When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer. He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths. In just three months' time, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five inches.
Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterward, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.
As he lay dying, he cried out, "God, how could you do this to me?"
And a voice from the heavens responded, "To tell you the truth, Thompson, I didn't recognize you."
Moses, Jesus, and a bearded old man are playing golf. Moses drives a long one, which lands on the fairway but rolls directly toward the pond. Moses raises his club, parts the water, and the ball rolls safely to the other side.
Jesus also hits a long one toward the same pond, but just as it's about to land in the center, it hovers above the surface. Jesus casually walks out on the pond and chips it onto the green.
The bearded man's drive hits a fence and bounces out onto the street, where it caroms off an oncoming truck and back onto the fairway. It's headed directly for the pond, but it lands on a lily pad, where a frog sees it and snatches it into his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog, and flies away.
As the eagle and frog pass over the green, the frog drops the ball, and it lands in the cup for a hole-in-one. Moses turns to Jesus and says,"I hate playing with your dad."
An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from the next, until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "You know, they'd be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time."
The man says, "Yeah, I know, but I have two brothers, one in the States, one in Australia. When we all went our separate ways, we promised each other that we'd all drink this way in memory of the days when we drank together. Each of these is for one of my brothers and the third is for me." The bartender is touched, and says, "What a great custom!" The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always orders the same way.
One day he comes in and orders two pints. The other regulars notice, and a silence falls over the bar. When he comes to the bar for his second round, the bartender says, "Please accept my condolences, pal."
The Irishman says, "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I just joined the Mormon Church, and I had to quit drinking."
Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes up and gives Dr. Watson a nudge. "Watson," he says, "look up in the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions of stars, Holmes"" says Watson.
"And what do you conclude from that, Watson?" Watson thinks for a moment. "Well,' he says, "astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Uh, what does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"
An old cowboy goes into a bar and orders a drink. As he sits there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sits down next to him. She turns to the cowboy and asks him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replies, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am." She says, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower or watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A little while later, a couple sits down next to the old cowboy and asks him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replies, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
Three engineering students are discussing what sort of God must have designed the human body. The first says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at all the joints."
The second says,"I think God must be an electrical engineer.
The nervous system has thousands of electrical connections." The third says, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady, and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never reaches orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help, and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay," says the rabbi to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice.
The young man gets into bed with the wife, and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "Schmuck, that's the way you wave a towel!"
Russell's paradox
There is a town in which the sole barber—a man, by the way-shaves all the townsmen, and only those townsmen, who do not shave themselves. Does the barber shave himself?
If he does, he doesn't. If he doesn't, he does.
Three women are in a locker room dressing to play racquetball when a man runs through wearing nothing but a bag over his head. The first woman looks at his wiener and says, "Well, it's not my husband." The second woman says, "No, it isn't." The third says, "He's not even a member of this club."
A man tries on a made-to-order suit and says to the tailor,"I need this sleeve taken in! It's two inches too long!"
The tailor says, "No, just bend your elbow like this. See, it pulls up the sleeve."
The man says, "Well, okay, but now look at the collar! When I bend my elbow, the collar goes halfway up the back of my head." The tailor says, "So? Raise your head up and back. Perfect." The man says, "But now the left shoulder is three inches lower than the right one!"
The tailor says, "No problem. Bend at the waist way over to the left and it evens out."
The man leaves the store wearing the suit, his right elbow crooked and sticking out, his head up and back, all the while leaning down to the left. The only way he can walk is with a herky-jerky, spastic gait.
Just then, two passersby notice him.
Says the first: "Look at that poor crippled guy. My heart goes out to him." Says the second: "Yeah, but his tailor must be a genius! That. suit fits him perfectly!"
At a meeting of the college faculty, an angel suddenly appears and tells the head of the philosophy department, "I will grant you whichever of three blessings you choose: Wisdom, Beauty—or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses Wisdom.
There is a flash of lightning, and the professor appears transformed, but he just sits there, staring down at the table. One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The professor says, "I should have taken the money."
Mrs. Brevoort, a widow, was hanging out by the pool at her country club when she spotted a handsome man sunning himself. She sidled up to him and said, "Well, I don't believe l've seen you here before." "Not likely," the man said. "I've been in the penitentiary for thirty years." "Really? What for?" "I murdered my wife." "Ah!" Mrs. Brevoort said, "So you're single!"
After attending a do thor One said you as, Tour psychiatrists walked out together. One said, "You know, people are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one to go to with our problems. So why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed. The first psychiatrist confessed, "I have an almost uncontrollable desire to kill my patients." The second psychiatrist said, "I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can." The third followed with, "I'm involved in selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me." The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "You know, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to keep a secret."
The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes. On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one. An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God, "This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?" "Of course it is," said the Lord, smiling. "Who can he tell?"
A therapist asks his patient how his visit to his mother went. The patient says, "It did not go well at all. I made a terrible Freudian slip." "Really?" says the therapist. "What did you say?" "What I meant to say was, 'Please pass the salt.' But what I said was, 'You bitch! You ruined my life!'"
A little old Christian lady comes out onto her front porch every morning and shouts, "Praise the Lord!" And every morning the atheist next door yells back, "There is no God!" This goes on for weeks. "Praise the Lord!" yells the lady. "There is no God!" responds the neighbor. As time goes by, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says, "Praise the Lord!" The next morning when she goes out onto the porch, there are the groceries she asked for. Of course, she shouts, "Praise the Lord!" The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha! I bought those groceries. There is no God!" The lady looks at him and smiles. She shouts, "Praise the Lord! Not only did you provide for me, Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!"
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing o the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to see She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"
Jesus was walking through the streets when he noticed a crowd of people throwing stones at an adulteress. Jesus said, "Let whoever is without sin cast the first stone." Suddenly a rock flew through the air. Jesus turned and said, "Mom?"
"My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die." "Wow, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?" "The judge told him."
Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other, "What do you think about this mad cow disease?" "What do I care?" says the other. "I'm a helicopter."
Three friends are killed in a car accident and meet up at an orientation session in Heaven. The celestial facilitator asks them what they would most like to hear said about themselves as their friends and relatives view them in the casket. The first man says, "I hope people will say that I was a wonderful doctor and a good family man." The second man says,"I would like to hear people say that as a schoolteacher I made a big difference in the lives of kids." The third man says, "I'd like to hear someone say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
A woman with cancer sees her oncologist, who says, "Well, I'm afraid we're finally at the end of the line. You only have eight hours to live. Go home and make the best of it." The woman goes home, gives the news to her husband, and says, "Honey, let's just make love to each other all night long."
And the husband says, "You know how sometimes you're in the mood for sex and sometimes you aren't? Well, I'm just not in the mood tonight." "Please," his wife pleads. "It's my final wish, darling." "Just don't feel like it," the husband says. "I beg you, darling!" "Look," the husband says, "It's easy for you to say. You don't have to get up in the morning."
Goldfinger is taking an ocean cruise. The first night he is seated for dinner with M. Fallaux, a Frenchman, who raises his glass to Goldfinger and says, "Bon appetit!" Goldfinger raises his glass and replies, "Goldfinger!" This goes on, meal after meal, for almost the entire voyage, but finally the ship's purser can't stand it any longer and explains to Goldfinger that "Bon appetit" is French for "Enjoy your meal." Goldfinger is embarrassed and can't wait until the next meal to redeem himself. Then, before Fallaux can say anything, Coldfinger raises his glass and says,"Bon appeice" And Fallaux responds, "Goldfinger!"
In a bar is a piano player with a monkey that goes around after each number collecting tips. While the piano player is playing, the monkey jumps up on the bar, walks up to a customer, and squats over his drink, putting his testicles in the drink. The man is miffed, walks up to the piano player, and says, "Do you know your monkey dipped his balls in my martini?" The piano player says, "No, man, but hum a few bars, and I can probably pick it up."
"Which of the following does not belong in this list: herpes, gonorrhea, or a condominium in Cleveland?" "The condo, obviously." "Nope, gonorrhea. It's the only one you can get rid of."
Billingsley went to see his friend, Hatfield, who was dying in the hospital. As Billingsley stood by the bed, Hatfield's frail condition grew worse, and he gestured frantically for something to write on. Billingsley handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Hatfield used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. No sooner had he finished the note than he died. Billingsley put the note in his pocket, unable in his grief to read it just then. A few days later as Billingsley was talking to Hatfield's family at the wake, he realized that the note was in the pocket of the jacket he was wearing. He announced to the family, "Hat handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it yet, but knowing him, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration for us all." And he read aloud, ""You're standing on my oxygen tube!'"
A 91l dispatcher receives a panicky call from a hunter. "I've just come across a bloodstained body in the woods! It's a man, and I think he's dead! What should I do?" The dispatcher calmly replies, "It's going to be all right, sir. Just follow my instructions. The first thing is to put the phone down and make sure he's dead." There's a silence on the phone, followed by the sound of a shot. The man's voice returns, "Okay. Now what do I do?"
A wild rabbit was caught and taken to a National Institutes of Health laboratory. When he arrived, he was befriended by a rabbit that had been born and raised in the lab. One evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn't been properly closed and decided to make a break for freedom. He invited the lab rabbit to join him. The lab rabbit was unsure, as he had never been outside the lab, but the wild rabbit finally convinced him to give it a try. Once they were free, the wild rabbit said, "I'll show you the number-three best field," and took the lab rabbit to a field full of lettuce. After they had eaten their fill, the wild rabbit said, "Now I'l show you the number-two best field," and took the lab rabbit to a field full of carrots.
After they had had their fill of carrots, the wild rabbit said, "Now l'll show you the number-one best field," and took the lab rabbit to a warren full of female bunnies. It was Heaven— nonstop lovemaking all night long. As dawn was beginning to break, the lab rabbit announced that he would have to be getting back to the lab. "Why?" said the wild rabbit. "I've shown you the number-three best field with the lettuce, the number-two best field with the carrots, and the number-one best field with the ladies. Why do you want to go back to the lab?" The lab rabbit replied, "I can't help it. I'm dying for a cigarette!'
A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig. The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, "Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?"
The judge says, "That is correct." "And does it mean that I can't call a pig Ms. Harding?" "No" says the judge, "you are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that." The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, "Good afternoon, Ms. Harding."
A man wins $100,000 in Las Vegas and, not wanting anyone to know about it, he takes it home and buries it in his backyard. The next morning he goes out back and finds only an empty hole. He sees footprints leading to the house next door, which belongs to a deaf-mute, so he asks the professor down the street, who knows sign language, to help him confront his neighbor. The man takes his pistol, and he and the professor knock on the neighbor's door. When the neighbor answers, the man waves the pistol at him and says to the professor, "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000, I'm going to kill him right now!" The professor conveys the message to the neighbor, who responds that he hid the money in his own backyard under the cherry tree. The professor turns to the man and says, "He refuses to tell you. He says he'd rather die first."
Mrs. Parker is called to serve on a jury but asks to be excused because she doesn't believe in capital punishment. The public defender says, "But, madam, this isn't a murder trial. It's a civil suit. A woman is suing her former husband because he gambled away the $25,000 he promised to spend to remodel the bathroom for her birthday." "Okay, I'll serve," says Mrs. Parker. "I suppose I could be wrong about capital punishment."
Fun pt. about Descartes
He started out by doubting the existence of the external world. That was easy enough. Perhaps he was dreaming or hallucinating. Then he tried doubting his own existence. But doubt as he would, he kept coming up against the fact that there was a doubter. Must be himself! He could not doubt his own doubting. ...
"Dubito ergo sum."
Kant's supreme categorical imperative seems very Rawlsian: "Act only according t that maxim whereby you can at the same time will that should become a universal law."