esta Noche

		So from now on, we'll refer to each other by our Spanish nombres. It will be...

		Class dismissed.

		pencils down.

		I want you all to write a one-page essay, in espanol, entitled, annie's mistake.

		okay, two pages, entitled, the consequences of questioning authority.

		oh, six pages on ignorance.

		20 pages on ass kissing! Due on monday.

		the difference between usted and tu Is a matter of formality.

		still formal, but plural. Because, while both are dirty, Neither are my friends. Okay? And, on another subject, Hope you guys are working hard on your essays. Because that's gonna be 30% of your grade.

		jeff...already turned in his essay.

		as soon as you turn in your essays on monday, There's gonna be a big-ass quiz. So study hard. class dismissed.

		i have something to say. I've been a horrible husband. And i've been a horrible teacher. And i'd like to thank my student jeff winger For showing me that And helping me fix my marriage. No more 20-page essays due on monday!

		Best exam ever. That guy's awesome, man.

		Who cheated?

		Feliz ano nueva, chicas!

		That was a professional actress. I am a man who can never die. And this has been your first taste Of spanish 1-0- dos-- The semester I get inside your cabesas!

	dean

		Wow, this may be the only STD fair to actually spread STDs.

		Oh, my God. That's why you don't print things on condoms. Everyone's getting preggers, and it's all your fault. Oh, God, I love it.

	troy

		y tupaco...

		ustedes estan sucios. "you are dirty."

		hola.

		Yeah. Clearly, none of my other plans fell through.

		That's pretty crazy.

		Shut up, man.

	jeff

		Jeff, having heard Pierce's side of the story, I think the only humane thing to do would be to give you a "C" and let Pierce do his presentation alone, if that sounds fair to you.

		Okay, guys? Why are there costumes involved? These are short conversations, they're not supposed to take...

		F.

		yeah, well, you got prince charles over here, Who's your drinking buddy.

		she confessed!

		Professor Slater? She's not grading papers. She's at the faculty party in the cafeteria.

		Are you saying my people are sneaky?

		Here. take this. Give anyone that shows up their stupid credit.

		Ah, give it up, Winger. Professor Slater doesn't date students. Or married Asians who drive Mopeds.

		I'll bring the hog around.

		Stop crying, Winger

		Gee, do I feel a breeze here? Because someone just struck out.

		Is that what you had to fall back on? Look at me, bro. Look at me. I've got the body of a fifth grader, okay? If I was working with what you've got, she'd be at the comfort inn right now giving me a Mexican Halloween.

		Moves? Everything's a game to guys like you. I know one move I bet you've never tried in your life.

		Loser!

		Buenos dias, Winger.

		what do you want, winger? Here to complain about the homework On behalf of the class?

		okay, freud. Sure. you try to penetrate my psychological armor, and--

		holy-- How did you know?

		we met at a salsa club.

		and, um... she loved the way i danced. But...i mean, you know how it goes. Just--get a job...

		you make no mistake about this, winger. I pleasured that woman greatly.

		i like you, winger. Pickled bull testicle?

		ah. yeah.

		yeah?

		what about tonight?

		i really have, haven't i?

		tell you what. For my new buddy jeff, essay canceled. sha-clackey.

		oh, oh, i didn't say everybody. It's for my new friend jeff. I mean, you're the one coming out with me, right?

		i suppose it will put you in an unenviable And uncomfortable position, and want to be--

		Great job.

		hey, dude. crazy night last night, man.

		dude, let's do it again.

		well, how 'bout this? Bling. A-plus. Nice work, winger!

		cherry daiquiri!

		Later.

		here you go. Look at pierce's paragraph from unit two.

		keep going, keep going.

		can you imagine being married to him?

		I'm so lonely! I want to die.

		I... Just miss her so much.

		i'm sorry. This is so stupid.

		it's dumb!

		you better not be!

		all i ask Is for you to keep filling the void in my soul.

		hey! what's up? Just got your text, man. Wanna hang out? 'cause if you don't, i will fail you.

		She said she didn't want to talk to me.

		although, winger, You should write a one-page essay called taking advantage of the emotionally-vulnerable. booyah.

		I'll allow it.

		Turns out you... pause for dramatic effect... will be seeing me next semester.

		Whoa. Man, Mike got you good.

		"f." "f"-minus.

	movie

		Yeah, two hours of my life back.

	self

		Ahh.

		AAH!

		Ugh! So boring.

		Awesome.

	extra

		'cept you, toby.

		but you shouldn't be.

		beat it. All right.

	pierce

		F-minus.

		grandpa?

		pepe, usted es viejo. "you are old."

		I don't care. I got a Mountain to shred.

		"f." "f"-minus.

		Dude, I'm right here.

		No, I want to watch tom Selleck fight mechanical spiders.

		I'm sorry for your loss, man.

		Dude, even I know you're lame, and I'm a tenured professor sitting in a beanbag chair.

		She read in a book that it wouldn't make a difference.

	group

		Thank you, thank you. I get it, yes. It is I, Senior Chang.

		So... I have finished grading everyone's finals, and all of you are moving on. Heh heh heh, except... for Jeff.

		In Spanish 102! Heh heh heh. Because he passed, you know. And I'm the only Spanish teacher.

	abed

		You don't have to sign your name anymore.

		Kumar?

		abed.

		alberto, usted es feo. "you are ugly."

		Nice.

	annie

		But there was one evaluation That was so harsh and hurtful And racist That i took the time personally To analyze that handwriting against past exams. And this particular coward Dots her is with tiny, Itty-Bitty, little circles. Boop. Boop. Tcch! Isn't that precious and cute? Who's "erratic and unstable" now, Princess Gringa?

		What, a community college spanish teacher Can't use 80 bucks?

		No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no! It's unacceptable, all right? You lied to me! When you say something starts at 9:00, It starts at nueve!

		Marianne?

		You don't have to keep doing that!

	starburns

		Star burns-- that means you.

		well, maybe you should spend five hours Sculpting that in your face.

	britta

		well, you really took your sweet time with that one, baby.

		that's right. we are mature! Too mature to sit in a class With a cheating, lying poop-face!

		thank you, britta.

	shirley

		it's a tiny piece of paper, okay? That's all it is. tiny piece of paper.

		Jackee?

		What up, Urkel?

		Shakira... Shakira...

		ustedes estan sucios. "you are dirty."

		Shakira, hold this.

		hola.

	duncan

		maybe because i don't look like ron weasley.

		yeah, well, you got prince charles over here, Who's your drinking buddy.

		okay, just keep it up frost/nixon.

		oh, shut your pompous vortex of overlapping fangs!

		man, don't turn your back on me.

		i don't like the fact that you're walking around here Like you're better than me in front of my students.

		aye.



Speaker: jeffactor

	groupactor

		what else is new?

		hola.

		fine, it's true. I'm living out of my car. And i don't want anyone's help.

	self

		gah!



Speaker: secretary

	pierce

		Thank you.

	dean

		"Secretary" is a little degrading to women.

	jeff

		I help the dean do officey things.

		Totally.

		Do you own a horse?

		Be right back. I have to make tinkles.

		Hey, babe. Ready to show me that Lexus?

		You have a really awesome body. You probably hear that all the time.

		Oh... professor...

		But you're at Greendale... And you're old.

		Yikers.

		Well, I guess I can make an exception... professor.

		Huh?

		What? But this is your car.

		But...